What if Roger Goodell got woke? A Wish List on how to fix football from friends and fans.
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In my head, a near-death experience that didn’t really happen gives us a platform to imagine a better NFL . . .
“I, Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL and Protecter of The Shield, did not in fact die. But that Twitter hoax really made me take stock of my life and my decisionmaking. You know the light that people say they see? I saw it. And having approached deaths door and turned back, my proverbial life has flashed before my eyes . . .”
So these are the 10 Things I Will Change From Here on Out:
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No more bilking and blackmailing cities and tax-payers to fund stadiums. Billionaire owners will pay for their own damned stadiums.
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NFL will immediately stop taking notes from Tobacco industry on CTE and obfuscating medical research with bogus committees and using money to direct biased studies. Will also support youth regulations of no tackle football until age 14.
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If you wobble after a hit or are slow to get up. It is mandatory to sit out that series and be properly checked for head injury symptoms. Every player goes through the concussion protocol every week.
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We’re going to stop at owning Sunday and Monday night, and not try and take over Thursday and Saturday too. Or Wednesday or Friday. Or Tuesday.
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We will find a definition of what a catch is and what pass interference is.
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We will ban the Dallas Cowboys and Jerry Jones. (What?! I’m a Giants fan.)
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When our players break the rules, we will dole out punishments based on the seriousness of the crime, not the amount of media outrage.
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Guaranteed salaries for the players. That way, players can take the time to recover from injuries.
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No mandatory press conferences (We shall call this, “The Marshawn Lynch Rule“)
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No more road trips to London and other international locations. This whole international expansion, take-over-the-world business, is just too much.
Boom. We fixed it.
Did we miss any? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
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Thanks to friends of the author, Wai Sallas, Marty Josephson, Jeff Cutler, and Michael Carley for their ideas and inspiration.
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Source: 30dB.com – Roger Goodell
“Goodell’s not a terribly popular guy in Twitter. He’s well underwater even after we pulled out the tweets about a hacker getting access to the NFL’s Twitter account and tweeting Roger Goodell had passed away. Add those back in and his positives plummet, however, no need to kick a guy when someone’s faking his death.” — Howard K. 360db
Photo Credit: Associated Press/File
“We will find a definition of what a catch is and what pass interference is.”
Please! If there is a God in Heaven, define a catch, or at least what the heck “a football move” means.
We could also chip in to buy Bill Belichick a personality, or at least a decent jacket.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a die-hard Pats fan, but he looks like a homeless person that snuck into the game.
🙂
I couldn’t refrain from commenting. Exceptionally well written!
THANKS!!!
We will immediately ban players who are convicted of crimes off the field (like drug violations, domestic violence and sexual assault). And immediately suspend players from playing if they have been charged with a crime until the outcome of their case. Let’s put ethics before trophies.
No reporters and especially no cameras in the locker room.
Someone said fan engagement. I would upgrade that to giving back to the fan base with awareness drives and advertising that encourages fans to consider not just the health of the players but the health of the fans as well. Its great that the NFL occasionally pays a nod to breast cancer awareness. I think it would be great to also pay nod to health issues that predominantly affect men. Yes I understand that looking out for the health of men is almost considered taboo (and will likely get you accused of misogyny somehow) but I think would work wonders… Read more »
They could always do something like check you balls. The NFL checks theirs before every gave thanks to deflategate. 🙂
How about: “We’ll also seek to engage actively with the community in which the game exists–you know, the poor saps who turn up in bars to watch and buy team merchandise (I was going to say turn up to games to watch, but I understand relatively few normal people actually do that) and seek to move away from the idea that all football fans are Coors Lite drinking morons with enormous pickups and no interest in the outside world. And we’ll support and promote causes for basic human rights, which reflect the diverse makeup of the football watching and playing… Read more »
Excellent additions David!
Some items I wish had been on the list: * Grant referees more leeway to assess in-game penalties/eject players for dangerous conduct, and allow such sanctions if the on-field officials miss something but it gets picked up in replay review * Drastically limit substitutions, ideally limiting things to 2 (*maybe* 3) players per team per play. Forcing players to stay on the field longer will slow the game down, and in the long term favor somewhat smaller players (you can’t go at full speed all the time if you have to play 45+ minutes/game, and the largest guys just will… Read more »
Note that the NFLPA would fight the substitution change tooth and nail, because a logical consequence would be that rosters could also be smaller
Point by point: 1) I blame local governments and the voters themselves for this more than I do the NFL. It only works because voters and pols fall for it. Voters and local politicians: grow spines, and find the courage to just simply say “No” the next time a team from *any league* tries to shake you down 2) Absolutely for the first part. For the second part, I’d love to see the NFL support abolition of tackling at the lowest levels of youth football, but again this is something where local people need to get their heads out of… Read more »
Thanks, Patrick! Great thoughts.