D.A. Wolf gets into the question everyone wonders about and nobody wants to be the first to ask.
Come on. It never really gets old, does it? The subject of sex – who’s doing it, how they’re doing it, how often they’re doing it, not to mention where. Your sex life. My sex life. The neighbor with the three dogs or the hot instructor in your Yoga class.
So let’s get to the burning question. How much sex is too much sex?
Now, now. You might say that topic has been done to (the little) death. But here’s what amuses me. If you Google “How much sex is too much” and leave it at that, what comes next leads to an intriguing discussion.
There’s how much sex is too much for a woman, how much sex is too much for a man, how much sex is too much with my boyfriend (or girlfriend), how much sex is too much to ask for, how much sex is too much for one night.
And then there’s the kicker – at least to some of us – how much sex is too much for marriage.
That last variation?
Tragic. Don’t you think so? Having been married (and yes, divorced), I see it as a sorry state of affairs when I consider how starry-eyed we are walking down the aisle, and how gargantuan the gulf becomes when we’re discussing the marital mattress.
Even The Google reflects our cultural conundrum: sex in romantic relationships is one thing, and in marriage – quite another.
As to frequency of sexual activity, browsing the web turns up articles running the gamut from medically minded reasons women don’t want sex to why women stop having sex with Hubby Dearest. And let’s not forget that we’re all subject to conventional wisdom, which advises that we must like and want sex – men, as much and as often as possible, and women – when we’re in love, and preferably, legally married.
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The reality of our sexual appetites?
Those of us who have been with the same partner for years are aware of the pitfalls of routine – not only in our amorous antics, but “take out the trash” and “what’s for dinner” aren’t conducive to ratcheting up the romance.
Then there’s stress, fatigue, and physical discomforts. Hormones? That, too. And it all combines to tank the ladies’ libido – temporarily or for longer periods. At least, it does for me.
And so I willingly confess that there are times I’m not in the mood. I’m turned off to sex, but I’m never turned off to affection, and I’m a believer in sexual generosity.
So what does that mean, exactly? Indulging in a quickie? A hand with a “job?” Or are we forced into negotiating and nagging, scheduling and scheming? Do we turn a blind eye? Do we consider looking elsewhere? And when things pick up again and resume a normal rhythm, are we talking Standard Saturday Night Sex – or can we hope for something more enticing?
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Can we agree that stage, age, and parenting status are factors?
If we’re talking about sexual activity early in marriage, with babies and bottles and hapless hormones, the primary caregiver is going to be beat. Guys, if that’s your woman – give her a break if she needs one, and she probably will.
Sex in our twenties or thirties may be acrobatic. In our forties and fifties, something else again. Older? Men may have the Little Blue Pill, but women may be worried about aging bodies and sagging skin, or they may feel sexier and more adventurous than ever – relieved at last from pregnancy worries, and enjoying the privacy afforded in Empty Nest.
A few more variations that affect our frequency?
- We may be hungry for sex on its own (Say hello to spiking hormones!).
- We may desire sex with affection. (Traditionalists will be pleased.)
- We may want the affection, but no thanks to the sex. (Definitely tricky; again recommending “generosity” as strategy.)
- A 20-year age gap? What’s fine when you’re 30 and your spouse is 50 may not be viable at 50 and 70.
- What if one partner is healthy, and the other suffers a debilitating condition?
In those last two cases of one active, healthy spouse, how do you feel about going outside the couple? Do we condemn the healthy partner to years of a sexless marriage? Do we allow for “alternatives” while remaining married, or condone leaving a long-term union instead?
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Why is it still taboo – even with spouses – to talk about what we desire, much less to think, slink, and kink outside the box? Shouldn’t we be trying to keep things fresh – talking, listening and playing – exploring our fantasies – as well as each other?
One thing I learned in marriage, and I confess, I learned it the hard way: not talking means not solving. And in my journey since divorce, I’ve gotten better at expressing what I need, more open in my willingness to explore, and sexual quantity as well as quality is the delightful surprise at the end of that rainbow.
But I will say this clearly. Whatever I may be comfortable with, if the man in my life wants and needs more sex, I’d be a damn fool not to pay attention, and not to be loving. Likewise, if I’m not getting what I need, I’d be crazy to look the other way and pretend it doesn’t matter when in fact, it does.
Returning to the wisdom of The Almighty Google, perhaps the answer to how much sex is too much sex is as simple as “it depends.” My premise may be askew – knowing that as our partners change, as our needs change, as our bodies change, as life throws us for a loop or offers us a graceful stretch of road – the nature of our pleasures and their frequency will evolve.
So here’s to changing the question from “how much sex is too much sex” – regardless of with whom and in what configuration – and asking instead “how much sex is just right” – with the rest of the phrase, for the two of us, here and now.
Photo—Angelo González/Flickr
The question still remains… how much sex is too much sex? We’ve been married for seven years. We have three kids. If I recount, in the last two and a half months, we have done it more than fifty times for sure. We both enjoy it. How will we ever find out we’re overdoing it both from enjoyment and health perspective?
Slut shaming, sexless marriages…you really can’t win. Slutty ho or Frigid bitch. I love choices!
Agreed, no such thing as ‘too much sex’ This notion only applies when a couple falls out of synch with each other sexually – ie one person’s need for sexual intimacy becomes greater/lesser than the others.
Dear god please let that never happen to me.
Now please excuse me, I’m going into town to get ‘Slut Shamed’..branded on my bosom.
Cheerio.
More on sociosexual orientation: “Evolutionary personality psychologists classify men and women on sociosexual orientation between the extremes of unrestricted and restricted. Relative to sociosexually restricted individuals, sociosexually unrestricted individuals are more likely to: 1) engage in sex at an earlier point in their relationships; 2) engage in sex with more than one partner at a time; and 3) be involved in sexual relationships characterized by less investment, commitment, love, and dependency. Sociosexual orientation (just like all other personality traits) is a relatively stable trait of individuals over the life course; in other words, people are either sociosexually restricted or unrestricted… Read more »
As it’s been raised a few times in this discussion (slut-shaming, virginity, “traditional” male-female arrangements)… Can someone explain to me how and why virginity remains relevant in the 21st century?
We don’t automatically test for paternity, and even if we did, the husband is still legally ‘assumed’ to be the father in most states. Virginal brides seriously mitigate against the risk of entrapment (a woman getting pregnant and then ‘deciding’ who she would like the father to be). That said, as a requirement, it’s so rare as to serve as nothing but a bugaboo. Women bring it up when they need something to ‘prove’ men are evil, but it isn’t something any of them has been held to since prom. They are really upset that men care about how many… Read more »
@Soullite, I think you touch on a few different issues here, directly and indirectly: virginity (in and of itself); infidelity / trust; the issue of partner counts. Before I address your remarks, I’ll remind you that the gist of this article is sex in marriage and committed relationships – the fact that it dwindles to the extent that it does, and how (ideally) perspective and generosity might allow men and women both to do something about it. I will add that my world of friends and contacts consists largely of men and women who are married, divorced, or remarried. No… Read more »
What a complex subject to try and tackle in a blog post and subsequent comments! Talking should be a priority before marriage, during and after should you head down that road. One topic not mentioned here is sexual abuse. Its quite common for some victims of sexual abuse to repress their memories until after marriage (they feel safe now) or when a child reaches the aged they were abused at (trigger). This can have a dramatic impact on a marriage. A marriage that might have started with volcanic sex can suddenly take a turn for the worse. Or, as in… Read more »
It is complex @Darren. And your point about abuse is a critical one. Too often swept under the rug, and never discussed for so many reasons.
I know few who could have discussed sexual (or other abuse) before marriage, and some who wouldn’t have discussed it after. Yes, so many variations, and we do need to bring the topic to light.
As I’m getting closer to menopause, I find that my sex drive has definitely dropped compared to my 20’s. I still love sex but it’s just not n my mind the way it used to be. I need some effort sometimes to get in the mood. An issue I have with my longtime boyfriend is that when he’s in the mood, there’s no build up. He just suddenly wants some sex. I often want sex too, but my mind is elsewhere and I need to switch gears from thinking about work/family/housecleaning/errands/global warming/the world in general. Luckily, we are both generous… Read more »
I hear you on the need for build up, @Sarah Radford. I also agree with what you say about erotica – a little, well executed, works wonders for the libido. But erotic literature that appeals to women? Difficult to find in this country, in my experience.
And a great story – especially shared – can be a very pleasurable pastime.
My wife asks for something similar… I’m supposed to want to ravish her. It’s been so long since she’s done anything exciting, shown any independent interest in our sex life. Her job is to show up and be willing, I’m supposed to be excited by that?
She’s very attractive, but I struggle to find her sexy. I think you’re right to put that effort into keeping your motor running.
Okay, @ravishing, I’ll bite. What would it take to find her sexy? What are you willing to try to let her know you still want to try? Can you send the kids to a neighbor’s house? Surprise her before Valentine’s as opposed to whatever the automatic VDay gesture is? Could you mix her favorite drink tonight, get her a little sloshed, and ask her what she’d love to try together? Encourage her to talk about a fantasy? Can you keep in mind that women, generally, rev up more slowly than men and are reticent to voice their fantasies? What are… Read more »
I have asked for things, I have shared things. I have brought home various outfits, books, movies, toys. There is only so much rejection a person can take before that well dries up. I have asked about her fantasies and when she responds with one, I never say no. There is not much I haven’t tried, so whatever she wants to try is fine with me. I am not however, willing to try to have a satisfying sex life with someone who’s just humoring me and is not into it herself.
Well actually I didn’t say I want to be “ravished,” but I want to be told that I’m ravishing. I want to feel like my boyfriend is really attracted to me, that he finds me incredibly sexy and can’t wait to get me in the bedroom. Is that a little narcissistic of me? Probably, but it is a central part of my fantasy of being loved and wanted, and those feelings are critical to fueling my desire for sex. It’s really hard to feel that desire for him when, for him, sex is just something we do together before we… Read more »
Lol is this a joke? Umm he is probably appreciating it by default. He is turned on, I’m sure he cares you make the effort but instead of seeing it in a way where you THINK he doesn’t appreciate it, think of it that he is turned on by you whether you spend ages or not on makeup, lingerie, etc. He finds you beautiful with and without the extras. Tell him to speakup on what he likes, it’s a double edged sword you see since complimenting the extra work you do could also possibly make him feel like it’d make… Read more »
I guess it’s like, let’s say you spend hours making a gourmet dinner and your family gulps it down like they always do, and no one seems to notice the extra effort. So after awhile you don’t feel very motivated to spend hours cooking something incredible when no one seems to care. I have heard a lot from men, “women think all they have to do is show up” (for sex). Maybe that’s true of some women, but what are you doing when she makes more effort? Are you telling her you appreciate it? Are you giving positive feedback? Or… Read more »
I would try to compliment her on the extra effort, but it’s not like 100% necessary to do so. I only want her to dress up if she wants to and wants to try do something fun.
It depends on what she says she likes. If what someone is sharing is, “This spot, right here. Side to side, not up and down. About this hard.” Certainly good to know and I’ll use it. But not anything exciting. I don’t respond enthusiastically to that. If someone says, “That’s just how I am. You need to do x, y and z and maybe I’ll be in the mood for it a couple times a week.” Also not exciting. The one time I can think of my wife sharing a fantasy that seemed real and personal, it involved a number… Read more »
I’m sorry I misunderstood. That sounds kind of crummy.
@Sarah Radford, regarding the “buildup” In my late 20’s, I had a GF who could text or email me about how she was giong to seduce me when we got home from work (both of us working full-time, no kids). However, nothing ever happened. When i could question her about it, it turned out that a) She could say that “No, YOU didn’t do anything so I didn’t think you were interested!” (Well no, since you said you were gonna seduce me, I didn’t realize I was required to start the show…) And b) We had totally different definitions of… Read more »
I don’t believe, for most men, there is ever too much sex. To stay happily married, healthy women MUST understand that point, or their husbands will eventually find alternatives for their sexual needs.
To routine, fatigue, stress, and parenting I would like to also add culture and marital conflict. Having lived abroad in Asia I can see some huge differences in sexual expectations and practice in marriage post-baby. In Asia many parents cease to be lovers but instead view one another as co-parents, only. Marital conflict is a huge libido sucker too…but I suppose as it should be since once we’re married it needs to be about more than just satisfying our physical urges.
“But I will say this clearly. Whatever I may be comfortable with, if the man in my life wants and needs more sex, I’d be a damn fool not to pay attention, and not to be loving. Likewise, if I’m not getting what I need, I’d be crazy to look the other way and pretend it doesn’t matter when in fact, it does.” NEVER, have truer, more practical words been spoken. I know a man who celebrated his 34th anniversary two days ago, with a wife he LOVES – but she refuses him sex, limited to less than five times… Read more »
I agree, @Don Draper. It is big ticket. And it is a reason for infidelity. Some marriages survive it. Some don’t.
One simple thing I have learned in my years; the quality of sex is directly related to love. In my current (and forever) relationship, I have never wanted it more, wanted her more, and enjoyed it more. I guess that is why they call it, making love.
@Steve…
It’s not just about love. It is also about intimacy, affection, and eroticism.
Here in America we all too often just look at the love aspect of things. There is way more too it!
@Julia Byrd, You mention eroticism. I’m glad. It’s something we don’t talk about enough in this country. We do enjoy it, but we hide our desire for it and our pleasure in it. We tend not to raise the topic with our spouses. If we marry young, we may not realize the pleasures of erotic encounters – and there’s no reason those encounters can’t be enjoyed with our committed partner. I don’t know why we deny the fact that a little edge or a lot of playfulness or the element of surprise all add to the experience. We shouldn’t be… Read more »
Ok DA, don’t hold grudge on me to bring back again what I say about all that in Being French (see my URL about this book) because we are in the hard core of what my book precisely addresses. At some point I raise this question: Is there an official amount of sex to have? And of course my own answer is no there is no such thing. In matter of sex behaviors there would be nothing more wrong than to talk about norms. Which of course doesn’t forbid reflecting on it: The different levels of needs, the way sex… Read more »
François, You know I agree with you in these matters, generally speaking. And I agree that two genuine givers is truly ideal. You also know I have my own set of cultural comparisons – having lived and loved in France, and dating (both before and after marriage) on two continents. But I will say that I’ve known men who don’t fit the Crystal quote. They want an intimate connection (especially as they mature), and it’s part of how they’re wired. Likewise, I’ve known women who are happy with anytime, anywhere. You may tell me these are exceptions; I will tell… Read more »
When you forget what it feels like to be alone and your penis/vagina hurts 😛
well, I have wrestled too with this, to the tune of his hit (pver 12K views) article. I think this question is not about sex. it’s about intimacy…can we find intimacy w/0 sex? http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/11/libido-challenged-try-a-daily-dose-of-sex-lori-ann-lothian/
Excellent point, Lori Ann. But sometimes, we want great sex – and not intimacy. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong in that.
I really enjoy your writing.How much sex is too much? LOL The more the merrier and try to live by that as you get older… As we get to perimenopause and menopause stages, it takes a toll on our estrogen and testosterone levels and hence impacts our desire to have sex (dryness, possible weight gain, self confidence issues). Meanwhile great sex is one of the best and cheapest prescriptions to feeling better about yourself and getting a great endorphin rush. I’ll be reading your part two piece on how much sex is just right!
Great, thoughtful blog. You nailed it (pun intended) with your perceptions about this complex relationship issue. I agree with you . . . it’s not about how much sex in general, it’s about how much for us and our partner, considering where we are in life. There is not a static answer to such a dynamic relationship issue. I’ll be sharing this . . . . thank you!
It seems to me that a lot of people prefer to maintain their egos intact rather than have sex…
Didn’t know they were mutually exclusive, Olive… Not sure I understand your meaning.
I’m sure that sometimes you can work out differences in sex drive by talking… I agree that one or both parties can make an effort to find a happy space mostly in cases when the gap is not too wide . The more I read about this topic, the more I’m convinced that the talk about sex drive has to take place prior to marriage and not after… I’m sure that a lot of people feel they can overcome desire with love, but this path can be extremely painful for both parties. In the case of the party with the… Read more »
@Olive…
This great, sound, and terrific advice.
Unfortunately, many of us (myself included) just assumed all would be well with sex in marriage. It was a given I thought. Oh how so wrong was I.
Hence, I agree with you, “the more I’m convinced that the talk about sex drive has to take place prior to marriage and not after…”
Great comment!
I’m curious, @Julia Byrd. Were you to marry a second time (I’m going to guess that you’re married now), would you take longer and pay more attention to exploring this area before considering marriage?
What is the basis for the assumption that it will “all be okay?”
Is it ingrained in the remnants of Puritanical culture that say to marry at a certain age/stage, and a woman of lesser experience?
@D.A. Wolf… No, I am not married. I really have no desire for round 2. I threw in the towel after round 1! However, I am now wiser to the needs of women with respect to sex. I would make intimacy, passion, and eroticism a priority. I have learned since marriage that it is important to openly and honestly discuss sex and a woman’s sexual likes and dislikes before hand. No assuming anything. I think it is BEST to marry after age 30. For me I much prefer to be with a woman that has been with only a few… Read more »
It sounds like you picked up a few (vital) life lessons, @Julia Byrd. On the other side of marriage, I would agree.
@Olive, you raise a whole other set of issues… and cultural conventions. Being constantly rejected is terrible, I agree. And it isn’t always the man, is it. (One more assumption our Puritanical society likes to make.) I also agree that figuring out if you have like libidos before marriage makes a whole lot of sense. Unfortunately, American culture still seems to like its women married, which often presses us, the older we get, to marry whomever is there – and yes, we may love him, but we also may set aside some fundamental needs in the process, either knowingly or… Read more »
«You raise a whole other set of issues… and cultural conventions.» Let me get at this in stages: First, the slut shaming… Young men are left free to roam in sexland, but not so young women. Young women need to understand the pleasure in sex, without experiencing shame. The problem is that for women, sex drive is a mental process that requires a lot more self-exploration plus the dedicated attention of a roster of lovers, so that she can understand what she feels and needs. I reckon that waiting to do this after marriage is a dangerous strategy. Then, men… Read more »
@Olive – I agree with you – straight down the line. Except on a few details, for example, that talk can’t help. Many people don’t feel comfortable talking about sex or sexuality. It requires more trust to talk about it – and what you want – than it does to “do it.” Talking can open up new possibilities to try. I’m not saying it’s easy (or always the answer), but isn’t that part of what happens when we change partners? We find ourselves with someone who touches in just the right way, who is playful in ways we adore, or… Read more »
I’m not saying that talking things openly doesn’t help, or that things can’t be cranked up… What I’m saying is that this can only work when the gap in libido is manageable. Unfortunately, and this is my own perception, I feel that similar libidos is not the norm that most people think it is. Besides, and you’d be surprised of how many people don’t tell their partners what they want to avoid the risk of hurting them… For instance, would you tell your partner that your most erotic fantasy is to have sex with four different men while he watches?… Read more »
@Olive, Agreed. On all points.
You seriously agree with the notion that women need a steady ‘roster’ of lovers in order to find themselves? And you expect men to take you seriously?
Either this person is a Poe (seriously, they did everything they could to write a statement embodying the manosphere’s criticisms of women. All that’s missing is the word ‘carousel’) or I’m going to have to start taking Dalrock and Rollo a lot more seriously…
@Olive, I agree with most of what you said, especially the part about infidelity. Whenever friends have asked me about this, I always tell them, “Most people are very good at being committed, and at being monogamous… however, very few are good at being both over a long period of time.” However, I disagree with you 100% on the slut-shaming thing. As a rule, slut-shamers are men who’d be willing to trade a little bit of sexual excitement for the (implied) promise of having a more faithful and dutiful wife. For them, having a great sex life would be awesome,… Read more »
Having a “virginal” wife hasn’t been wiped off the table as an option. There are still plenty of women with religious beliefs who want to save sex for marriage. There are also plenty of young women who are not part of hookup culture. But you won’t find them in clubs or bars, probably. They are probably studying, working, and engaged in community activities or doing things with their family. They are the women who often get overlooked by men.
I never said there weren’t women getting married as virgins today. In fact, my current gf was a virgin when she got married (she’s very recently divorced). But there are likely far less women getting married as virgins today than a generation or two ago. But what slut-shamers lament is that our society no longer encourages women to stay virgins until marriage, to the point where it’s vanishingly difficult for the average guy to live out the “traditional” American dream of meeting a girl who’s a virgin at marriage, and building a large family and housing them comfortably, with the… Read more »
Well shoot, when I was young, I was a quiet geeky girl who hardly even dated and didn’t want to have sex and I was IGNORED by every guy I met. But maybe I was just ugly.
Anyhow, are there hoards of young men out there looking for traditional girls to marry and have big families? Seriously? Where are these men? I’ve never met them.
Not me, I want an equal woman and when we have kids we’ll sort out who’s looking after the kids. Not a big family though, 2 kids would be enough, but I’ll settle for robots. 😀
@ DD
Slut shaming is mostly about maintaining a social power structure… In general, this is something that high-rank females.usually enforce in the community. There are some cultures though, where men engage in the practice, but they are pretty extreme like the Taliban in Afghanistan or Orthodox Jews in Israel.
As for the correlation between the degree of promiscuity and lack of character in a woman, do you mind telling me where I can find it? I don’t recall ever reading a study of that nature.
@Olive… “Slut shaming is mostly about maintaining a social power structure.” I disagree. Why cant people have standards about the women they want to have sex with? Personally, desiring a woman with low numbers of sex partners has everything to do with being with a woman who has not already “been there done that.” It does make a difference in my opinion of how many sex partners a woman has been with and the sex in marriage. I have a very low number and did so before marriage. My ex had a higher number. It created problem. She had already… Read more »
@Olive,
I agree with you that from a female perspective, slut-shaming is something done by women to enforce a social power structure. An abundance of attractive, sexually promiscuous females can easily drive down the mating value of even their less promiscuous peers. As a man, it
Re-post. For some reason my earlier comment got cut off… I agree with you that from a female perspective, slut-shaming is something done by women to enforce a social power structure. An abundance of attractive, sexually promiscuous females can easily drive down the mating value of even their less promiscuous peers. As a man, it’s hard to justify pouring dozens of hours of your time and [x] amount of your money into courting a girl when you know a half-dozen or more girls who’d have sex with you for next to nothing. That part I get. However, at least in… Read more »
DD, that study refers to adolescents of both genders. I don’t think you could extend the results to just females of all ages.
I’m sure teenagers experiment a lot and aren’t always aware of how their actions affect other people… Their brains are still developing, and I wouldn’t stick mistakes they make for the rest of their lives.
I’m not so sure that talking about sex drives before marriage will give you any meaningful indication of how things will be after marriage. Long-term exposure to the same partner and the promise of commitment (and later childbirth) induce biological changes in both men and women, that dramatically impact their libido. This topic has been explored in great detail in David Buss’s The Evolotion of Desire and Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity. As a man, the only thing you should assume about your wife’s sex drive is that after marriage it will likely go down. Yours will too, but hers… Read more »
And even that’s no guarantee!
… and how much sex is too little, when the amount your wife desires becomes none …
And this, Ned, is exactly the reason we should we be discussing the subject… When your wife’s desire takes a dive, there are reasons. Personally, I think affection and sex (I believe in both) are marital glue. Not the only glue, but essential. Will she talk about it?
She says she doesn’t understand herself, but the “what part of no don’t you understand” is strongly stated with attitude.
“What part of No don’t you understand” is a great way to shut down the conversation. That isn’t talking; that’s refusing to talk. Are there babies or little kids in the picture? Is she / are you under 40 or over? How long have you been married? Do you know when it changed? I’m not a sexologist or anythingologist, but at times, depending on how you were raised, it’s very difficult to talk about what the real problem(s) is/are. Talk may not solve them, but not knowing what the issues are will surely worsen things. I might add, as simplistic… Read more »
There’s always self=gratification if you don’t want to go to commercial providers.
I suggest telling her “Dear, I intend to have X orgasms per week. How many of them you want to be involved in is up to you.”
Love this. I’ve never had a problem getting sex within the context of a relationship; if anything it’s the girlfriend who usually complains. But I’m stealing this anyway.
” But I will say this clearly. Whatever I may be comfortable with, if the man in my life wants and needs more sex, I’d be a damn fool not to pay attention, and not to be loving. Likewise, if I’m not getting what I need, I’d be crazy to look the other way and pretend it doesn’t matter when in fact, it does.” This is the kind of wisdom that comes w/ age. I absolutely agree, sex is a circular thing-we give to get…we think about it and want to engage. I could never see quantifying sex…my needs and… Read more »
As you say, Walker, it changes. For some of us, for the better. Then again, how much depends on our partner(s)?
“Whatever I may be comfortable with, if the man in my life wants and needs more sex, I’d be a damn fool not to pay attention, and not to be loving.”
Well said. The notion that married people should simply “take what they can get,” i.e., adjust to whatever level the less-amorous partner prefers, is a poisonous one.
A saying I once heard: “Marriage used to be considered the beginning of your sex life; now it is understood to be the end of it.” Don’t let that cliche become YOUR marriage.
I agree, @Copyleft. It sometimes it’s the woman who wants more… It’s damaging all the same.
I agree, experience is now saying it all. Liked the contribution so much.
Whenever something starts getting irritated for no other reason than friction, that may (note I said MAY) be an indication of too much sex. It could also indicate a lack of lube. YMMV.