Here’s how to avoid your bundles of joy from absolutely shredding your relationship…
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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I remember so clearly how wonderful things were with my wife and I for the first three years of our marriage. Though we were working ungodly hours every day building a successful business together, we loved every minute of it. And, we NEVER fought. I also remember telling her, as we prepared to have children, we must always be aware that it is our special bond and relationship that is bringing them into the world. This beautiful, essential thing we have together must never become diminished in any way just because we are having kids. So romantic, so idealistic, so… wrong.
EVERYTHING Changes With Kids
Right. Well that pep talk went right out the window with a whack on the bottom of our beautiful first born daughter as she cried out in no uncertain terms that she has just arrived in our world. And things just went downhill from there.
Like most new parents, we had no idea on what to expect with this new bundle of joy (despite all the books we read). On top of all that refined cluelessness, our new daughter made things so much more interesting by being incessantly colicky. She just would not stop crying unless one of us held and gently rocked her –like all the freak’n time. Just perfect for those come-hither glances I gave my wife when I was feeling frisky (which was all the time too) only to have her return with the “You’ve GOT to be kidding me!” stare. One that included the oh-so subtle but supremely effective subtext of “You selfish bastard –how can you possibly be thinking about sex when our daughter is in distress!”. As a side note to new dads, never EVER argue with or even try to calm your wife down when she hears the baby cry. Her mothering instinct and hormones are in overdrive and she will simply run you over as if you were some insignificant rodent innocently crossing the road as if she were driving madly to put out a fire.
I know, I was a complete idiot for even thinking about having sex during the day. The only problem was, the nights were worse. You see, for the first 18 months, our daughter would not sleep unless she was in our bed –seriously. And by the time we figured out how to have her sleep quietly in her own crib, the cracks in our relationship already started to form.
Progeny 1, Relationship 0
All it takes is a bit of unresolved wounding within your relationship that turns your little rug rats into intimacy-sucking black holes of 100% focus on them. When your wife and mother of your children starts feeling separation from you, count on her putting most of her attention on the kids. It’s only natural, socially sanctioned and almost always the beginning death-knell of your intimate relationship.
When this happens, it is not unusual for the dad to start feeling resentment toward the kids, for hogging all of the wife’s attention leaving almost none for him. And, if he foolish enough to even hint that his needs are not being met (emotional or physical), then his chances of being labeled the world’s biggest jerk just increased significantly. Here’s the thing. When your kids become the primary (or in many cases, 100%) focus of your relationship, it is in deep, deep trouble before you even realize it.
All it takes is a bit of unresolved wounding within your relationship that turns your little rug rats into intimacy-sucking black holes of 100% focus on them.
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And it doesn’t get any better as the kids mature. There’s school, sports, birthday parties, extracurricular activities etc. Trust me, there are nearly infinite ways to focus exclusively on your kids, turning your relationship into a mere shadow of its former, glorious self.
Despite intellectually understanding what was happening, my resentment continued to build. Including through the process of having our second wonderful child. It finally got to the point where I just threw myself into my business to support the family. A behavior that was socially sanctioned, practical and the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. I finally ended our marriage after 26 years, where things got so bad that the last 11 of those years we were 100% celibate. Unfortunately, not a very uncommon outcome.
How to Avoid the Almost Inevitable
I believe we actually started out on the right foot by declaring the importance of our relationship despite having kids prior to having them. Where things fell apart was in the execution once we did. There was no disciplined follow through to make it real. If I were to do this over, I would insist that my wife and I have a date night at least once a week no matter what. No distractions of any kind allowed unless it is an emergency. As her husband, I would also be much more cognizant of her needs during this time, not be so quick to rush into sex. Instead, I would spend a great deal more time being fully present for her and giving her plenty of time to “warm up” to the point where she wanted physical intimacy. And during this special time together, we ideally would reaffirm our commitment to each other as the nucleus of our wonderful family. One where our relationship demonstrates every day what genuine intimacy (emotional, physical etc.) looks like so our kids would have a good model for when it is their turn. This includes displays of affection between my wife and I so that the kids also see that Dad has a special relationship with Mom distinct from theirs.
The other thing I would do differently is insist that we maintain complete authenticity in our communications. If there is ever a charge between us (which you can expect almost daily with kids) we would always be willing to talk about it authentically and vulnerably. This way, small wounds don’t turn into gaping ones that become further wedged by over focus on the kids.
Someone once said that having children is the most wonderful and awful thing that can happen to your life. And it has been my experience that there is more than a bit of truth in that.
Just remember this. Someday your kids will grow up and leave home. How you look at each other in a now otherwise empty home can run the gamut from “Now what?” to “Yahoo! Let’s just you and me have some fun!” Where your relationship fits on that spectrum totally depends on how consciously you both worked to preserve the spark and beauty of your joining together within the context of noisy, demanding, poopy, snotty-nosed kids who also happen to be the other joy of your life. With conscious discipline it really doesn’t have to be either / or.
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image: DepositPhotos.com
Reading this made me think quite profoundly about the kind of relationship my parents had. A few years ago, my father left (coincidentally also after 26 years of marriage) and I have never blamed him, because I had seen all of this happen to him while I was growing up. Of course, I also see how it all affected my mother, both during their relationship and after, and I sympathise with both of them. Having children changes the whole dynamic of a relationship; suddenly, there is this other person there who demands so much time and attention – and no… Read more »
I have noticed, and talked about, with both my ex wife and many of her peers that after children women loose the biological urge to be intimate and have sex, so no matter how hard you try, how much work load you contribute, how slow you take it, how much you communicate, or how long you wait, once the purpose of reproduction is fulfilled the spark will die and nothing can relight it. The net and gmp is full of stories and groups for men going through this. This is why, i think, 90% of divorces are initiated by the… Read more »
Why on Earth would you want to be with a woman like that? A sexless relationship is a friendship. If the sex dies down after kids and doesn’t return, she needs to work on that.
You did notice I wrote ‘ex wife’?
Unfortunately, hormones have a huge impact on women’s sexual feelings. I recently hit menopause and sex is now a problem for the first time in my life. I always had a high sex drive, now it is almost totally kaput. Every woman responds differently but chances are if she says she has no urge to have sex,mshe’s telling the truth and it is really not her fault.
This never ever was the case for me so I just want to represent the women out there whose sex drive was never adversely affected by child bearing.
I never associated sex purely with the urge to procreate so there was no reason it would become less appealing when my family was complete.
I wish I could say your story is a unique one, or at best, rare. But it’s not. Even with authentic communication, and putting forth concerted effort into understanding your partner not just hearing them, cutting slack for being tired (I would know… I did midnight-4am duty for all three of mine), the most inevitable thing I learned was: you cannot force them to follow you on a path towards growth. Sometimes they really do find it easier to just say to hell with you and focus their efforts on your offspring. Even six years later, when they realize they… Read more »
Well said. Stress of any kind can be very detrimental even to the best of relationships. What I’ve learned that has made a huge difference for me on how I handle these kinds of situations is to become the “Observer” rather than get sucked into the drama of it all. That doesn’t mean resigning to your current situation –it simply means being acutely aware of it, dispassionately, and then having a clear heart and mind to make whatever changes you feel are necessary to improve your circumstances. And I couldn’t agree with you more about “investing” time and effort into… Read more »
Whatever we “settle” for, your first sub-header in this article was “EVERYTHING Changes With Kids”.
You can go about and “observe” however much you want. Whatever changes and improvement you put your mind and effort to, won’t make a difference as long as the communication in the relationship only goes one way and your desires, needs or points of views are routinely put at the bottom of the list.