As a single man my love life is AWESOME! How about yours?
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Yesterday someone asked me “how’s your love life?”
I’m a single man, and have not been in a significant, long term relationship for several years. I thought that was a problem I needed to resolve, and worked pretty hard at it for a while. My stock answer to this question in the past was always,
“I don’t have a love life.”
but this time I noticed the FEELING in my body, and it was sweet, so I blurted out this candy cane:
“My love life is SPECTACULAR.”
My friend scrunched up her face and said,
“how can that be when you’re still single?”
If you could watch her face in slow motion, it looked like she was sucking on a lemon when she said “single”. Then it occurred to me: I’m not “still” single. I’m not even really “single”. I’m just not in a romantic partnership. The term “still single” screams something incomplete, as if I’m “half-way there”. But I don’t feel “half-way” anywhere. I don’t feel “incomplete”.
I feel complete. I feel… good. Right HERE, where I AM.
I feel….LOVED.
This is the sweetness I taste daily: There is so much love in my life, I feel genuinely blessed. I’m grateful. The list of people who love me is long. So how can I cry about not having a “love life”?
I have a best friend who I’ve loved deeply for 20 years, a friendship that keeps maturing. I have a strong network of friends all over the globe. They treat me with kindness and respect. I can tell they enjoy our friendship. I have soul-mates—men and women—who have enriched my life beyond words.
We go deep. We have shallow fun. We talk about life and death and god and sex. We laugh and we cry but mostly we laugh.
I’m a man in love.
I love what I do for a living and the people I work with. I love so many of the students I serve. I have a vocation that transcends any idea of a “job”. I love where I live. It’s the coolest spot in all of Texas. I love my family. Even better (when it comes to family this is important) I LIKE them. My siblings are my friends. I’m totally in love with my nephews and nieces.
A spark of heaven landed on earth 14 years ago, and became my God-Son. He’s become the light of my life.
I love my yoga and my art. I love my teachers, my sangha, and I love my guru. I love the person I’ve become. I love my life.
Am I making you sick?
Look, If you can fall in love with your own life, your Love-Life is golden.
When that happens, there’s no sense even considering anyone as a romantic partner if they can’t at MINIMUM improve upon that. Because when you fall in love with your life, you can be AWESOME even if you never have a partner. Things are good.
No need to change it. If someone comes along and they can compliment that, great. If not, life is beautiful. Win-win.
I read once that one of the top fears of all men is growing old alone. One might say there’s some evidence that this fear outweighs the fear of commitment. We don’t want to grow old and die alone.
“Grow old” + “Die alone” = a deadly double-play combination.
Is there anything more terrifying?
I’ll admit to once being driven by this fear. For a time I lived in a constant sprint to some imaginary finish line, trying to escape the rotting fish called “alone” trailing right behind me. I could feel his warm, foul breath on the back of my neck. When I got married, I thought I’d beaten him to the finish line. I broke down crying on my own honeymoon when the realization hit me, I’d outpaced him. My ex-wife found me in a puddle of tears in the bathroom. I don’t know, probably that wasn’t a good sign 😉
When I divorced, I opened the door to walk out, and there he was, grinning at me. Waiting. The race was on again. You think you can outrun this fear, but you can’t. This is the dirty little secret no one tells you: Fears can’t be outrun. Ever. They just like to linger behind, lurking over your shoulder. But the only way to beat them is to stop running, turn and face them. Throw a bucket of water on them and watch them melt.
I thought eventually I’d find someone and settle down again, but I got lucky: it didn’t happen.
I was forced to figure out another strategy for my life because this thing wasn’t going away. I was forced to figure out what made my heart sing. I started doing yoga and fell in love with my breath. I started making art, and fell in love with color. I started photographing trees and the way light dances in the sky, and realized—to my surprise—I don’t need a date to enjoy these things.
Then I got a little courage, and made the risky move: I started letting people love me. I discovered how much fun it is to enjoy my friendships. It paved the way for me to really appreciate myself.
I’m having fun being ME.
Of course, I had to retire from the Perpetual Self Improvement Project. Whew! That was a full-time job. And that’s the one easy step:
- Retire from the Perpetual Self Improvement Project.
- Throw yourself into doing what makes your heart sing.
- Let people love you.
- Let yourself love them back.
- Enjoy being you.
- Wear crazy socks and hot red pants.
- Be an Awesome Badass.
OK, that’s 7 steps. Pick one. It’s all the same thing.
◊♦◊
So yes, I have an AWESOME Love Life.
I’m not “alone”
I’m a little spec of dust made of all the light in the universe.
I’m not single.
I’m plural.
My Love Life is on FIRE.
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I really liked the article and agree with everything in it. Just one question comes to mind: what about sex?
Hey Greg,
I am right there with you having an awesome love life minus the romantic relationship, and I’ve never felt more alive! I loved your article but your conclusion seemed to come out of nowhere, and could use a whole post on its own. How was self improvement holding you back? What made you decide to stop? Could you elaborate?
Greg – I was skimming through FB stuff and stopped to read this and I am glad I did. Divorced now for 7 years I have had a heck of a time “trying” and pushing myself to date and “find” someone the last few years. Last year I met a man who is very much happy where he is with friends that he has, and is not looking for a relationship. We date, not in a committed relationship at all. But what I have learned from him, and you have reinforced for me, is that I can be and I… Read more »
Awesome article! This read definitely turned my morning around giving the right perspective. I was on the right track all along.
What a thrill to read! And I COMPLETELY relate. I feel so much more love in my life when I’m myself, radiantly living from a place of integrity and engaging these amazing love-filled relationships which don’t happen to be romantic. And you know what, they’re better because they’re not. It’s pure companionate love, and ironically more romantic than ‘romantic’ love can sometimes be. I know how thrilled I am to be alive and be me and be in this world, filled with awesome people. Romantic love might fall into this spectrum but i wouldn’t trade this way or living/lovin in… Read more »
Hi Greg! Thanks for the article. The pressure of finding that other-half/ partner/ spouse I think is so much higher for women. And it is tiring. I needed this to validate I am indeed in the right path. Stay awesome!
If this approach works for you, fine. I DO believe one must develop a healthy self image and take advantage of the “love” that is offered, be it “friend” love, “relative” love, love of hobbies, groups, etc. However, I’m not buying into the theory that it will REPLACE the longing for committed, romantic relationships and for many, marriage. I appreciate the encouragement and perspective; and have even experienced much of what you have described, but as a man in his 50’s, divorced over eight years, the longing for the “one true love” has never subsided…and that makes me a bit… Read more »
I have to honestly say that I feel really good knowing that I’m not alone in this (I knew I’m not alone in this, just had to find the person). THANK THE CREATOR OF INTERNET for helping people connect with one another. I am really glad that this article sounds dear to my heart and mind, because that is already a sign for me that I grew, or better said, even outgrew the (miserable) person I used to be. I don’t regret the things I’ve done, I am content with my past and present, and I am very thankful to… Read more »
Bro this is beautiful…James
I admire your outlook, covet it, even. That perspective is one that I aspire to, but it’s still a work in progress. I have to ask though, if someone asks you about your “love life”, obviously alluding to your dating experiences or relationship state, why not give “I’m single, but life is good anyway”, as a response? I understand broadening the definition of “love life” as a personal exercise in changing one’s perspective, but in the context of social interaction, it just seems like another way of deflecting the question. As you’ve illustrated, happiness and being single are not mutually… Read more »
Hi David, thanks for your excellent comment and question! I can’t say there’s anything wrong with answering the question with your reply. Clearly when people inquire about the “love life”, they are inquiring specifically about romance. The answer one chooses reflects that person’s entire consciousness about the topic. Personally, I just found that by isolating out my “life” and “love” from “romance”, I was remaining stuck in comparison mode. “I’m single BUT…” The “but” still implies something is missing. (I’d be more inclined to say “I’m single AND…”. ) What feels good to me is to embrace all of life… Read more »
Hi,
An “and” could be added instead of the “but”. ” I’m single, and live is life is good anyway ” then nothing is implied as missing.
Fat fingers. Meant to say “I’m single, and life is good anyway”
Thank you so much for this article. I just went through a break up and I’m truly fascinated on how eager I am to start building a life of my own, how greatful I am this happened and how comfortable I am on my own skin in the present moment. I think I’m getting there, at the speed of sound. 😉
Karla, thank you for your comment. For some reason GMP took my reply last night as “spam” and deleted my comment to you, so I’ll try again. I just want to honor you for the amazingly open and affirming way you are embracing this new transition in your life. Your attitude is generative, magnetizing, and creative. It evokes a feeling / expectation of HOPE, and that’s tremendous. Many blessings on your journey. Please keep me in the loop with your unfolding.