Mark Manson guides you through meeting and dating a strong, loving stable woman and challenges the sexist trope that “women are crazy”.
Editor’s note: You may also like the first post in this series: Why Is Every Girl I Date Crazy?
–
There are a number of men out there who have surrendered to the belief that all women are overly-emotional and all women are manipulative and all women are untrustworthy and will immediately trade up the first chance they get. These men usually back these beliefs up with absurd arguments about biological determinism and make an array of logical fallacies in the process.
The fact remains, if all of your relationships end in psychological ruin, then that says more about you and less about the entire female population. Your sample size sucks. And your ability to choose a romantic partner sucks.
There are millions of beautiful, confident, emotionally stable, amazing women out there. One just has to know how to spot them and attract them.
1. Drop all games and pretenses. If you ever catch yourself thinking phrases such as: “If I do X then she will think Y,” or “What did she mean by that?” or “What is she trying to make me think about her?” or “I never know exactly how she feels about me,” or “She says A but she does B,” then let her go. It’s bad enough being in a romantic situation where the emotions and sexual interest are ambiguous — that means that one or both of you is incapable of expressing yourselves coherently. But once the meaning of the behavior itself becomes ambiguous, well, that means one or both of you is attempting to manipulate the other one and you’re setting yourself up for disaster. It may not happen right away. It may not even happen soon. But one day, you’re in for a disaster. You’ve been warned.
2. Develop a nose for needy behavior. In my book Models, I define neediness as the underpinning of all non-attractive behavior. Neediness is when you prioritize the perceptions of others over the perception of yourself.
Neediness rears its ugly head in women too. You need to develop a nose for needy behavior, that is, behavior from a woman who values your opinion of her more than her own.
What does needy behavior from a woman look like? Lying to impress you. Fishing for compliments. Being extra sensitive or dramatic in order to gain sympathy. Framing herself as the victim repeatedly to get you to “save” her. Picking fights for completely subjective and irrational reasons. Using the possibility of sex with her as a tool to get you to give her attention and affection (i.e., cockteasing).
It should be noted that we all feel needy from time to time. But there’s a certain degree of neediness that should be a clear red flag, especially if someone is needy to the point of outright emotional manipulation.
The problem with needy behavior is that if it feels normal to you, then it will seem normal in everybody else. I.e., if you regularly put out needy behavior and think it’s acceptable dating behavior, then you will fail to spot it in the women you date.
“Yeah, she lied to me about her ex-boyfriend still calling her, but I think just wanted to make me jealous. So I bought her a new handbag if she agreed to block his phone number. I think it’s a good compromise, right?”
Noooooo! You deserve to be punched in the face. Hold yourself to a higher standard and the people around you will alter their behavior to meet that standard, or they’ll simply cease to be the people around you.
3. Establish a zero tolerance policy for emotional manipulation. A lot of men are able to spot needy or manipulative behavior, but they tolerate it or even rationalize it away. These men are needy as well. The reason they tolerate or justify the woman’s needy behavior is because despite being fucked up and unpleasant, it still makes them feel important and wanted. In extreme cases, these men have such low self-worth that they unconsciously feel they deserve to be manipulated and used.
You must have a zero tolerance policy towards these behaviors. Both in her and in yourself. Be willing to walk away the moment someone close to you begins acting this way. It’s the only way to respect yourself. It’s the only way to maintain strong and healthy boundaries.
Men who excuse this kind of behavior are always going on about change. She’s going to change. She’s getting better. She’s having a hard time but I’m helping her get through it. But these justifications only continue to feed the toxic behavior. When you do this, you’re continuing to feed the victim/rescuer cycle, and, in fact, nothing has changed. And nothing will.
What’s most important to recognize is that the more manipulative behavior you have in yourself, the more manipulative behavior you will attract and encourage in each of the women you date.
It’s of insane importance to work on yourself to get yourself to a place of authentic communication with women. This means not trying to come up with funny texts or ways to convince her to see you. This means not guilting her into spending time with you or having sex with you. This means not creating drama or getting mad at her as a way to keep her closer to you.
There’s a dating karma and what you put out will ultimately come back around and wreck your world.
Tomorrow, I’ll wrap up this week’s little dating series with the most important trait to look for in a relationship partner. Stay tuned.
Read Part One of this series: Why Is Every Girl I Date Crazy? By Mark Manson
–
Originally appeared at MarkManson.net
Photo: Flickr/leandrogmuller
some of the comments are longer than the article…picking out a word or a phrase and then laboriously harping on the writers choice of words misses out on the spirit on the article. What if we read Huckleberry Finn with the same mindset? Great article, made some good points. Started out by saying drop all the games and pretenses. Be real, look for what’s real.
Ahh, the refreshing humanity of learning to date without smothering games and bullsh1t between you two. I’m so sick of trying to behave or others trying to demand I act like something besides human. Dammit, if I’m nervous, I’m gonna be nervous. I’ve actually told girls before dates “I’m so nervous! haha”, and more often than not, this goes over well. If it doesn’t then her skin starts to look progressively more like plastic as the evening goes on.
Maybe we can start a movement on this premise? Date humans, and you can be humans, and have a human relationship.
I like this article. I spend 90% of my time with men and see how hard dating is and often wonder why they choose crazy women. I guess us normal sane girls just are not as exciting. Personally I alwYs say what I mean and mean what I say. Lots of men find this very intimidating. I don’t play games or toy with men’s feelings. I understand that men, just like women can get hurt. I wasn’t raised this way though. I was raised to believe men had no inner emotional life, and that you had to manipulate them to… Read more »
As a woman, I must say – great article. Totally agree with previous commenter that too many articles are about how to bend to fit your woman’s irrational behavior. Not all women are crazy, but it’s crazy to say that NO WOMEN are crazy. You’re not a “bad man” if you decide that you don’t want to deal with a woman’s irrational behaviour. While I understand that the purpose of TGMP is to get men and women to communicate better, I think there are many ways to do that. And one way, is making it clear to the woman what… Read more »
I suggest that the author read: http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 prior to writing any further articles insulting to the integrity and reality of both sexes.
Can anyone tell me where i can find emotionally stable, amazing man to date. All the men i dated so far been attention seeking, demanding and needy emotional drama kings. Thank you.
Right here 🙂
Mark, I really enjoyed this article and agree that contains very useful advice (for either gender). I just wanted to point out, though, that the title is misleading: it should instead say “How to Avoid Dating Emotionally Unstable Women”. It doesn’t really tackle the important question of HOW (and WHERE) to identify these emotionally-stable amazing women of which you speak. I am one of those women and I have a slew of single, wonderful (and attractive) female friends who fit this description to a T. Yet, I have heard so many men say that they’ve never been able to find… Read more »
This advice would be helpful for women too. I dated too many needy and manipulative guys before finally finding someone superb.
I agree Leah! When I read this article, I could easily swap “he” for “she” and “man” for” woman” throughout the entire time.
Let’s recognize that BOTH sexes have their shortcomings and are pretty universal!
Remember always- some other guy, probably several men, got tired of her already…
Cocktease is simply a terse way of putting unwilling to fulfill your physical expectations, there is nothing wrong with disengaging from any relationship that doesn’t fulfill your needs…
This is why date- rather than enter into arranged marriages.
J.A, could you take a second look at the statement you made: “some other guy, probably several men, got tired of her already.” I’ve heard these types of comments before. I have heard men make them to feel better about themselves or their experiences with women. But I got to say, as a woman, it’s really demeaning to hear men talk about women like this. As if any man, being tired of a particular woman elevates his worth and somehow demeans her. As if the fact that a man gets tired of a woman implies she is a less worthy… Read more »
Erin- And similarly- someone got tired of the apartment you’re looking at and the job you’re applying for.. It is a quick way of saying- if it didn’t work out, it’s not your fault, it simply,didn’t work out, move on. I think your offense might be rooted in princess culture and from being of the “everyone gets a medal” generation- but I know little more than the name you use on line. And I’ve heard a woman say “you’re not the 1st woman who got tired of fucking him” What makes cocktease,offensive, as with most such criticisms, is if it… Read more »
J.A., I tried applying your inanimate object parallels to your statement. This is what I came up with: “Remember always, some other people, probably several people, to tired of living there already.” “Remember always, some other people, probably several people, got tired of working there already.” And here is the comparison I made: “Remember always, some other woman, probably several woman, got tired of (f*cking) him already.” When talking about people vs inanimate objects, there is a world of difference between the two. Hopefully we talk about human beings with more respect and grace then we would talk about an… Read more »
Erin
1st I’m Drew
2nd “men have a different way of experiencing things sometimes because of the world we live in” – no it’s because of the bodies they inhabit… Little boys aren’t girls with penises who are brainwashed into acting like patrinormative oppressors…
More and more, psychiatry and other branches of medicine are uncovering the fundamental differences between the sexes.
This is the goodmenproject not the niceandrogennetwork- so I would expect that there would be ideas, here, that don’t jibe with a womanology..
I know women’s sites leave me scratching my head.
“Can you for a moment consider if a woman instead said a phrase like that about men? “some woman, probably several woman, got tired of him already.” ” I see that quite often, it’s also pretty correct in many situations. I’ve gotten tired of specific women before, they did not fulfill my needs for friendship such as respect n care so I ditched them. I get tired of abusive people, they’re not worthy of my time. I won’t apologize for that. There are people who just plain suck at relationships, people get tired of them. Don’t you get tired of… Read more »
Yeah, I never suggested that you stay in an abusive relationship, or that people where perfect at relationships. I have never said to another woman, “yeah, well I got tired of him and other women probably are too. So don’t even try.” If you are tired of someone, then simply say that, “I got tired of that person.The treated me like x,y and z.” Why do you need to make assumptions for other people about other people? The statement, ..”some other guy, probably several men, got tired of her already”, does not even suggest a personal relationship with the woman… Read more »
@Erin,
If you read between the lines, what is being said is: most men care about the number of sex partners a woman has shared while women clearly do not feel the same about men.
Lastly, when you look at the major coasts and their major cities/suburbia, the dating game is characterized by a lot of bed hopping. Personally, I have no interest in this way of life. I am sure I am not the only person (man or woman) who feels this way.
I think I was lost at “How to Date Emotionally Stable, Amazing Women”. Really, with a title like that all I deciphered was, “I’m a sexist. I give in to sexist ideas about women. Everything I write in this article is going to be for sexists, by a sexist. But under the guise that not all men are bad… or sexist”.
Shame, all you needed to do to find out how wrong you were was to read even the first couple of paragraphs of the piece, where that sort of idea is immediately challenged. It seems that the piece is designed to hook in people with sexist expectations and then immediately challenge them. (For everyone else – might explain the use of the term “cocktease”, although that’s something else he could have challenged but didn’t. I can see that the term is pretty laden, though the behaviour certainly exists – by no means unique to women either, so another term for… Read more »
Because there can never be an emotionally unstable woman in the world right? Would you prefer “How do date respectful n loving women”?
You lost me at “cockteasing”.
“She’s going to change. She’s getting better. She’s having a hard time but I’m helping her get through it. But these justifications only continue to feed the toxic behavior. When you do this, you’re continuing to feed the victim/rescuer cycle, and, in fact, nothing has changed. And nothing will.” I’m not even talking about dating but yes. I’ve had friends like this, where I think, man, look at how bad this person’s life was, that sucks, I’ll just tolerate them until they get better. But then that person begins thinking that the manipulative needy way they act is normal and… Read more »
I agree that lying to impress someone is not the best thing. However, I think closer to the truth is that we all lie at some point in hopes to impress someone else. Usually the only reason to lie is so that we can present the image of who we want to be vs who we may be. I’ve been on some internet dates where it was clear that these guys lied about one thing or the other. But you know what? I gave them a chance anyway. Some of them were still pretty great guys despite whatever insecurity they… Read more »
“fishing for compliments” Putting herself down regularly to get compliments. Eg, “I’m so fat in this” and she hopes he will say “No you’re so sexy”, etc. Asking how it looks may be fishing if it’s regular and she often does the putdowns of herself but simply asking for advice isn’t. Cockteasing is a very good term actually to describe the behaviour. Purposely arousing someone then withdrawing as a way to manipulate someone. “How do you also qualify being “extra sensitive or dramatic in order to gain sympathy”. I hear men say all the time that a woman is *too*… Read more »
In my entire life, I have never heard a woman put herself down to trick someone into giving her a compliment. I have heard plenty of women put themselves down because they really felt deep shame about a part of their body and they expressed it outwardly. It’s a shame that so many women experience shame about their bodies. And it’s a shame that as a society we both shame women about their bodies and shame them when they express that they feel bad about their bodies. “Cockteasing” is a term that has been used against women since the dawn… Read more »
“In my entire life, I have never heard a woman put herself down to trick someone into giving her a compliment.” I’ve heard them OOOOODLLES of times. It’s to do with insecurity, point out something negative and people usually try to cheer you up and say something positive. “And it’s a shame that as a society we both shame women about their bodies and shame them when they express that they feel bad about their bodies. ” In this case it’s not shaming them over feeling bad about their body, it’s shaming them over fishing for compliments. There are better… Read more »
“Cock tease (sometimes cock-tease or cocktease or also prick-tease) is derisive sexual slang used to describe a woman who acts in a sexual manner to seduce men without actually fulfilling the sexual actions. ” Eg, an experience of mine. A friend told me how much she wanted to fuck me, led me on for a while then stopped talking to me because she went back to her ex. That is a cock-tease. Decent humans don’t do it because it’s extremely rude and just morally wrong to do. Guys can also do it to girls, you can do it in relation… Read more »
BAM! Cockteasing? Smells like chauvinism to me.
Spot on ! Thanks for putting that so well 🙂
Everyone makes mistakes. If you lie for any reason, you have made a mistake and you should make the effort to correct it.
Anyone that uses the word “cockteaser” in relation to a woman no matter what her character should himself read a few “how not to write like a chauvinist” articles himself.
Exactly
agreed!
Something hit a nerve.
Hehe seems so 🙂
My sentiments exactly.
A good writer must find ways to relate to his or her audience. Notice he didn’t actually call women “cockteasers”; he gave a list of attributes that some woman might have, of which ONE could be construed as “cockteasing” by both men and women. If they are speaking to an audience mostly comprised of men, of which a few are very likely chauvinistic, then using that term may be the only way to get through to some of them that may not understand a much more respectable way of saying things. As a female, I don’t care. I find this… Read more »
Good point. It would have been better stated as “a tease”. I dated a man like that once, it was SO confusing. He’d lean around me when I was looking at something, speak directly into my ear, offer backrubs, share dirty jokes soto voce, grin seductively, et cetera.
But if I responded to any of this? OH NO we were just friends he didn’t mean anything how could I have possibly thought differently? Ugh.
“Noooooo! You deserve to be punched in the face. Hold yourself to a higher standard” Um what kind of advice is that!? YOU DESERVE TO BE PUNCHED for not holding yourself to a higher standard? Wow. There are so many more intelligent ways of giving advice and telling one to acknowledge their value; that one missed the mark by a mile. I seriously question your authority to give advice, is it based on anything but your own experience!? What you fail to acknowledge is also that not only does crazy attract crazy (some of the time) but people can also… Read more »
“All women are untrustworthy and will trade up at the first opportunity…”
PUAs teach this to their newbies about women…. Plus that women have the attention spans of ants and that they will fall for stupid pickup routines… If they hang out in a bar or club long enough then they may be able to “pull” a dumb drunk girl home….
Nice one Mark. Dating advice for men is all to often centered around what men can do for women. Its nice to see some advising what guys can do for themselves.
I agree, Its a welcome change of pace here at “the good men project” to read a piece thats actually designed to help men, instead of shaming them. Im not really an MRA, but its one place that a guy can read helpful articles instead of just feminist shaming articles.