Married sex doesn’t have to be restricted to Saturday nights.
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I heard him pad softly into the room mere minutes after I had shut off the light. I held still. As he climbed into bed I felt myself involuntarily stiffen then relax as his chaste cheek kiss meant I didn’t need to worry about having sex tonight.
He asked for so little from me. None of it through words, but a physical appeal, and I had been rebuffing him for an unreasonably long time.
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Steve and I were a fair way past the honeymoon period with two small ubiquitous boys.
I felt a vague sense of guilt about my physical withdrawal from my husband but I soothed it by talking to friends over wine and tea. They were tired too, they were nursing and snuggling and tending to kids. They were stretched literally and figuratively. We excused each other. Our bodies were not our own, but neither were they our husband’s.
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The next morning Steve was making us family brunch with both boys underfoot when I came downstairs after sleeping in. Usually, he played records and worked at the griddle, frying pan and cutting board at once. The silence registered in the back of my mind as I slipped my arms around him for a front to back hug. It was his turn to stiffen. Moving around the island I hopped up on our custom cherry stools and started picking at the raspberries that he had begun spooning out on the plates.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him. It wasn’t with tenderness, but closer to an accusation. I knew what was wrong.. He asked for so little from me. None of it through words, but a physical appeal, and I had been rebuffing him for an unreasonably long time. Instead of apologizing, or leading him upstairs to really apologize I picked a fight; going on the offensive was a lot easier than dealing with the reality of our shrinking sex life.
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“I can’t believe you are pissed at me. You know how tired I have been, it is totally unfair to be angry because I wouldn’t have sex with you last night.”
“It’s not that…” Here he trailed off. I was just revving up, gaining ammunition. He never talks to me about what he is feeling, blah blah. Somehow I didn’t move forward with my next line of attack. I saw the slump of his shoulders as he flipped the pancakes that he made from scratch without his usual flair. I could do it, I could beat him down until he was left apologizing to me, but this time I didn’t.
It doesn’t seem fair that I justified withholding sex for days or weeks at a time. I would never accept a husband who ignored my attempts at conversation for a week.
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I had expectations for him as a father and as a husband. I wanted him to work full time, do the majority of the cooking, tickle and toss our kids, take out the trash, and listen patiently as I ranted about how obsessed everyone was with strollers. I felt entitled to a Sherpa, a chef, and a cheerleader.
What did he want from me? It was a short list. To feel as though he could make me happy. Secondarily he wanted to be satisfied in bed.
That was something I could give him.
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I know the catalyst to connection for my husband is sex. For me it is conversation. It doesn’t seem fair that I justified withholding sex for days or weeks at a time. I would never accept a husband who ignored my attempts at conversation for a week. That would be ridiculous. I ignored my friends’ assertion that sex on Saturdays was all we needed to offer. I silently set myself the goal of sex five times a week.
To make it easier to get started I decided I would call these more frequent sexual interludes “quickies” requiring less intense attention to timing, mood setting and foreplay. A sort of in and out if you will. I would shut the door while the kids were watching TV and lead him into the bathroom. I set my alarm 5 minutes early and woke him naked. We decided to include a vibrator in our every day sex, ensuring that we could both be satisfied in a reasonable amount of time.
Seven years later, we have sex 5 to 7 times a week. Nothing like the tangled sheets of our early days, but from what I can tell from book club far more than our peers.
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He feels the kind connections that he craves. He looks at me with love, strokes my hair and asks me questions. For less than thirty minutes a day I have my chef and Sherpa. Beyond that I have a friend and supporter whose physical affection I no longer rebuke. I also have orgasms at the hand of my husband, and that makes us both happy.
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Photo: Getty
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I always cringe when I read about women confirming their low interest in sex with one another. Is it really a women thing or is it a cultural thing? A friend once told me that any time she picks up a creative project her sexual energy drops off. I have always experienced sex, art, and exercise as a supply and demand sort of deal; stronger muscles, flowing fluids, inspiration, memories playing in the mind… all working together building momentum and appetite. I think you found that, though you didn’t really say if you had come to love it. I only… Read more »
I don’t know, Anna. This doesn’t address the reason for sex so much as it does the modern technocracy of it. The technique, so to speak.
Also, you assume much of what females see on billboards and magazine pages, namely, that males are entitled to sex and marriage is one way to get it. I’d be more interested in learning about how passion can be sustained for a person who incapable of communicating at a more advanced level than a Maltese poodle.
Is that a knock on Maltese poodles? 😉 Of course sexual intimacy is a lot more nuanced than my piece above addresses. I would guess that the actual poodle might bring more passion than a poodle-level partner. It takes a lot of work to stay connected inside and outside of the bedroom. My husband and I both work from home so we have an instant advantage that allows us to take walks in the morning, grab a lunching without planning it and of course work in some afternoon delight.
Hi, good to hear about your turn-around.
Just don’t let your friends in on the secret, though… 😉
Well put!!! We so easily forget what makes the other half tick. You have motivated me to remember what is important in my relationship–Thank You!
Spot on! So much wasted effort in not doing it. What’s being in the mood got to do with it anyway.
As everyone’s communication with their significant other differs, this article really hits that give and take that each and everyone of else demands within our relationship. The balancing act that starts way before having any kids at all but I am sure starting the trend now will ensure a lifetime of happiness. Being honest and open is our policy but not everything needs to be discussed as hitting the sheets is a sure way to make sure that no built up tension illuminates an unwanted argument over something as silly as who is going to switch the laundry.
Touche! I do expect conversation and would be upset if he refused to talk for weeks on end. I’ve also found that it isn’t always about being in the mood. Often the mood takes over if you’re just open to it. Excellent!
Love, sex and conversation… Its so simple thank you for the reminder!
Oof. Got a 9 month old in our house and this is some advice we could certainly take. I could use more sex and less processing! Love this.
I wish I had something constructive to comment with being childfree and single. At least you’re getting/giving some action – quotas or not. Being conscious of it and not letting it sit there like the elephant in the room. Singletown (especially now on a farm) is not the sausage fest Cosmo leads everyone to believe. Although during those mostly sh!t-eating episodes w my most recent man, action was good ’n plenty and the only positive mementos left in the ruins. The only thing I never had to ponder regarding frequency or quality. Should I ever come face to face with… Read more »
Love this – super insightful and honest!
Well thanks. Honesty is a good place to start. It may turn some people off, but that’s not always a bad thing. Unless it is your partner.
Hear, hear! Partnership is such a two-way street, and people connect in different ways. There’re many kinds of intimacy – staying close to your spouse/partner isn’t a question of winning the Peloponnesian war, but figuring out how to make sure everyone stays happy. And sex is good for you – science told me that!
Agreed…and science is always the cherry on the sundae