Heather Gray shares 7 straightforward strategies to keep your marriage alive in spite of depression.
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Being depressed and married can feel like a suffocating prison. You’re miserable, maybe angry, and wholly unmotivated to do anything or connect with anyone. The person you love most in the world is staring at you with that look on her face. She may have tears in her eyes as she silently (or loudly!) pleads with you to please come back.
You. Just. Can’t. Do. It. Anymore.
There she sits. Just waiting for you. Waiting for you to do better. Waiting for you to be better.
There’s no way of explaining yourself. You love her, yes, but date night has no appeal. Simply leaving the house might sound like a hellish idea. Conversations are stilted and painful. You’ll do anything to avoid that awkward silence that hits the moment the lights go out as you two settle for bed. Maybe you’ll avoid going to bed at the same time. Another disconnect.
It’s like you’ve become a bigger failure and have sunk into a deeper hole with the mere flip of a light switch.
You know you’re depressed. On top of it, all you feel, see, and hear is her disappointment, worry, anger, or resentment.
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Here’s the thing, guys: She only seems to be directing all of her anger, sadness, and disappointment at you because she doesn’t understand and she’s desperate to. She wants to reach out and comfort you but she doesn’t know how. When nurturance and patience don’t work, she’ll resort to picking fights just to get a reaction out of you. Sometimes, she’ll just quietly go away.
You see, when women don’t understand the changes in their husbands, they create stories in their heads about what’s going on and they imagine all kinds of awful things. They might think of you as selfish. They may feel you’ve abandoned them. They wonder if your moodiness means something’s wrong with them. They imagine another woman in your life. They fear you‘ve lost interest in them.
Their inability to comfort you feels like their own personal failure. They read your distance as abandonment, even though you are likely keeping your distance to protect them and spare them from this darkness lurking in you. They don’t know or understand that you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
You either go radio silent or react with defensiveness. You experience their hurt and confusion as an attack. You don’t feel supported and end up feeling more isolated.
Untreated depression erodes relationships, breaks down families, and wrecks marriages.
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One or both of you starts to shut down, act out, and/or disengage. What started out as your depression has become a marital crisis and you don’t know how you got here.
You love your wife and want to protect her from your pain and darkness but your energy is zapped and you don’t feel capable of all that much. That’s ok. We’re going to take this a few steps at a time.
Now, here’s where to start:
- You Don’t Have to Talk About It But You Have to Talk. When women are depressed, they usually can tell you why. They can name all of their stressors, thoughts, and feelings. Depression is different in men. It’s more like a dead weight that just presses down on your shoulders. You don’t know where it came from or why it’s there. Your wife can ask you a thousand times and in several different ways “What’s wrong?” and it can be totally true and accurate when you say “Nothing” or “I don’t know”. She’ll be confused, of course, because she can’t relate to that. To not wreck your marriage, you have to give her a little bit more. You have to give up on the notion of protecting her from your pain. There’s just no way of doing that and keep your marriage intact.
- Acknowledge that you know your mood has shifted. She’s not crazy and it’s not in her imagination but remember, when you don’t offer an explanation, she makes up stories. You can say something like “I know I haven’t been myself lately. I haven’t felt much like talking. Not sure what’s going on, really.”
- Reassure her that the problem isn’t her. Unless you say these words out loud, she has no way of knowing that and she will assume the problem is her. If you suspect or know that some of your sadness is coming from dissatisfaction in your relationship, you’ll have to say something at some point. Until then, you can say something like “I haven’t figured out all of the pieces yet but when I do, we’ll talk.”
- Validate her experience. You know it wouldn’t be easy bearing witness to her depression. No one wants to see their loved on in pain. If you validate her experience, you are staying connected to her. You can simply say something like: “I know it isn’t easy to be around me these days. It’s hard to be around someone who isn’t happy.”
- Love your wife (and yourself!) enough to take care of yourself. Depression robs you of energy and kills your motivation. You don’t feel like yourself and that can make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. You don’t understand what’s going on with you. You just feel uncomfortable in your own skin. If you can’t explain this to yourself, how do you explain it to someone else? You’re never going to want to but you have to try. See your doctor. Explain what’s going on as best you can. There may very well be a medical reason for the shift in your mood or energy and it’s important to rule that out. Depression literally depresses your body systems so you’re going to need more sleep. Take it but no more than an extra hour and a half. Drink plenty of water. Depression can be dehydrating. Remember that alcohol is a depressant and try to keep an eye on how much you’re consuming.
- Addressing your depression is non-negotiable. Let’s face it. Anything I suggest here, you’re not going to want to do. That, after all, is the whole problem! You’re not going to want to do anything, but you have to try anyway. Depression is like a cancer that is hitting you and your family. If you had cancer, you’d have to treat it. Untreated depression erodes relationships, breaks down families, and wrecks marriages. Consider therapy. Try exercising, even though you’re not in the mood. If talking about it is too painful, write about it. If you’re the creative type, maybe start a project. Try reading other men’s blogs about their journey with depression. Solutions aren’t one size fits all. Find the one that works for you, but you need a plan to beat this thing. It won’t go away on its own.
- Do what you can. Acknowledge what you can’t. Your depression makes it hard for you to know what you need and it’s even harder to express those needs. You may need to numb out for a while. You may need to disconnect with the internet, video games, television, or sports. That’s fine and understandable. However, you have to include your wife in this. If you don’t, she goes off and running with her stories and gets mad that you’ve just checked out. You have to say something like “I know we usually do something together on Saturday mornings but I’m just not feeling it. I just need some time to myself for a little while. Can we maybe just meet up for lunch?” If you check in on needs, and set end times, it will be easier for your wife to meet your needs. It’s the total numbing out for hours and hours without explanation or consideration of her that damages your relationship.
With just these few first steps, you are already preserving your marriage. You know there are more steps to follow. That’s ok. You’ve got this.
This article is part 1 of a 2 part series on navigating depression in a marriage. Click here for part 2!
Editor’s Note: You may notice that the title of this article has been changed from How to Be Depressed and Not Wreck Your Marriage to How to Be Depressed and Not Lose Your Marriage. The original title was meant to reflect the devastating effects that depression can have on the relationships that are most important to us. The title change has been made in order to clarify that losing one’s marriage can be a consequence of depression and in order to clarify that the depression rather than the person suffering from it should be blamed.
It is our hope that this article will provide men and women whose relationships are suffering as a result of depression, and who wish to preserve those relationships, with practical steps to further that goal.
Want to read and learn more from Heather Gray? Follow her blog!
Image: Tim Evanson/Flickr (image resized and cropped)
I recently went through a big break-up with my now ex-fiancee. At some point during the relationship my mind just turned off and I couldn’t get excited about much anymore. I wasn’t able to communicate what was wrong and I wasn’t willing to seek the help I so desperately needed to keep our relationship alive. I wish I had seen this article earlier than I did. I am grateful for the information here though. Dealing with depression on a day to day basis is taxing and it takes a lot of effort to communicate that to the people you love… Read more »
I’m also replying as someone who has battled clinical depression periodically since puberty, and as someone who had a clinically depressed spouse. My own personal experience, as well as people I’ve met in support groups, was that women are less likely than men to have that alternating anger and withdrawal as major symptoms. My anecdotal experience was also that women were more likely to seek treatment because of the the people in her life who depended on her: spouse/SO, children, etc. Conversely, the men were more likely to distance themselves and resent their spouses/SOs and children. I don’t know if… Read more »
Hi Marie. I’ve been on your side of the tracks. I realize you already know you’re not alone but thought to reinforce it. Thanks for sharing; and you are absolutely right about situational depression appearing in the non-depressed spouse after years of this exposure. Both Heather Gray and Dr. Jed Diamond offer numerous articles with practical and direct advice backed by years of experience. (Thank you). At the end of the day, you cannot help a person that will not help themselves so I fully stand by your comment of self-care to the supporting spouses. To other readers I would… Read more »
When women are upset, we can tell you why, as we can name our thoughts, feelings and stressors. When women are depressed we’re in exactly the same boat you are. The difference between sadness and a mental illness is something everyone in my life falls short of understanding, which sucks a whole lot.
My soon-to-be-ex has ADD, and I suspect, depression or even OCD (he’s a hoarder), but he chose to go behind my back to seek medication. I tried to talk about the ADD with him, and he lied to my face, saying he was going to get counseling instead of pills. What really gets my goat is the fact that I wasn’t even against him seeking medicine for treatment – he manufactured it all in his head. But, that’s not even the worst of it. He talked about the neurologist and his Ritalin with my best friend without me knowing it.… Read more »
So you are telling the man who is depressed, who already feels like he has failed, that he now has this new set of things he has to do, in order to make things better? if the guy was ‘simply’ feeling depressed or was ‘simply’ not connecting well, these would be fine, but for a guy who is in depression, struggling to find a reason to get out of bed and take a shower, adding this new list is not going to be effective…. And this: “I understand that it can be hard for people who are depressed to hear… Read more »
Very well put, Warren. You get it.
I think you’re putting to much pressure on the depressed person. As a woman who’s been depressed (although, according to your description I had “male” depression), the depression is overwhelming. I think the main step is to acknowledge the depression and get professional help (therapy, meds, etc.) If you get diagnosed with clinical depression, your wife needs to read up on it and cope until you start to improve. You shouldn’t have to comfort her and let her know it’s not her fault, etc. And exercising or starting any kind of project just isn’t going to happen. I feel like… Read more »
its up to the depressed person to seek help…as the spouse of a man who battles this crippling disease, there is no support out there for the spouse. let me tell you it is JUST AS hard having to comfort, convince and handle a depressed spouse. it is energy draining. i have stood by mine for nearly a year and read up everything on the illness. i have been nothing but patient, understanding and supportive. I have coped but i love my husband and fully believe its my duty to support him in sickness and health. but just ‘expecting’ the… Read more »
What if staying married is actually in the best interest of either party and trying to save marriage over self is part of the problem?
That should have said “what if NOT staying married is in the best interest…..”
TL;DR
What if the problem is her? Or are you only speaking to clinical depression and not including situational depression?
Hi, Cornelius. I think the answers are the same for situational depression. I mention in that section that if the problem is her and dissatisfaction with the relationship, that guys may not be able to talk about it in those initial stages. I tried to open the idea to talking about it after he has taken some care of himself. Hope that helps. Thanks for asking for clarification.
Cornelius, I think that sounds like a marital problem, which would be different than a clinical depression.
“You may need to numb out for a while…”
Gr
Great article….I don’t know what works for other people, but the above tips did help me when I got down after my diagnosis and decided to have surgery….my face would feel numb and I mentally slowed down….I really had to force myself out into the world: to the gym, to the office, to my son’s school, to lunch with my friends…just to stimulate myself in new ways….sometimes just rubbing my cheek against my son’s or running on the treadmill for 15 minutes gave me an instant high that helped get out of my funk…. It’s an ongoing process…I am much… Read more »
Nice work in blaming the victim
Sorry, M, to know that’s the way you read it. Certainly not my intent in writing this. I understand that it can be hard for people who are depressed to hear and know that they still have responsibilities to their spouses. They don’t get to not include their spouse in the situation and expect the relationship to be preserved.
And what we’re trying to tell you is that we’re not *NOT* involving our spouses. We’re just not able to suck it up and pretend nothing is wrong, and *THAT* is what our spouses seem to want. I’ve tried most of your steps above, and still had two marriages crumble, because living in a house with a depressed person is not easy, and to be frank, women can’t handle it. I read a study somewhere that said when a man is in a relationship with a depressed woman, he generally stays with her, but when a woman is in a… Read more »
I’m sorry you’re in pain. My husband also struggles with depression. It is incredibly hard for him and I see that in his every movement, but it is also incredibly hard for me, at 31 years of age, to be a caretaker for my spouse. And trust me, I am. He’s very sick with this. So coming from the place where I am, I don’t appreciate hearing ‘women can’t handle it.’ This is hard. I have to take it one day at a time, because I don’t know how to take all the days at once when they’re this heavy.… Read more »
Michelle I applaud you for your efforts. As for Liam’s comment re: men/women staying or going… That seems to be a common thread throughout marriage discussion, wouldn’t you say? That Men will stay in “unhappy” marriages. If it’s to be accepted that women are the more emotional or sensitive of the sexes (not saying I agree with that sentiment) then therefore it would follow that they want a partner that is an equal participant in the relationship. Because that’s what marriage is – a relationship. The ultimate one. It’s not security. It’s not financial. For the women leaving men they… Read more »
This may be of interest to some readers;
I am a doctoral candidate in Counseling Psychology currently recruiting participants for a study on Stay-at-Home Fathers, depression, and help seeking. This growing role has been relatively understudied, and while evidence suggests these individuals are doing relatively well (psychologically), they may also be isolated, marginalized, and less able/willing to seek help when needed.
If any SAHFs are interested in participating in research, please see the notice here;
http://www.billcaperton.com/?p=54
Nick, I am not talking about you involving anyone in your depression other than someone you may have committed to in partnership so there’s no “people” in my discussion. Just a partner . Sure, caring about that person’s feelings is a choice and you don’t have to choose that. However, choosing not to include a partner in your illness risks the relationship, one that you may not wish to see as a casualty of your depression. I get that the idea of considering someone else’s feelings while depressed is exhausting and why you might resent it. That’s why I tried… Read more »
Heather, thanks for raising these important issues. I’ve been on both sides of depression. I’ve had a depressed partner who often acted angry the blaming when she was depressed. I’ve suffered major depression myself and felt that my partner went out of her way to do things that made the problem worse. I’ve also been a therapist for more than 40 years treating depression in men and women. I think that both men and women have to understand some things about depression. First, men and women often express their pain in different ways. Women often “act in” their depression. They… Read more »
Jed, Thanks for jumping in. Absolutely, men need to experience acceptance and nurturance from their wives in order to talk. However, the wives can’t be expected to magically know their husband is depressed without some word or acknowledgment from him. That’s what I was getting at. He’s not going to be able to talk about “it” right away but he has to tell her something or else she will be less than supportive as she concocts reasons for why he’s suddenly tuned out. It was my hope to provide first steps for managing their mood and their marriage. Talking about… Read more »
Trust me, all of my wives and girlfriends have known I suffer from depression. And they all know what it looks like.
Communicating *THAT* I’m depressed has not been the issue. Being expected to “just ignore that broken leg and get up and dance with the rest of us”, even after I’ve expressed the existence of the current depression is the problem.
In other words, you have an illness and it is your job to make other people feel okay about that. I am damn tired of having to walk on eggshells to spare other peoples’ feelings about my depression.
Actually, I think that’s the point- QUIT walking on eggshells, and man up and be honest about your feelings, even if you don’t know WHAT exactly is bothering you. In a relationship, it’s not all about you. The other person has feelings and fears and worries too, and if she’s committed her life to you, she’s worried about you. She’s worried about your life together, probably about your kids, and about your future. Yes, some of that is selfish- she’s probably worried about what HER life will be like, living with someone who struggles with depression, but if she’s a… Read more »
Well, I guess you are a better person than me. Thank you for calling me a victim and supposing that I am mired in self pity. I doubt you have depression because your response is so over the top condescending. Walk on eggshells: I hesitate to tell loved ones I have suicidal thoughts because the conversation becomes about their fears and worries and I am left having to expend what little emotional energy I have in comforting them. I hesitate to tell loved ones about depressed thoughts because they assume that I can just go take a walk and make… Read more »
I agree with Nick. Plus, some of these suggestions do not seem particularly plausible, along the lines of writing an article called “How to be a paraplegic and not lose your marriage” and suggesting that you “still go on short walks with your wife”. Telling us we still “have to talk” is not understanding depression, or at least, not understanding mine, for several reasons. First, I have to work. I have to support my family, and I can’t not talk and I can’t act depressed while at work. So I spend the whole day “on”. I put on my fake… Read more »
Oh, also, “Addressing your depression is non-negotiable” makes me want to respond with a well known curse phrase, because I’ve BEEN addressing it. My whole life. I have found nothing that helps, I’ve taken a series of drugs which had side effects but did nothing for the depression. I’ve been through years of therapy, I’ve had TMS treatments. I’ve tried and tried and tried. And I *HAVE* addressed my depression by figuring out coping strategies that keep me going to work and getting the stuff done that has to get done, not spending my life in bed and/or losing job… Read more »