Jordan Gray says that, when it comes to wanting your partner to initiate sex more often, people are often asking the wrong question.
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“How do I get my partner to initiate sex with me more often?”
This is one of a handful of questions that I get asked on a weekly basis that makes me internally cringe.
Why?
Because, while I empathize with how bad it can feel to not have a sense of sexual connection with your partner, to me the question feels the same as when people ask “How do I make more money?”
It bothers me because you’re looking at the wrong part of the equation. And therefore you’re asking the wrong question.
Don’t focus on how to make more money… focus on how to add more value.
Don’t focus on why you have no energy… focus on what food you’re putting into your body.
Don’t focus on how to get your partner to initiate sex more often… focus on the current state of your relationship and how you can improve your overall sense of connection so that your partner will be more sexually receptive.
In other words, don’t focus on the result… focus on your process!
So… what can you do, in more tangible terms, to get your partner to initiate sex more often? Start with these six things.
1. Don’t expect sex simply because they’re your partner
Yes, it’d be great if your partner was so attracted to you that they simply had a never ending supply of sexual desire that was focused on you and only you for all eternity. In reality? Sexual desire ebbs and flows, and there will be occasions where your partner’s sexual desire has a dry spell and you will feel it.
But one of the fastest ways that you can turn your partner off is to expect them to have sex with you just because they’re your partner. This is the definition of taking your partner for granted. Expectation is the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac.
Just because you are in a relationship with your partner doesn’t mean that you get to stop proactively loving them, wooing them, courting them… whatever you want to call it… the same way that they don’t have to automatically be turned on by you at the drop of a hat.
Relationships take work.
If you stopped creating value at your job, you would stop getting money.
If you stop investing effort in to your relationship, sometimes, you stop receiving sexual pleasure via your partner.
2. Feel good about yourself
If your life isn’t going like you want it to (outside of your relationship) and you’re craving sex with your partner as a means of external validation (i.e. the subtext being that you are worthy enough of a person to have sex with), then be honest with yourself about that.
There is certainly a very healthy dose of external validation that we get from seeing ourselves reflected back to us by our partners. But beware that that isn’t the sole reason that you’re trying to increase your sexual frequency with your partner. And if it is… work on your life, while also being honest with your partner about what needs you actually need to have met.
3. Clear your communicative blocks
Often, the reason your sex life goes stale is because of the volumes of arguments and bits of dishonesty that have slowly piled up through the course of your relationship.
The negative moments that you each build up in your minds about each other or the relationship get stuck in the way of your intimate connection and then quickly drag down your sexual desire for each other.
Like giant boulders sitting in the middle of a flowing river, in order to get back to flowing, abundant sexual energy, you need to remove the blocks.
How?
By communicating more proactively. Start with these ten questions that will help you clear your relationship blocks.
Put these sessions in your calendar and make them non-negotiable.
4. Increase physical affection and other non-sexual touch
Humans are a social species, and as such, we crave physical affection.
If, by going after increased sexual frequency, you’re really looking for more connectedness, start by increasing the amount of physical affection you share on a daily basis.
Cuddle in the morning and at night. Hug for longer than you usually do. Kiss them for more than a few seconds when you’re about to leave for the day. Run your fingers through their hair. Give them a back rub. Hold hands while you walk.
Just, touch.
5. Initiate sex more often
Gandhi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And I’m pretty sure he was talking about getting freaky.
If you and your partner haven’t had sex in days/weeks/months and you’re digging your heels in just to see if they’ll break first, then put on your adult pants and be the one to initiate sex.
Leave the games to the kids… there’s enough game playing outside of your love life and neither one of you wins in the sexual cold war.
6. Focus on them more during sex
Could it be possible that the majority of the last twenty times you had sex (no matter how long ago those times were) were more focused on you than on them?
It’s understandable that someone would want to avoid something that they don’t remember as being that pleasurable/amazing/transformative.
Make a concerted effort to understand what turns your partner on, do whatever it takes to blow their minds/make them have the best orgasm of their life, and they’ll be more likely to want to initiate sex more often.
I mean, wouldn’t you be more likely to turn into a repeat customer at a restaurant that has only ever exceeded your expectations with the most mouth-watering, gourmet meals? It’s the same with sex. If you’ve allowed your sex life to go from gourmet delicacy to cheap, quick fast food, then can you really blame your partner for wanting to steer clear of the empty calories?
Did you enjoy this post?
You might also get a ton of value from the following…
If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading these articles by Jordan Gray:
Supercharge Your Sex Life (video)
The Best Sex Toy For Men, Ever
7 Exercises To Increase Your Sexual Stamina
How To Dial Up The Sexual Polarity In Your Relationship
And if you have any more personal questions that you want answers to, you can reach out and chat with me directly by clicking here.
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This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of BigStockPhoto.com
Thanks for the suggestions. It’s frustrating that there are few articles for women seeking help getting their partner intimate. After finally being done with infertility treatment, pregnancy, post-patrum, nursing, and late night child care, I’m so ready to increase our sex life. I really appreciate trying to help. Most of these articles are targeted for men. It’s nice to recognize women have needs.
I was having issue with my boyfriend, he was always lying to me, keeping secrete, flirting around, i love him and wanted him to change but it got worst that he have to break up and left me heart broken, i was out of my mind, i wanted him back because i want to get married to him in feature, i could not fall in love again b’cos my heart still beat for him, i was lucky that my problem became history, i was able to find someone who could help me and it was Dr_Mack@yahoo. com, i contacted him… Read more »
Do you really want to be married to someone that lies to you, keeps secrets, flirts with others and doesn’t want to be your everything?
Wouldn’t you rather find someone who loves you and treats you with as respect as you treat them?
Married for many years, I have done all of the article’s suggestions, but the fact is: many women lose their sex drive when they turn 40.
“mouth watering gourmet meals……”
A man can offer sex better than the best ,still a woman may turn him down if she does not respect him as a human being.
I rather eat simple ordinary food cooked,prepared and offered me by a person I respect than gourmet food offered by a man I do not respect.
The same with sex.
Your effort is commendable.
However, I think that your presumptions about the reasons for the question may be off the mark, making your answers or suggestions less accurate.
Regarding points no 4-6, allow me to quote an excerpt from a nearby article “10 things good men should never do in a relationship”: The minute you feel that you have to prove your worth to the person you’re with is the minute you’ll know to walk away. A man or woman should be with you because they value and appreciate who you are, not what you do or how well you sell yourself to them. I’ve made that mistake several times, of trying to prove my worth, deluding myself that if I just tried a bit harder, showed my… Read more »
Brilliantly stated insights! So much distilled wisdom condensed into a relatively small space. Now, can we get this posted as the running “news message” scrolling across the bottom of the screen of every TV program in the USA, please? It’s far more valuable than ANY TV show or advertisement, and it needs to be communicated to people of all ages, ASAP! Imagine how just a week of that message being relayed around the clock would ignite long-overdue conversations all over the place!