When you build a bridge, she will be your ally for life.
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You’ll undoubtedly have heard that old joke, about the plight of someone new to a culture, which pokes fun at the difficulties of ‘fitting in.’
The punchline is usually “Íf I wanted to get to . . . I wouldn’t start from here.”
I’ve learned that my marriage is happier when I leave my pre-conceived assumptions at the threshold.
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Some days, Venus seems so far away, you’ll wonder if there’s any way to get there from Mars. And yet, I certainly want to, and you probably do, too. Most guys would say the same, even if some of us roll our eyes at the thought of the effort involved.
But how can two people who start out going one way, end up going in different ways? And what can you do about it?
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Realize that learned assumptions can kill communication.
Society-think changes slowly. Certainly, social media brings quick opinions about attitudes and behavior that we wouldn’t have heard in a past generation. Advice about ‘how to relate’ bombard us.
But traditional male thought is that any woman we love will adapt to our needs and desires. They will do the changing. They will build the bridge. Indeed, many women have internalized this view too, having had it taught or having ‘caught’ it from their surroundings.
I grew up in a very traditional family. I know I’m one of those who reached adulthood with this attitude.
However, I’ve learned that my marriage is happier when I leave my pre-conceived assumptions at the threshold.
My wife met me as a fully developed woman. She had her agenda for life when I met and fell in love with her. I had to learn that her agenda was just as important as mine.
In general, I think that when we expect our wives and partners to conform to how things ‘should be,’ we doom any real communication.
Worse, when a wife gets relegated to a creation of your mind, she is no longer the person you fell in love with but a hologram of your fantasy.
Effective communication starts with accepting things as they are.
Realize your wife isn’t a DIY project.
I believe most women want to please their men. My wife certainly does, but not at the expense of her self-determinism.
I had to really hear that.
My wife doesn’t want to please me at the expense of her values. She wants to be supportive and supported, loving and loved, appreciative and appreciated. And she wants encouragement to develop further, both in tandem with me, and individually.
I believe almost every woman in a relationship would want that.
So what is my role? My ego was dismayed to learn a truth, as many men have had to learn before me: my wife didn’t choose me to fix her.
She chose me to be her coach and adviser. And only if she asks for advice.
Of course, my wife wants to feel I’m protective of her interests and her welfare. However, for the most part, she doesn’t want her life choices made for her.
I don’t feel any less a leader for understanding that. It’s my privilege to guide and protect; it’s one of the best jobs in the world. When my wife has a problem, she invariably wants me to hear her out about it.
But I’ve learned to only offer suggestions if she asks for them.
Realize if you’re focused on your opinions, you won’t hear hers.
Yes, it’s damn difficult to simply sit and listen, when I ‘know’ the answers. You probably find the same.
Any guy, especially if he is a ‘go-getter’, gets irked by sitting and listening, merely to sympathize. And what do the women seem to want? They want to be held in tears about a family issue, or something at work.
This may seem a less‑than‑useless way of problem-solving.
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For a woman, empathy from her mate is a very powerful cathartic tool.
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Nonetheless, for my wife‑and maybe for yours, too‑this provides comfort and assistance as she works through the problem for herself. She usually will, too, even while she is sniffling and dabbing at her eyes with the tissues you handed her.
For a woman, empathy from her mate is a very powerful cathartic tool.
It took a while for me to learn that all the while curbing my instinct to demand the parameters of the problem so I could apply a fix like a bandage.
Hey, no woman minds (and will probably be grateful), if you get her car repaired, put up shelves, and clean out the gutters. These are things of external necessity, for which your ‘fixes’ are valued.
But if you try to mend her relationships with others, or tell her how to fix them, if she hasn’t first asked for your help, she is going to feel you are overriding and/or invalidating her.
Instead, do as I’ve learned to do: Provide an empathetic ear, a loving embrace and understanding heart.
You’ll build a bridge. And she will be your ally for life.
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This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo: iStockphoto