How To Be Charming

Charming couple photo by zoetnet

 

Charisma is a learnable skill. Harris O’Malley teaches you how.

Originally published on DoctorNerdLove.com

Whenever I think of charismatic people, I can’t help but think of my friend Bert.

Bert is a working actor in Hollywood and easily one of the most magnetic individuals I’ve ever met. He’s a larger than life person – literally, the man’s a goddamn giant – who has the gift of making everyone who meets him feel as though they’ve known him all their lives. Within minutes of being introduced to him, you’ll find yourself swapping life stories like you were best friends and he leaves you walking away feeling as though you just met one of the coolest people in the room. He networks the way other people breathe and glides through social situations with such ease that it’s hard to believe until you see it in person.

He simply has itthat instant, infectious charm that pulls us in and makes us want to like him and leaves us hanging on his every word. When you see him leaving women goggle-eyed and panting after a few minutes of simple conversation, you’re left wondering how the hell you could bottle that and sell it on the black market.

But the thing is: charm isn’t a binary process. It’s not something that either you have or you don’t. In fact, once you understand what makes people so charming, you can learn and practice it for yourself.

Bring The Positive Energy

Here’s the first key to being charming: you have to make other people want to talk to you… and that means that you want to be open and welcoming. The broody, stand-offish or even snarky characters from fiction – Loki, Sherlock, Dr. House – are inherently unapproachable figures. We love them because we like to see them lash out with their rapier wit and skewer fools and make asshats look stupid, and we like to think that we could be just as cool and witty. We never stop to think that we’d be the ones on the business-end of that skewering.

charming photo by topgold

 

Compare this with, say, Ryan Gosling, who forever comes across as someone who would want to share a beer with you and listen to your theories on how exploitation cinema was, in many ways, a sneaky way of introducing strong female characters into the public consciousness. People who are charming are people who make us feel good. They make us feel like they understand us, value us and think we’re awesome. They’re non-judgemental, empathetic and caring. They’re the sort of people you feel like you could rely on when the chips are down because they’re just that kind of person.

So how does one convey warmth to others?

To start with, you want to smile. A broad, genuine smile that reaches the eyes – the famous Duchene smile – is a way of making yourself instantly seem friendlier and more approachable. It also forces you to feel happier and friendlier in a nice bit of biofeedback; by making yourself feel more friendly, you will come across as friendlier and more likable.

You also want to adjust your body language. Start off with open body language – your arms should be at your sides or angled slightly away from your body and your legs should be uncrossed. One of the most common ways that people inadvertently close-off their bodies is when they’re carrying drinks; they hold them across their torso like a shield. Putting anything between you and the person you’re talking to is going to create an ersatz barrier, making it harder for others to feel as though they can connect with you. Hold your drink down by your side or out away from you. You also want to make sure that your posture is erect but relaxed. Slumping conveys disinterest in others, but standing at attention with military precision comes off as tense or nervous. As you’re talking to others, start to subtly mirror their body language, adopting a pose or posture similar to theirs; it’s a quick and dirty way of increasing commonalities between the two of you and making them feel comfortable.

You want to make sure to be as positive as possible. You don’t have to be a wide-eyed optimist, but we are instinctively drawn to people who are happier. Happy people give energy to the room and make others feel good. Being negative – whether it’s through being bitingly sarcastic or just being a general downer – sucks the life from others. Nobody is going to want to hang out with somebody1  who constantly brings the party down and drains the energy from the people around them. Being the human equivalent of mono is never sexy.

Build The Emotional Connections

The next key to being charming is to build the emotional chemistry by finding commonalities with the person you’re talking to. Charming people have the ability to make us feel as though we’ve known them forever – even if we’ve only just met them thirty minutes ago. They bring an easy sense of familiarity and intimacy that we don’t often feel with other people, especially with people we’ve only just met… but it feels so natural that we never think about it.

In fact, one researcher found that it was possible to build an incredibly intense emotional connection – one stronger than even some long-term friendships – in the span of an hour.

photo by mando2003usThe key to building this emotional intensity comes from sharing personal emotional information with one another. Now it’s important to note that this doesn’t mean you just start rambling about the time your parents got divorced or the first time you discovered that your ex broke your heart, stole your dog and gave you the clap; that just becomes a matter of over-sharing that implies that you’re badly calibrated socially. You want to share emotional truths that illustrate some of what makes you who you are. One of the easiest ways to do this is through the Question Game– taking turns asking meaningful questions of one another. Those questions like “what would a perfect day look like to you”? They may sound cheesy… but they’re the ones that elicit the emotional truths and help forge those surprisingly deep and intimate connections that make us feel so close to someone we’ve just met.

So you may want to ask something like “What would you do if you could do anything with no chance of failure?” or even just sharing an embarrassing – but amusing – incident in your life. The key is that you want to allow yourself to be vulnerable;  being charming means letting others feel as though they’re getting insight into you that few other people may get.

Just be sure to leaven it with humor. After all…

Funny is Sexy

As I’ve said many times before, there’s a reason why women rank a sense of humor so highly when they’re listing what they find attractive in men. In fact, some researchers believe thatthere’s a direct correlation between being able to make a woman laugh and her level of sexual or romantic interest. The most charming people out there have excellent senses of humor. Some are droll and witty, others are self-deprecating, while yet others are brash, even borderline offensive… and we love them for it.

So why is humor so important to charm? It’s the way that it makes people feel. Charm is all about making the other person feel good in your presence. Laughter releases muscle tension in the body, leaving you feeling relaxed calm while also releasing endorphins in the brain. If you’re able to make a woman laugh, you’re able to make her feel good… and she’s going to associate that feeling with being in your presence.

A good sense of humor is also a reliable indicator of intelligence; after all, most humor – even puns – is intellectual in nature. Even pratfalls and low-brow humor require a strong sense of comedic timing and being able to gauge the social appropriateness of the situation. Plus: being able to understand the proper time and place for different forms of humor is a sign of finely tuned social calibration.

This is why you can’t just knock-knock joke your way into somebody’s pants; it’s all about knowing when and how to use humor. Someone who tells jokes all the time quickly becomes tedious, while somebody who makes an ill-timed or especially poorly-chosen joke comes off as an asshole.

The line between someone being charmingly funny and trying too hard – or worse, being painfully unfunny – is a very thin one that requires careful social calibration. Adversarial flirting and banter, for example, requires that you clearly signal non-verbally that this is intended to be playful and fun, rather than actually insulting the other person. Cocky-funny and negging, on the other hand, are designed to insult the other person and demonstrate your supposed superiority; this is neither attractive, nor particularly charming. Even offensive or uncomfortable humor has its place – one of the sex-gettingest men I know can say the most shockingly outrageous things and have the entire room eating out of his hand – but you have to be unto a damn surgeon, socially, in order to use it without coming across like a shithead who watched too many Tosh 2.0 comedy specials.

Develop Your Presence

The final part of charm is to utilize your presence. We often talk about people who feel larger than life, or who have us riveted. These people have presence.

We like people who like us… and the ability to make you feel liked is one of the keys of being charming. Charming people have a way of making you feel like the most important person in the world. They give you their full attention and give you the impression that not only are they hanging on your every word, they’re finding absolutely everything you have to say fascinating. Whether you love him, hate him or think he’s a couch-jumping nut-job, Tom Cruise has made a career out of being almost unbelievably charming… and much of that is in his sense of sheer presence. Everyone who has met him will tell you that when you talk to him, he makes you feel as though you’re the only person in the room and he’s absolutely riveted by what you have to say… no matter how banal, obscure or simply mundane.

 

The first and most important way of using presence is simply to give someone your full attention. This is not an example of that.

The first and most important way of using presence is simply to give someone your full attention. This is not an example of that.

 

The first and most important way of using presence is simply to give someone your full attention. This means not being distracted by the people around you – unless you’re both making a point of people-watching – or letting the TV at the bar drag your eyes away. And for fuck’s sake do not fiddle with your goddamn smartphone. Smartphones are distraction devices that will ruin any attempt to build a sense of presence when you’re with somebody. Do not check your texts. Do not check your email. Do not even check2  to see who is calling. Mute it, put it into Do Not Disturb mode, leave it in the goddamn car but do not let it interrupt your conversation. Having it with you – or worse, having it on the fucking table in front of you – tells the other person that they don’t have your full and undivided attention.

The next way that you develop presence is to indicate that you’re actually paying attention. There are many ways of doing this – countless non-verbal signs like nodding your head and “go on, I’m listening” sounds, for example – but the most powerful is to be an active listener. Making a point to ask questions about the things that she’s telling you, especially if you use her choice of words or phrasing, makes it abundantly clear that not only are you paying attention but that you’re making a point to engage with her, not just passively absorbing her words like a sponge. Even just repeating the last couple of words back in an intrigued, questioning tone can build and signal your interest in what she has to say.

It’s about more than just listening though, it’s about acknowledging and connecting with her when it’s your turn to talk. When you’re sharing stories, you want to make sure that you perform what are known as “check-ins”, little verbal signs that you care about her interest. The simplest way to check in while you’re speaking is to actively include her by saying “you know what that’s like, right?” or a “Have you ever felt something like this? Check this out…” It ensures that you’re remaining present in the conversation with her, not just slipping off into lecture mode without caring about her input or interest.

Once you have their attention and you’ve learned how to make them feel incredible, you’ll notice that they will start to want to impress you and start trying to display their best selves. It’s an electric, intense feeling; they’ll feel inspired by you and, in turn, want to charm you back. And when you’ve mastered the art of charm, you’ll find that it will start to come naturally… and you’ll be that person who people will tell their friends is the most electrifying, magnetic and fascinating man they’ve ever known.

Photos: [main] zoetnet / flickr, [charming] topgold / flickr,  [on your mind] mando2003us / flickr [phone date] Ding Yuin Shan / Flickr

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About Harris O'Malley

Harris O'Malley provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, as well as writing the occasional guest review for Spill.com and appearing on the podcast The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and Twitter (@DrNerdLove.)

Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor.

Comments

  1. Georgianna says:

    This is a well thought out analysis. Although you have written this for a guy trying to charm women, I think it could work for anyone. I personally like to think of a couple entertaining stories of recent things that have happened in my life before I go to a social event. What is your advice for charmingly disengaging from someone you no longer want to talk to at a party?

    • Say you want to check out the dessert table or get a drink or that you have to go to the powder room… Have your friends check on you from time to time and interrupt if it looks like you are getting bored…. Ask for the person’s business card and then say there is somebody that you want to say hello to….

    • “This is a well thought out analysis. Although you have written this for a guy trying to charm women, I think it could work for anyone. Yesindeedee.

  2. Joel Ferris says:

    Hmmm….
    Not that every item in the how-to isn’t on point, but MAN, that seems like a lot of work. And a lot of acting!
    I’ve been called “charming” a couple of times. It was revelatory… and kinda strange. I don’t think of myself in that way. “Charming” carries with it a certain Master Of Ceremonies stigma; a mantle handed down by Carey Grant and Jack Lemmon, to be worn with poise and dignity. That’s a lot to live up to. And a lot of work!
    I’m just a nice guy — the kind that frequently finishes last — and I can live with that. I make it a point to give every person with whom I come into contact the opportunity, at least once in his or her crappy day, to let out a good hearty laugh, or at least enjoy an honest smile. I’ve been on THAT side of the cash register, suffered through patrons who refuse to be satisfied, stared down the barrel of a grumpy boss or two… or ten… For me, “Charming” is not a practice, not a ploy; it’s the Golden Rule. Treating people the way you’d like to be treated, being good to people because you want to be good to people beats the heck out of being the life of the party or all things to everyone. A genuine empathy and caring trumps a song and dance any day of the week.
    Encouraging people to loosen up their apprehensions, to expand their bubbles, is a good thing. However, to me, practicing new behaviors that might not match up with what’s really inside a person seems… I don’t want to say dishonest… disingenuous? I’m a goof and a spaz, and I like to make people laugh. That’s simply because I’ve never been diagnosed with ADHD. I am who I am, and that’s all anyone really needs to be.

    What was it Groucho said? “I’d never join a club that would have someone like me as a member.”

    • Anonymous says:

      Well said! You are charming, sir, in the true sense of the word: Because you are a caring individual.

      Thank you for posting!

      Kris

  3. Eduardo García says:

    Mr. O’Malley

    I applaude you, sir. Like a standing slow applause waiting for others to join in applause.

    Charming and engaging is not a talent, it is a skill and a concienciously active attitude. You choose to be charming. People might complain that it take alot of energy and effort. So does Pool when you start. At first you have to look at every angle and every option, and the resulting angles and options after the shot. Interestingly enough, after a while, you do that automatically, without having to even think about it.

    • @Eduardo Garcia,

      “Charming and engaging is not a talent, it is a skill and a conscientiously active attitude.”

      You sir are 100% correct!. I grew up in the Deep South. We are all freindly. The men are taught to be charming and to act like a gentleman. I have never met a stranger. I talk to everyone!

      When you have done this for 30-40 years in life, it is automatic.

      With the growing de-socialization of American culture, sometimes I stand out like a sore thumb. I go to two different bars each week. Instead of people having their drinks and chatting it up, now they are having their drinks and texting away. Often heads down playing with smartphones….No much conversation as in previous years. Sad.

  4. Being a charmer has it’s time and place.
    Charmers seek attention throwing it out there to bait whatever bites.
    Having intense emotional connections with women friends is a downfall if a new woman comes on the scene. The history he’s created with these friends will come first and sometimes he would allow them to judge if the new gal is suitable. This is when boundaries need to be drawn. And when the g/f draws them she’ll be doing it resentfully since she didn’t sign up to date two or three people but one and it was something he should have taken care of on his own accord.
    Sometimes it’s hard for the charmer to let go of emotional connections with women as that’s all he ever had when single. And being single he played the friend role well but many women can see when a male friend acts like a boyfriend more than a friend and charmers act like boyfriends-in-the-making.
    To date one, a charmer tests the waters to see who else might bite, a way of keeping his options open. Sometimes using his charm as a weapon to keep a g/f in line to put up with his constant flirting, he seemingly gives the impression he is still available to others (married or not). If the charmer has all these emotional connections, what differentiates his emotional tied-in friends from the g/f other than he’s sexing the g/f and spreading himself thin by being emotionally involved with several other women? A red flag that this one is an emotionally immature type of charmer.
    The one warning I give the g/f(s) is that you will be taking on loads of emotional baggage when you hook up with a charmer as he can’t shake old habits from being single. Some of these charmers use the line, “I’m not emotionally available” when some authentic romantic interest comes along as he’s too tied into a history of seeding his emotions into many other women and maintaining those connections as it feeds his ego and he’s getting the attention from women, any woman, since he doesn’t have a woman of his own.
    Many of these women who are emotionally connected to, say, your new b/f will not be eager to give up the friend-charmer for fear of losing the emotional support given them through the years when he was single and available at a whim. Such tight connections will show an ugly side, the side where the female friends of the charmer will hold the charmer to account with false hopes of something more. Sabotaging his desire to build a life with someone because they’re the ones who have a history. Many times the charmer thinks the friendly but strong emotional connection he has with his female friends took a new turn for them to show their true feelings for him NOW that he has a new romance blossoming. Even a hint of interest from the female friends, he’ll forfeit something new for it and when he does and is on the market again, the female friend goes back to being just that, a friend who just needs someone to call late at night when emotionally distraught.
    He plays a balancing act that no matter what side of the fence a woman sits on, every one of them knows how to play, knows how he plays, and in the end, he gets played and love delayed.

    • Tosh, it sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences with charmers. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m not sure that charming = emotionally unavailable though. Perhaps you’re making a distinction between being a player (who often is charming) and the trait of being charming. I don’t think there is any shame in being charming, and I don’t see any place where it would be unwelcome, as long as honesty is a core value. Being charming does not necessitate a compromise between honesty and people liking you; that kind of charm starts to ring hollow pretty darn quickly. I definitely know people like the one you’ve described, and I also know many people who are genuinely charming and have intense emotional connections with people of either gender without compromising the boundaries of their intimate relationships.

    • Nick Jurczak says:

      What you describe sounds more like someone who is a manipulator (uses charm for the benefit of himself and himself only) or someone who has been burned one too many times and in the end has a negative charm. They have the ability to be truly charming but rather than use it positively they use it to spread their own misery. A charming person is someone who is charming to everyone, uses tact in situations, etc. without feeling the need to get anything out of it. They don’t talk to women/men for the strict purpose of getting laid or dating them but for the purpose that they are kind and want to talk to people.

      I have two roommates. One of them is relatively charming. He smiles and talks to people not because he is getting something out of it but because he likes to talk to people. He acts more than friendly with people, even those who are taken, but it is because he wants to be friendly with those people and be liked by those people. The other roommate is an overly negative person who feels he needs to be guarded all the time because he has been burned one too many times. He’s afraid to speak because he’s afraid of seeming stupid or insulting. He also feels like those who have burned him seem to owe him something for trying so damn hard for talking to them. Think about the differences between the two people.

  5. This isn’t a very good how to. I could say a lot more but these two stick out for me:

    Be funny? Where is the how to instructions in this? You can develop humour, but you’ve given no indication how to do this or given any resources.

    Your ‘Presence how to’ is way off the mark. If a guy is stuck in his head (as a lot of guys are), telling him to put 100% of his attention on someone is not going to have him feeling present and increase his magnetism – and what you describe comes across a lot more like manipulation than actual presence – i.e. genuinely giving a s#&t. Presence comes from self awareness, not other awareness.

    • doubleyourdating.com Seriously, dude – trust me on this one. The author spends a lot of time on humor. Did wonders for my marriage almost overnight. You’ll thank me.

  6. Not to be a negative Nancy, but this article seems totally unhelpful. I must say, I do all of the stuff on the list already I don’t think anyone would describe me as charming. Also, you can’t learn to be funny. People might be able to learn to better form connections by following some of these guidelines, but I don’t think it will help anyone learn to be charming. Sorry :/

  7. This is a lovely post. I think it works for men and women on a number of levels. After all, we all do like happy people. I am curious though, we know that humour works quite well for men. How does it work on the other side? Do men find funny women charming? Is it intimidating?

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