Tamara Star learned the hard way that ‘the dark night of the soul’ is really a time of transformation. Here’s how she saw her way through.
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I make it a rule to never take advice from someone who hasn’t been there, so I’ll share with you what happened, and then I’ll share how I got through my own personal tunnel of hell.
In a 30 day period I lost it all. My money, love, health, a baby, beloved pets, security, and my pride.
My boyfriend at the time ended our relationship while I held the still dripping, positive pregnancy pee stick—his response to having a baby with me was to end things and share that he hoped to tile his kitchen and travel that summer. I lost the baby at 9 weeks and suffered an extreme crash of hormones. Being in my 40′s, I realized this was probably my last chance to have a child.
To make matters worse: 48 hours after losing the baby I learned my bank accounts had been emptied. I had 40 cents in my pocket when I stood at that blinking ATM on an early July morning. Someone had sued me out-of-state and due to a loop-hole in the serving process, I never received notice and didn’t show up to defend myself. When you don’t show up, it’s as though you’re admitting guilt and judgments were issued—every account was emptied.
Seven days later, I was faced with putting my 16-year-old pet down, only to be followed by the rapid decline of my other 15-year-old pet 10 days later. If you’re like me pets are family. This was a loss beyond words.
My health was shot and continuing to decline, my mind was a mess, my heart was broken and I had 40 cents to my name. My father died years ago and I had been the one helping my mother financially. I was in my own words, lost.
Ancient cultures understood the dark night of the soul as a time of transformation. A time when personal strength is tested and the knowledge you’ve gained over the 1st half of your life is drawn up from the depths of your being and utilized.
In this culture it’s considered a mid-life crisis. We get face-lifts and sports cars. Couples run screaming from other couples divorcing, neighbors turn a blind eye as neighbors go into foreclosure, and fair weather friends back away quickly.
Instead of community support and wise elders to lean on, we’re left alone isolated by shame. What could be viewed as a phoenix rising is considered contagious drama.
For me, only a handful of people knew what was happening while most thought I was suddenly nuts. In the past I’d been the person others leaned on for advice and financial help. Now I was an empty vessel without a financially secure family for support. I looked like hell and felt even worse.
When I woke in the morning I wasn’t sure what to mourn: the relationship or the baby? My 2 pets, or my financial security? My health or the fact I could be homeless in a week? (my biggest fear in life–at this time a reality)
The grip of your biggest fear in the face of utter despair is a cold sharp knife that cuts deeply.
Have you ever experienced your life falling apart all at once? If you’ve been there or find yourself there right now, you’ll know what I mean. Sometimes during our darkest hours, a great light awakens inside and heightens our awareness.
I learned many things during that time, most of all I learned what true happiness was and how to actually be happy–happy when there was nothing outwardly to be happy about.
What I learned:
• If you’ve always been the strong one other people lean on, there’s a lot of growth when you ask for help. I learned who my real friends were and I learned I was loveable even when I wasn’t perfect. Had it gotten to the point of my moving in with family or friends, I know there would have been growth.
• The thought of selling everything and starting over was, in a tiny way, freeing. I realized nothing material mattered. My only fear was losing my remaining 2 pets if I had to couch surf.
• Because I tried to hide my pain by going to dinner with friends while pretending I wasn’t hungry since I had no money to spend—I learned who truly cared and who was in tune with my subtle changes. Lucky for me, a friend handed me a small amount of money unsolicited to get by while I got my head on straight. Her generosity taught me the phrase: While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person intimately.
• In business, I’m required to be clear and strong. You can’t be broken and effective at the same time so I learned how to: fake it until you make it. By faking my strength, even my smile, I slowly felt like myself again.
I witnessed the miracles of the universe—suddenly those cereal boxes and toothpaste samples coming free in the Sunday paper were valuable. With the help of my friend, I was able to cover my rent long enough to start billing in my business even though extras weren’t an option. Gone were all the extras—the monthly hair salon trips, cable, Internet and dog treats.
• I realized how wasteful I had been with food, clothing, and coffee shop stops. With no gas money, I rode my bike a lot that summer and reasoned with my car loan officer and insurance agents for reduced monthly payments—while witnessing the kindness that comes when we admit defeat.
How I did it:
• Each morning I forced myself to think of 3 things to be grateful for before letting my feet hit the carpet. If I didn’t do this, I would begin my day in the depressed way I had ended the night before. Soon I began doing this before bed and found that nights got easier.
• When the magnitude of my situation would hit mid-day, I forced myself to get outside, go for a walk and notice something beautiful. When life is bleak even the smallest gifts like the song of a bird or color of the sky can jar you up a notch.
• I listened to or read something inspirational daily. I couldn’t control the world around me but I could control my inner emotions. Yes I cried a lot, but I balanced those moments with what I was grateful for and kept moving towards what I wanted most—stability again.
• If I felt desperate and scared, I would imagine my worst case scenario: I would loan my dog and cat to people I trusted and couch surf, I would go on antidepressants, I would ask a friend if I could share dinner with them.
Once I knew my worst case scenario, I was able to relax a tiny bit and focus on what I was grateful for—often times the worst case scenario back up plan or the fact my dog was laying here next to me loving me no matter what.
When life blows up there is a crystal clarity that comes:
• All of the issues you’ve been hiding behind with your job or your money or your relationship are out there in the open.
• In the middle of the night, I learned to pray for help and finally learned to listen for the answer.
And in the end, most of all I learned that when we’re broken, we’re really just broken open.
I became the seed that sits in the dark, damp earth waiting for spring, deciding in which direction to send up a sprout.
When life unravels, we’re all that seed needing to trust that the darkness we’re residing in temporarily, will in the end move us towards our next fertile direction.
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~Originally posted as How to Bounce Back When Life Falls Apart via Daily Transformations
Photo by vincepal / flickr
When I read this, I felt a little less lonely. Your story inspires me and gives me hope. But I feel like I’m in the darkest moment of my life. I’m looking at the broken pieces: a destroyed marriage, unemployed, pregnant, depressed and with a lot of anger at 28. You didn’t mention thinking life is not worth to live, but I have thought that and that makes me feel guilty. I’m a few weeks away for my baby to arrive and my husband has become in someone I do not recognize. I’ve been alone in this relationship since we… Read more »
Thank you. Unfortunately I know from bitter experience that no matter how low you go sometimes life can drag you down further and often it has not much to do with how you are handling things yourself. I am going through something similar myself at the moment (not the loss of a baby part but my kids are involved) and I am doing much the same things as Tamara. *Find the wonder. Its there if you look. Really. If you need help play with a 5 year old, they’re the most experienced people around at finding it. *Don’t lie to… Read more »
Well said
This is a really great article–Thank you. I have learned to slow down and appreciate every good thing that I have. Let go of your expectations of how things “should” be. And don’t judge yourself.
Thank you so much for sharing! I got a lot out of this article. I’ve been in a dark place for quite sometime and articles like this give me some comfort. Thank you for sharing this.
What a perfect read for New Year’s Day. It can be lonely for those who are still in their messes to read all of the happy and optimistic posts that scatter throughout social media on days like today. Your personal story is sure to inspire hope and action for those frozen and staring and looking at all of the broken pieces. Thanks for sharing. Perfect.