Feeling safe enough to share freely and openly requires work on both sides of a relationship.
—
Following my recent article, What Being Emotionally Unavailable Really Means and Why Men Do It, I could see from the comments that there was a general consensus that a man’s partner, and how safe he felt in the relationship, has a big impact on how likely he is to show up and open up.
So what happens when he is working on being open and available but then he keeps getting responses from his partner that shows him it’s not safe to open up? He retreats and is even less likely to open up again.
For someone to open up in a relationship it requires a receptive, supportive and open space …
|
I see this happen a lot in relationships. And every time he tries to make himself emotionally available only to get shut down unconsciously by his partner, it reinforces the belief that sharing is not helpful or safe for him.
For someone to open up in a relationship it requires a receptive, supportive and open space, that means both people need to be cultivating this growth, personally, individually, and within the relationship.
◊♦◊
Lots of times I have heard people talk about how their partners shut down, but when I watch this at play, it’s not one-sided, often the person has an unconscious reaction to their partners openness.
Sometimes their partner’s expression or sharing doesn’t fit their model of how a relationship “should” look or how a man “should’ feel. Often it challenges the very person who wants him to be open, consequently they unconsciously shut him down. Even while shutting him down they’re still demanding that he is open with them. And they don’t even see the impact they have on the situation.
It can be frustrating for everyone involved and it’s really important to remember that both people in the situation are impacted by the other’s responses.
It’s very easy to blame someone else for an aspect of a relationship, however it takes two to tango and two to create a dynamic.
So how can you support your partner in being fully present?
Know yourself and manage yourself.
First off, know yourself. Learn your triggers and vulnerabilities. Know that some topics and areas are going to create an automatic response and you need to develop emotional self-management around these.
Get clear and take ownership.
Get clear about what those topics are, list them out and own them. Owning them means stop blaming your partner for how you feel when they are triggered. These are your triggers. For your partner to be open and honest, they need to be their full selves, not just the part of themselves that doesn’t trigger you.
Communicate instead of acting out.
This means saying how you feel, rather than showing. It means using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Here is an example:
Every time you act out or blame rather than share, you are creating an environment where your partner needs to shut down to stay safe.
|
You could pull the “Oh yes, that guy from work asked me out yesterday” as a way of getting back for some behavior that triggered you. Or you could say, “I felt very uncomfortable when you mentioned that girl because my insecurity about not being good enough came up.”
You could stonewall him or give him the silent treatment or you could say, “I am frustrated right now and need time to think.”
Every time you act out or blame rather than share, you are creating an environment where your partner needs to shut down to stay safe. Communicating your feelings creates a dialog, punishing by behavior is a threat.
Be patient with him and with yourself.
Give your partner time and space if he needs it to process his emotions or the events that took place, don’t let your anxiety and desire for certainty drive you to push him to open up or share. Respect that he has a way he processes and so do you. It is your responsibility to manage your emotions and his to process in which ever way works best for him.
Stop fighting and start teaming up.
Stop thinking your way is the right way and the only way. Your way is right for you and he must figure out what’s right for him. Give him room to discover this and also compassion for how difficult this may be for him.
While you’re at it, give yourself piles of compassion because you will need it while you manage your discomfort and unhealthy coping strategies during a challenging time.
You are both looking for something from the relationship, discuss this and whenever possible remind yourself you are both a team, not against each other, even if you things differently.
Take the pressure off.
It’s not his job to make you happy. While he is learning to be open and available, ensure you are busy making yourself happy, giving yourself everything you need so he can stay on his journey without the need to withdraw because of added pressure.
Fight fairly and effectively.
Do not throw anything he has expressed back at him during an argument. Not anything! When you take his feelings and use them for ammunition or to prove a point you are showing him it is not safe to share with you.
Listen to what he is saying — listen with compassion and with a longing to truly understand him, leave judgement at the door and only bring compassion in.
|
Listen instead of sharing your point. Listen to what he is saying — listen with compassion and with a longing to truly understand him, leave judgement at the door and only bring compassion in.
When you fight, get clear about the outcome you want. Is it a healthy outcome for you both or are you simply acting out? And if you’re really acting out ask how you can communicate instead.
◊♦◊
All of these steps require you to really up your investment in yourself and the relationship. They require you to acknowledge the impact you have on your partner’s sharing while still staying in your space.
This is not an easy path, however it is a rewarding path for developing deeper connection and understanding between you and your partner. This requires practice and you will get it wrong. When you do, go back to him, tell him how you made a mistake and demonstrate to him what openness and vulnerability looks like.
Mostly, every step of the way, remind yourself and him of the love you feel and how this practice is ultimately about respecting that love.
RSVP to join weekly calls on Sex, Love, Etc.
What Now? Participate. Take Action. Join The Good Men Project Community.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission. All members see the site AD-FREE!
Register New Account
◊♦◊
Your ANNUAL PLATINUM membership includes:
1. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to participate in ANY of our new Social Interest Groups. We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time. We now offer 500 calls a year!
2. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to ALL LIVE CLASSES. Learn how to build your own platform, be a better writer, become an editor, or create social change. Check out our training sessions. As a Platinum member, you can take them all.
3. Invitation to the MEMBERS ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
4. Access to our PREMIUM MEMBER LIBRARY with our recorded ConvoCasts and classes. ConvoCasts are a new form of media—and you are in them! Only Platinum Members get access to our recordings. And recordings of our classes are really valuable for those who do not have time to take the live classes or just want to review.
5. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you log in.
6. Weekly conference calls with the publisher and other community members. Our weekly calls discuss the issues we see happening in the world of men in a friendly group setting.
7. PLATINUM member commenting badge. Only members can comment!
Price for ANNUAL PLATINUM membership is $50/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL GOLD membership will include:
1. Free access to any ONE Social Interest Groups.Try them out! We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time.
2. Free access to any ONE of our live classes. Each month, we have the following: Learn how to be a Rising Star in media, build your own platform, become an advanced writer, become an editor or create social change. Check out our classes here. RSVP for any one class—if you want to take more, just upgrade to an Annual Platinum Membership.
3. Invitation to the MEMBER-ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook and all Weekly Friday Conference calls with the Publisher and community. Connect with other members online and by phone!
4. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
5. GOLD commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL GOLD membership is $25/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL BRONZE membership will include:
1. Invitation to weekly conference calls with the publisher and community. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
2. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
3. BRONZE member commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL BRONZE membership is $12/year.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
—
Single? Ready for Love? Check out our partner, MeetMindful. The more conscious dating site.
—
You might also like these From The Good Men Project:
Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | Thirty-One Reasons Men Don’t Cheat | What Makes a Man Attractive? | Here’s What Happens When You Find The One |
Photo: Shutterstock
Very good. Will read this several times to integrate the points this excellent article is talking about
Good article, informative & well put. The gender bias doesn’t always hold though. I’ve worked with couples where it’s the reverse. It’s not always the man who doesn’t show up emotionally… Thanks, Tom
Wow! Thanks!!
Sarah,
Instead of me making additional comments about your relationship, let me suggest a book that might help you and your partner come to a better understanding of each other and perhaps a deeper appreciation too: Getting the Love You Want.
(http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1445629053&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+the+love+you+want)
I recommend that you buy the book, read the chapters out loud to one another, and do the exercises. It just might help you both become more loving and supportive of each other.
What if the guy expresses that he is afraid of committing? To me, that’s a message to don’t even bother trying.
I would not necessarily interpret it this way. Maybe he is afraid and need more space and time to come to the realisation that he does want to commit. Your interpretation might also show your fear of losing him which he might feel. Just suggesting of course 🙂
My boyfriend tends to be emotionally distant, but he is able to open up when he feels safe. Unfortunately, there have been a few times during our relationship where we were connecting and it felt great and then he ruined it frankly by being too honest. For example, we were once having a great conversation about what we want sexually (he is often reticent about sex) and he mentioned he’d like to go to a sex shop with me and get a sex toy. I said I loved that idea. Then he ruined the moment by telling me about how… Read more »
p.s. I should mention that my boyfriend is an engineer and he takes things very literally, so if I say I want him to be honest, he is completely honest and then he wonders why I’m crying….
Your boyfriend may be cut off from his own feelings some of the time, he may have trouble experiencing empathy for others, and he may be confusing honesty with unconscious hostility toward you or others who are close to him. I’m also wondering whether he still has unresolved feelings and desires for his previous girlfriend, which may be a source of conflict in your relationship. The vibrator incident is a good example.
Unconscious hostility !
That was also my thoughts based on similar experience with women friends.
Insensitive remarks can end life long friendships.
Sarah,
Being a rather “square” engineer myself, I can still sympathize with you.
I think he needs to be directed, that even if you want him to open up, he should make an effort to do so in a way that is not comparative in any way, if you know what I mean. He should be able to say what he likes about, without saying that you are necessarily better, or worse, than anyone else, in some particular regard. Also, he should be able to express his desires without relating them to previous experiences…
Sarah,
Let me think about your situation some more, as I do my housework and gardening today. I believe there are actions you can take, but the emotional burden of your relationship, at least for a while, will fall upon your shoulders. You will need to ask yourself whether you want to assume this buden.
This was addressed in the article. If your partner says something that you get hurt about, take stock of your triggers and work through them. And in the moment, tell your partner the “I” feelings you discussed here: “when you talk about your ex, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, not as wild nor adventurous.” And also, the not caring about how you look is liberatory – he may not have told you how beautiful he thinks you are to him, but he was trying to pay you a compliment and didn’t say you were ugly at… Read more »