On Mother’s Day, John Q. Gay thinks about the man his partner is, and how it’s his mother’s fault.
My partner and I have a running joke, that his mother can’t stand the person she raised him to be.
It’s that kind of joke that has more than a little truth in it.
I’m going to call my partner Rick. He’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, almost to a fault. In a children’s book, he’d be the fairy-tale knight in shining armor, rescuing those in distress and feeding every stray kitten and puppy that made its way to the castle door. As long as what a person likes and does isn’t hurting other people, his attitude toward their interests and proclivities is, “Eh, whatever.”
He’s been an activist across platforms: LGBT issues, community care for the homeless, destigmatizing mental heath issues, psychological and psychiatric treatment for soldiers, equal access to education, comprehensive sex education beginning in elementary schools.
He also doesn’t care who lives down the street, as long as they’re not vandalizing stuff or letting their animals or small children run loose – he worries that those could be easily damaged.
So what does his mother have to do with this?
She’s never acknowledged us a couple – having a gay child is shameful enough. But she includes me in holidays and some family gatherings and Sunday lunches. And you’d better never. EVER say “fag” or “queer” or anything bad about gays in front of her. She’ll let you know that is not ok. He says she’s never understood what people think is wrong with gays, and this started long before he came out (much to her dismay),
Our neighborhood is mixed race and ethnicity, which makes her very uncomfortable, and she’s told us she doesn’t like it. But when a black family moved to her town and some locals tried to push them out, she was in the front to the line to tell them to knock it off and leave them alone, and welcome the family (who unfortunately didn’t stay long). She’s done this more than once, and inquires after our next-door neighbor and her little dog, who we rarely see anymore.
My partner was not raised going to church, a rarity in a small southern town, because while his mother calls herself a Christian, she can’t stand the lies and hypocrisy she sees in churches. She doesn’t like people living together if they’re not married, but when a local pastor kicked a couple out his church for doing that, she let everyone know that she thought it was the pastor who ought to be kicked out – of town, and that it was his job to council and not judge.
His mother can’t stand kids getting in fights, doesn’t understand why they do it, especially kids who just reach their limits and snap. She doesn’t see how they get there. But my partner was relentlessly bullied in school, and on the occasions when he’d got pushed too far and got in a fight, his mother was right there asking why the kids who started it weren’t being punished. It never occurred to her that Rick had done anything wrong. The fault lay entirely with the kids who had provoked it, and the teachers who let it continue. Mind you, this was 20+ years ago.
Mom is not educated. She’s literate, but not interested in books and doesn’t “get” reading for pleasure. But she made sure he never wanted for books and has no patience for people who don’t think education matters
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For many years, I’ve been with a gay man with an activist bent, a weak spot for loners and strays, a guy who wants to endlessly learn and help and share what he knows with others, who just can’t get his brain around why people hurt and hate. The words, “What’s the big f**king deal?” are pretty much our household mantra. “I just don’t get it”, are frequent flyers, too.
His mother doesn’t understand him. She doesn’t get it. His willingness to fight for others and his lack of judgment about them drives her nuts.
She doesn’t understand that she made him this way. It’s largely her fault.
You can’t demonstrate love and kindness in front of your children and not expect some of it to rub off.
—Photo Claire Thompson/Flickr