A guy falls for the woman he’s in a “friends with benefits” relationship with… What now?
This Letter to Headquarters comes from Dwayne. He’s 36, from Seattle, Washington:
Hey V.U.,
Love the show, man. I got a question for you, though. Right now, I’m in a very shaky situation. I met this woman about a year ago. When I met her, she was involved with some guy who she had been with for over three years. At that time, they were having a lot of problems, and even though she told me she was attracted to me, she opted to stay with him instead to see if they could “work it out”.
Anyway, cut to three months later and guess what? She called me out of the blue! We got to talking and she told me that her and the guy had broken up. So, of course I saw that as her giving me the green light, so I went for it. Our physical attraction was so strong that we only went out on one date before our sex drives took over. We began having sex often, and I began to really like her on a lot of other levels too. But whenever I tried to get close, she’d always pull back. She shied away from me whenever I tried to let her know that I was interested in her for more than just the sex.
As a matter of fact, one day when I called her on the fact that she kept pulling back from me, she flat out told me point blank that she wasn’t interested in having a real relationship, but she was open to just continuing to hook up with me from time to time as long as I didn’t start pressuring her for anything more.
Since then, we don’t go out as much, but we still have sex fairly regularly. I know most guys in my position would probably be thinking, “Well, what’s the problem”? Well, the problem is that I’m not really the casual sex, F-Buddy, hookup-type of guy.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeI’m in my thirties. I’m not some horny teenaged guy who only thinks about sex. I’m past that phase. There’s a lot of other things I want from a woman besides just sex. For almost a year now, I’ve tried to play the FWB roll, but now I’m about played out. The sex just doesn’t seem to be doing it for me anymore.
On top of that, she seems to be acting more and more distant afterwards. At first, this whole Friends With Benefits arrangement seemed like a good idea, but now it’s driving me crazy. All I think about now is her, what’s she’s doing when she’s not with me, and who she might be doing it with.
Victory, can you please tell me what the rules are for these Friends With Benefitssituations? Somehow, this whole thing has gotten all screwed up. My head is real messed up right now.
Victory Unlimited writes:
Rules?
So…you want to know the “rules” to the Friends With Benefits scenario? Well, unfortunately for you, the rule to the Friends With Benefits scenario is that there “are” no real rules——–which is why it almost always leads to a crash and burn eventually.
Why is that?
Well, it’s because usually, if two people have sex, and they keep having sex long enough, one of them will eventually want more out of the relationship than the other. Also, contrary to popular belief, pickup artist propaganda, and testosterone-driven delusion, this is true for “men” as well as it is for women.
If you’re a man with an emotionally available heart and you haven’t burned your conscience beyond recognition, you WILL begin to have some feelings for the woman you’re consistently having sex with———whether you want to or not. What you’ve written here shows that you’re obviously already emotionally attached to a woman who has shown you repeatedly that she’s NOT emotionally attached to you.
What you’re experiencing firsthand is the reality that it’s extremely difficult for a normal, emotionally healthy man to participate indefinitely in a F-Buddy relationship without feeling something for the woman he’s having sex with. Now keep in mind, this statement is not true for men who have little regard for women as a gender, or for men who fit the description of sociopath or psychopath.
Please understand that having sex with the same woman repeatedly and feeling absolutely nothing for her as time marches on, usually takes a level of desensitization that doesn’t come naturally. Guys who’re able to do this don’t usually get to that dehumanized point by accident. They have to work on it.
So again, unless you’re one of those types of guys, which I doubt, FWB relationships will come with a built-in time limit. Yes, it’s only a matter of time before you feel the fallout that results from repeatedly detonating the Casual Sex Bomb.
This is what I call the Serial Sex Scenario———and this is how the Serial Sex Scenario goes:
- First, the two people meet and they become sexually attracted to each other.
- Second, the two people have sex.
- Third, the bonding aspect of sex occurs and tends to increase every time the sex act occurs.
- Then finally, either consciously or unconsciously, the two people discover that instead of having sex——–NOW, the sex has them.
Understand that sex is not just a physical, emotional, and spiritual bonding process that’s designed to bring men and women together, it also continues to bind those two people together long after the sex act itself is over. In other words, sex has the ability to create a lasting, residual, and an ever-increasing bond.
If you have any doubts as to the truth of the above statements, all you have to do to put to death your doubts is to simply ask yourself the following question:
“If the Serial Sex Scenario is NOT the gateway to multifaceted human bonding, then why is it that most people who keep having sex with the same person, yet aren’t looking to have exclusive, long term relationships——-have to fight AGAINST developing an emotional attachment rather than FOR it?
We, as men, like to act like only women get emotionally attached after sex, but that’s far from the truth. Men can experience that connection too. Some just loathe to admit it. Usually this is just a result of years of societal and cultural programming meant to brainwash us into believing that having feelings for women is somehow a sign of weakness. This also, is a lie.
Emotional attachments aren’t the problem. It’s the effects that those emotions have on us that’s the issue. Rational thought tells us that the more multifaceted the connections are that we have with women, the stronger the relationship will be, No doubt, if it’s a bad relationship, the worse it’ll be. However, if it’s a good relationship, then the better it’ll be.
It is because of this inevitability of forming some kind of emotional attachment that men should pick the women that they become sexually involved with more wisely. In lieu of this, you now know why a lot of guys who don’t want relationships usually just try to “hit it and quit it” when it comes to their dealings with women.
Indeed, they view sex with women as a repetitive cycle of “getting in” and “getting out” over and over again——running like horny hamsters stuck on a slippery wheel powered by their own freewill. You see, these guys instinctively know that the longer they stay with any given woman, the more they run the risk of emotionality ruining their routine.
However Dwayne, you, unlike those guys, didn’t get “caught up” because you were trying to avoid emotional attachment———you got caught up because you kept having sex with a woman that you were hoping would get just as caught up with youtoo. What you’ve been doing is gambling. You’ve been playing roulette———-but unfortunately, it’s turned out to be the “Russian” kind.
The depth of the interest and attraction that you had for this woman was out of proportion to the amount of interest and attraction she had for you.
The hardcore truth is that only Emotional Unavailability can empower a woman to repeatedly have sex with a man and never want anything more.
What are the reasons for her emotional unavailability?
- It could be that she’s still hung up on her old boyfriend.
- It could be that she has more multifaceted interest and attraction towards other men than she has for you.
- It could be that she doesn’t see you as a whole man, but rather as just a tool——adevice that she uses to scratch her sexual itch, and NOTHING more.
It could be a variety of different things…only she knows for sure. The critical Intel that you need to extract from this experience is that for whatever reason, that particular woman has proven for almost a whole year that she is emotionally unavailable to you.
No doubt, for certain kinds of men, just getting sex from a woman is enough for them. But—-you are NOT that kind of man. So what if you’re getting “the sex”? At the end of the day you’re still unhappy. And why is that? It’s because you’re a man who is interested in having more than just a series of One Night Stands——–you’re looking for just one relationship that could stand the test of time.
What you need to realize is that what you have now is far less than what you really want. Also recognize that any man who continues to settle for less than what he wants out of a relationship will continue to receive…only that.
Now is the time when you have to decide whether you’ll continue to drown your sorrows in relationship ambiguity, or rise up and go find the kind of relationship that you really want with the kind of woman who is emotionally available enough to give it to you.
Soldier on.
~Victory Unlimited 2011
Originally appeared at Victory Unlimited
Photo: Wikimedia Commons
I’ve never posted online before but this subject hits so close to home for me. My serious boyfriend whom my son and I have been living with has secretly been seeing his old FWB behind my back. She has never been interested in him but he’s been chasing after her like a puppy dog apparently for years even after he asked me to move in. I’m so confused as to why he would put my son and I in this position. I am now looking at buying my own home and leaving him.
Lol. What is this shit. This author describes men who don’t want more as selfish sociopaths or psychopaths but the poor little women who don’t want more they are described as just being emotionally unavailable. Biggest load of biased horseshit I’ve ever read.
Wow. This article popped up in my newsfeed and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I am 37 year old male and I know I want more than fwb situation and I find myself in a fwb situation. We too have been on and off for about a year. I’m at the point where I feel like I need to make a decision as she has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want a relationship and at the very least, not one with me. When she’s with me she’s very attentive, she calls me almost everyday. Her… Read more »
This article and the comments has been very clarifying to me. Thank you all.
Just the conversation that I needed to read. Thoughtful, well-mannered and educational. Thank you everybody.
Yes, it’s a good conversation. In my 20s, I had a lot of options for fwb, for relationships, all. Now I am a youthful looking 50, and out of a long term relationship over a year. Options for a good relationship seem few. I have a best friend, I’ve known for 25 years; we’ve been through some challenges over figuring out where we stand. While I totally appreciated the sexual opportunities I have had in the past, nowadays, I’ve turned down a few offers of casual sex. After all this time, being super healthy, why jeopardize that health? STDs are… Read more »
I hope you find that kind of relationship.
Im in love but scare that he gonna hurt me break my heart if i tell him how i feel we not together we just friends with benefit
Sometimes we choose the “love” we think we deserve; I had fallen for the FWB, and despite the guy being upfront with me, I prolonged it for more than a month (Never ever have a FWB for longer than a month). It is better to just do not get int an FWB situation at all if you want more in a relationship. First know yourself and believe people when they tell you the true. Sometimes being alone is better than using someone’s body (or letting someone use yours) in order to feel less lonely. Being alone means that you have… Read more »
I really like your last comment about unlimited opportunities. That’s very encouraging!
Great comments here! I am so glad that you wrote this piece, VU. We choose friends with benefits relationships hoping to avoid heartbreak and an intimate encounter with ourselves. We have old patterns that come up when we love someone and sexually close to them as well. We think we can bypass doing our inner work by anesthetizing our need for connection, desire to be known and loved deeply by these kind of friends with benefits type relationships. Ultimately, someone crosses the barriers we have put up and we are catapulted onto a journey of self-discovery through the hard to… Read more »
so wise. Thank you.
Thank you for those wise comments!
Someone always catches feelings in a FWB. He seems to have always had them for her while she is probably not over her ex, or just not as committed to the idea of them as a “thing.” He needs to either accept it (and he will be unhappy) or move on. I am of the opinion that if you keep sleeping with the same person, you will develop some kind of feeling for them. Even if it’s protective/territorial (most likely) or romantic feelings. This is why I’m not into just randomly sleeping with a lot of folks. Because emotionally, I… Read more »
Options…how funny…eve attractive women don’t have options. I get hit on, but am extremely shy. Currently riding thru a 2.5 year FWB. He w.ants to go back to just being friends. As if I can shut down that part of my personality. He still wants to go to shows, take vacations, hang out, just everyone else gets the benefits besides me. I told him it would destroy our friendship, it hurts too much,he knows I love him. ..He still wants all else to continue with me and not loose the friendship. This is my best friend in the world, and… Read more »
You are essentially the guy in this article. See? You have feelings for him and he doesn’t. The longer you keep sleeping with him, the worse off you will be. You should probably go no contact with him.
One of the greatest emotional dangers of FWB type relationships is that the risk of someone wanting MORE out of the relationship than the other person the LONGER the scenario plays out. Though there are exceptions to this rule—it these exceptions that actually “prove” the rule. Here’s a mission that everybody should go on—if they choose to accept it: Google phrases like “Do guys ever want a relationship with their fwb” “Can friends with benefits relationship ever lead to something more” “Can friends with benefits relationships backfire on you” To think that FWB relationships are always just worry-free “fun n’… Read more »
I don’t know about this. I think it’s weird to say that this can’t happen. Especially in today’s society. As a gay man when I meet someone who’s DL I’m thinking that the very most it could be is fwb, if we’re both attracted to each other and are grown. And I must admit that I’ve been on both sides. I think the confusion comes when one party feels misled or done wrong. Usual the most honest conversations in these situations come right after sex.
What some people fail to realize is this:
Even if a man does have a lot of options—all his options are NOT created equal.
For some men, like the guy who wrote in to me, quick, convenient sex with a woman that you’re “into” is different than quick, convenient, AND “committed” sex with a woman that you’re “into”.
That guy was looking for the latter—and never REALLY wanted the former.
There’s no shame, weakness, or foolishness associated with a man who KNOWS what kind of relationship he wants with a woman—and REFUSES to settle for less. Men who want to experience a more multifaceted relationship with a woman than just a “sexual” one should NEVER allow themselves to be talked out of it by those who feel differently.
What’s right for other people is not always the same thing that’s right for you. Accept that fact and keep your life moving in the direction that YOU want it to go.
@Victory Unlimited..
Preach!!!!
I agree with NN when he states “Sex is form. Connection is substance. At some point our sexual selves need more than to bust a nut. Even for the man who has many options, he too desires an option that nourishes him, not just relieves the hunger”. I know this happens with some men at least because it has happened to me — I would much rather have a deep, trusting relationship with a woman with similar values and outlook on life than a continued series of temporary relations with varying women. I have done that many times over and… Read more »
That’s very nice, Rick. But tell me, how would a man, who has only had a handful of dating/sex opportunities in his lifetime, know what he really wants? I believe I’m talking about a good 60-70% of the entire male population. How do we know how the dating / relationship lives of men would play out if they had more options? If they had the ability to attract women easily? You might want to point at the countless men you know of who love their gf’s and wives to bits, who are in happy fulfilling relationships and wouldn’t trade them… Read more »
Good points Tim. I don’t see the majority of young men growing up dreaming about finding the one particular girl for to spend the rest of their lives with, either. I don’t see them actively searching for ‘the one’. Its more like they are just looking to ‘pull girls’. Why then most of them are seen in proper official relationships as soon as they enter young adulthood? I think it may have a lot to do with the ‘constraints’ you’ve talked about in detail. When a young man expresses his sexual frustration, the standard advice and the message given to… Read more »
“Good points Tim. I don’t see the majority of young men growing up dreaming about finding the one particular girl for to spend the rest of their lives with, either.” I dream about finding and married the right girl since high school to be honest. And I’m a 22 year old guy with lots of sexual energy. I want to ask, is this an American thing, to be a guy who rather have multiple casual sex rather than relationship with one woman? Because I’m not American, I’m Asian who live in rather conservative Asian country. We have no hookup culture… Read more »
I think it would be safe to say that men who can obtain sex easily are in a much better position to decide whether they want a relationship or not.
@Atypical I know I wasn’t necessarily unique, in my thinking among males (not necessarily alpha only) or even females nowadays at an ever increasing number, sign of the times, I admit it’s not very common for either genders more so females but with the social realities nowadays it’s becoming more so, it seems the person or persons giving advice to (Dwayne) are basing it on the notion that for a relationship to be healthy it’s somehow has to be exclusive, on top of that any males who prefer it are sociopath or psychopath! !! As much as I truly get… Read more »
Oh my, I’m not even sure where to start here. For myself, (female, late 20’s) I am not interested in a committed relationship at this point in my life. I am living away from home going to school and will be returning home upon graduation so I don’t want to get attached to anyone out here as more than a friend. That being said, does that mean I can’t be intimate with someone simply because I don’t want a relationship. No, it does not. And I don’t make that a mystery either. I explain my situation thoroughly before pursuing any… Read more »
Sorry for the typing errors, Camping in the woods with some friends & in a tent using a cellphone to type this at night, 🙂 🙂
I meant to say many alpha males, in control of, …, all I am trying to point out is not all alpha males, I know are necessarily savvy or use common sense in matters of the heart.
I have seen or met one so called alpha males that I thought were in control of every aspects of their life but I personally haven’t met one that could fake it in matters of the heart for to long, that’s if any of us can agree on what an alpha male is, for the simple fact I have close friends who fit that definition in my humble opinion yet their main weakness was emotional intelligence, when it comes to women.
A lot of “fake” alpha males love to talk about how they “never” feel anything for the women that they’re having sex with. Then, one day, they finally meet a woman, start sexing her, and find out TOO LATE that they’ve suddenly gotten emotionally attached!
And when that happens, you usually have to take their tie, belt, and shoelaces—lock’em up in a rubber room and put’em under 24-hour suicide watch—just to keep them from killing themselves.
lol, very true
I agree with this article. As a young guy ( early 20s ) , hookup culture and FWBs are something I cannot understand. Maybe because I’m not casual sex type of guy. But it would be so hard for me to have sex with a woman without having any emotional connection with. Seriously I’m tired with all these stereotypes about how men want sex and women want love. I think we , men and women are not different in what we want and need. If there are some people who can have sex without emotional connection, its not based on… Read more »
Hook up culture is not just a new fade, it is based on the way we live , fast, mobile, open, association with other people that usually develops into (friends with benefits), usually do to the yearning as we age to more heart felt intimacy, balanced realistic emotional security without the old rules of stick together forever mentality, specially at a time were the real numbers of a broken marriage or dissolved long term exclusive relationships (common law or otherwise) are actually on the increase exponentially & as a matter of fact a life time relationship (25 years or more)… Read more »
Maybe I’m just speaking for myself here, but I think the overwhelming majority of men would prefer a FWB zone over the regular, affectionless Friend Zone any day.
Whatever the drawbacks may be, they’re better than most other options for most men.
@Bay Area Guy
You would be correct! I know this man does.
I don’t do the Friend Zone thingy.
“Maybe I’m just speaking for myself here, but I think the overwhelming majority of men would prefer a FWB zone over the regular, affectionless Friend Zone any day.” Yes! I wholeheartedly agree with this. However, the guy who wrote in, and many other guys just like him—want the third option in-between. They want NO PARTS of the friend zone, but MUCH MORE than to just live perpetually in the FWB zone. Whenever men settle for “less” than what they really want in any relationship—the nagging ticks of dissatisfaction that they feel is similar to the ticking of a Doomsday Clock:… Read more »
Same with women.
@ NM Who said you can’t have genuine, heart felt, love & empathy for some one without the need to own or have them to yourself only, where do you go assuming that an adult cannot care about somebody without having them to live with them, specially in this day & age in which a fair number of adults are commitment shy , marriage or otherwise as long as it’s based on exclusivity that is historically derived from religion !!! The simple fact is people will always get into relationships & adjust it to the time & place to go… Read more »
The issue here is also about age and energy. As I turned 35, I began to notice that I desired less “options” and more quality in all my relationships. It was like shopping for a car. No matter how I found it and decided that this is what I want and like, I felt solid in my decision. As opposed to life in my twenties where anything shiny caught my attention. Then there is quality. I like substance over form. Sex is form. Connection is substance. At some point our sexual selves need more than to bust a nut. Even… Read more »
@NN
“Sex is form. Connection is substance. At some point our sexual selves need more than to bust a nut. Even for the man who has many options, he too desires an option that nourishes him, not just relieves the hunger.”
I say hogwash! Dream on my friend.
Ultimately, it’s a question of plusses and minuses. “With benefits” has never meant “without drawbacks.” If you go into ANY relationship assuming that it’s the perfect scenario, then THAT is a major reason why that relationship crashed and burned: unrealistic expectations. Every relationship scenario has its plusses and minuses. You have to decide on an individual basis what weight to put on each one. Besides, I don’t see why sustainability or long-term potential is necessarily a key measurement of a relationship. A relationship that ends awkwardly is not always a sign that the whole thing was a terrible mistake. And,… Read more »
This guy’s real problem seems to be a lack of other dating options. I know of some guys who fell for the girls they were FwB with. These are the (handful) of guys who go on to tell men that becoming attached / getting feelings hurt / feeling used etc can happen to men as well, in Fwb situations. There is one thing they all have in common with each other….they were exclusive with the FwB girl, while she was probably banging 10 other dudes. I have NEVER seen or heard of a genuinely attractive guy who has a dozen… Read more »
Nailed it! The words you speak here are far closer to the truth than many men suspect. Also… deeply resent the false dichotomy presented here. So if I can’t maintain an extended FWB situation without losing control of my emotions and falling too hard for a girl, then I’m an “normal, emotionally healthy man.” But, if I can maintain an extended FWB situation without losing control of my emotions and falling too hard for a girl, then I’m a “sociopath or psychopath [who’s burned my conscience beyond recognition].” Right. I would think being “emotionally healthy” would mean being able to… Read more »
@DD
“The idea that the only “healthy” relationship is a long-term committed, monogamous one is largely BS.”
Ditto!
How do you know that if you are not one of those attractive guys with lots of option? Honestly I disagree with you. I think men are no different than women, we do have same ability to love someone, one woman or one man, not because we dont have any other options. We just love her. We felt “that” connection we dont get from other women. And of course it will hurt if we want to pursue “real” relationship while she just want to have FEB relationship. And I’m sure even those highly attractive men or super rich men have… Read more »
Bitterness aside, Tim’s post is not completely without merit. A LOT of things change when you move from a guy who’s only moderately (or not at all) successful with women to being one whom women regularly pursue. One of the first things that happens is that you begin to realize that women are largely the same and that it doesn’t make sense to continue pining over one girl when you can go out and meet another one just like her in a week’s time. Having that level of power and influence over your dating life really does change who you… Read more »