I have only two regrets when it comes to my dating life and this experience is one of them.
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“To live fully, we must learn to use things and love people, and not love things and use people.” -John Powell
When I was in my twenties, I did something that I am truly ashamed of. I was single and Valentine’s Day was approaching. I felt the need to go out on a date and be wined and dined. The weekend before, I went out to a club with some friends. I knew that men would approach me. They would ask for my number. I would give it to them and then after some conversation, they would take me out on a date. That night, I went out with that goal in mind.
Sure enough, a young man approached me. He seemed like a nice guy, but I was not attracted to him and knew that I probably would never be interested in him romantically. Yet, I gave him my number and let things follow the expected trajectory. As I was counting on, he asked me out for Valentine’s Day the following weekend. Mission accomplished.
We went to a popular restaurant in a trendy part of town and I had a lot of fun, but I still didn’t feel any sparks. The next week, he asked me out again and I accepted. I enjoyed his company and I told myself
I have only two regrets when it comes to my dating life and this experience is one of them.
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I wasn’t doing anything wrong. We went to the movies and his credit card wasn’t working. I tried to pay rationalizing to myself that this would send a clear message that this was a friendship, not a date, but he wouldn’t let me and eventually his card did go through. He offered to walk me to the door when he dropped me home. Though I declined, he insisted. When we got there, he tried to kiss me: the awkward moment I had feared. At that point, I knew I had to break things off.
I avoided his calls for a few days. Finally, I knew I had to tell him the truth. He asked me to dinner again and I told him I thought we’d be better off as friends. He seemed confused, which makes sense since we had already enjoyed two fun dates together. He said he thought we’d had a great time, had a lot in common, and had good chemistry. When it was clear to him I didn’t feel the same, he mumbled something about being friends and quickly hung up the phone awkwardly. We both knew the talk of being friends was just a meaningless platitude. We never spoke again.
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I have only two regrets when it comes to my dating life and this experience is one of them.
It’s bad enough to break things off with someone when you went in with good intentions, but I knowingly misled someone to meet my needs knowing he would probably want more.
We hear a lot about women being used for sex, but men get used, too. I was that guy in this situation. I know men that have been used for attention like my date was. I know men that have been used for sex when they wanted more. I hear women joke about going out with men and treating it like a meal ticket.
I’m sure we can identify patterns that apply specifically to gender, but this all boils down to one thing: people using people.
It all boils down to valuing people just because they’re people and not treating them like a means to an end.
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Somewhere we’ve gotten the message that this is okay. Maybe it’s our culture of one hour deliveries, swiping left or right, and instant gratification. Maybe we’ve taken the modern luxury of living for the pursuit of happiness a little too far. But does happiness come from pleasure or from rising to our highest values? For me, I’ve realized it’s the latter. All I know is somewhere along the way I got the idea that my desire to feel special was worth the risk of hurting another person, a good person.
At the end of the day, I don’t think it was wrong of me to want some attention. I don’t think most people are wrong for wanting whatever it is they want. Where I want wrong was being unclear about my intentions. I should have told him that I just wanted to go out and have fun and it probably wouldn’t go anywhere. I didn’t give him the choice to make a decision with all the information, and that was wrong.
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Thankfully, I’ve learned the importance of being clear about my intentions from the beginning. If I’m not sure what I want, I’m clear about that, too. We can be honest without being brutal. We can want what we want without being wrong for it, but when someone else is involved, they deserve to know the game plan even if it changes along the way, especially as it changes along the way.
It all boils down to valuing people just because they’re people and not treating them like a means to an end. I’ve been hurt. I’ve felt used. Yet I still did the same thing to someone else. We seem to forget it in the pursuit of meeting our needs, but the golden rule of doing unto others as we want done unto us applies to dating, too.
Photo: Flickr/danisabella
@Julia Byrd, As I said before, I give every women the benefit of doubt when it comes to dating. Sure everybody has some sort of ulterior motive and I think it is more the guys than it is with the women. Most men when asking out a women has one thing on his mind and that is to spend some pajama time with her. Isn’t this the ultimate wrongfully ulterior motive when it comes to dating? For women to gloat about using men to pay for their dinners and gifts sounds more harmless than what the guys have in mind.… Read more »
Thank you, Greg. It is hard to share the truth sometimes, but it does help me to grow. 🙂
Jules, I completely disagree that women have privilege in dating and sex, especially women who are not traditionally attractive by European standards. The scenarios you’re describing suck, but they happen to all genders by all genders.
Everytime an individual speaks their own truth. Openly and honestly. We are all enlightened. Thank you for speaking and sharing yours. As we all learn to stop pointing at what is wrong, and begin looking internally for our truth, we grow as a people.
@ FlyingKal I give everybody the benefit of doubt when it comes to situations like this. I’m sure Gena have started to have the intention of just wine and dine, but I’m sure deep down, just maybe, Gena was hoping that something could have sparked if the guy moved, spoke, touched, or even just got to know Gena at a private personal level that others don’t know. The way I see this is that the guy did not try or did not have the soft skills to accomplish this and Gena was left with her original intention. I’ve dated a… Read more »
@ PJ.. “I’m sure Gena have started to have the intention of just wine and dine, but I’m sure deep down, just maybe,..” That is not what she said. Perhaps you want to read the piece again. That is the huge disadvantage men have in the dating world. Women have privilege when it comes to dating and sex. Just the lay of the land so to speak… I have heard women on many occasions who talk openly about doing just as Gena. I have heard women who were dating a particular guy “until something else comes along…” So, essentially the… Read more »
Thank you, Shawn! Means a lot coming from you! xo
Wicked good piece Gena. It’s been a year or two (or fifteen) since I’ve dated, but I love the honesty here. I’m glad to call you a friend.
Thanks, PJ. That’s a great outlook to have. I guess I felt guilty (and still do when I think of this) because I wasn’t clear about my intentions.
Mark, thank you so much for your kind words. It was a little scary putting this out there. I appreciate you.
FlyingKal, it’s hard for me to read, too, so I understand. I’m just happy that I have grown. 🙂
I see no fault on your side. Maybe that you had some alternative motive, but we all do when it comes to dating. For the guy, if he was at a club, had the confidence to come and talk to you and get your number, and then set up a date, this is not the first time he has done this, and he should know that the relationship between you two is a trial to see how the two of you fit with each other and if it doesn’t go as planned, he should know how to deal with the… Read more »
PJ,
“he should know that the relationship between you two is a trial to see how the two of you fit with each other”
Except that in this case, as per Gena’s own words, it wasn’t even a trial to see how they fit. It was just a simple ploy to get wined and dined.
Hi Gena,
You are a beautiful woman.
Hence, you lost me at “I knew that men would approach me”.
Thank you, dear. Just a simple thank you. You are sterling in your awareness. It will serve you extremely well in your future. Be well.