Jordan Gray says that the resulting emotions left over from sexual abuse can be healed with these three, loving steps.
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Although this is the first time I’ve written about it publicly, the issue of sexual abuse is one that is very important to me.
I have had multiple friends and lovers who have had sexual abuse in their past (either early childhood or later in life) and, with the average statistic saying that 1 in 3 women have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, chances are you know someone who has been sexually abused in some way as well.
Sexual abuse, in any of it’s various forms, often leaves the victim with a combination of feelings of shame, guilt, anger, and resentment. It’s quite common (especially if they were abused in their younger years) for the victim to internalize the experience and make it say something bad about themselves individually.
When this emotional residue/trauma gets stuck in the mind of the victim it often manifests itself later in life in the form of sexual blocks… blocks that keep the person emotionally and sexually repressed, never wanting to fully open for fear of facing the underlying hurt that still exists within them.
The repressed trauma might reveal itself as an unwillingness to fully relax, receive, or open during sexual intimacy… or they might cry every time they orgasm… or maybe they have a deep fear of letting you touch a certain part of their body. Any of those three things can be totally healthy in certain contexts, but if it’s a constant theme and they want to be able to move through it, then this article is for you the two of you.
All toxic emotions can be melted through with enough time, love, and patience… and the feelings that surround sexual abuse are no different.
I have had the privilege of helping many of my former lovers work through some deep-seeded toxic shame that was placed on them from past sexual abuse and, while I am not a registered sex therapist, I have found with 100% consistency that the following methods work wonderfully for helping people work through any difficult emotions resulting from sexual abuse.
Here are three steps you can take to help your partner work through their stuck emotions from past sexual abuse.
1. Come to the relationship having worked through your own stuff enough to have compassion for them
If you have faced yourself and felt the majority of your own previously feared feelings with love and compassion, it will be that much easier for you to face your partner with love. In other words, if you don’t fear the full spectrum of your own emotions then you won’t fear your partner’s full spectrum of emotions either.
It’s very challenging to be able to really hold space for someone else’s experience if you don’t give yourself the same liberty to feel your feelings without judgment. So make sure that (whether through journalling, talk based therapy, or working with a trusted coach) you have done your own work and come to a place of love and acceptance with yourself first.
2. Be a safe, non-shaming space for them to talk to about their past experiences from day one
Come into your relationship with the overarching intention that your relationship is a safe space and one of the major purposes of the relationship is to allow for each other’s healing. Make sure that you both understand that emotions lash out sometimes and they may manifest themselves in strange thoughts, words, or ideas, but that thoughts aren’t necessarily truth, and any and all emotions that come up are valid and beautiful in their own right.
Those were some long sentences. What I’m saying is that whatever you or your partner feel, it’s all good. It’s all welcome. It’s all okay to express.
Whatever might come up for them, in or out of the bedroom, is 100% acceptable and loveable. Setting this foundation from day one will make the following step that much easier (not that you necessarily need it to be easy… intentional relationships are deep and vital work, and that doesn’t always mean that it’s going to be easy).
3. When your partner’s old emotional wound comes up in bed, embrace it and encourage their emotions with full love and acceptance
Some of the most common emotional experiences that tack themselves on to the victim of sexual abuse are shame and guilt… and both of these emotions make the victim want to push people away. They might experience the feelings (or themselves) as wrong, disgusting, or somehow inherently damaged beyond all repair. In order for the shame to keep thriving, they may try to put more distance between the two of you. Either by keeping the emotions hidden, or even by physically pushing you away when they feel the most triggered.
Let’s say that when your partner has an orgasm from penetrative sex (male or female) they cry after orgasm (especially deeper orgasms like G-spot or cervical) and feel intense shame. Their shame voice may tell them to push you away or to retreat internally (i.e. hide and internalize… something that shame is very good at). Shame thrives in solitude, and is doused and eradicated by love and acceptance.
When your partner begins to cry, envelope them… energetically, emotionally, and physically. Wrap your arms around them. Kiss them. Tell them how much you love them.
Encourage the fullness of their emotional release. Tell them that you’ve got them, and that you love them. Tell them their tears are beautiful. Tell them that they’re safe. Tell them to let it all out. Let them have the fullest expression of their emotional release as possible (as much as they are willing to let out in each session of emotional release – as there is no rush for them to melt through whatever there is to melt through).
Let it come, and love them through it.
When you envelope their fear, shame, guilt, or sadness in love and acceptance, it will melt away the sexual shame. Guaranteed. Not necessarily in one round of healing, but sooner than you each thought possible.
Remember, relationships are ultimately about healing and growing.
And sex is equally, if not more, healing. The way we show up in bed is a microcosm of how we live our lives. And if you can help your partner open up more fully and be less afraid of their emotions, past, and sexuality, don’t be surprised if you see them open up more throughout their entire lives after healing their sexual trauma. I’ve known clients that have had full life/career turnarounds after transformative, deeply healing sex with their compassionate, non-shaming partner. They felt like they were allowed to be their authentic selves for the first time since childhood. Because that’s the power of sex and relationship.
Love them. Accept them. Let them feel whatever they need to feel. And be there to hold them through it.
This is how we heal the world. One loving embrace at a time.
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This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DollarPhotoClub.com
The stuff in here about communication is great. But if your partner begins to relive their trauma at any point during sex please DO NOT force them to hug it out. This is terrible advice, and literally the opposite of what you should do. If someone is reminded of a time when their sense of self, control, and bodily autonomy were taken from them, create a safe space for them to feel that, but put them in charge and communicate. Don’t hug them unless they explicitly give them permission. There are certainly some people who can experience healing from that… Read more »
Thank you for such a beautifully written article Jordan. I love how you draw from your experience and are brave enough to share your personal stories. Well done.
Thank you Jordan for writing this article. Your compassion, understanding, insight, and experience with helping partners with a history of sexual abuse heal is very much appreciated. I have a history of incest and sexual assault. Healing has been an lifelong process. I have explored a wide variety of healing modalities – all of which have helped tremendously. The most difficult and critical part of healing is within a relationship. My ex-husband (who also had a history of abuse) left the marriage at a pivotal point. Although I have had a couple of partners that were more compassionate than others,… Read more »
My thought exactly, James Carter. I’m a survivor. Men are 1 in 6, and probably more due to how few men ever dare to come forward. Also, while this article has some good advice, it is far too simplistic and pat, and the “guaranteed” aspect is downright ridiculous. Having a “hug it out” session can be great, but it doesn’t fix my emotional and sexual damage “guaranteed”. I’m in long term therapy for my many abuse problems, and therapy can help – with a licensed and experienced doctor who works with abuse victims like me. Also, I have many physical… Read more »
W.R.R I agree with everything you say and I also hate it when Jordan uses his past lovers as examples. This is not professional but sound pretty self absorbed. To deal with the damage of sexual abuse is far more difficult than what Jordan seems to think and he is also ignorant about symptoms or problems is causes. And he forgot males with this background as well. Yesterday I looked back on my life and saw three of my romantic relationships has been with men that told me about their sexual abuse history. Maybe I have also know men and… Read more »
typo
maybe I have known men that never told anyone …
Why no mention of male victims?
Why do male victims have to be talked about in this article? Not mentioning men who are victims of sexual abuse is now a crime of inequality onto itself? Does every article that addresses the abuse of one gender have to include the other to be ‘fair’? Aren’t there articles on GMP that strictly address the abuse of men? Isn’t it totally okay when an article stands alone to address men’s experiences alone or a womens? These are honest questions if you are so inclined to discuss them with me. I can only assume that Jordon is giving heterosexual men… Read more »
Erin, if Jordan had specified it was meant for non-victim heterosexual men to give them advice in how to help their female partners, I wouldn’t have left my comment. To me, he is using a broad general title and then going on with article as if only women are victims. If it is for male partners of female survivors, it should say so in the title, or in the first paragraph. I have written a few articles here for male survivors. I have also read other articles that were intended for male survivors where several women commented on how it… Read more »
W.R.R. – thank you, I appreciate your acknowledgement that I try to be respectful of others. I appreciate us being able to have this kind of conversation. I would truly be interested in reading and learning from your story and experience with abuse. Can you point me to the titles you wrote? I don’t fully understand why Jordan would have to specify that this article was meant for “non-victim heterosexual men”. But is that what you’d like from GMP? For every article that is henceforth written about male or female or transgender experience be approached with a disclaimer about who… Read more »
I had a little trouble following what you were saying, but if I understood you correctly, I can concede that disclaimers and long drawn out specific target titles might get exhausting. A wonderful friend of mine who helps me a lot with trying to grasp how the world works, explained this concept to me with the terms “hippos and elephants” (just to take some of the charged emotions out of it that get attached to other terms). Some articles are to/for/about hippos, and other articles are to/for/about elephants. Some are about both, but that’s another topic. The point is, if… Read more »
Men are sexually abused as well. Why just focus on women?
He alludes to it here:
“Let’s say that when your partner has an orgasm from penetrative sex (male or female) they cry after orgasm”
Everything about the advice portion of the article is gender neutral, and he framed this by highlighting that his primary experience is with his former lovers. Additionally, he doesn’t claim to be a therapist. This article is clearly meant to be a starting point for couples.
If you want a different article, take your experience and research and write it.
GOOD point!! I also think the statistics are much higher, as I know it happens much more than is reported!!