Divorce can hit your kids hard. These four tips from Jenny Kanevsky—who is in the process with her two boys—can help your kids fare better during challenging times.
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Today, divorced parents seem nearly as common as together parents. Although many still tout the divorce rate to be at 50%, according to a December 2014 article in The New York Times titled: How We Know the Divorce Rate is Falling, this is inaccurate. The means by which rates are measured differ from state to state; people remarry, which skews the data, and fewer people are marrying. So while 50% of today’s marriages may or may not end in divorce, one thing is certain: divorce is an integral part of our culture. Regardless of the data, awareness and acceptance of diverse and differently-structured families is increasing—from gay parents, to non-married with children, to single parent by choice, to childless by choice, to divorced co-parents, a family is a family is a family. And, thankfully, divorce is less of a stigma than in the past.
But none of this matters to children of divorce. It helps eventually; the not being alone. They have friends with whom they can commiserate, they are not the only ones with two households, and they don’t feel like outcasts or failures. I speak from experience. I was, despite the article above listing the 70s as peak divorce years, the only kid in my class, until high school, with two households. Some of that may have been socioeconomic or geographic; it didn’t matter, I felt alone. And now, my own marriage—with two young children—has broken apart.
On an emotional level, when parents divorce, they are not just ending the marriage, they are splitting up the family. Regardless of shared peer experience, divorce is traumatic and life-defining for children.
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I am processing in my own way. I have to step out of that to parent, be the adult and make sure their emotional needs are met.
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As I navigate through my divorce, I watch my sons, ages nine and 13 deal with a wide range of emotions and stressors. Their process is their own, and as different as their personalities. I need to pay attention to the roller coaster that is their life, just as I do for myself. I also need to honor their differences. Brother to brother, they are each handling things their own way. It’s in part due to their ages and in part their personalities. It just is. And, of course, I am processing in my own way. I have to step out of that to parent, be the adult and make sure their emotional needs are met.
My boys’ feelings range from overwhelmed, to isolated, smothered, depressed, or even ignored. Helping them manage is a tough juggling act. One may be alone and reading, just wanting quiet, while his younger brother craves contact and connection. Finding a balance for them while trying to parent well and practice my own self-care is a challenge.
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I recently wrote a post for this site called The Five Stages of Grief and Loss in Divorce,where I talked about my experience with denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness, and acceptance. The stages, initially identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying”, are not linear. We experience them in our own way on our own time. The goal, of course, is to get to acceptance. But there is no timeline, and even once in acceptance, some anger or sadness might creep back in now and again. As an adult, I watch as I toggle between anger and sadness, I recall the days of bargaining, and frankly, today, I’m nowhere near acceptance. Not even close.
I want them to be happy, but I know they will face future hardship, loss, and disappointment. How I parent them through this traumatic time will impact their future happiness and resiliency.
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What is critical is that,as a parent, I also guide my children through these stages. They need this. They need me. My leading them down this path will serve them now and will help them later in life. I want them to be happy, but I know they will face future hardship, loss, and disappointment. How I parent them through this traumatic time will impact their future happiness and resiliency.
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So, how do I guide two very different personalities through the hardest time of their lives, whilst in it myself? First of all, I’m making mistakes—let’s just get that out of the way.
Last night, I kind of lost it. I was pissed off and tired, tired of doing everything as the only adult, tired of my youngest’s sleep issues, which break my heart but also exhaust me, tired of my oldest’s need to isolate and frustrated by the state of limbo in which I find myself. So, I started harping on them. It was about mundane things like putting dishes in the dishwasher and brushing teeth, but my frustration was disproportionate to reality. At first my older son pushed back and we started arguing and then finally he said:
“Mom. Mom, stop, you are not this angry about the dishes. What is going on? All of a sudden you’re so upset. What’s wrong?”
And I looked at him and thought, this is a wise child and he’s aware enough to see I’m a person too. My anger dissolved.
“I’m sick of being the only adult, I’m tired, I do everything, I’m frustrated and this is really hard.”
And, he hugged me and said, “I know Mom. You do a lot. I’ll try to do better about putting my dishes away.”
And we hugged and I apologized.
Now, the only reason he knows how to do that, how he was able to take me from misdirected anger to my real feelings, is because I do it with him and his brother.
So, for me, that’s first on my list of the few simple things I’m doing: trying to stay in touch with my real feelings. You can do these too if your kids when dealing with a divorce or other loss.
Get in touch with how you and your kids really feel.
It was obvious, even subconsciously as I heard myself yelling, that I was not angry at my kids about the dishes or whatever else; I can’t even remember. That’s just not me. I was feeling overwhelmed and sad.
This happens with my kids all the time. My youngest has gotten so in touch with his feelings that he’ll skip the fighting and belligerence and go right to “I’m sad, Mommy.” So, we skip my frustration and we get to what’s really going on. The dishes can wait. I care if my boys are sad and want to be there for them.
I try to pay attention to their changing needs throughout this process. To know what triggers certain emotions, anticipate tough times after transitions from one house to the other, and be ready to talk about it.
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Sometimes, the feelings are anger or frustration. I try to pay attention to their changing needs throughout this process. To know what triggers certain emotions, anticipate tough times after transitions from one house to the other, and be ready to talk about it. Or, I leave them alone but keep my door open. It’s their process.
Be the adult.
I didn’t feel like a good mom when my 13-year-old son had to talk me down the other day, because, I’m the adult. I’m also human and frankly, I was proud of him. It’s OK to be sad, to make a mistake, adults do that, but I’m their mom and when it needs to be about them, I need to step up. When my son is crying and nothing makes sense anymore, I don’t get to say “Mommy is really sad too, this is so hard for me.” No. Then, he worries about me. It’s not about me in that moment. I can cry to my friends that nothing makes sense anymore. I have other support systems. My children are not there to support me or commiserate with me. When they need nurturing, it stays about them. Period.
Teach, model, and honor coping skills.
While my older son has needed more alone time since the separation, my youngest needs more nurturing and socializing. They both want and need more from me in terms of caretaking, and I’m doing that. At the same time, I am trying to gently encourage them to help themselves. My oldest needs more down time, but a well-timed outing with a friend or even a visit from me in his bedroom, works wonders. In fact, I go in everyday for about ten minutes after he’s been home from school for an hour, just to check in. We chat and then he’ll say “OK, Mom. I’m done. Love you.” And I leave.
My youngest sometimes sits on my lap and cries and moans about how life is awful and everything is ruined. I let him do that for a few minutes and then, I redirect, because he has good in his life and I want him to see that. Last night, he cried in my arms for twenty minutes, I held him, told him being sad was OK, and let him cry. When it was enough, we started planning his summer birthday party and he realized, yes, there are good things in my life, there are things to look forward to.
Relax the rules.
I say things like “It’s a tough time right now, so let’s cut each other some slack, and yes, you can watch an extra show.”
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We are not going hog wild over here, but some things just get forgiven, and that’s OK. We’re in survival mode right now. Nothing has been finalized, tensions are still high between me and their father, school is winding down; a lot feels up in the air. I say things like “It’s a tough time right now, so let’s cut each other some slack, and yes, you can watch an extra show.” Extra hugs, the special popsicles, skipping something here or there if my kid says “I’m just not up for it.” I know how he feels. I haven’t felt up for much either lately; our life is in turmoil. It won’t always be this way, and I remind them of that as well.
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As I look back on these last four months, I can see that my boys are doing better, but there are still issues. I’m taking it day-by-day, planning for the summer and fun times ahead all the while knowing they will need more care around this divorce, whether from me, their dad, or a professional. But, they are adjusting. And the things I’m doing—when I get them right— are helping. We are nowhere near a new normal and that’s OK. Because I know we’ll get there.
Photo—Matt Preston/Flickr
Thank you for sharing a very difficult experience with us. It’s helped me as I have recently separated from my husband and I was shocked by the feeling of grief that overwhelmed me because when I got married 15 years ago I married ‘for life’. I also had to support my little seven year old fairy who was utterly confused.
Jenny, This is great. I wish I had this guidance when I went through divorce. I also appreciate your courage in sharing your experiences in the midst of the changes you are going through. I know other parents and children will benefit greatly.
This is a great article! My parents didn’t give two shits about me in their divorce. It was hell. “Teach, model, and honor coping skills.” That would have been extremely helpful. Being an only child, I had no one. I have the upmost respect for you and admire your effort.
Thank you, Sara. I had a similar experience when my parents divorced. I won’t do that to my kids. I know the damage it did. It’s so hard, even with support. I appreciate your kind words.