When Lianna Walden’s husband came out to her as bisexual, she was not expecting that to improve their relationship.
When I married I knew that my partner had partaken in sexual experiences with men. As a teenager he had experimented with other teenagers, and then continued dabbling as a young man. After all, , I thought, his father is gay, his parents divorced when he was three, his mother on her third husband; he must have been sexually confused. All good. We fell in love and we married, had two kids, a dog and two cats. We started off as artists but soon plunged into more stable positions so that we would have steady incomes.
Our sex life was always satisfying. We were very attracted to each other sexually and in the beginning of our relationship we had sex often. After a number of years, to keep things fresh and fun, we dabbled in role play and dominant / submissive games. I would show up at the front door in a short skirt pretending I was the babysitter for the night. For a time, under his persuasion, I tried being the Mistress, giving him spankings when he was a bad boy. We even spoke and fantasized about going to a local sex club.
We tried to keep our relationship new and exciting, but there were patterns that were slowly destroying it. He thought it was me and I thought it was him. “You never initiate”, he would say. “You are not affectionate enough”, I would retort. We would argue, he would become angry and pull away and I would withhold sexually, sometimes for weeks. Eventually one of us would breakdown the barrier by giving in and apologizing. We would have sex and then get on with our day to day, really not diving into any depth about what all the tension was about in the first place. It would slowly begin to build again, the same routine starting with the accusations. This pattern went on for a number of years. At one point, after another rollercoaster of no talking, no sex and no communication, I became increasingly concerned about how long this would continue. It was exhausting and we just couldn’t seem to break free. Something was seriously wrong. Then he broke the news.
He drove me to a secluded place at the top of a local mountain, where he revealed that he had been “exploring” with men behind my back. He said he needed to find out why he had such strong desires for men. For a while, he confessed, he wasn’t sure if he was straight or gay but now it was clear, he was definitely bisexual. “I love you and I want us to be together. I also know that I have sexual desires for men and I can’t hold these feelings back anymore.”
I was devastated. I thought all his m2m experimentation had been exhausted in his younger years. What really disappointed me however was the cheating and lying. I truly thought I knew this man and could completely trust him. How did we get to this?
I had to dig deep in order to make a decision about what to do next. Once I got through the layers of anger, I became jealous that he had had the guts to go out and experiment sexually. I had fantasized about having sex with other men, being with a woman, with a couple or in a group of people, but had never acted upon it. I was married after all and being married meant being monogamous. But now here was my husband, exploring sexually without me.
I lay there on the bed for a number of days, crushed by what had just happened in my life. I thought about leaving and starting my life fresh on my own. What about 14 years of life we had created together and our beautiful children? A few flings were not going to destroy that. I also resolved that I could not wipe out the desires he was feeling. I could see that revealing his indiscretions, his inner turmoil, and his risk of losing me had been terrifying for him. Our relationship had to be worth at least exploring other options, possibly trying something more drastic, something that would also allow me the sexual freedom he had started to give himself.
I realized at that point and was able to admit to myself that I had never been comfortable with the idea of monogamy. His whole coming out to me, as difficult as it was to hear about his secret explorations, I recognized was an opportunity to create something very different for our relationship. With this in mind I concluded two things: one, I wanted to be with this man because I still loved him; and two, in order for the relationship to survive we would have to end it and start anew.
I wanted to dump the “married” concept. We decided that we will be together only because we want to. We will free each other to do whatever we want and we will both explore sexually as we please. This intimate decision in itself shifted how we began to see one another. When the gates opened wide for more freedom to explore, we both felt a deeper desire for each other. For two weeks we were tangled in each other’s embrace, discovering new levels of love and erotic pleasure. We were free to choose and unexpectedly we choose each other.
Once we emerged from the intense connection, we began discussing what our next step would be in opening to sexual freedom. Our explorations started with having a threesome – me and 2 bi-men –something for everyone. I was terrified the first time. I kept putting it off with any excuse I could find. Can I really do this? What kind of a girl am I? Mothers don’t do this kind of thing.
Deep down I wanted to do it. I had to do it. This was the first step and if we were going to make this experiment possible, my participation was absolutely necessary. His support and encouragement managed to carry me through the fear. And after being with two sexy bi men, and really enjoying it, my whole system of beliefs about marriage and monogamy turned upside down.
We could do this! We had broken the monogamous marriage contract and survived. The first encounter once again counter-intuitively brought us closer. For days after the event, we coasted on the erotic energy as we re-visited the details of the experience. Our explorations continued after that to more encounters with men then to couples and on to going out separately. With each step and new experience there were adjustments to make. Confused emotions around jealousy, insecurity, self-esteem and trust, to name a few, would arise. We were forced to examine our inner turmoil as we were well aware that the benefits of freedom and sexual growth far outweighed anything.
We have now been married for 20 years and we have never been so much in love. My husband is my partner in crime. We cherish the freedom we have given each other and I have become a sexy, open woman who feels deeply and passionately. My confidence has blossomed as my self-acceptance has grown.
Our sex life is mind blowing. I have sexual fantasies and my partner helps me make them happen. Together we have the most intense and exciting connection I ever thought possible. I allow myself to go deeper, exploring my body, my desires. I have experienced levels of orgasm I never knew existed and just when I think I have reached the pinnacle of my sexual exploration, something new arises from below and pulls me deeper into erotic explosions.
That day on the top of the mountain, when he revealed to me his bisexuality, changed my life. I would have never been able to predict that by being vulnerable and taking huge risks in our relationship would lead to a deeper love. I go back to revealing moments on the top of the mountain when I am unsure about what to do or where to turn and I remember clearly that the most unfamiliar path can often lead to the greatest rewards.
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Photo: Kurt Löwenstein Education Center (International Team)/Flickr
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I was married to a womem for 40 years, when she died I started thinking about sucking cocks and having anal sex with she males. I decided I was bisexual all along but my wife kept me satisfied, so I did not wander to the other sex. When I look at women on Twitter, I look for TS type women because I want to suck their cocks and have them fuck me in the ass. I have not yet been successful in hooking up but a lot is on the way.
This might be great if you the author was still married to her ex husband – which she is not. This article should be amended / taken down. For anyone who is looking at this article as a comfort because your husband recently came out as bisexual – don’t. The author and her ex are divorced (I have no idea why they have divorced, but they have). I am a straight woman whose husband came out as bisexual 2 years ago. We are still together and stronger than we were before…but we are monogamous. I’m not advocating monogamy – do… Read more »
Thank you again for writing this article, now even more so since I am finding it published in multiple places. Sometimes the comments from others help me to see that I am not alone in all the things I thought I was alone in the world about.
thank you, i think you’ve just helped me allot💖
There are some seriously close-minded replies here. I came out recently as bisexual to my wife. My story is not exactly the same but so much of it rings true. Your sharing this story has been immensely inspiring and therapeutic. Thank you!
Yes, it is possible (and healthy) for open-minded life-partners to open up their ideas of monogamy in their own ways if they promise and keep each others’ hearts safe. Yes, it even leads to a marriage of greater passion, love and dedication. I know this is hard for some people to comprehend but it is truth.
By no means am I in the place to judge and would never judge anyone on there struggles and experiences in life because it is what makes us kin to each other to lift one another up in times of need . Sex is not supposed to control us . Sex is not supposed to be allowed to shape our moral upbringing and purpose that we have in this world .yes It is a strong will to follow our sexual desires to give in to our lustful eye ..but now when it causes us to SETTLE for changes that will… Read more »
You seem pretty knowledgeable… any way you could email me? I really need some advice.. imom2point0atgmail.com
Bisexual husband
I’m sorry!! I think ithis is way wrong the way both of y’all have done your marriage. I live my life for god and in god world this is way wrong.
Sad that neither of you are enough for each other.
You will both die alone with an aching emptiness never having had a soulmate.
Soulmate has no desire at all for anyone else anymore than a parent desiring someone else’s child to replace their own.
I’m technically a pansexual, but after meeting my husband, my sexual interest in other people has completely evaporated. Years ago I was engaged to the boy who had been my high school sweetheart and he told me he thought he might be gay but he loved me and didn’t want to break up. I assured him we could still be best friends if he’d like, or if he wanted to explore a bit that’s fine, just to tell me if he had sex with anyone. I also made sure he knew I’d love to participate. I did put conditions out… Read more »
My husband and I have been together for 15 years married for 7 with 2 kids. My husband came out to me just 2 weeks ago. It was a complete shock. He hasn’t had any sexual activity with any other men at this point, he wanted me to know because he didn’t want to cheat. I am bisexual myself and we have had other women in the past together so he would like to explore in that direction with men too. I’m scared but also know that he must of been going though the same when we were with other… Read more »
my situation is quite similar to yours.i think we have to do like she says and just trust. since he came out, which by the way i did on our first real date,our sex life has improved 10 fold. i wasn’t into the idea of him and other girls but boy’s, i can’t compete with that and i Don’t think i want to. it will open things up for me with ladies and i do really miss that, and i guess let the universe take it from there. i can definitely see how it could make a good relationship stronger… Read more »
Our situation was somewhat different. We are an educated professional couple. We had been married for about six years. Had a great sex life. We enjoyed simple sex talk during sex like ” oh yes …. me.” “Your …. is so hard.” I can’t believe what your doing to me.” etc. etc. We shared fantasies, talked about prior lovers. Threesomes came up. I was thinking about another woman with us. Then she asked me if she could talk very strait forward with me. I said of course I thought we always have. She told me she has this big fantasy… Read more »
Does it matter if your bisexuality was always under the surface or something that emerged in your circumstances. Are you happy in who you are and your sexuality. Do you enjoy this arrangement, does It enhances your relationships. In an ideal world their would be no hetrosexual, bisexual or gay. We would just ‘be’ and we can have relationships and sex with men or women as we feel comfortable. Our preferences may be fluid depending on the circumstances. But we live in aworld that makes hetrosexuality the norm and discriminates against those who are different. A label might give us… Read more »
Hi there, curious if you still have kept this going. Considering it with my husband.
I’m not so sure I can feel the same about him if I do a threesom and watch him with another man…..I’m scared he will want that more and more…..and want me lrss and less. I feel the bi men get their cake and eat it too….100% not fair to me.
After he taste another man…..his desire will grow his taste for men will grow…..Im not ok with that…..I will not be ok trusting the condom won’t slip off….I will not be ok getting HIV…..the risk for me out ways his pleasure a faithful loving sexing addictid wife can’t let her bisexual man sleep with men…..so my choice seems so sad….the men get to do what ever the hell they want….it’s bullshit…he should2of married me.
I’m going through this right now. My husband just came out to me. he hasn’t been sexual with man but wants to be. He has been talking to someone he met online and the guilt has gotten to him so that’s when he told me everything. I’m scared he will like and not want me anymore. We share a son and I don’t want to lose my husband but he can’t shake that feeling of wanting to be with a man and I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like it gives him a free pass to just… Read more »
All the things you think you know…you really don’t. My wife accepts my bisexuality. I love women 95% but occasionally have sex with a man. My wife and I also have threesomes with guys. She is with guys 35 years younger and very hot. I participate or video. We have the greatest relationship and I love her tremendously. Most people would think you didn’t love a woman if you would let another man have her. I can’t wait to get my hands on her after he is finished! People know so little and feel so much shame over sexual desires.
Totally agree… But is it hard for your wife sometimes … How does she handle it?? No.stress or or worry or anything like that
You seem like you and your wife have a good relationship. Anyway you could email me… I could use some advice… imom2point0atgmaildotcom
I am in no way happy or free this happened to me . In no way enlightened or freed to explore. I ordered a burger and got a fish sandwich. I have an income of 790 dollars not thousands and we have 1000000 in dept with no escape from a 17 yr marriage built on lies deceit and his Craigs list hook ups .secret sneaking trips and spending . I bought this home long before I knew him. Scratched and clawed to keep it with 2 jobs and 2 children before I was disabled . No living family anywhere ..… Read more »
this just happened to me , we have been married 22yrs. I as well am more upset about the lying and cheating behind my back.It hurts to know he shared intimate moments with another person. I was sexually abused as a child , I have many desires that i push down as I feel like I’m dirty or sick because of what happened to me, so the idea of adding others to our sex life excites me but also makes me feel wrong. I’m really confused , I love him dearly but he is giving me time to adjust and… Read more »
Well glad it worked for you… Came out and now in more turmol and confusion and unhappiness than ever …NO AMOUNT OF TIME AND COUNSEL WILL FIX THIS… Honesty turned out to be the worst idea I ever had
Thanks for your honesty. I am in the same situation, at the cross roads. I am more concerned about HIV and the selfishness of cheating and lack of monogamy, as the wife will be sexually deprived.
Everyone can choose to live how they see fit as long as it’s with honesty and it’s consensual. The issue I take here is one others had voiced: if your husband had been cheating with women, would your response have been the same? My husband is bisexual. I am not OK with any sort of open marriage. He didn’t disclose his sexual it prior to being married, but we did have numerous conversations about what monogamy is, and what would happen if either one of us wanted to have sex with other people. I would never be OK with it,… Read more »
Here here. About time l found someone making sense. I’m male and bisexual always have been. lm in a committed relationship with a woman. It’s a committed relationship not plus one. Never acceptable to cheat it’s cheating. If you wish to discuss the options with your partner that is a healthy relationship but cheating is cheating wether its with a male or female or if you are white green or purple does not matter.
My husband is bisexual, he disclosed that to me on our third date. I admit it took some thinking on my part as to if I would be okay with him sleeping with men before I continued the relationship. I ultimately decided that there was too big of a spark between us for me to not give it a shot. It was the best decision I ever made to give him a chance. To all of the people speaking negatively, you are all close minded and overly judgmental. The bottom line is this, every couple is different, some things will… Read more »
Heather thanks for this message you wrote my fiance just came out as bisexual man to we have a son . My world has come crashing down now . I never thought this would happen to me . I’m still thinking of what to do to be positive please help me . You sounds very open minded email me . [email protected] I need to talk to positive person like you
Thank you this is all so true
As the female partner to a bisexual man, who told me about it from the beginning…right now we are committed to monogamy, it is what we both want….it would be great if I could embrace what the author is describing, if and when he feels he (and I) would like to explore other options in the future. But it scares the hell out of me, to give each other that kind of freedom. What if it doesn’t turn out that we still choose each other? I would want to have a solid foundation built with each other first, one that… Read more »
My husband and I have been together for 22 years. I knew from the start that he was bi. If he wants explore that area he would have to leave but with my blessing, understanding and full support. I want him to be happy and I want to be happy too. I don’t think that either of us being with other people/cheating on each other on any level would make us happy. He has been through a dreadful cancer treatment (5 years ago) and I have had times that I needed support. We are there for each other and with… Read more »
You’re insecure and have issues with trust
I’m so glad you found a way to be comfortable sexually and that an open relationship works for you both but the issues you faced seem to be about infidelity not sexuality. That was just coincidence 😉 I have been with my husband for 12 years and didn’t have to “come out” as bisexual, he supported me but we are committed and monogamous. I also have a school friend who is polyamourous, each of us find what works for us as individuals 🙂
Good for you ??
Thank you. These mixed orientation marriages can and do work. I know many people where they do. And a majority are monogamous. It’s about being genuine. And honest.
Additionally: I don’t mean to condone his lying, and I don’t think you mean to, either. This article is about something else, and lying/cheating and how you dealt with it afterwards as a couple, and with your evolving relationship, are two separate issues.
Thank you so much for sharing. This is beautiful, and fits with how I understand healthy relationships. It makes me feel like there are other people out there who understand how my partner and I relate. I support the hell out of you both, and I think the courage to explore and stay connected leads to some of our most beautiful human experiences. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Because g-dude, a good man shows love and respect and honesty and that is exactly what her husband did. Now granted the cheating was a mistake that good men shouldn’t do, but that’s not the same thing as wouldn’t do. He owned up to it, took his lumps with the possibility she may leave him. But he loved her and took the leap to what good men do. What he does is generally immaterial. The cheating was allowing his urges to overtake him which good and bad people do all the time. It was acting out in fear, but then… Read more »
Let’s say he only cheated with women and then came to her with the truth that he still needed to have outside relationships. Would we call him a good man. I think that people here make excuses for bad behavior. He cheated…he put her life (emotionally and physically) in danger. No where was he a good dude because he owned up to it.
Can someone please explain to me how this article belongs on a website titled “The Good Man Project?” Because I just can’t understand how a good man would break his vows to his wife by cheating on her with anyone, let alone with other men, and then justify it by revealing his bisexuality – as though this makes him a special needs child with special urges and impulses that need to be acted upon and acted out. This defies the definition of marriage, whether it is okay with her after the fact or not. Good men keep their promises, and… Read more »
The sham and disgrace is you with your fake outrage! Don’t pretend that you’ve never heard of married women exploring with other women on the side and with the approval- sometimes- of their husbands. The problem is your and other people’s homophobia and biphobia that is constantly directed at gay/bisexual MALES. The wife didn’t go into this marriage deceived. She KNEW he had attractions and had romantic/sexual encounters with men BEFORE they got married. Yes it was wrong that he cheated but she is fine with the arrangement they have where she also gets to play on the side. Your… Read more »
A freakin men!!!
my early sex life was made up of gay sex, with men and boys, while I was basically still a boy….every conceivable m/m relationship…at 16 a 46 year old lady friend became my Mrs. Robinson…at 16 I met a girl, fell in love and wanted to marry her…but still was sleeping with men. SOOOO in all fairness sat her down prior to marriage and had “the talk.” If she were unable to be married to me while I had these attractions, it would not happen, and she simultaneously was given the same freedom to have a boyfriend…our marriage lasted 53… Read more »