We don’t have to be perfect to be loved, but we all have room for improvement.
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I am not an expert on personal relationships, but I have learned so much over the years. There is still so much more to learn. No one is born into a perfect family with perfect role models for how to be in love. None of us are born with experience on how to handle the myriad of personal relationships we find ourselves in over a lifetime.
I’ve come to see life as a learning experience and relationships as our best teacher with the hardest and most important lessons. I’ve noticed that she keeps handing me the same tests if I have not mastered the lessons she has tried to teach me. Just when I think I have mastered one skill, another is quickly presented.
Here’s how I try to rise to the challenge.
Reading
Reading personal development books has been the greatest source of self-improvement in my life. Books taught me to see beyond my immediate surroundings. Not all relationships were like the ones around me. There was a different way of doing things. I didn’t know what that looked like or how to get there yet, but it was possible! This blew my mind and marked the beginning of my lifelong journey to bridge the gap between what I saw and what I now knew was possible. Like Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” I no longer had any excuse.
Therapy can greatly improve the quality of one’s life. It’s kind of like dating in that it may take trying a few therapists before finding one that’s right for you, but the time investment is definitely worth it.
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Ironically, reading also gave me a sense that everything I was experiencing was a normal part of the human condition. My feelings were not bad and there was nothing wrong with me. It’s greatly comforting to know that other people have been in your shoes and went on to thrive in their lives and relationships.
Books basically said to me, “It’s okay to feel the way you do, and here are some healthier ways to handle it.”
Who knew? Thankfully, somebody. And thankfully they wrote about their knowledge and experiences.
Learning
As time went on, I found other avenues of improving myself, and therefore the quality of my life and relationships. As technology continues to improve, these avenues become more expansive and many of them are free. Here are some other rich sources of information that have greatly contributed to my personal growth.
True change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s okay to give ourselves time to absorb new ideas and ways of being.
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Therapy: Therapy can greatly improve the quality of one’s life. It’s kind of like dating in that it may take trying a few therapists before finding one that’s right for you, but the time investment is definitely worth it. Thankfully, mental health is becoming less stigmatized and more of a priority. Most insurance plans now cover the cost of therapy with a nominal copay. Your choices are also much greater now as many therapists offer their services through Skype and other virtual communication methods. Your therapist doesn’t even have to live in the same country as you and you can have sessions in your pajamas. The best advice I ever received about finding the right therapist was that you should have a feeling that person can help you by the end of the first session. That’s now my criterion.
Podcasts and YouTube Videos: There’s a constantly growing body of free knowledge on the Internet. I’m in the habit of Googling and YouTubing anything I have a question about it. Help is right at our fingertips anywhere, anytime. We can access professional information on our phones, televisions, tablets, and laptops, and even in our cars. Some might say it’s dangerous to get important information from the Internet, but as with anything, it’s up to us to do our due diligence. Even if someone is a certified professional, it doesn’t mean their methodology will work for us. Some of the best advice and insights I have received have been from people who are not mental health professionals, but have a wealth of information and knowledge to offer because of their own research and personal experiences. Remember that you always have the power to choose what is valuable to you and leave the rest. You are the best expert on yourself no matter how highly qualified someone else is.
Thinking
Luckily for all of us, we don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
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I give kudos to anyone who recognizes an area for growth and then seeks out ways to improve it. The issue these days isn’t lack of information, but too much of it. This in itself can be overwhelming and cause people to give up. Don’t. Find sources that resonate with you. Pick and choose what works for you and what doesn’t. After you’ve consumed new information, I believe it’s important to give ourselves some time to sit on it. Just absorb it. Kick it around in your mind like a soccer ball. True change doesn’t happen overnight and it’s okay to give ourselves time to absorb new ideas and ways of being. Sometimes sitting on our hands and doing nothing is part of the process. Just let things marinate for a while.
Doing
Remember that old cliché “Rome wasn’t built in a day”? Well, it’s kind of true! True change takes time. Think baby steps. Beating yourself up helps no one. You’re already seeking out new knowledge, thinking about it, and trying new things. Don’t expect perfection. Make a plan. Try it. Review what worked and what didn’t and try it all over again. Remember you’re doing this to improve the quality of your life and relationships. That’s a wonderful thing! Try to approach it with joy!
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There will always be more lessons to learn. I’ve grown to accept and even welcome them. When moments of uncertainty strike, I try to remember my two guiding principles:
Am I acting according to my truth and my values?
Does this make me happy?
If the answer to both of these is yes, then I know I’m making the right decision. I’ve never encountered a disparity between the two.
Luckily for all of us, we don’t have to be perfect to be loved. But how amazing would our relationships be if we all strived to be our best?
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Photo: Flickr/rabiem22