Emotional healing expert Amy Scher offers advice how to handle teasing from your significant other.
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Editor’s Note: We know our readers have questions about all sorts of topics. For issues concerning physical health, you can consult a medical professional. But when it comes to your emotional health and wellbeing, short of a therapist (and the commitment of time and money that comes with that process), where do you turn? Here, of course. We’ve engaged Amy B. Scher, an emotional healing expert and bestselling author to answer your questions. To start things off, we’ve asked Amy a question to which we think many people might want the answer: How to respond when your partner teases you. You can submit questions for Amy in the comments or by emailing us at [email protected]. Not all questions will be answered or published.
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Q: My new partner loves to tease me. Sometimes, I laugh, but sometimes I feel stung. My partner says she loves me and it’s all in good fun, and I want to believe her, but if she loves me, why would she say things that hurt me? And how do I know where the line is between healthy teasing and verbal abuse?
Here’s the thing about relationships—they are big ol’ fluorescent yellow highlighters that show us exactly what our triggers are.
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Here’s the thing about relationships—they are big ol’ fluorescent yellow highlighters that show us exactly what our triggers are. Sometimes we are triggered by healthy teasing because we make a meaning from the teasing that matches up with our beliefs about ourselves. Or it pokes at something that happened in our childhood. These are great opportunities to look at ourselves and try to work on the triggers.
But of course, we might also be with someone who is an ass to us. Yep, we’ve got to put that one on the table, too. There’s a big difference between healthy teasing that acts as healthy impetus for our self-improvement work, and verbal abuse, which is just no good no matter what.
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Here are four super simple questions you can ask yourself to figure out what’s what.
1. Does this remind me of a time I’ve been hurt or teased before?
Typically, things that upset us are reminding us in some way of negative experiences that have come before. That means that while the current thing is happening, we are not only reacting to that but all of the emotions that we’re still holding onto from a past similar memory. So when your sweet Jane is teasing you about your messy handwriting, your brain isn’t thinking “yeah, I’m so much better at typing!” it’s thinking of when your teacher in second grade teased you in front of the whole class about writing some of your letters backward.
If you answered YES, you’re most likely dealing with: A trigger.
2. Is the message I’m receiving from this person the same as the message I’ve always given to myself?
Try to figure out what message you are taking away from the teasing. What idea are you walking away with? Maybe it’s that you’re not good at cooking? The idea that you are worth less because you make less money than her? If you believe things about yourself like “I’m not good enough” or “nothing I ever do is right,” it won’t take very much at all to be thrown into a space where you are convinced your partner is telling you the same thing. Why? Because you have one foot in the door of that camp already and your perceptions can be a tiny bit skewed (okay, maybe a lot skewed). Ask yourself if the message you’re taking away from the teasing lines up with what you already believed about yourself before your partner came along?
If you answered YES, you’re most likely dealing with: A trigger.
3. Would this be a red flag if my friend’s wife or girlfriend was saying this to him? Would it be a red flag if this was said to me in a new friendship?
Taking yourself out of the equation for a moment can help you gain distance and separate from strong emotions. Think about your sibling or a friend telling you this same thing about their own relationship. Or think about them teasing you in the same way? If it was a friend’s relationship with their partner, would it cause you to worry about your friend? Would you fear they were engaged in an abusive situation? If your BFF said this to you, would you be terribly hurt?
If you answered YES, you’re most likely dealing with: An ass.
4. Does your partner respond to your hurt feelings with more teasing?
Noticing how your partner responds when you resist the teasing or share that it hurts is a great indicator of what’s really going on. If your partner puts the brakes on the teasing and really get where you’re coming from, she’s most likely was coming from a genuine place. If you’re honest about your feelings and she responds in a way that makes you feel better, not worse; you’ve probably got a keeper. But as a double check, ask yourself: Does my partners dismiss my feelings and use them as more ammunition for the teasing?
If you answered YES, you’re most likely dealing with: An ass.
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People tend to say, “someone who loves you would never treat you that way.” I do believe it’s possible for someone to love us but have no idea how to treat us; or choose not to treat us in a way that aligns with how we know they should.
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The most important thing in this situation is to listen to your own inner voice. You may think it’s confused but if you’re brutally honest with yourself, you will see that you do know the difference between “okay with me” and “way not” deep down. I think there is a misconception about abuse that makes us complicate things. People tend to say, “someone who loves you would never treat you that way.” I do believe it’s possible for someone to love us but have no idea how to treat us; or choose not to treat us in a way that aligns with how we know they should. It’s a moot point though. We and only we get to decide if the love or behavior of another is something we want to allow.
If you’re still confused after trying to separate triggers from truth, a professional will be able to sort it out, pronto. While friends and family may be overly-protective of you or even have their own attachments to your partner making it difficult to see things clearly, a pro will not be blinded. They can usually take one look at a relationship dynamic and say either “We have work to do on you taking things personally,” or “Whoa dude … this woman’s gonna be big trouble.”
Not all questions addressed to Amy Scher will be answered or published. The opinions expressed in the answers do not constitute professional advice. Neither Amy B. Scher nor The Good Men Project assume any responsibility or liability whatsoever for any actions taken by, or reactions that ensue from, anyone following the recommendations in the answers.
Photo credit—lauren rushing/flickr
I really like this way of breaking things down. I’ve experienced a lot of the “trigger” variety of situations.
Does the person “dismiss my feelings and use them as ammunition for more teasing?” A certain toxic friend did that while I was busting my a– cooking a spicy Asian shrimp soup that I thought his pregnant wife and his visiting friend would like…I had worked a long hard day at work and was rushing around in the kitchen to be the perfect hostess….but the barbs kept coming in…when my husband was out of the room, the frenemy said something very nasty to me out of the blue….I seethed silently and turned away pretending I heard a silly joke ….but… Read more »
Good for you! Life’s short, don’t waste time on A$$holes!
As someone who’s been ‘Teased’ my whole early life (told, “You have to learn to take it to be a man”) I can honestly say that the first time a woman ‘Teased’ me, it would be the last time. I think my wife of almost 40 years must have ‘picked up’ on this because she has never done this(then again, maybe it’s not in her nature and that’s what drew me to her) It’s torture in that it denies your sense of ‘Validation’, your very right to be here, to exist.
Insightful and helpful. Made me giggle because it’s true…trigger or ass. 🙂
Very helpful!
This is amazing! Thank you so much.