To be an engaged and present parent, Tsach Gilboa offers five simple guidelines to live by.
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Being a real dad (participating, engaged and present) is a combination of nature and nurture. We develop our moral compass, how to be or not to be and what behaviors are acceptable, from watching our parental units and others. It is a “do as I do and not as I say” proposition. Being a dad is a choice, and actively raising your kids should be why you had them in the first place.
As the father of a 16-year-old son with whom I have a loving, close and mutually respectful relationship, I decided to distill and articulate our journey to “dad/son bliss” to the following five rules to live by.
The five “secret” rules:
1. Put in the time – No excuses. No substitutes:
- When your future child is in the oven, your job is to help ease the pregnancy. A relaxed and happy mom makes for a relaxed and happy child.
- Sing to the fetus in utero. They will remember your voice and the songs you recite with it. This comes in handy when you try to calm them or put them to sleep.
- Participate in caring for them. Get up at night, change diapers, feed them, burp them, give baths, read to them, and stand with them in the shower, steaming them when they are sick. Just do it. It is part of the bonding process. They will learn your scent and remember how you made them feel, and consequently, you will forever be a source of comfort and security to them.
- Be there as they grow. From the playground to the doctor and dentist; from school plays and activities to movies; from ball games and play dates to after school projects and father/son trips. Closeness is built over shared experiences.
2. Be the man you want your son to be and your daughter to be with:
- You are the man. Own it. Be the rock of the family. Stable, consistent, accepting, and measured but always human and imperfect.
- Show the kids that mistakes and failures are a natural part of life. We learn from them and become better, stronger and more resilient.
- Success is who you are, not what you do or how much you earn. Follow your dreams, regardless of how you make a living, and be the best at what you do. That is the best gift you can give your kids.
- Happiness comes from relationships and passion. Your kids need you, your time and your attention; not more stuff.
- Humor is your best tool to comfort and defuse drama, while taking their concerns and issues of “great importance” seriously (a simple example from the toddler years was to offer to take my son to the toe store and buy him a nice large red toe with purple polka dots, when stubbing his toe resulted in crisis. I can still get a smile with that one, sometimes).
3. Be true to your principles:
- Share your convictions and beliefs. We are sentient beings and need depth of thought and spirituality.
- Some things are worth fighting for: justice, equality, fairness and happiness.
- Some things are worth fighting against: discrimination, abuse, bigotry, ignorance, genocide and hatred.
- Engage your kids and discuss politics, spirituality, humanity and social issues. Convey and explore the simple truth that we are not the center of the universe but simply travelers passing through.
4. Love and acceptance are unconditional, period.
- Love with all your heart and without conditions and be very generous with hugs.
- Convince your kids there is nothing they can do to lose your love.
- Accept and support your offspring for who they are, not who you think they should be.
- Don’t make them live your dreams. Don’t live vicariously through them. Do what you can to help them achieve their dreams.
- Don’t judge, ever. Listen and hear what they have to say. Guide and propose solutions when appropriate (“constructive criticism” is simply criticism in sheep’s clothing). Be there for them if they want to vent and don’t try and fix it (unless requested).
5. The Golden rule
There is only one, and it’s the same for everyone regardless of age, gender, religion, race, ethnicity or sexual orientation: “You get up in the morning, look in the mirror and see a good person”.
Lead photo credit: Marina Drasnin Gilboa, used with permission
Thanks Brian and well said. Section 4 sub 4 deals with that issue but I am glad you brought it up since it is critical. We need to accept our kids for who they are and support them in who they want to grow up to be, with their dreams and ambitions. Our dreams, realized or not, are our dreams, not theirs. Happy father’s day
This is all well and good, but if you want to promote loving your child unconditionally, you may want to rephrase #2. It’s incredibly hetero-normative.
Thanks. I am speaking from my experience. The principle is the same and applies to other experiences.
What a lovely post, Tsach. Beautifully written and so true. Thanks for sharing – this is a keeper.
Happy Father’s Day 🙂
Tsach, excellent post on a Father’s Day and full of solid advice. I consider myself a good father but along the way even with my best intentions found times I wish I had done things differently or at least wondered what would have happened if I had done things differently. I’m fortunate to have raised two great kids but I often think they got the best of their mother’s traits and I’m grateful to have been able to share equally in all the parents duties along the way. If there’s on thing I would add to the list of what… Read more »
Much good stuff here – good post. The one thing that rubbed me the wrong way was this: You are the man. Own it. Be the rock of the family. Stable, consistent, accepting, and measured but always human and imperfect. I really do not like prescriptive gender roles. Yes, some men are “stable, consistent, … and measured”. Some like that in a man. But not all men are, and there’s no reason to prescribe that as what a man (father) must be. In some relationships the man is the silly, excitable, innovative but maybe not-so-consistent one. In some relationships, the… Read more »
Lars, Thanks for a great comment. You raise a very good point. We are all products of our experiences, talents and genetics. The critical issue is being engaged, present and owning who you are and your role as a parent. There are different ways of doing it and all are valid if they answer the needs of the kids. If you have a spouse or partner to share the responsibilities with that gives you more options. If you are a single parent you do have to make sure you cover those areas that might not come naturally for you. It’s… Read more »
Excellent advise for Dads and Mothers. I am grateful that my grandson has a Dad that is doing these things.
I especially appreciate Tsach’s take on accountability–your child does not asked to be born; you chose this, now step up. (Which isn’t bad advice for mothers, too!) I hope he does a column on the most common mistakes–like making everything your child does about YOU. I see that so often on Facebook–bragging rights is great, but accepting personal congratulations for your child’s courage and hard work is just wrong. Your child’s successes and failures are theirs, and you should celebrate and support them as such because, in the long run, what you’ve contributed is largely genes and, as Tsach notes,… Read more »
Love this. It’s so from the heart. More from this writer, please.