Trying to stay sober during sports season while it seems like everyone around you is drinking? Ryan Bell has a plan.
I see a football player dive for a catch, stretching ligaments in ways that would put me in a hospital… or shock. I sit in a C-shaped huddle over my third tiny paper plate of chips, mac & cheese and gloriously ranch-slathered buffalo wings and ponder the turns in my life that would have led me to athletic stardom. At this moment my body is a sausage casing filled with nitrates, nacho flavoring, imitation bacon bits, whichever fat that’s bad (I’m too lazy to look), “French” dips that originated in Alabama, artificially flavored everything and, for some odd reason, birthday cake. There’s not been mention of a birthday here at all.
Yes, I enjoy the finer things.
Except for alcohol.
I’m the sober guy.
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Sporting events are one of the world’s most wonderful excuses to drink BUT… I’ve had so much more fun at sporting events since I quit drinking. It took me a while but I learned that I can be sober as Mr. Rogers around my buddies when we’re watching football, tailgating, in the stadium, at Buffalo Wild Wing’s or at a house party and it’s no big deal. In fact, there are so many wonderful benefits that I’d like to share with you.
Here’s your guide to having a sober game day!
The Got It Game: The red cups that everyone drinks out of hold water just as well as they hold beer. Write your name on it. If you have something in your hand, you’re less likely to be offered a drink.
If I need my hands free, I have a trick I like to call “The Statue”. I put a cup of water on a shelf that’s visible and when someone asks if I need a drink I point to it and tell them that I’m “all good”. This works on the constant.
You’ve Earned It: I tell myself that beer calories are worse than snack calories and then I fill up the tiny paper plate for the third time.
Hey, I’m here to party just like everyone else. If my definition of party is eating an extra few dozen wings (oh man… wings!) then I’m going to suck some bones dry like a Dyson mated with an Arizona vulture.
One of the awesome things about sobriety is that my weight stays down to a wonderful 190. As a 6’2 writer that’s pretty darn svelte.
Getting Healthy Time: This is totally not my brand, but it’s the most legitimate excuse in the world that doesn’t get pushback. My brand is more Ben & Jerry’s than Jenny Craig, but I’ll still share this golden goose with you.
“Nope, I can’t drink. Jeans are getting snug.”
“I’m a [insert exercise thing here]” (This is guaranteed to get fewer people to talk to you, unless it’s their thing too, so use this carefully.)
“Nope. It’s a “no drinking day” for me.” Or a health day. Or some other “day”.
Bonus Tip: I never say “Oh man, I wish!” or anything that weakens what I’m doing. I like to be succinct and sufficient in a friendly way. The key is to close the door to drinking completely wherever you are.
Have Fun: As the sober guy I goof off… tons. There’s no rule that you can’t play corn hole without a beer. I’ve found that the kids are usually doing much cooler things than the adults so I’ll play horseshoes or be the hoop in a slam dunk contest. Gotta work off those damn wings somehow. You’ll find out quick that you can throw a ball or jump in a pool or zap aliens on a big screen pretty well sober.
Keep Your Hands Busy: Believe it or not I’m pretty popular because I always want to help. I love setting up the grill, being in the kitchen… whatever. There are two main times that I’m offered an alcoholic beverage:
- When I arrive at a party
- When I look bored
If I’ve got my hands full or I’m moving around or I’m going to the store to get ice then nobody’s offering me beer. If I’m moping around or hiding in a corner looking like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice then someone is going to shove drinks in my face.
Do-Si-Do: It’s so nice to have a sober partner to go with. This is the guy or girl that, for whatever reason, wants to be sober too. Trust me, the later the party gets the more you’re going to want someone to talk to that’s on your level (your level is awesome by the way).
I don’t bring a partner any longer because I know that I’ll be able to find one.
Designated Driving: Nobody wants to lose their ride. Be the guy or girl that can run to pick up the pizza or that can pick up Brad’s little brother who didn’t get a ride. There’s no better friend than the one that keeps you out of jail.
There are so many bonuses here that it will blow your mind. Some venues give free food (are you noticing a trend here?), folks give me gas money (I drive an electric car), you’re in charge of when you leave and, best of all, I love knowing that I’ve potentially saved some lives.
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One day you’ll see me at the party or the tailgate and you’ll think, “I wonder what that guy’s story is…”
I’ll be dunking a basketball on an 8’ goal with one hand and downing a Capri Sun in one quick pull. I’m as comfortable as slept-in socks being sober and my goal is to make other people feel that way as well. The funny thing is that throughout writing this article not once did I think about wanting a beer. Buffalo wings however…
Photo: Ty Nigh/Flickr
More on The Sober Guy from Ryan Bell:
Seven Things Sobriety Mad Me Realize: Year One