B.O.L.D member Andrea Lawful-Trainer calls out mothers of black boys who coddle instead of cultivate.
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I’m disgusted and frustrated at the amount of grown black men in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s who are unable to function because instead of being given the principles and standards of manhood when they were children, they were spoiled and coddled by their mother, and grew into punks who can’t deal with the realities and complexities of life.
I’m a mother of two black men: ages 18 and 22. I was a single mom for a large portion of their childhood, but instead of projecting my adult issues on them, I made sure they were self-sufficient – and their father was invited to be involved in all aspects of their lives because I parked my hurt feelings at the door. The result of that selfless decision, along with surrounding my boys with strong male mentors, has truly been priceless.
My boys learned to cook and do full loads of laundry before they reached age nine. Additionally, I taught them accountability by punishing them for the irresponsible decisions they made. My sons were encouraged to seek higher education and told that failure is not an option. They both attended the colleges of their choice: one is starting and the other has graduated. The college graduate is heading to California for a month as a part of his job training… I’m thrilled to see him go!
The exuberance I have for my boys moving towards independence isn’t a trait shared by all mothers. I’ve witnessed many mothers tell their black boys not to go away to college because they need them at home, as they are the man of the house, and in some cases the only man in the mother’s life.
That mess sends me into a tailspin! The mother is failing to see how she’s crippling her son, who may end up living in her house well into his 40’s, having no idea what a healthy relationship should be. And while that may make the mother happy, the son grows to resent her and lacks the coping and leadership skills needed to have a family of his own.
And then you have the mother who uses her children as a bargaining chip in a bitter divorce, planting thoughts in the child’s head about the father. By the time everyone begins to see their evil stupidity, there stands an 18 year-old not ready for life.
It’s high time we stop crippling our black boys so we can feel better about the choices we made. We need to allow them to become men, without hindrance, baggage and dependent mothering.
Our sons deserve better, and society needs more black men who are fishermen ready to face the world beyond their momma’s feet!
Thanks for reading the thoughtful musings of a DIVA!™
A proud mother of black boys, Andrea Lawful-Trainer is the Principal/CEO of C.A.P.E.S, Chairperson of SE PA CARES, an Affiliate of the National CARES Mentoring Movement, and Chair of the Montgomery County Advisory Council to the PA Human Relations Commission.
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Photo: pedrosimoes7/Flickr
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I believe I’m slightly offended by this piece. First the title should have been “How “Some” Mothers…”. In my opinion, as a single mother most of my son’s life, I believe I’ve raised a fantastic black boy into manhood. He is currently serving our wonderful country in the U.S. Navy—his choice. But I’m NOT BOLD enough to say that I’ve done such an outstanding job. At least not until he has successfully married, his wife (who actually lives with him and knows firsthand what kind of “Man” he is) compliments/thanks me for the good job I’ve done and his children… Read more »
You don’t measure your son’s success by some future hypothetical wife and children. Men have every right to be and remain single and to not want children without being told they are failures. A man’s success CANNOT be measured by his marriage to anybody-male or female- or by the presence or absence of children! Grow up!!!