It’s hard to move past the loss of the one you love, but if life is short should we not try to seek out as much happiness and joy as possible?
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All of us at some point in life lose someone. We get divorced, we break up and sometimes we lose our loved one in a more tragic way- to death. We are lost. So the question we as men (and as a society) we have to ask is when is the right time to start dating?
About five months after my wife passed away I made very specific decisions about why I was ready to start dating. So I really want you to look into your heart and determine how soon and when you would like to think about reengaging in a romantic relationship. I do not believe that people are meant to live alone—ever.
It is not disloyal to seek the companionship of another person after your loved one has passed away, or you have lost someone to divorce.
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I do believe that many widows and widowers have a very strong belief that if they begin dating, it is a sign of disrespect to the one that they lost. Please reconsider this thought process because it is so wrong and so damaging to you on a personal and emotional level. Your soul is screaming for love. It is not disloyal to seek the companionship of another person after your loved one has passed away, or you have lost someone to divorce. They are after all gone. There is no more “we” just “I”.
Everyone that I have talked to believes that the loved one who has departed would want you to be happy. I believe that the loved one who has departed would not want you to be lonely and sad. In my conversations with widows and widowers they often say to me, “I just can’t imagine being with someone else” or “I can’t imagine holding someone else’s hand or going out on a date with someone else—it just seems weird and awkward and wrong.” I will say to you that it certainly does at first feel weird. It does in the beginning feel awkward. But it is not wrong. You are single—morally, socially, and legally single. When you date for a little while the nature of your humanity takes over and it feels OK to be holding someone else’s hand—and then it feels more than OK—it feels great!
I’m going to be blunt—it absolutely sucks to come home to an empty household. It hurts to lie in an lonely empty bed at night. It is an hollow feeling to go on a business trip and know that you have no one to call to tell them that you arrived safely. It is a terrible feeling to know that you no longer have a loved one to be concerned about you. So my question to you is why you would want to continue to maintain a lonely lifestyle when there are people out there in the world who could bring you great joy and happiness?
I’m going to be blunt—it absolutely sucks to come home to an empty household..
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Look—life is short, we both know that. And if life is short, should we not try to seek out as much happiness and joy as possible? I can’t tell you what is right for you. I just want you to consider the possibility that you can love again. If you do fall in love again, it does not mean that you did not love the person you were in love with originally.
I believe that you could have enough room in your life to love two people, or maybe even three people. Is love in such short supply, or is love unlimited? I believe that love is unlimited, and I could have loved one woman (or man) and also end up loving another later in my life. The love of each one does not nullify the love of the other. Get out there in the world and love and reconnect. You will find it just like I did. I married an amazing woman named Rachael in February this year.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
The last three years have been filled with grief and love. I lost my wife if 29 years to ovarian cancer 3 years ago. Then I met another woman that I dated. We decided to get married after 2 years of dating. Then tragedy struck again. She progressively got sick and I had to care for her 24/7 for 6 months before she passed from ALS.
Then her family erased me at the memorial service. I loved her unconditionally but her family was horrible.
I enjoyed your article. I was married to my wife for 40 years, 20 of them were difficult due to health issues, and her health issue of diabetes is what took her life. Now, there is an interesting caveat to our relationship. Prior to our meeting, falling in love and getting married, I was literally forced to deny myself because of where I grew up and the years I grew up. You see, I’m gay. I had known since I was six. My mother discovered I was gay, by reading my personal journals, then burning them. She also damn near… Read more »
I’m sorry you feel the way you do. No one should have to carry around issues like that. Glad to hear you found someone, but the living situation does not sound like it is serving you very well. So it sounds like you have some tough choices to make. Take your time and get some counseling to help you navigate the options.
Enjoyed reading your article as I surf through the Internet. The following sentence rang true to me: It is an hollow feeling to go on a business trip and know that you have no one to call to tell them that you arrived safely. Lost my wife of 38 years this summer and that specific item was the first thing that really hit me after her death and my return to work.
Found your article while helping someone do research for their own blog and when is the right time to start dating again.
Recently widowed myself, you brought me to tears confirming how I feel. Another friend who lost her husband two weeks before me swears that she will never date another man. I feel sorry for her. I think she is missing out on sharing the rest of her life with someone and the happiness that that brings.
I don’t know when I will start dating again, but I open to the what the future may bring.
Shawyn, Thankyou so much for this article.I recently lost my spouse of fourteen years to lung cancer.My grief has been overwhelming but the lonliness brings hopelessness and makes the grief worse. I asked myself how long do I have to suffer?Why is there an unspoken time period?Could another person care about me when I am still grieving?The answer for me has been a resounding YES. The right person has come into my life and we are both are helping each other grieve and heal and comfort and help each other realize that we are allowed to be happy and to… Read more »
I think you are exaggerating the loneliness of not being in a relationship.
You can surround yourself with people who are concerned about you, your safety and wellbeing, just as you are for them, without (neccessarily) having to date one of them.
I have to disagree, it is not exaggerated… the people you surround yourself with can not fill the hole left by losing a loved spouse… going home and having no one to share your day with, that is invested in you and you in them is the loneliest feeling ever. Friend/Family are great, but they move on with their life quickly and the contact is farther and fewer times between… even if it’s daily, it’s not the same as a partner that is constant. I agree, Life is too short, you don’t have to go hunt just anyone down, but… Read more »
If it hurts to date someone else, it’s probably too soon. If you are still thinking about your ex more than the new person you are dating, it’s probably too soon. The thing that drove me nuts about the time between getting separated from my ex-wife to when I started seeing other people were the arbitrary timelines that people threw out there based on either nothing or the length of our marriage. To me, the ability to move on is unique to each person and their situation. When you are ready to date, it will feel right in most cases.… Read more »