The silent treatment has been an age-old coping mechanism in relationships for as long as I can remember.
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Silence
I think I understand the reaction. Sometimes you just need to create distance between yourself and the offending party. But the silent treatment isn’t fair, and it’s harmful to both parties. For the one giving the silent treatment, it’s like drinking rat poison and expecting the other person to die.
The receiving end of the silent treatment isn’t easy either. You shouldn’t be a doormat. You should definitely approach the other party with understanding. Someone has to initiate the conversation.
Some people in relationships are just passive-agressive grudge-holders, but I know a way to disarm them without pointing fingers and making it worse.
- Approach them calmly and gently.
- Acknowledge that you’ve hurt them.
They may have been at fault in some way too, but you can discuss that later when you are both calm.
- Say that you care very much about being a good wife or husband.
- You care about your relationship and you want to work it out.
They may not seem enthused at the time, but they will remember that you said it.
- Create physical distance.
If they don’t fall immediately into your arms, a little down time is likely needed.
- Offer to listen when they are ready to talk.
You can go to another room, out in the garage, or leave on an errand. The more productive your errand, the better. It’s a free country, but making a big purchase, or going to a bar or strip club probably won’t not help you.
- Know that there is a legitimate hurt underneath it all.
Hurt often turns into anger, and clamming up is a result of that. They just may not be ready to talk yet.
- Give them some time, but no longer than a day or two.
If after you have done all this, and the silent treatment carries on for days or weeks at a time, it’s a good bet that you need to seriously evaluate your relationship.
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I am not a licensed therapist. I’m just a wife that is a passive-aggressive grudge-holder. I come from a long line of passive-agressive grudge-holders. When you’ve been wired a certain way for so long, change is hard.
My husband follows the anti-silent treatment steps with me and helps calm my storm. I wish I could say these ideas are a 100% cure for everything in our marriage, but I can’t. However, I can say these steps go a long way to help.
In relationships, the silence can be deafening. But you have to be willing to see the problem and make the effort to change. Change is what relationships are all about.
I will forever remember when he said
“I want to be a good husband and father.”
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Photo: Shutterstock
This article makes it seem like the silent partner is the abused one. “Sometimes you just need to create distance between yourself and the offending party.” Childish. The author is either brainwashed or a giver of the silent treatment. And the description on how to deal with it? Good laughs. Obviously, she dishes but doesn’t receive.
I enjoy being silent, it works and it brings peace. Your true feelings are your own and private. Also there is no need for you to impose them on others. Why open yourself to conflict, arguments and confrontation. That is just too much work. It is way better to just smile and say nothing. Never throw fuel into the fire.
Go find a cabin in the woods and find your peace. Stop trying to engage people just to be a selfish jerk.
I was in a relationship with a man who did the “silent treatment” act and because I loved him, I tried to make it work. After six years of trying, I finally realized that I am worth more than to be treated like this. I have learned from that relationship to never lower my standards because of someone who thinks they have the right to treat anyone so rudely. It is disrespectful, it is manipulative and controlling. The person who normally does this is hurting inside, afraid and weak; so the only way they deal with it is to hurt… Read more »
It amazes me that people who are silent just accept that that’s ok and the other person has to just accept it or move on. Suppose it’s easier than taking on the problem that they have and trying to make the relationship better by treating the other half of the relationship with respect and learning to sit and talk things over like adults who genuinely love and care each should do.
It’s easy to be the silent one, I am the one who always gets the silent treatment. I have goon weeks without talking. It’s the one who is silent who has the choice to talk, but you have to give a reason to them. I am the one who has the issues and her silence gives me time to be angry then sad and finally to actually work on me. Do I agree with it no. When your the one who isn’t getting talked to its hard you second guess everything. It’s this simple do you trust and love them?… Read more »
When I see her it’s obvious she loves me it’s been a month. What can I do to enable us to talk. I can not seem to even get a sit down.
I have a better solution for the silent treatment. Just sing to the person doing it, “Shave and hair cut” and they won’t be able to resist adding, “two bits.”
P.S. all the other commentators are right- good for you you know you’re like this but now it’s time to take the next adult step and learn how to do it without relying on your husband to bring you out of your “funk.”
The OH comes from a long line of touchy, moody, easily offended types. Unfortunately I didn’t find this out until after the wedding. We were living abroad and it wasn’t until we moved back to England where he is from that the awful truth started to surface. Long silences, and by that I mean months or even years at a time when family members don’t even see one another, let alone speak, are common as grass. With us, its not usually something I have said or done, its a third party – his work, even something as stupid as a… Read more »
You’ve just described my boyfriend of a year and a half. The cycles..wow.. I’m debating whether to stay in this relationship because of it.
I swear you are living my life.
I think it’s nice to have a partner help the stonewaller to “gently” open up. However, it is totally up the stonewaller to take responsibility and go to counseling to learn how to control that behavior. Instead of telling significant others how to deal with these adult tantrums, articles need to be written that start with “Dear Stonewaller…” Let’s reward people who don’t engage in this behavior and give the tantrum thrower some difficult homework to do. In my book if you go days without talking to me the relationship is over. Your silence is a sign that you don’t… Read more »
Hi Audra, I applaud your honest effort to make sense of this behavioral pattern and craft a possible road for others to cope with it. But, I hope you understand that the Silent Treatment as a behavioral pattern and what is at the root of it is well understood in psychology. And, as a pattern of behavior it is a form of emotional abuse motivated by infantile narcissim and an intention to control/manipulate others, especially one’s partner. The only exception is a temporary adoption to cope with extreme grief. But, that never extends itself into an ongoing pattern throughout life.… Read more »
I am presently on the receiving end of my partner’s silent treatment. We had a very huge fight a week ago which took about 3 days to overcome. My partner wanted to go out of town for 5 days. Due to work I could only do 3. To which he said then in that case we should travel separately. This hurt me especially because we had a huge fight the weekend before. Anyway somehow i managed to get an extra day off (which my partner did not know about) and my partner also messaged saying 3 days is fine. So… Read more »
YES!! Great advice. You, Audra, are putting the onus on your partner to bring you out of your destructive behavior pattern. Your partner will tire of this abuse eventually. If you want a healthy relationship, go see help.
My father stayed with my silent treatment giving mother for 21 years. As a kid I witnessed their fights and was throughly baffled and scared when they would go days and weeks without talking. My mother often would also stop talking to me and I would have to apologize days later for reasons I didn’t understand. One of my first memories as a kid is apologizing to my mother so she would speak to me again. I was three. If you are giving your loved ones the silent treatment for more than an hour or two get yourself to therapy.… Read more »
this article is absolutely ridiculous. What it is is a perfect recipe for placating an emotionally unstable person and creating an environment that will be there forever. This article essentially says when I go emotionally unstable please just kiss my ass and follow me around for 2 or 3 days until I’m ready to act like an adult. I have never seen a better recipe in my life for creating resentment. don’t be surprised, given that pattern, when the guy quits doing it. the moment enough insight hits him for him to realize that he’s been psychologically manipulated for years… Read more »
EXACTLY. Spot-on assessment. That’s what was thinking and trying to say in my rant below. This article is stupid. The whiny author “I’ve learned this behavior from a long line of (other manipulative a-holes) over the years, and I need to be coddled and indulged like a brat until I am ready to talk; thank goodness my husband kisses my ass”. (Paraphrased) Completely foolish advice in this article.
I’ve always said that it’s FAR more important to me that my partner and I “argue” the same way than it is how we get along. My mom is a silent treatment type of upset/angry person my dad is not. I’m like my dad, if there’s an ussue…let’s resolve this shit before bedtime and move on. I talk, I calmy address a situation. If someone ignores me for a day or few…my mind goes into overdrive and I am turned off by their behavior, which turnns me off to them as a partner. Yes, I weed out what works for… Read more »
“The silent treatment has been an age-old coping mechanism”
It is not a “coping mechanism”. It is manipulative and abusive.
My thoughts exactly…and utterly juvenile.
Actually, it’s both.
It’s a mechanism for coping that allows a person to avoid dealing with their own toxic emotions and issues by casting them onto someone else. Personally, I don’t see how that works — as I’m not like that — but the literature in the field abundantly documents this is the case.
This article means a lot to me. As a fellow passive-aggressive grudge-holder who works hard on self improvement but has been wired her whole life to run away from hurt and anxiety, I’ve found that most articles on this subject give the advice of just leaving a relationship with someone whose tendency is to clam up at conflict. It’s nearly impossible to be surrounded by those articles and still feel worthy of love when you recognize yourself as one who shuts down. Your advice to those in relationship with us is perfect for gently re-opening the door to communication while… Read more »
KP, a word of advice from a husband in this situation. It’s got to get better for us, too. I’m a decade into a relationship and I’m absolutely exhausted…of being the calming effect, of being the one to placate, of getting zero consideration in return.
Rob, I’m so sorry you have faced that for so long. I think that a decade of no reciprocation is an awfully long time to wait, and it sure isn’t fair to you. You have the right to preserve yourself as well, it does take two. I hope she comes around.
Thanks, KP. It has been a long time…for awhile, I thought “if I just stick it out a little longer, she’ll start to appreciate…” But it is not to be. 🙁 Even in discussions about the future, it’s all about what I can do to approach her differently. The dance requires both partners to occasionally lead and my feet hurt.
*Audra
Exactly! It’s painful to be the one who is on the receiving end of the silent treatment and exhausting. My take on this is that if you recognize this key difference in communication styles BEFORE you get married, and there’s no way to repair the differences or come to a fair understanding…do not get married. Of course this is just my opinion but to me the health of a relationship is determined more by how couples disagree than how they get along. I just ended a dating relationship with a man who wielded the silent treatment when he was upset… Read more »
KP, it’s so hard for us to open our hearts, only to frighten and slam them shut again. It takes a long time to heal, but you are working on it and it will pay off. You will get there, hang in there.
Go get help. The pain you inflict is greater than the pain you run from.
As someone married to a passive aggressive grudge holder, having to constantly be the calming party is exhausting. I
not married,
but being the calming party even though you are the one aggravated?
fcking exhausting.