Dillan DiGiovanni offers an innovative way men can really help their families.
I was sitting in a cafe last week and a family sat at the table beside me.
It was an older couple, maybe in their 60s, and their young adult daughter.
They were impeccably dressed and seemed to really be enjoying each others’ company–I thought maybe they were the young woman’s parents visiting from out of town.
Within a few minutes, I overheard a bit of their conversation. What I noticed made me listen more intently, not for the content, mind you, but for the pattern in the conversation. Whenever I see a family hanging out like this, I really pay attention because I didn’t have this experience myself growing up. It feels rather scientific to observe human behavior that is unfamiliar for me so I try to do it as often as possible.
It began when I did this as part of a job I held a few years ago. I was groomed to be somewhat of a militant feminist. That grooming included sort of a man-hating vibe–specifically regarding white men. Part of the work I did for that job included “calling out” white men for acting out their privilege. This was important work because it was here that I learned the real ways that people are socialized and how they behave as a result.
But I was never totally on board with it. It felt weird to categorize and condemn a whole group of people based on behavior they were taught as part of their social upbringing.
Having transitioned from female to male in the past few years, what I’ve learned about male behavior that I didn’t know before could (and probably will) fill a whole book. Most importantly, I learned that a lot of the beliefs I once held about men were false, unjustified and based ignorance or my own personal bias.
So, when I’m out in public now, instead of scanning a room like the Terminator hoping to find people I can or should “call out”, I just listen. I’ve learned that most men really have the best intentions and really want to be helpful. The complicated dynamics of social interaction and socialization between the two primary sexes/genders can sometimes make that difficult for everyone.
What I observed happening between the man and his wife and daughter, presumably, was his attempt to help. They were talking about an issue in the daughter’s life and I only heard his voice, going on and on. He wasn’t asking questions to get more information. He wasn’t inquiring about how his daughter felt. When his wife interjected, he cut her off and invalidated her opinion.
He was trying to help. He was asserting himself and his opinion, as most men are socialized to do. Much like I’m doing right now with this article.
It seemed to me, having been socialized in a very different way and learning more effective techniques as a coach that actually help me help people, that talking the whole time doesn’t really help people at all. When men do this, in their attempts to propose a solution, give advice or “fix” whatever is wrong, they are effectively sabotaging their best efforts to actually be of service.
A few ways men can really help their wives and kids is to talk less, listen more, ask more questions and offer support if needed. It may feel weird and maybe counter-intuitive for some, I know. It may feel incredibly passive and not like help at all. But, based on what I’ve experienced in my own past, and the looks on the faces of the women at the table, I might be onto something.
I saw their eyes cast down. I saw them nodding a lot. I didn’t even hear what their voices sounded like.
If this husband and father was really trying to help, I don’t know that he was effective. He may have been given most people in this country consider interactions like this completely normal. But it isn’t the only way folks can and do interact with each other. Research shows when people articulate their own goals and course of action it improves their results over time.
Moving from advice-giving and dominating conversations to gradually stepping back and practicing new habits around listening and support could be an incredibly innovative way for men to truly help the women in their lives.
Dillan DiGiovanni is a certified teacher and integrative health coach, currently working and living in Somerville, MA. You can read more of his writing at DillanDiGi.com and the GoodMenProject.
photo courtesy of Jocelyn Kinghorn/Flickr