“The Good Men Project at its heart…is stories that change the teller and change the listener.” Inside the conversation at The Good Men Project.
—-
Publisher’s note: Every Friday, we hold an hour-long conference call for any ongoing contributors to The Good Men Project. On each call, we talk about different aspects of the changing roles of men in the 21st century. These posts are a glimpse into what is said on the calls. More posts about the calls and the conversations in the FB Writers group can be found here. If you would like to join in the calls, please consider becoming a contributor [click here] or a Premium Member [click here].
—
Lisa Hickey: I know I’ve mentioned on these calls before that we are having The Good Men Project’s first storytelling event. It’s going to be this coming Thursday—less than a week away—-and last night we did a run through and a rehearsal of the entire thing.
And I always knew the Event itself would be amazing. There are 6 of us telling stories, and for this first event it is all GMP Editors or long-time contributors. And I’ve read their stories on GMP, and I’ve seen most of them perform, so I felt pretty comfortable in the performers themselves would be great.
And the club itself is a small room off a bar with a Cabaret-like atmosphere. A purple curtain behind the staging area, and old stone walls and lots of cozy seats and it is often used for pre-Broadway bound events. Food and drink will be served. There will be a live piano player there, to play music between each stories. It’s the auditory of taking a bite of bread and water between wine tastings— a cleansing of the palate for your ears. Even if there were no stories—the atmosphere and just having a large group of people who support GMP would be amazing.
And we had a rehearsal last night—and the rehearsal was in a tiny room with white walls and no sound system, no atmosphere, no crowds. And each performer stood up in front of the room and told their story. And it was amazing.
Each story that told at that rehearsal was a perfect little gem of a story. They all related to the theme of the night which is “Finding My Voice.” And they all related to the larger themes of Good Men Project itself, of course—stories about men, by men, or stories about the issues of men and the way the 21st century is changing faster than we can keep up.
But most importantly, they were stories. Stories that were riveting and captivating and engaging and intensely personal. And stories that took courage to tell.
And they all did this one thing which his what I want to talk about on today’s call. They were stories that changed the teller and changed the listener.
And that change is the crux of what we do at Good Men Project. And when we really do it really well—-when we are really on top of our game—-the stories we tell at Good Men Project are ones that change the teller and change the listener.
And I’d like to talk a little about that — about how storytelling can change the world for the better in unexpected ways. How storytelling helps social justice activists do their work. How storytelling topples steretypes. And how storytelling changes the teller, changes the listener, and ultimately changes the world.
Stories of dads. — When I first launched The Good Men Project website, it was 2 weeks before Father’s Day in 2010. And we ran a post for Father’s day that was titled: “My Dad in Two Words.” And I was somehow thinking we would get some Hallmarky descriptions, like “my hero” but when the descriptions came in I was aghast— the two word descriptions that comes to mind was “abusive alcoholic” or “never there” or “raging machine”— but some were much worse than that. And the actual stories we got about dads supported those two word snippets—there were stories that were horrific. And hearing those stories, and understanding the extent to which men had been traumatized in childhood, did, in fact, change me.
And so—one of the best things we did was decide just to tell stories of ordinary dads in the changing world today. Dads today who were NOT their fathers.
And those stories—the good stories, the stories of day to day life, of dealing with children and their complexities, of dads who were figuring out the best way to act in love to their children — those changed me too. Because — over time, those stories replaced the stories of trauma. Those stories replaces the stories of absent fathers. Those stories replaced the stories of men raising children who were emotionally cold, and distant. The stories of engaged, loving, compassionate dads became the new norm. The symbol of today’s masculinity. And it’s good.
Stories of race. —- GMP was maybe a year or so old when we made a conscious decision to tell more stories about race. And we started reaching out to people. One of them, Steve Locke, was a black man who said, no, I’m not going to talk about race. And Steve wrote an email to our founder, Tom Matlack, explaining why he, as a man of color, didn’t want to talk about race. And it was brilliant and mind opening and expansive.
Around the same time, I met a writer named Jackie Summers. And Jackie was brought because he was a great storyteller, and he wrote about sex & relationships and he also happened to be a person of color.
And so we asked him to write about race. And he asked me how many writers of color we had here at Good Men Project. And I to say at that time…just two. And in the post he wrote about race, he called me out on it. As he should have.
I’ve learned more about race from Jackie than almost anyone else I know. I learned from his stories he wrote, the stories he told so beautifully. Here and here and here and here. And yes, we have grown in the diversity of our writer’s since then.
Stories of people of genders or sexualities that in the past were seen as “outside the norm”. – On the day we launched, we had the story of a transgender person who was telling his experience of how his life changed when he went from a woman to a man. And I’ll never forget, as part of that series, he told a story of how, after becoming a man, people would automatically fall into the same gender stereotypes—He’d be working in his office and be called in to help lift some boxes for example. The title of one of his posts was “Sir, can you help me with this?” And we’ve run stories of people who were bullied as kids for being gay—-and stories of people who were the bulliers, or who saw the bullying go on but did nothing to stop it.
In the beginning, especially, GMP was criticized for being “too gay”. And I thought about that criticism and I looked at our editorial strategy, and in the end, we continued to tell stories of gay people. And trans people. And people who are not seen as status quo because of their gender or sexuality. And having those stories in the middle of all the stories of changed me too.
Because I now realize there is no norm.
There are many other stories, of course, that create change— stories of male survivors of sexual abuse, who until recently, were most often not believed and who remained invisible. Stories of soldiers, who go off to war, who change me as a pacifist. Stories of men who are incarcerated. Stories of men who are suffering from depression and mental illness. All are stories that take courage to tell. All are stories that create change.
I’d like to open it up for discussion.
♦◊♦
Jed Diamond: One of the things I appreciate about The Good Men Projeject is learning abou the worlds I was not aware of. I appreciate learning things about myself that I didn’t know. In 1983, my first book was turned down by multiple publishers who said it was too personal. And I love that here I can combine my knowledge with what is personal. I love what we do with stories.
Mark Sherman: Stories are great. But one of the problems I have in terms of life and stories—-if you life your life well, and try to do what is right—it’s really pretty boring. I spend unbelievable amounts of time trying not to say the wrong thing. I’ve wanted to say things like “screw you” many a time and I always try to refrain myself. My life is really pretty good. It’s the opposite of a soap opera, whose definition is “Oh man, my life is a mess”. If you tried to create a soap opera of my last 10 years—no one would watch it.
Ashley Michelle Fowler: Mark Sherman, you’re a good part of the reason I sown up here week after week. Good stories do not need to be highly dramatic.
Tammi Banno: I love the focus on storytelling. Everyone loves a story because there’s always the hope for something better. There’s a message in everyone’s mess.
Kozo Hattori: “The true Prophets of God dare to be normal.” And Mark Sherman, I’m sure if we talk to your grandchildren they won’t say you are boring. But the thing I want to say about stories—they doesn’t just change the teller and listener but changes the space between them. It changes the relationship. After hearing the stories on these calls—it changes the community. When I enter the space now on these calls, it is different than it used to be. It is transformative.
Jed Diamond: Mark, you and I are the elders of this gathering. And part of the ease comes from getting past the drama in our lives. The young people can learn—what a great gift we can give, to learn what we’ve been through.
Mark Sherman: I’ll add that as life progresses, it gets easier to do things right. I’m a guy from the 60’s and 70’s, and life was pretty wild. Sometimes there’s a reluctance to tell those stories.
Vince Isner: As a photographer, I recognize the power of a still image. A story I wrote recently was about a walk with Mr. Rogers. He saw a pacifier on the sidewalk, and picked it up, an on the outside—nothing could have looked more boring. But there are things you get from stories that you just can’t get from facts and statistics. When the narrative is great, I just want to drink from it.
Patty Beach: My son was a typical shut down teenager. No one would have guessed he was gay. And after he came out, he just blossomed, and became more social, more animated. I asked him about it and he said it was because he no longer had to worry about being himself. And when he first came out, I felt that as a mom, I didn’t know how to parent a gay boy. And someone said to me, “Yes you do—you’ve been doing it since your son was born.”
Lisa Hickey: I want to jump back to something Mark Sherman said—this may be a little provocative. Mark was talking about people’s lives, and he said, “if you live your life well and try to do what is right—it’s really pretty boring.” And I want to suggest that that statement is coming from a position of privilege. People who are marginalized want nothing more than for their lives to be boring and normal.
Mark Sherman: I’m uncomfortable because I can’t argue with you Lisa. That’s a tough one. But I will say that if you are constantly in comfortable situations that you aren’t learning. So I’m thankful to be learning.
Steve Harper: Thank you for bringing up that aspect of privilege. I’m a black gay man, and I’m always in acting classes where they have you do a scene. And I would get a role, and look at the scene, and look at my classmates. And I would always have to think “How can I fit into the scene as a black men? Where do I fit into this story?” And I found that having to ask myself that over and over was intensely traumatic. And even when I sing—so often I’ve been told that I don’t sound like a black man. It’s incredibly complicated. And though I wouldn’t invite those challenges in, I’m grateful for the challenges that have helped make me who I am.
Ashley Michelle Fowler: I first want to thank Mark Sherman for role modeling what good learning looks like. Also, what I like about The Good Men Project is nuancing stories that already exist. You take individual stories and add depth and nuance to them. For example, Randy Moss—I had always seen him as simply and awful human, and now I see his story as more complex and nuanced than I had originally thought.
Jed Diamond: I relate to that concept of privilege. I’m a straight white Jewish guy with all those projections. And my wife and I had decided to have a child and then adopt a child, so we adopted a little black girl 36 years ago. Her perspective on life and now my grandson’s stories have changed me. We’re part of the same family, and both my son and daughter were raised in the same family but their lives are very different. My son is white, my grandson black, and their stories are completely different. There the stories we share with the people we love we expand the breadth of the life we live.
Patty Beach: Also, when they tell their story, you understand your own story better. As more gay people come out, more people get to tell their story. I think homophobia is a great part of what holds the man box in place. And as stories of people who are gay and come out and they can be who they are—it allows all of us to be who we are.
Thaddeus Howze: I’m a writer, a writer of science fiction and fantasy, and I believe the power of the story is incredible. It can alter the fabric of people’s lives. And we have to remember the power of stories to alter them for the worse as well as for the better. The man-box is one of those stories. The man-box takes power away from individuals and gives it to a system. A powerful system. And sometimes that system is shaped to benefit people who don’t tell their stories. And finally, I see that happen with technology—where people stop hanging out on street corners and telling their stories. We are connected but not connected.
Mike Patrick: I know what you are saying about technology Thaddeus, but GMP would not have happened 10 years ago if we did not have the technology we have now. People from all over the world can be reading this and we may have affected them in ways we will never know.
—
Photo: Army Photography Contest / flickr
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men? Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.