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I remember wondering endlessly if I was gay as a young boy.
Why? Because I consistently got the feedback from my male peers that I wasn’t a traditional male.
As my male friends played basketball to impress the girls in our class, I sat on the sidelines and ‘gossiped’ with my female classmates.
While my guy friends played rugby, I was in musicals.
While my guy friends wanted to get off the phone after 90 seconds of problem solving conversation, I would routinely spend hours at a time on the phone with my female friends.
And strangely enough, through all of my teen years through to mid-20’s being a sensitive and seemingly feminine guy, I had always had a girlfriend. It was cognitive dissonance of the highest degree. I thought to myself “I’m so NOT a manly man. How can girls still be interested in me romantically?”
While I have always been more sensitive and intuitive than most of my friends, it took me almost two decades to realize that being sensitive had nothing to do with femininity. And if it does by some people’s definitions of the word feminine for them, then hey, great… that works too.
So what if, as a man, you decided on your own personal ideals of masculinity and you lived your life according to your values and not some regurgitated bullshit that you read off of a Buzzfeed article?
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How To Be A Man (In 3 Easy Steps)
To opt out of the societally constructed version of masculinity and choose for yourself, it’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.
Here are three simple steps that will help you become a real man (at least in the eyes of the person whose opinion matters most… yours!).
1. Decide On Your Values
Our values are our core beliefs and standards about what we expect and will tolerate in our lives.
What does this mean? Here are a few examples of my personal values in action.
A woman wants to start dating me but then I find out she’s a smoker. For me, cigarettes are a huge turnoff so I politely decline. My underlying value states that I will only spend my time with people who want the best for themselves and treat their bodies with respect.
A few months into starting my website, I had a few offers from people in the relationship industry who wanted to partner up with me on some video courses that would have made me exceptionally wealthy very quickly. The people making the offers had a track record of massive success, but they also had a history of shady ethics. I would have been making six figures within a few months of launching a product with these individuals, but I would have been selling my soul to the highest bidder. I declined because my underlying values stated that I will only ever put out products that are marketed in ethical ways and that I truly believe help the world.
A few years ago I was getting on a bus in my hometown. I was about to enter when the bus driver told me to board through the rear door instead because someone in a wheelchair needed to get off through the front door and it would take a minute. Now, when you board the busses in my hometown it is either assumed that you have a prepaid bus pass on your person, or you go through the front door and pay when you get on. Having been shooed to the rear door, I had not yet paid. When I got on the bus I realized that it was densely packed and I would have had to push my way through 30 or so bus riders in order to get to the front to pay my fare. So at the next step I got off the bus, ran to the front (we have long busses that don’t stop for very long), and reboarded in order to pay for my trip. Could I have taken the bus without paying? Absolutely. It would have been easy. But my underlying value system stated that every dollar I spend is a vote that I cast in the world… and I enjoy supporting products and services that I feel benefit the world.
So where do you set boundaries in your life where you decide what is or isn’t acceptable? How do you behave when no one is around to judge your actions? What things do you do that make you proud of who you choose to show up as in the world?
Decide on your personal values, adhere to them regardless of external incentives, and you will be a much better and happier person for it.
2. Do What You Want To Do
“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be” – Abraham Maslow
Mmmmm… one of my favourite quotes of all time from my homie Maslow! The only way to ultimately be at peace with yourself is to do the things that you know you want to (as long as they don’t harm anyone).
If there is a burning desire to accomplish, create, or be something in this world that lives within you, you must adhere to this inner voice.
What does this have to do with being your version of an authentic man? Everything.
I believe that it is our frustrated desires and our under-utilized potential that eats away at us from the inside.
If you have a book, or an album inside of you that gets ignored… or you have a career path or potential romantic partner that you want to go after but you never do… it will eat away at you like acid eroding the under carriage of a car.
Life is short and it’s the “what ifs” that eat away at you the most.
What if I had just gone to that concert despite what my friends’ opinions of that artist was? What if I had approached that woman who I told myself was out of my league? What if I had broken off from the corporate world and started my own thing?
Whatever burning desires live inside of you, pay them the attention they deserve. You must listen to them and act accordingly… otherwise they will end up hurting you.
3. Let Go Of Needing To Justify Your Actions Or Preferences
You don’t need to justify your actions or your way of being in the world to anyone.
I do some pretty weird stuff with my life.
I run an internet based business. I spend a few summer days per week at a nude beach. I often go to BDSM/kink themed parties with my friends. I spend more money on vitamins and supplements than some people think is normal. And I have experienced resistance to all of these things on multiple occasions.
But you know what the great thing is? At the end of the day, I only have to answer to myself and my conscience. When I’m lying in bed at night and I’m navigating the whirring thoughts in my mind as I doze off to sleep, the only question I can ever ask myself is “Did I live today according to my values and beliefs? Was today a day of integrity for me?” And if the answer is a resounding “Yes!” then I feel like I have stayed on my path and used my day wisely.
So why do so many people justify their actions, preferences, or way of being in the world to others? Because they’re still tied to the external validation and need for approval from others.
The need to fit in is universal and hard wired into us. External validation isn’t unhealthy either. The forces of social tension keep us safe in a lot of ways and keep social order in place. But where this tension oversteps its boundaries is when we start living our lives for other people and not primarily for ourselves.
In the process of individuation in human development (separating from our parents) we learn how to shift from being someone who is primarily concerned with pleasing our parental figures, to discovering who we are and how we want to view the world. Personal values are largely formed during this stage as we question everything around us in our lives.
So if you still feel the need to justify or explain yourself to others (even without prompting) then you might want to consider how much importance you place on others opinions of you.
If you need someone to incessantly tell you you’re doing a good job or doing the right thing, maybe you need to tell yourself that more often.
What It Means To Be A Man
Individual cultures tell us that there is only one way to be a man. And living in the male box can feel pretty limiting sometimes… if you let it get to you.
But you can also choose to just say “Screw it. I am what I am. And that has nothing to do with my gender or orientation.”
So what if, as a guy, you need to feel an emotional connection before you can sleep with someone?
So what if, as a guy, you sometimes don’t feel like having sex with your partner?
So what if, as a guy, you get emotional while watching American Idol contestants get closer to their dream by making it through another round?
None of these things makes you any less of a man.
Don’t live life in someone else’s reality. Choose your own path.
And by being you and inhabiting your version of what it means to be a man, you will give others around you permission to do the same. You will be a beacon of hope for others who need a role model who owns their stuff.
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:
7 Things All Women Need In A Relationship
10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship
Half A Dozen Hacks For A Thriving Sex Life
The One Thing To Remember When You’re Dealing With Any Person, Ever
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This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Hmmm, a bit confused. So it’s okay for a man to be a porn addict with an affinity towards young girls because he is free to be who he wants to be and shouldn’t feel bad about it or need to justify his actions to anybody?
I explicitly stated “The only way to ultimately be at peace with yourself is to do the things that you know you want to (as long as they don’t harm anyone)” for that reason.
The example you gave above is of someone harming others (in your example, non-consenting non-adults).
But he isn’t the one doing the sex, so…?
krazy, you’re not a bit confused, you’re just a troll. We’re all terribly sorry this article was about men, and that it didn’t have any reference to ____________, but after all, this site is called THE GOOD MEN PROJECT, so it’s not entirely unreasonable for it to occasionally feature articles that actually refer to men, how to be good men, and what it means to be a man. It’s probably very hard for you to just let us enjoy Jordan’s work, and for let him enjoy our appreciation of it, but perhaps you could find some other house on the… Read more »
Jordan,
Well written and interesting article.
I have a question, though. I agree with these 3 steps, and I feel strongly that something is missing as well. These are strong rules how to craft a healthy sense of self, but I can’t help but wonder if there is need to establish some guidelines for how to develop a healthy sense of other?
Be interested to hear your thoughts.
Chris
well done jordan!
i love the way you think, act and share your beliefs. many of us strive to get that right!!
Thank you Saki. I appreciate you saying so. And it was certainly a hard won process. You’ll get there soon enough, I’m sure of it!
Thanks so much for this article, Jordan. Finally a “how to be a man” that makes sense, doesn’t try to stuff me in box I don’t fit in, and actually explains how to proceed. I want to print this and stick it on my pillow. Donna, you are a wonderful person; I love your comment. We can ignore the trolls. I often feel like I’m not a man (let alone a good one) due to past CSA incest damage and being marginalized by “man box society” in almost every aspect of my life (bi, poly, BDSM sub, survivor, bipolar, stay… Read more »
Thank you! Sometimes I ignore the trolls, sometimes I try to lead them out of the cave. Doesn’t usually seem to work on the internet, but that’s no reason to quit fighting the good fight.
Your history sounds like something no person deserves. I hope you are finding support where you need it and are feeling success in your healing process. There is no one ‘type’ of man that is the ‘correct type.’ I’ll take an imperfect man doing his best to be honest over a caricature of stereotypes any day.
Thank you so much W.R.R. So glad my words resonated with you.
And I always try to have some tangible, yet accessible action steps in my articles (so there’s a mix of education and experience to be had) so thank you for recognizing that effort.
Thanks again brother. We’re on this journey together.
Well said Jordan.
When we know our purpose and live by our values we live and lead a life that serves and that is ultimately fulfilling. When you live with integrity it matters squat what other people think.
This is one of the best articles I have seen on this website! Thank you for sharing these thoughts and a powerful message. I have to say, they are good thoughts for anyone, man or woman.
Wow. Thank you so much Cathy. That’s very sweet of you to say, and I really appreciate it.
And I agree. The message is applicable to all people, of any gender, age, or orientation.
Thanks again!
Hear, hear- for far too long men have been subjected to “one size fits all” concept of tough and tearless machismo(which may have had some validity if you were aspiring to join the armed forces or law enforcement), but as most men will NEVER do so, I question this whole “man box” business!
Speaking as a man who regards war films with some unease and discomfort(amongst other things), I think this writer is on the right track( I also paint as well).
Thank you Terry! I’m glad that the article resonates with you.
Hear hear! I am a woman who always wants to get off the phone after 90 seconds of problem solving conversation. Most of the men around me are much more sensitive than me. There are so many ways I don’t fit into the stereotype of ‘woman,’ and I have been called ‘manly,’ ‘masculine,’ etc all my life. People have assumed I’m a lesbian without talking to me about it. I have realised that this is BS. I feel like a woman, I like being in a woman’s body, and I like being friends with other women. Everything I do is… Read more »
Beautifully put Donna. Thank you for your comment!
Thanks for the article. 🙂
Nothing worst than a woman getting in touch with muscularity and out of touch with her feminine “REAL women” roots.
Dysfunctional westernised society = only acceptable for women to act like men and men can only act feminine (gay).
No wonder Westernised countries have such a high divorce rate!
Paul, you live in a small world, but you don’t have to. Learning to accept yourself isn’t always fun, but it’s very rewarding and I suggest you try it. Divorce is more likely to happen when people don’t accept themselves or their future spouse before marriage. My parents have been together 40 years. I am quite similar to my mother and my SO is similar to my father. We are all happy people because we accept ourselves and each other as we are, rather than putting societal expectations before what feels right to each of us. I am lucky to… Read more »
No, it’s also acceptable for men to act like absolute idiots, like you.