Approaching women online doesn’t have to be complicated … or creepy.
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Recently a friend posted some screenshots on Facebook of messages she received from guys hitting on her. The point she was making was that guys can be creeps and she is tired of it … so she’s calling them out.
I am always fascinated by this type of interaction—men initiating conversations with women online. Without fail, every woman friend I have has shared a story of a guy messaging her with entirely inappropriate comments from the start. It amazes me the approaches I’ve seen or heard about. From making sexual comments before actually saying hello, to sending or asking for pictures.
Without fail, every woman friend I have has shared a story of a guy messaging her with entirely inappropriate comments, from the start.
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But some times I’m confused by these stories. My friends share how sweet a guy was for saying or doing this … but I’ve heard the exact same thing done by someone else and it was called “creepy.” This makes me think a lot of it comes down to the openness of the person receiving the message.
Part of the reason I’m fascinated by online approaches is that I’ve tried about everything: online dating sites, apps like tinder, or saying hello to someone Facebook suggests I might know. No matter the approach, I always fear coming across as a creep.
Out of curiosity I asked a few friends about their experiences. As men, sometimes it feels like women are quick to jump to the “creep” label. We wonder if it really just comes down to attractiveness or interest and if they don’t think so, you are a creep. But for the women I talked to, it hinged entirely on the approach and how respectful it was. The answers to managing this successfully were surprisingly simple.
1. No pictures of your junk—Seems obvious. Apparently it isn’t. Might get a better response to these kinds of pictures if they A) have actually had sex with you or B) asked you for it
2. Don’t be too aggressive—Pretty much regardless of how attractive you think you are or how great you think that profile picture is, asking someone out immediately isn’t going to work. Give them a chance to see what you are about first. They are much more likely to respond to you if they get a feel for who you are and what you stand for.
Might get a better response to these kinds of pictures if they A) have actually had sex with you or B) asked you for it
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3. If they don’t respond, don’t keep trying—One of my friends told me she had 887 unread messages on Facebook from men. Eight hundred and eighty seven … think about that. I haven’t received that many messages in total on Facebook since I joined. So to keep sending message after message with no response is pretty pointless, and doesn’t help the cause at all.
4. Be interested, not interesting—This old saying holds true though. It wasn’t said this way exactly, but the reality is that not trying to sell yourself helps avoid being a creep. Curiosity about real things people are interested in, doing or posting about goes a long way. Much further than, “hey gorgeous, how are you?” Ask engaging questions and attempt to actually know them.
5. Don’t try too hard—Being thoughtful or purposeful is one thing. But being over the top or trying too hard to be funny is entirely noticeable. As the saying goes …“the thirst is real”.
All the women I spoke with pointed out the number of crazy messages they get and how it definitely turns them off to opening any messages at all. So the more guys who are creepy, the worse the chance is for any normal approach to work. Everyone I talked to stressed that the openness to meeting people through social media channels was there. So before you write your next message, stop and think: would you want your words if they were coming from a stranger to someone you cared about?
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Photo Credit: iStock
Considering how a woman’s perspective and prerogative are her choices, how she sees any man is then her choice, irrespective of what he is really like or truly is.
As such, a woman is not to be trusted as her perspective is colored by her choice(s) and is as such remote from reality. The really creepy thing then is that women are thought of as trustworthy when they cannot be trusted to see things or people as they are.
The take away is: exercise caution when wanting to accept a woman’s claim.
There’s another possibility that no one’s mentioned yet, because people don’t like to think about it too much. When a man writes something sexually explicit to a woman online, he may have no expectation that she will reply and no expectation that he has any chance at all of having sex with her.
It’s possible he gets sexual arousal just from sending those messages, and he pleasures himself merely with the idea that it might work.
Don’t assume that a message is actually intended to succeed. The message may have been the whole point in the first place.
When looking for a potential mate, you have the freedom to be as fair or as unfair as you want. When deciding what messages to answer and which ones not to answer, you can be as racist, sexist, homophobic, etc., as you want to be. You can instantly judge someone in your mind as being a creep, slut, rapist, skank, whatever you want. You can persist in your prejudice and refuse to accept any counter-evidence for your opinion. That’s horribly unfair and totally ugly and naturally makes a lot of people angry, but it’s not going to change any time… Read more »
One really big factor here contributing to the “creepiness” issue is the sheer *number* of messages. Some men take a carpet-bombing approach to being online, sending hundreds of basically identical messages to hundreds of women, with the idea that asking directly for sex will work with someone out there at some point. They simply don’t care that 99% of women won’t like that approach, or they simply accept that. These men are basically saying, “To whom it may concern: I want to have sex with you.” A man with this approach sends a LOT more messages than what I would… Read more »
Carpet bombers probably get far more success than those who tailor-make every message. As soon as she see’s an email in her inbox and the photo, a lot of her judgment is already made. Dating is a numbers game, sadly.
I guess it depends on one’s definition of “success.” If greater frequency of sex over the course of a year is the sole measure, then yes, they may be notably more successful. As long as one ignores the 99.9% rejection rate. I’m trying not to be judgmental – if that’s a particular guy’s view of sex and it makes him happy and the woman knows what she’s getting into and it’s all consensual, then he should go for it. I just don’t have the thick skin necessary to live like that, and maybe I’m just too sentimental to blindly proposition… Read more »
$300 an hour here, sex workers are expensive.
For me, creepy is a feeling I get from someone. Not what they say. It could be a really good looking guy, dressed really nice, and if the creep factor is there, it’s there. And usually, I feel more comfortable talking to an average, hard working guy …..like in a Home Depot . I prefer down to earth people and the first thing I look at in a man is his eyes. They say so much. Creepiness could come from any type guy……but when it’s there I know it, and my gut is usually right!!
Patricia,
Do you think the guy giving off the creep vibe, is usually also aware of this?
Not trying to be a troll here, and not trying to pry, I really am just curious –
Have you ever changed your mind about a man you originally thought was a creep but later you thought you misjudged him?
I ask because many men are afraid that once they’re labeled a “creep” the label becomes permanent. Do women change their mind in the positive direction?
How do you get over 800 messages on Facebook? When did FB become a dating site? Something doesn’t add up.
How about asking your friends another question: What Is an acceptable approach when it comes to online dating, and give both an example and a picture of the sender, just to make sure that there is no bias between the hunks and those deemed “creepy.” I’m going to bet that a hunky guy can get away with more than the average run of the mill, working class guy.
I have gotten unsolicited FB messages from men with objectively attractive photos but neverthess I’ve had a “creepy vibe” e.g. there’s only one photo and I suspect it’s fake and/or the message is overly sexual. I’ve gotten other messages that weren’t at all creepy yet I was uninterested due to the sender’s abysmal spelling. I admit I have a bias against men who mix up “their” and “there” etc. Just my personal thing.
@ Sarah,
You position is very reasonable and I can respect it.
At least you did take the time to read the messages. While I have a FB account, I am not a social media person. But, I do know you can change your setting to not allow everyone to message you. Right? You should NOT have to do this. But, when you are in the public domain and invite the public in, you are going to get some crazies.
@ Sarah
I’m almost 50 and get unsolicited FB messages from women. They’re usually friend requests from people I don’t know or maybe have had so little contact with that I’ve completely forgotten them. I suspect some of them are just people trying to pad their friends list (I know one woman who has over 800 “friends”). I’ve never really known how to respond. I don’t accept them as my friends may actually believe that we’re friends.
There is only one question to ask yourself. Am I a creep? Because in the immortal words of Jim McKay, ” I’m not responsible for what other people think, only for what I am.”
“One of my friends told me she had 887 unread messages on Facebook from men. Eight hundred and eighty seven … think about that. ” Yeah Paul DO think about that. That’s quite a privileged position to in now isn’t it. Since she has not read them, presumably she does not even know if many of them are from the same guys. Right? But, all men are torched for this. “All the women I spoke with pointed out the number of crazy messages they get and how it definitely turns them off to opening any messages at all.” Hmmm. I… Read more »
Well Jules, since you said Paul 4 times in your comment I can only assume you are talking to the author. My name is Patrick, but I will respond anyway. I actually started out with the idea that the word “creep” is entirely over used. To the point it annoys me. But I’m also aware that thinking it is over used and expecting it to stop are very different things. As I described in the article a friend shared a story once about something “sweet” a guy did to meet her. And I know the same action from a less… Read more »
@ Patrick, My apologies for calling you Paul..Sorry. I get very annoyed with the abuse of men as creeps. I do not want to downplay the experiences of many women who have experienced real abuse online. I have female friends who have shared similar experiences. It is real and terrible, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/perv-magnet-instagram-account-reminds-us-how-awful-the-internet-is-for-women_56180649e4b0e66ad4c7d03f?utm_hp_ref=women&ir=Women§ion=women However, I just think a lot of women (a lot) throw that label on any man whom they simply do not like for whatever assortment of reasons. It’s just a cheap and mean spirited thing. All part of the ongoing man bashing in America. When your friend said she… Read more »
Jules, The point of the 887 messages comment wasn’t that they were all creeps. In the context of what I wrote even, the point was the quantity of messages. Is that an extreme case? yes, and that is pretty much why I used it. Is she the outlier? maybe. The point of saying she had that many messages wasn’t to criticize her for not thoughtfully responding to people she doesn’t know. The point is even if you are approaching someone, whatever the situation, online or in person, it is safe to assume they are getting approached a lot. So have… Read more »
Patrick,
She IS on FB. Which has how many zillion men?
Does not FB have setting to only allow comments/messages from say only your Friends etc. I have an account but it is disabled 99% of the time. Not a social media guy. I have seen the setting for this. That is an option for her.
I know that for men who struggle to get attention from women, complaining about having 887 unsolicited messages seems insane. But imagine if you had 887 messages from women and 99% of them seemed “off”, weird, crazy or scary. Would you want to sort through them for the one message from the normal attractive attractive person? Or would you just go “ugh this is awful” and shut down? Admittedly I get nowhere near that many unsolicited FB messages. I’m a middle aged woman. But I still get a message once and awhile, usually weird and filled with grammatical errors. Some… Read more »
@ Sarah, “But imagine if you had 887 messages from women and 99% of them seemed “off”, weird, crazy or scary. Would you want to sort through them for the one message from the normal attractive attractive person? Or would you just go “ugh this is awful” and shut down?” You know Sarah, you can always turn the TV off. Right? I seethe over pieces like this because the vast majority of men do not leave these sorts of messages. Yet, men like Patrick find it compelling to lecture us about it. Frankly, I really don’t want to hear that… Read more »
Jules, I have to say I do agree with you that 887 unread messages is a bit extreme and likely the woman receiving those is either the most gorgeous human being to ever walk the Earth or has some other magical powers I can only imagine. I also find it difficult to understand why she hasn’t deleted them if she’s not interested, but who knows? Maybe she’s saving them for her grandchildren? Or movie dialogue? That said, a few thoughts: A) Given that these are Facebook messages, you can actually see the sender and even check the profiles without ever… Read more »
@ Arianna, “…..accepting that if a woman rejects them when they are being authentic, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.” I could not agree more. I have met many women who were friendly, polite, classy, and liked me as a person. They enjoyed the conversation with me. Most women I talk to find me to be pleasant and gentlemanly. Which is the impression I wish to leave them. But, I never take that as them being interested in me. Some yes. But MOST are not. I tell men all the time: “just because she is talking to you does not… Read more »
@ Arinanna,
“I wish I could agree with you that only 2% of men send these types of messages, but my own experience and that of many other women I know has been that they are unfortunately far more common.
I referenced the 2% figure in the context of rapist. But we can make the “creep” number 10 times that if you wish. It’s high but that still leaves 80% of men who do not engage in the practice.But, Patrick is telling the 80% of us men that we are somehow responsible and need lecturing. I say bulls&%t!!
As a man that is hyper-aware of creeps and how women can be creeped out, I find it absolutely hindered my ability to meet women. Being so afraid to make a move because I never wanted to creep her out. I asked a few of my female friends and they’re all saying the same thing, stop worrying. Stop worrying about creeping a woman out, and learn to trust my instincts more. Sometimes people will make a mistake, you need to be able to spot her discomfort and adjust your behaviour. Sometimes people get creeped out through no fault of your… Read more »
The message is pretty “clear” and “intuitive”:
Just be yourself.
Unless being yourself creeps her out, then don’t totally be yourself.
But don’t be a fake either, because fakeness is creep.
Simple stuff, right?
It may be a common occurrence for women and still be practiced by only 2% of men. Consider that a bunch of guys are shy and wouldn’t initiate contact with women. There are also guys like me who wouldn’t expend the energy trying to catch the attention of a gorgeous stranger. Not that I wouldn’t want one, but just that my chances wouldn’t be great and what if she said yes? I would immediately suspect that something was amiss, but would have stepped in it royally by that time. I don’t enjoy relationships with psychopaths.