Bullying and murder are bad enough, but the meta risk factors of the Man Box can kill our sons decades in the future.
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We are confronting an epidemic of violent bullying. And the only explanation we can seem to come up with is that some boys are different and need to be protected from bullying. It is suggested that some boys don’t fit in. Fit in to what, exactly?
As America’s rich and diverse population of boys are driven down the cattle chute of the Man Box, millions of our sons will always be found wanting. They will be bullied, abused and even murdered for being nothing more than supremely human. |
What we need to be saying instead is that all boys are vastly diverse and wonderfully different. Because they are. But in America, our sons are pressured and bullied to conform to the rules of traditional American manhood. We refer to this constant pressure to conform as “living in the Man Box”.
As America’s rich and diverse population of boys are driven down the cattle chute of the Man Box, millions of our sons will always be found wanting. They will be bullied, abused and even murdered for being nothing more than supremely human.
The victims are easy enough to spot. Some of these boys are too awkward, or too skinny. Some are too small. Some are too emotionally raw, or too nervous. Some may be gay or trans. Some are simply too silly or too playful, too unschooled in the postures and poses of toughness.
Damned If You Don’t
The rules of traditional American manhood enforced by the Man Box are as follows:
- Real men do not express their emotions, except for anger.
- Real men are financial providers not care givers
- Real men are heterosexual and dominant in and out of the bedroom
- Real men are leaders and have the final word in any discussion
- Real men are never unemployed
- Real men are always confident
- Real men play sports and talk about sports as their primary mode of interaction
The Man Box says, “Be a ‘real man’ or pay the price.” But this test is rigged. As a system of enforced conformity, the Man Box requires a victim population to bully and abuse; a population that can stand as a warning of what happens if you don’t conform. And so, boys are forced to make the choice, either conform or face the threat of expulsion and relentless abuse. Except for those who never get the choice at all.
The Damage Done
As part of the process for conforming, boys who once had vibrant male friendships in early adolescence begin to shut out those vitally important friendships as they enter late adolescence. Why? They fall prey to our culture’s messages about how to be a real man.
Niobe Way, Professor of Applied Psychology at New York University, and author of Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, writes:
Boys know by late adolescence that their close male friendships, and even their emotional acuity, put them at risk of being labeled “girly,” “immature,” or “gay.” Thus, rather than focusing on who they are, they become obsessed with who they are not — they are not girls, little boys nor, in the case of heterosexual boys, are they gay.
Boys begin the insidious process of shutting down their emotional needs and turning away from friendships as a source of life affirming and sustaining connection. They are herded toward the emotional isolation of the Man Box with the promise of belonging. But belonging to what?
Damned If You Do
For millions of our boys, this test is rigged. As a system of enforced conformity, the Man Box requires a victim population to bully and abuse. |
And here’s the double bind. The bullying inside the Man Box is just as ferocious as it is outside. We need look no further than the brutal initiation rituals of fraternities to see examples of this. A central expectation of the Man Box is that our sons will not only administer but also absorb punishing abuse as part of proving they are real men.
And here’s the other way the game is rigged. Men in America can never finish proving they are “real men”. They are never allowed to completely and finally pass the test. They have to keep proving their manhood over and over again, forever.
According to the National Collaborative for Hazing Research and Prevention at the University of Maine, hazing is defined as “any activity expected of someone joining or participating in a group that humiliates, degrades, abuses or endangers them, regardless of a person’s willingness to participate.
How bad can it get? Here’s one example among hundreds of hazing related deaths. In 1994, a student as Southeast Missouri State University died after being brutally beaten as part of a hazing ritual. He was unconscious when he was driven home and put to bed. He had broken ribs, a lacerated kidney, a lacerated liver, and bruises all over his chest, neck, back and arms. He died from bleeding in his brain.
A list of hundreds of hazing deaths can be seen here.
Death by Solitary Confinement
But there is a larger hidden epidemic here, one that claims millions of lives. Keep your eye on rule number one, “don’t express emotions.” It is by far the most insidious killer.
In the world of traditional masculinity, we Americans hold emotional connection as a feminine trait. We reject it in our sons, demanding that they “man up” and adopt a strict regimen of emotional toughness, even isolation, as proof they are real men. Behind the drumbeat message that real men do not show their emotions, is the brutal fist of the homophobic bully, ready to crush any boy who might show too much of the wrong kind of emotions.
Accordingly, at an early age, boys make the very logical decision to suppress their emotions. They never develop their gift for emotional fluency, the powerful ability to navigate and express emotions.
Emotional fluency is a learned skill based on years of practice in communicating our own feelings and acknowledging/engaging the feelings of others. It is a competency that is learned in our homes, and in our communities, through the tens of thousands of small conversations that make up a boy’s life. In daily interactions, we parents have the opportunity to model for our sons emotional expression, courage, compassion and curiosity. We can create a counter message to the Man Box. A message which says, “‘Emotional expression and empathy are powerful strengths. Learn to use them.”
Emotional expression and empathy give rise the social connections we need to heal and create resiliency in our lives and the lives of those we love. |
Without emotional fluency, we can not create the social connections we need to heal and create resiliency in our lives. If we as parents don’t teach our sons to connect emotionally, the poisonous culture of the Man Box will teach them to suppress and deny their emotions.
Men who do not connect emotionally, find it more difficult to form lasting friendships, typically relying on their wives or workplaces to provide social connections. When they divorce or leave their workplaces, those relationships falter, being more circumstantial than emotionally resonant. The results? Widespread chronic loneliness for men as they enter middle age.
Want proof of how widespread this is?
The Numbers
In 2010 the American Association of Retired Persons conducted a survey in which revealed that 1 in 3 adults over the age of 45 are chronically lonely. That is 44 million people. And this number is growing at a dramatic pace, up from 1 in 5 just ten years before.
Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking. |
And here’s where the dying comes in.
The New Republic published an article titled, “The Lethality of Loneliness.” Here is a quote from that article:
Emotional isolation is ranked as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking. diseases thought to be caused by or exacerbated by loneliness would include Alzheimer’s, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, neurodegenerative diseases, and even cancer—tumors can metastasize faster in lonely people.
In a meta review conducted in 2013, researchers reviewed 148 studies involving over 308,000 participants. The study titled Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review concluded:
The quality and quantity of individuals’ social relationships has been linked not only to mental health but also to both morbidity and mortality…indicating a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships.
These findings indicate that the influence of social relationships on the risk of death are comparable with well-established risk factors for mortality such as smoking and alcohol consumption and exceed the influence of other risk factors such as physical inactivity and obesity.
Male suicides outnumber female by a factor of three to one and are climbing. Gay and trans people are being murdered all across the world. As catastrophic as this slaughter is, a whole additional population of men are dying too early in their lives. And they’re dying for lack of human connection.
Its not difficult to connect the dots. We train our sons away from emotionally vibrant friendships in adolescence. Men confront epidemic levels of social isolation. Isolation increases the risk factors for mortality across a wide range of dangerous illnesses.
If we can give our sons only one gift, it must be the gift of emotional fluency; the capacity to comfortably and openly express their emotions and feel empathy for others. If we are dying from anything in this angry conflict ridden world, it is, at its base, an epidemic of emotional isolation.
The good news is our sons can learn to connect emotionally and they can learn how in our homes. We just need to commit to the task.
So, we are confronted with a decision. Do we teach our sons how to connect emotionally or do we abandon them to be shut down, savaged and ultimately killed by the Man Box?
I think the choice is clear.
Photo by: Emmett Tullos
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Remaking Manhood is a collection of Mark Greene’s most widely shared articles on American culture, relationships, family and parenting. It is a timely and balanced look at the issues at the heart of the modern masculinity movement. Mark’s articles on masculinity and manhood have received over 100,000 FB shares and 10 million page views. Get Remaking Manhood IN PRINT or on the free Kindle Reader app for any Mac, Windows or Android device here.
Read more by Mark Greene:
The Ugly and Violent Death of Gender Conformity
Why Are Death Rates Rising for Middle Aged White Americans?
Why Traditional Manhood is Killing Us
Why Do We Murder the Beautiful Friendships of Boys?
How America’s Culture of Shame is a Killer for Boys
The Culture of Shame: Men, Love, and Emotional Self-Amputation
The Man Box: Why Men Police and Punish Others
The Man Box: The Link Between Emotional Suppression and Male Violence
The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
Touch Isolation: How Homophobia Has Robbed All Men of Touch
Boys and Self-Loathing: The Conversations That Never Took Place
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Bill I accept your apology. The remark was just a reflex. You couldn’t help it. It’s an assumption made about conservatives. There are lots more. I know some people are jerks. My point is that Mark’s rules for the man box either don’t exist or, as in the case of providing, and of dominance, are at least partly driven by women. The point about veterans and traditional men in general is that the are considered to be inadequate to the modern times, as defined by guys like Mark who get the whole thing wrong in the first place. But, somehow,… Read more »
Please calm down. No one’s attacking your dad. (My father was a WW2 veteran, too. He served in the Navy in the Pacific theater. FYI I have always honored veterans.) In fact, no one who has posted in this topic has attacked your dad. Including Mark. Who doesn’t honor our WW2 veterans and those of our brave soldiers who gave their lives? They saved us from Nazism and the horrible cruelties of militarist Japanese imperialism. Rest assured, traditional men are still appreciated by most people. To believe otherwise is to engage in a negative fantasy with the needless feelings of… Read more »
More generally, wrt Mark’s rules for the man box Two, providing and the dominance issue are partly or even mostly driven by women. Repressed emotion–which, technically, means you don’t know you have/are having it–went from repressing it to not expressing it to manifesting it when it won’t make things worse. Talking only about sports….. Nope,as any few moments listening to conversations will show you. Last word…? Last time I had the last word with women I was chair of a committee mostly women and I said…meeting’s over. Just because, three towns on Holland have renamed streets after my Dad’s division–Timberwolves,… Read more »
Richard, I really feel like you are just not listening to me. One more time. Traditional Manhood is valid and worthwhile. It is equal to any other way of being a man. Its just not better. Calling out the Man Box is NOT a condemnation of traditional manhood. Traditional Manhood alone does not equal the Man Box. It is the enforcement of traditional manhood on those for which it is not a good fit that brings the Man Box into existence. Your Dad served in the second world war. My father served as well. He also had many gay friends.… Read more »
But Mark, it appears that every time traditional manhood is presented, it’s presented in a negative light. Men are head of households, men are into sports, men like to be rough and tough, men protect their family, men are good with a hammer, nails and wrenches. But when you place “real men” in front of each of these, it gives the appearance that we’re developing a “man box” and are unaccepting of men who don’t fit these roles. Be honest, there would be a major upheaval if we were to say “real women” to each of what you stated, which… Read more »
But Tom, You are noting over and over a specific angle and a specific frame for my work. That I am denigrating traditional manhood. This is your only point in all this conversation? Let me note a something then. I have never noticed you or Richard Aubrey intentionally supporting non-traditional manhood. If you’re going to stand up for traditional manhood, than by all means, do so, but your luke warm interest in ever validating other ways of being a man tells me that you would, in your heart of hearts, prefer we all do manhood in the traditional way. I… Read more »
Problem with “bullying” is that, whatever it is, it isn’t enough. There are more advocates against it than can actually fit. We need more and more of it to support the supposed causes of shootings, suicides, bad grades, and cutting.
And it’s only boys doing the bullying.
I was bullied. My folks started me at age four and that was a problem until I got my growth. My father’s advice was “knuckles up” and don’t hit him in the face or you might hurt your hand..
I think I’m always going to struggle with the idea of a “man box.” I had this long response that I decided not to bother posting. My 15+ years of experience working with male adolescents, my opinion and views on this just don’t matter. For years I’ve been reading the results of study after study and my colleagues and I have been scratching our collective heads asking “where the hell do they get this stuff?” So many of us on the front lines in the social services field feel that we’re not listened to. If we were listened to the… Read more »
Bill Last thing I had to do with bullying was in a kids program at our church. i was working with a sixth-grader who’d been bullied. We talked about demeanor, the reason behind bullying, some playground combatives. I don’t know how it worked out, since I moved away after that. The sample size is a lot of guys I know, not just me. The boy who shows up in a dress is a green monkey, not somebody denying the man box. Green monkeys are always going to get into trouble. Nothing to do with the man box Clear and unambiguous… Read more »
Richard, I cant tell you how helpful you are in showing others how the Man Box operates. For instance, let me see if I can translate your latest entry here: 1) “The boy who shows up in a dress is a green monkey, not somebody denying the man box. Green monkeys are always going to get into trouble.” Translation: Trans people deserve what they get. And then there’s this comment: “Problem is, if we don’t emote publically and frequently, we are accused of some kind of repression.” You keep suggesting over and over that I am saying men MUST emote.… Read more »
Richard, I now realize that my previous statement concerning your attitude toward bullying was wrong; and I apologize for what I said. Thank you for responding in a civil manner.
The three of us may actually agree with one another more than we disagree.
Unfortunately, I’m short on time. Perhaps I’ll have more time tomorrow. Maybe or maybe not.
@ Bill …Disregard my questioning you regarding your view of Richard in that I had not yet read all the responses. But then again, I would like to know why you made that assumption in the first place. It wasn’t until Richard gave an example of his work that you backed down. This is very frustrating to some of us, especially the “conservatives” who challenge some of these ideas.
I thought I had read another post of Richard’s years ago in which he seemed to disregard public concern over bullying in the schools. I may have misunderstood his post. On the other hand, I did read a lengthy column at by Matt Labash at The Weekly Standard Magazine online in which he ridiculed people who were opposed to bullying in the schools
Excuse me. As you can see, I was interrupted by the webpage acting up. I didn’t get to finish writing my post. I should copy and paste from a composition file instead. Anyway, Labash ridiculed the concern for bullied kids as evidence of the “wussification” of America, a claim that I consider to be unadulterated baloney and precisely the position that a jerk would take. Likely, he was a bully himself in high school who now defends his own sins. I read the Labash column about seven years ago. Sorry I don’t have a link. My observation is that there… Read more »
” Men in America can never finish proving they are “real men”. They are never allowed to completely and finally pass the test. They have to keep proving their manhood over and over again, forever.
I agreed with you there Mr. Greene. It’s kind of like how Afro-Americans have to work twice as hard to prove themselves. In addition, American men also will never be allowed to be treated as equal partners in the American political and economic landscape as well nor by their parents and by women as well.
Mr. Greene:
As usual, your article like the other ones you have written on GMP, is well thought out, well written, insightful, and hits home with many of us. Men are not only bullied when they were young, but also are bullied at work by both other men and women and get bullied even when they are old at retirement homes.
Thanks G.
We all need to realize that different kinds of men (and women) are needed for the survival of a country and the health of a society. In other words, there are different paths to masculinity. Individuals have different strengths and different weaknesses. That’s simply part of being human. Mark, I suspect Richard doesn’t have a problem with bullying. Many people in this country condone bullying in the schools. Especially conservatives. Richard, I think physical strength is important, too. I made a permanent commitment to bodybuilding eight years ago and have since spent tens of thousands of dollars on personal trainers.… Read more »
@ Bill, you said “Mark, I suspect Richard doesn’t have a problem with bullying. Many people in this country condone bullying in the schools. Especially conservatives.” What did Richard say that gave you that impression? And what do you have to base “Especially conservatives?”
Point is, Mark’s assertion of the rules of the man box is wrong. My father was an all-state football player in high school, all conference in college (UConn), and a decorated Infantry officer. You’d think he’d push the “rules”. Didn’t. Hide emotions? Nope. Just save them for an appropriate time. Mark wants them displayed according to a schedule. If I stay awake all night reproaching myself for something done or not done, I’m not about to wear a sign saying so the next day. Sorry. That’s life. Deal. Dominance? Ask women. Speaking of which, try selling yourself to a woman… Read more »
Richard, Your experience is not universal. It’s amusing to me that while trying to argue Mark’s observations are invalid you are relying on a sample size of 1. You. Because you don’t (or won’t) see the things Mark is discussing you think he’s wrong. I know many male decorated veterans who were sexually assaulted either prior to their service or during their service. Few ever feel safe enough to disclose and of the few who do, often they face harsh retribution and attacks from others. The man box kills because trauma kills, and we don’t live in a culture where… Read more »
Richard You bring in the argument “try selling yourself to a woman with the understood premis you do not intend to be be employed or in any other sense provide” What do you mean Richard? Do men have to live inside the man box to be able to get an education and a job ? I live in a country often defined together with Sweden, as the most feminine culture. Still men do get an education or learn a trade,and most of them get a job unless they have severe health problems or are refugees . Do you have to… Read more »
Richard, your need to push back against the narrative of the Man Box is clearly rooted in your need to promote the dominant view of what manhood should be. For the record: I am not telling men how to live. What I am saying is that we need to create a culture where the full range of men can live in ways that are authentic and natural for them. I am making a case for all ways of being a man. INCLUDING traditional manhood. Can I be any clearer? There is an endless supply of clear and unambiguous evidence which… Read more »
@ Richard … “Didn’t. Hide emotions? Nope. Just save them for an appropriate time. ” Perfectly stated and sums up countless men that I know and have known through the years.
No one is saying men should constantly be expressing their raw unfiltered emotions. No one is saying men must weep in the middle of an emergency. Of course not.
What this is about is teaching our sons the lifelong skills they need to manage and express emotions in empowered, connecting ways. Instead of simply suppressing their emotions across the board.
So, we are confronted with a decision. Do we teach our sons how to connect emotionally or do we abandon them to be shut down, savaged and ultimately killed by the Man Box? There are two parts to this story. The “Real Man” narrative is just one of them. The second is that we need to stop demonising masculinity from a young age. Girls are treated as delicate snowflakes who deserve our protection. Girls have problems whereas boys are problems. Then we shame men for speaking out against this double-standards: “be a man” when he is young and “check your… Read more »
Mark
I wonder why this happens so much more cruelly in the U.S. ,than say in Scandina ?
Is it America as a military superpower that pushes a culture to raise their son like that?
I mean why are Americans so much more troubled with men expressing feelings than other cultures.?
Scandinavians do not express strong feelings, nor do those living in places like Japan.
sorry a typo:
I wonder why this is happens so much more cruelly in the U.S. than say in Scandinavia?
silke, bullying isn’t limited to the US. Of course it’s going to feel that way because you’re tapping into an American site that references American events. I found several articles regarding European countries where bullying is an issues https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8&safe=active&ssui=on#q=Bullying+in+germany&safe=active&ssui=on https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8&safe=active&ssui=on#safe=active&q=Bullying+in+Italy But I found this to be very interesting about Sweden “Some 90 per cent of children in Sweden start off living with their mother and father, who may or may not be married and tend to have one or two children on average. But separation is not unusual. Today 74 per cent of children under 18 live with both their… Read more »
WRT Coulter. Point is, even she noticed it. Many cops/firefighters do not live in Manhattan because they can’t afford it, or don’t like it. So when Manhattan needs guys to take care of business…they don’t all come from Manhattan. I know about Wallenberg. Audie Murphy was too small to get into the Marines and looked about fourteen. It’s not about looks. Mark has half a dozen rules for the man box. My point is two fold. He’s mostly wrong. And the conclusion to dropping the man box is guys who…when something needs to be done are incapable of pushing their… Read more »
You mentioned volunteers rushing to the site. Everybody knows that. The title of your piece was the man box will get you killed. So i was talking about the people killed.
One of the Chicken Soup books (For Healing The Nation’s Soul) has a lot in of of terrific things women did. But none of them were things that could get them killed. It was only guys getting killed.
Here’s an observation which refers not solely to gender but to class.
http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122451174798650085
You listed the rules of the man box. Where’s the rulebook? Never saw it. Never had it preached to me.
There is one implication, though. Somebody has to take care of business. Who? After 9-11, Ann Coulter, poking a bit of fun at Manhattan’s culture, noted that, as regards first responders, “We have to import our men from Lodi.” By extension, various other burbs as well.
In your ideal world, where do we import the necessary men from?
When you reside in the Man Box, Richard, it can seem invisible to you. If you had grown up as a gay man in America you would have had the rule book hammered into you. But what is more interesting to me in your comment, is the implication that the only way to be effective in times of emergency is to be a traditional man. Men and women of all kinds raced down to ground zero and pitched in the days after 9-11. Those of us who were in NYC on 9-11 know how many Manhattanites of all kinds were… Read more »
Ann Coulter? What credibility does she have? She’s the moral equivalent of a troll. Even some conservatives don’t like her. I once heard her say in a video that the Southern segregationists of the 1950s and ’60s were “liberal Democrats.” This particular exercise of the Big Lie Technique would embarrass Joseph Goebbels. (By the way, I’m neither a progressive nor a conservative.) Some of the most heroic men in history have been “nontraditional” in one respect or another. One of the greatest heroes in WW2 was a man from a neutral country (in other words, a noncombatant) who saved the… Read more »