After several miscarriages, they found peace and a way to move forward.
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Have you ever experienced deep loss in your life? A loved one dies and you are set adrift in an ocean of your thoughts. You search for a memory—some meaning—or anything you can to bring you back to shore. I almost kept floating. For too long, in fact, I was stuck on that raft not able to paddle or even consider that I had options.
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Unfortunately, no one ever tells you about the bad parts of starting a family.
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Five years ago, my wife and I decided we wanted to finally cross a milestone in life by starting a family. It was a big decision. We felt fortunate to be pregnant after only a few short months. We were excited of the prospect of our family and immediately our minds raced with questions like:
- What name should we pick?
- Will it be a boy or a girl?
- Will we be good parents?
- Can we really even do this?
Unfortunately, no one ever tells you about the bad parts of starting a family. We had a miscarriage before we ever made it to our eight-week appointment. It hurt harder than anything I’ve ever felt. We tried again, and after another few months, we experienced the same thing once more. At this point, we didn’t know if this was a sign that we shouldn’t be parents, or if we should just, “keep trying” as everyone told us.
This forced our entire lives to revolve around the effort to start a family. It was as if we were completely on hold in life until this occurred. Finally, after another year passed by we got pregnant again. We knew this would be the time. We were nearing the all-clear mark (the first trimester) and Christmas was here. We decided that we would take the opportunity to tell our families at Christmas Eve Dinner. They were elated with the news and we were on cloud nine.
The next week we went in to the doctor to get an ultrasound to determine our final due date. The ultrasound technician seemed calm until about halfway through the visit. She was moving the ultrasound probe all over the place and sighing heavily. Finally, she turned to us and said that there was no heartbeat. It seemed the baby was a week smaller than it should be. Our hearts sank and we cried the saddest tears in our life while holding each other.
A man’s natural instinct is to protect his loved ones and so I did. I tried to do whatever I could over the next few months to comfort, console, and be there for my wife. All the while, I was ignoring my own feelings. I was full of confusion, resentment, anger, fear, and deep sorrow, but I kept it in. This only worked to limit my ability to dream. I am normally an idealistic and creative person, but I felt myself just going through the motions of life.
For the next few months, I was a ghost of my former self. I forced myself to laugh at people’s jokes, tried to distract myself with TV, and I watched the rest of the world have babies with ease. Everyone around us was pregnant or having their first child. Every TV show talked about pregnancy or decorated a damn babies room. My wife and I found ourselves struggling to NOT see pregnant people everywhere.
Something inside me snapped. I clearly remember breaking down in my car in the parking lot of Starbucks. I screamed at the top of my lungs at the universe for being so cruel. We had done everything right. We had a stable home, good jobs, and had waited until we were emotionally and financially ready.
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That day I started writing in a journal about the pain I was feeling inside. As I let it out, I realized that I couldn’t let this define me. I realized that life is short. I knew that if I was lucky enough to have a child, I wanted him to be proud of what I had done with my life. That was when I decided to focus on others. I created my first Meetup group in Boston on Internet Marketing, something I had done for the past 13 years. It grew rapidly to over 1200 people. I found my calling teaching and educating others. I also realized that It was time to start achieving something I had always put too far in the future, starting my own business.
I set out on a course to create my personal brand using blogging and social media. I educated people for free and wrote for some major publications. It even landed me a gig teaching online marketing at one of the most prestigious colleges in the world, Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).
We still continued to struggle starting a family, but I had finally found purpose. I was helping others, and it in turn helped me AND my wife. We began to start experiencing life again by taking trips to Paris, California, and Hawaii. Our thought was that we should do the things we won’t be able to do when we start a family. This helped ease our minds and bring us happiness again.
After three long years of heartache, my wife and I finally had our son Samuel in spring of 2013.
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Meanwhile, I felt invigorated in my entrepreneurial journey and stated a software company with my best friend. Our product was, and still is, a membership site platform called IfSimply.com. The goal of this site was to give people the tools to monetize their passion and knowledge, something I had been doing for clients for some time. I had been frustrated with the tools that existed being so complicated and decided it was time that good people with good information could make a living. Up to this point, you needed a lot of technical and marketing knowledge to create a digital product or membership site.
This goal of empowering others with our platform kept me going. Each time someone complimented me on the product or sent a heartfelt thank you, it drove me to focus on what I could give instead of what I didn’t have. By helping others achieve their goals, it helped me achieve mine.
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After three long years of heartache, my wife and I finally had our son Samuel in spring of 2013. He is my pride and joy. He drives me to go further and push harder. He makes me always try harder to help. I want people to say to him that his father was a good man who was not defined by money, but by making a difference. I want him to know that he can achieve great things as long as he provides value, service, and appreciation for others.
Here are three things I learned that can help you regain your vigor after loss, and build a business of your dreams:
- Focus on others using the gifts that only you bring to this world. If you are good with excel, find people who are struggling with it. If you love marketing, create a YouTube channel or podcast, and share your tips with those in need.
- Offer to share your advice in person first. I think starting my Meetup was the best thing for me. It forced me to get out and physically meet people and learn about them. Being social is so important to overcome your loss and to understand your customers. You can achieve the same result by joining a Facebook group and then setting up video chat with specific people who you think you can help further or that you would like to ask for advice.
- Create an outlet for your newfound creativity. A blog, podcast, or YouTube channel is a great way to create content for your audience and also grow personally over time. It has the same effect as a journal, but instead, it gives you the added benefit of focusing your attention on the future and not the past.
How have you dealt with difficult circumstances?
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Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
Sorry to hear you had those issues James. It is tough on the family. Hey preacher kind words. This was sort of my kryptonite as you write in your books. Perhaps if I had your book it may have helped me at the time.
Great article, Keith! My wife and I experienced something similar with our second child, and it was heartbreaking. I still remember the stretch of road I was driving when the emotion suddenly burst forth.
I know you’re a better person and a better father for all you’ve been through. Thanks for sharing!