It’s hard for kids to understand that you’re dating someone who is not their parent, but lying to them isn’t the answer they need.
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It’s not uncommon for young children of divorced parents to ask, “Daddy, do you still love Mommy?” And it’s not uncommon that Daddy replies, “Of course, sweetheart, I’m always going to love your mommy because she’s your mommy,” or some version of that.
It’s OK to give kids disappointing information. In doing so, you are showing that you trust that they will survive it. And they will.
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I used to tell my daughters something similar, until one day, I didn’t. One day, years after my divorce, I just off-handedly mentioned that I didn’t love their dad. “I really used to, when we were married, but I don’t anymore,” I said. Because I realized a couple of things.
One thing I realized from my therapy practice with children is that most children intuitively know much more than their parents think they know. If I had a latte for every time a parent said, “Little Jack Jack doesn’t know we fight,” and then once Little Jack Jack is alone with me the first thing out of his mouth is, “I don’t like it when mommy and daddy fight so much,” I would be an extremely over-caffeinated woman.
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A lot of things that kids say to their divorced parents, such as “Isn’t mommy just the best mommy?”, “Isn’t mommy one of your favorites, Daddy?” or “Will you and mommy live together again, Daddy?” are kids fishing for answers to sooth their own anxiety. Lying to assuage them only temporarily does so, because eventually you will do something that doesn’t align with the reassurance that you think mommy is still the greatest. It’s OK to give kids disappointing information. In doing so, you are showing that you trust that they will survive it. And they will.
One of them asked, “Which one is it for you with J.?” (a good question for us to ask ourselves, actually,) and I answered, “I’m not really sure yet.”
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Another thing I realized is that my kids might grow up to be single, married, divorced, un-partnered, partnered, polyamorous, you name it. I realized that I wanted to model for them being true to myself and walking towards my own desires. Modeling aloneness, while saying yes of course I still loved their dad, was not in tune with my own desires. And frankly, it was dishonest. It wasn’t even a representation of my real life.
This became really clear to me when I had been dating someone for four months and kept it from my kids, and my younger daughter asked me with genuine concern if I was going to be lonely while she was gone on vacation. Saying “yes” felt like a lie. Saying, “No because I’m spending it with this guy I’ve been dating for months” felt like too much of a surprise, and because of that, a betrayal.
So I decided to start telling them what dating was. Someday they would need to know, right? And dating is different for everyone. For some people, dating is trying someone out for something potentially more serious, like living together or marriage. For some people, dating is just spending time with someone you really super duper like and have a big crush on. I told them both these things. One of them asked, “Which one is it for you with J.?” (a good question for us to ask ourselves, actually,) and I answered, “I’m not really sure yet.”
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Most kids over four can understand a big crush. They probably have a big crush on a friend. Though theirs is likely not romantic, they can understand wanting to do most everything with one person, feeling better including this favorite person in your life, and feeling super good around said person. Essentially, being enamored. This being said, I don’t agree with telling kids that the person you’re dating is just a friend. It leads to confusion. If J. is a friend, why did you kiss J.? Why did J. give you that kind of hug? Why are we spending so much time with J.? Well, because, this is what having a big crush as a grownup looks like.
Unlike adults, children are completely disempowered during divorce.
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Being honest certainly doesn’t mean your kids are going to like it. Especially if you are newly single and they are still in the grieving phase from the divorce. This phase can last much longer for children than for parents. Unlike adults, children are completely disempowered during divorce. They don’t have a say if we work on the marriage or not, or where we live afterwards, or how much time we get to spend in each place. Though of course for the most part children shouldn’t have a say in these adult decisions, it is still an experience that can leave them reeling and searching for control wherever they can exercise it. One way they may exercise it is by not liking you dating. Another way is by making it hell to bring your significant other around them.
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There is a way to listen and honor what your child says about your divorce and your dating life, without taking it personally or softening to the point of acquiescing to their desires. If your child is seeking control through either what they tell you (“I hate J.!”) or their behavior (giving J.’s shoe to the dog to chew), I strongly caution you to not allow them control in this domain in your life. Your baby can learn that love is unquantifiable and you have tons for them and tons for J. Of course, you need to actually give them tons to prove it. But that doesn’t mean you should promise that J. won’t come around.
If your child says, “I don’t like it when J. comes over,” you can say, “I’m sorry you don’t like it. What do you think we could do to make it easier for you?”
If your child says, “I just wish you and mommy would live together again,” you can say, “you really miss those times, don’t you? It’s okay to still feel sad about that.”
If your child says, “Do you love J. as much as you love mommy?” you can say, “love is different every time. You can’t really compare it. But you know what? I don’t love anyone else like I love you and I never will.”
Of course, chances are decent that your child will be just fine with your J., and maybe even like her or him. Here’s hoping.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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