Have you ever Googled someone you met on an online dating site? Sandy Weiner did, and what she discovered was shocking.
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Since my divorce, I’ve had two significant relationships with men I met through online dating sites. After my last relationship ended 6 months ago, I took a few months off for some ‘me’ time before dating again. Now that I’m back online, I’ve been on a series of first-date-wonders. No second dates. I just wasn’t feeling a connection with anyone until a few days ago.
My heart did a little happy dance when I received an email from a man who seemed interesting, smart, cool, and dare I say…normal! On paper, we seemed to have a lot in common. We exchanged a few emails and set up a time to talk.
Our phone conversation was fun and easy.
He seemed to have a spark to him, a little fire in his belly, which is very attractive to me. I am young at heart, actively engaged in my life, always learning and growing.
As I hung up the phone, I was smiling. Finally, a man who seemed to have his act together.
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I am looking for a partner who is alive with excitement for life, intellectually curious, and interested in self-growth, too.
We set a tentative date for Wednesday afternoon.
As I hung up the phone, I was smiling. Finally, a man who seemed to have his act together (unlike the guy last week who canceled our date at the last minute because his cell phone broke. Is that the new dating version of ‘the dog ate my homework’ excuse?).
As I thought about our upcoming date, I began to get an uncomfortable feeling in my gut.
There were a few things he had said on the phone that felt a little off. He said he was a real estate lawyer, but he had been forced to retire early several years ago. It was a blessing in disguise, he said, because he likes working for himself and doesn’t like to take orders from anyone.
He also mentioned that he was different from most men his age, because he likes extreme sports and rides a motorcycle. Something about his forced retirement combined with his love of daredevil high-risk sports made me Google him to see if I could learn more.
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I don’t usually Google my dates before meeting, because I think it’s good to go in with an open mind.
With this guy, my gut was telling me to do a little snooping, and I was shocked by what I found!
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I trust my intuition to alert me if anything feels off with a potential date, and if it does, I will either check him out on Google or just say no to a first date. With this guy, my gut was telling me to do a little snooping, and I was shocked by what I found!
There were over 18 articles and court records stating that he was disbarred for Grand Larceny ($700,000), possession of a forged instrument, and attempted bribery. He was convicted and sent to prison for a 4-year term.
What do you do when you learn that your potential date is a felon?
Since we had already set a date to meet, I felt I had to somehow address what my friend Google had revealed. I emailed him one of the article links and asked if it was him. And if so, could he explain.
“Yes, it’s me”, he said. “There’s an explanation, but it’s too much to write about. I’ll just say I was given a bad rap and the charges were false. I never stole any money, yada yada yada…” He said he’d be happy to talk about it and tell me the truth.
Um. No thanks. I was not going to ask a convicted felon for his version of the truth. I already knew everything I needed to know. I ignored his email and moved on in my search for love online.
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This story is not meant to turn you off from dating online. If you want to find love, online dating is one of your best options, especially if you’re over 40. I tell this tale with the hope that it could help you dodge a bullet (literally or figuratively).
Please don’t be afraid to date online. Do stay safe, and remember to trust your intuition. It knows the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Have you ever Googled a date and discovered something alarming? Please let us know in the comments below.
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Photo: Flickr/Kevin Dooley
@Natalie,
I don’t always know a last name until I’ve been on one or two dates. With this guy, his last name came up on my caller ID. Another way to search for someone without a name is by using Google Image Search. Grab their image from the dating site and move it to your desktop. Go to https://www.google.com/imghp and drop the image in. If it’s anywhere else on the web, it will tell you. That’s how I once found a romance scammer who gave me a false name and used someone else’s photo! Stay safe and keep on dating.
How did you find him? I never knew last names of my dates…
I could write a small book on the number of men who have lied about their age (to me, number one deal breaker-no way to start a relationship), profession, and other somewhat vital information. I Google potential dates often. It has kept.me from wasting time on men who are less than honest. Some go as far as to set up fake Facebook accounts as well. It’s important to do your homework and see what is out there about a potential date.
@Martha, Yes, men lie about their age and so do women. It’s the most common online dating lie. I wouldn’t write someone off for the age fib, though, especially if they come clean right away and they’re not lying by a few decades! However, the big lies, such as not being single, having a different profession, etc, are more alarming. It’s important to stay safe when dating, but sometimes too much advance knowledge can actually work against you. You don’t know the full truth of everything posted online. In most cases, I don’t google unless I have a gut feeling… Read more »
Sandy, I agree with you, and in the men I met, they would not come clean…so I decided to not move forward. If they lie about their age (this was by 10 years in both cases) then what else are they hiding or lying about? I usually play it by ear…meet in a safe public location first, see how things feel before moving forward. It’s an adventure, to say the least! And I’ve also found it’s best to not have too many expectations, otherwise it’s easy to become disappointed before giving the guy a chance. Thanks for your eye opening… Read more »
Hi Sandy
Read about Clare’s law in UK
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-17254163
I do not know if they in 2015 UK can look up if the man or woman you date can be found in a register for domestic abuse.
It is good idea.
@Silke
Yes, it’s good to know if a person has been abusive in the past. These things often aren’t apparent when you first start dating someone. Better to be forewarned, especially if you have a gut feeling about someone.
I’m over 40 and have done the on-line dating (currently in a relationship). I think a quick background check via the internet is almost a must, no matter where you meet them (unless maybe via mutual friends). They are strangers and what some may consider a little paranoia is what potentially helps keep us safe. I live in a county where court records are public so I search the man.s name to make sure they are divorced, if they’ve claimed to be, and not a criminal. I also check Megan’s law. I have a child and there is NO way… Read more »
I can’t bring myself to do it. The few times I did snoop around a woman’s Facebook page, the whole encounter felt tense and unnatural… it’s hard to be fully present when you’re pretending that everything you’re being told isn’t something you’ve already learned. I’d rather meet someone without the burden of so many preconceptions, even if I don’t like what I find. Safety is understandably a greater factor for women than men, but then, if one follows the generally accepted guidelines in meeting for someone the first time – agree on active, well-lit public space – the worst outcome… Read more »
@D, I agree with you that snooping before every date is not a good practice. In the article, I do say that i don’t check up on most of my dates for the same reason you mention. Plus, not everything you find online is accurate or the whole truth. But with this guy, something told me to check up on him. And I’m glad I did. Would I have been in danger? Probably not, but I wouldn’t have wanted to date him for a while and then learn his character was shady. This kind of guy can be charming and… Read more »
Sandy: I have a felony arrest on my record in York County,ME. I went to the court for my arraignment and pleaded not guilty. After about 3 months I received a phone call from my court appointed attorney that the case was dismissed for lack of evidence. I wonder if a woman will see that and decide not to take a chance on me. Yes I was arrested. I never went to trial. I was never convicted and sent to prison.
Ronald, I’m glad you brought this up. Yes, there would be women who would Google you, see the records, and not want to date you, which is too bad if you are innocent. What I didn’t say in this article is that sometimes the whole truth is not apparent on a Google search. I dated one man a while ago who had been served for something he did, but he also pleaded not guilty. We spoke about it and I went out with him. There are other men I’ve dated who had a record. If they were not convicted and… Read more »
I don’t have a criminal record………period. But, just because someone does doesn’t make them a bad person. It means they made a mistake, got caught, served their time, and are trying to move on with their lives. Everyone has committed a felony at least once in our lives…..most of us were just lucky enough to not get caught.
Hi Michael I hear what you are saying. In my country we can not look up to see if a person has been in prison and we have no Megan’s law. But we have the right to look up a persons tax return facts. So if you know the logic behind the data you will usually figure out if the persons economic situation fortune, income etc year by year….. And of course it is unfair that anyone can snoop into your private life like that. Having money does not make you a good person and knowing that a person probably… Read more »
@Michael Russell, I agree that an arrest doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. Some people are wrongly accused or in the wrong place at the wrong time. For example, I have found court records on other men, and if they didn’t seem like they would pose a safety issue for me, I have talked with those men about what I found. This particular guy in the article had done too many bad things, and I wasn’t interested in pursuing it any further. @Silke, I agree, having no money doesn’t make you a bad person. Being in debt doesn’t make… Read more »