Winifred Reilly wants you to know how to have the conversations you’d rather not have with your spouse.
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It’s true. There are some conversations you’d rather not have.
Like the one about the credit card or your mother-in-law or how you hardly ever have sex. Maybe you need to talk about quitting your job or having another baby, or how you lie awake worrying that your marriage is in trouble, or that you never have fun. Maybe you think your partner is having an affair.
And the very idea of bringing it up fills you with dread. Maybe tomorrow, you say. Maybe next week.
Then again, maybe not.
For most couples, difficult conversations start badly and go downhill from there.
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Why not start smart?
Before you utter your first word, set yourself up for success.
Most up of us set ourselves up for failure by coming to the table with our worst behaviors and being utterly shocked when things go south.
Instead, come prepared with a strategy to keep your counter-productive moves in check.
If you tend to interrupt, make a commitment to do more listening. If you cross-examine rather than question, bring curiosity. If your habit is to stonewall or to go on the attack, make a decision to (even just a little bit) let down your guard.
Don’t expect to feel calm.
If you’re waiting to attain some Zen-like state before you sit down to talk, chances are you’ll be waiting forever. Especially if the issue is super-charged and there’s a lot on the line.
Easy for me to say, but that knot in your stomach… it’s not that big a deal. Neither is your racing heart or your overwhelming urge to run from the room. The anxiety you feel is simply your body’s way of telling you that you’re heading into rough waters.
Rather than run from your anxiety or expect to “chill-out,” recognize that you’re anxious and boldly step forward anyway.
Taking up permanent residence in your comfort zone is a sure-fire way to stay stuck.
There is no perfect time to have a difficult conversation.
If you’re thinking that 3 o’clock will be easier than 4 o’clock or that Sunday is inherently better than Friday, it isn’t.
There are certainly times that are less than ideal, like Monday morning before work, or when you’re on your way to a dinner party.
Other than avoiding the obviously bad times, pick a time and then stick with it.
A conversation of a thousand words begins with the first sentence.
Some difficult conversations can be gotten through in one sitting and some cannot. Sometimes the first conversation merely sets the issues out on the table.
From there, you may need to take it one small bite at a time.
Trouble spots to avoid:
- Don’t think your partner has to agree with everything you say in order for you to say it. The goal is to talk about your experience, which is about you and does not need to be validated.
- Don’t get sidetracked by poor conversation etiquette. There’s a good chance that one or both of you will get anxious and resort to one of your counter-productive behaviors. Pause and get yourself under control rather than getting into it about what the other is doing “wrong.”
- Don’t rush into problem-solving. Again, slow down and take it in steps.
- Don’t discuss crucial issues in email or text!
- Avoid thinking there are winners and losers. Keep sight of the fact that this is love, not war.
Keys to success:
- Pay attention to the point you’re trying to make and articulate it clearly and succinctly.
- Do your best to be open to your partner’s point of view, whether or not you agree with it.
- Speak from your heart.
- Address your partner with respect.
- Be willing to look below the surface to understand what your actions and responses say about you.
- Talk about one difficult subject at a time. People can get into a “while we’re at it” mentality and call up the other’s every infraction, relevant or otherwise. The goal is to have a conversation with your spouse, not to bury her.
- No matter how hurt or angry you are, when you speak to the best in the other person, you increase the chances that he or she will respond from that more solid place.
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While difficult conversations rarely turn into easy ones, they go decidedly better when we come from our best. True, they’re uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking and, yes, we can come up with a thousand-and-one reasons to put them off.
The danger, of course, is that there’s always a chance we’ll have waited too long.
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Hey, I read the whole thing and a few more sites. I and my boyfriend are undergoing small problems. Like I’m in college and there is a college tips it’s my final year next year. My boyfriend isn’t letting me go vt them. He strongly believes that it’s not safe and all but I wanna have fun vt my friends but. I don’t wanna hurt him too. Thus is not the first time v r having a rescission on trips. But if it goes like this, it’s gonna b very difficult for both of us. I need him to listen… Read more »
Yes, we learn mostly by error, don’t we. 🙂
So many of us get hung up trying to suss out the “best time” when once we take that first step, the second one is often a bit easier.
Sounds as if you and your wife have a good thing going.
Thanks for joining the discussion.
Nicely put Winifred.
I have learned through trial and error (mostly error). As you say there is never a best time, there is just a time to get the discussion out in the open. My wife is full of common sense so I often put the matter ont he table and listen to her take on things. We then build from there.
This is not quite with my spouse but the same principals apply. I recently told my parents (they are divorced so two conversations) of some very violent physical abuse done to me by someone at the school I went to 25 years ago. Trust me when I say these were by far the hardest conversations I have ever had but some similar things apply to your partner as they do for your parents. Prep : Overcome 25 years of shame and fear and find my backbone – Prep time was approximately 25 years 1. I wrote the event down, there… Read more »
Difficult conversations are difficult, no matter whom we’re having them with.
Sounds like you did a great job, both with preparing yourself emotionally and having a well thought out plan. (And yes, that first part took decades.)
Your point about having to be present for your parent’s grief is a useful addition to the discussion. I think part of the preparation is to be steady enough to speak painful truths and hear painful truths.
Thanks so much for sharing your story.