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How do you get people to do what you want? This is a common problem in relationships. Too often, people don’t do what they say they are going to do. You are left feeling betrayed and frustrated. There are steps you can take to reduce the problem. Here are three steps that will help you get what you need from others.
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Step One: Clarity–make sure you know exactly what you need.
If you don’t know exactly what you need from another person, why you need it, and why the other person can deliver for you, your goals will never be achievable. Write down the answers to these questions before you ask anything from anyone:
What do I need?
Why do I need it?
Why do I need someone else to do it for me?
If you in such a hurry to have someone agree to do something that you do not have time to be thoughtful, you are asking for failure.
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Step Two: Specificity-be very specific about what you need done
Too often, we assume that other people know what we need. We unconsciously expect others to read our minds and fulfill our requests automatically. Not true. Here are the questions you have to answer:
What needs to be done?
What is the goal?
When does the task need to be started and finished?
How should the task be completed?
Who needs to do it?
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Step Three: Making the Request
Make your request specific, starting with your goals.
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Having spent a few minutes on steps one and two, you are ready to ask for help. The way to do this is through an agreement conversation. In an agreement conversation, you will state your need, how your need can be fulfilled, and what you want the other person to do.
Make your request specific, starting with your goals. Suppose you talking with your partner about doing the dishes. This mundane, daily task seems trivial, but you really need some help. Your request could be something like:
“John, I am really pressed for time in the morning. Would you be willing to take care of the dishes before you leave for work. Could you take 5 minutes and rinse them off, put them in the dishwasher, wipe off the counter, and start the dishwasher?”
John might say yes or no. If he says yes, solidify your agreement with a simple process called Speak-Check-Reflect.
“Great. You agree to rinse the dishes, put them in the dishwasher, wipe off the counter, and start the dishwasher in the morning. So could you tell me what I just said so that we have clarity?
John says,”I’m going to rinse the dishes, put them in the dishwasher, wipe off the counter, and start the dishwasher in the morning.”
Now you have an agreement.
You will be surprised at how often people simply do not hear or understand everything that you are requesting.
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What if John says no? You can accept it, or you can explore why he said no. Do not assume that he is rejecting you or your request. He may have a perfectly good reason for his answer. You need more information. Then you can negotiate out a compromise, if you need to.
If John’s understanding of the agreement is incorrect, you may correct him. However, your correction should be done in a special way.
“So John, what you said was that you would put the dishes in the dishwasher and start it. Would you be willing to rinse the dishes, put them in the dishwasher, wipe off the counter, and start the dishwasher in the morning.”
Notice that you did not judge or criticize John. You reflected back what he said then, re-stated what the agreement was. This seems simplistic, but is amazingly effective. You will be surprised at how often people simply do not hear or understand everything that you are requesting. By using Speak-Check-Reflect, you reduce confusion.
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When you start being thoughtful and clear about what you need and how you communicate your needs, you will find yourself empowered. More importantly, you will find that your agreements are performed as you hoped without fuss or muss. What a great result!
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This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash