Men’s coach Jasmin Newman shares men’s intimate hopes, dreams and disappointments around sex in longterm partnerships.
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As a performance and communications coach for men, I am the woman husbands talk to about sex. I am the woman with whom these men confide fears and frustrations, deepest darkest secrets, and yes, their dreams. As a woman privileged to enter the inner sanctum of men’s conversations I sense it’s time to share what I have learned.
So to woman, I say this:
He shares with me the stories of how you used to drive him insane with your passionate desire for him, and that there was never an hour in the day when he didn’t think about how he could be a better man for you.
He remembers how his passion grew and how strongly bonded he felt when you first became pregnant with his child. He knew with fierceness that he needed to be a provider and protector. He wasn’t afraid of the challenge, and he took it on willingly.
He longs for the day when he can just be ‘enough’ to be the man you desire.
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But he also tells me of how things have changed over time. How life got in the way for both of you, and things deteriorated. The fights that became more frequent until there was no point in fighting anymore. The anger he has felt at never being good enough. How weak he then felt at displaying his anger, and so how he retreated further into himself.
And he then tells me his deepest dreams he held for your future and about how he craves you, intimately and how he just longs to be connected with you. He speaks of a yearning for something more than the status quo as it now stands.
He longs for the day when he can just be ‘enough’ to be the man you desire. How the days when he is almost begging you for sex and you turn out the light and turn your back on him. And yet, he still loves you and quietly longs for your touch.
What my conversations with men signify is that they no longer feel accepted to turn up as a man in their own life. They are confused and feel lost and alone as a result of the changing roles within relationships. It’s not true to who they are biologically. They are happy to take on the extra duties of caring for children and being a hands-on Dad, they love it. They support you 100% in your pursuits, and endeavor to master duties that were completely foreign to their own parental role models.
Devastatingly, they feel unsupported in their desire for you. They want to make deeper connections with you, where they feel valued, loved and secure.
What women are failing to understand is that men have a biological need and right to turn up as a man in the relationship.
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They want more sex. Not for the sake of sex itself, but for what it brings to them, instinctively, hormonally, biologically. What it gives to them, as a man.
What women are failing to understand is that men have a biological need and right to turn up as a man in the relationship. They have a fundamental need to be connected and engaged with you, through sex.
In 2014 women are primarily the one pulling all the strings in relationships. The first string to get withdrawn is the most vital to his sense of identity.
Dominance is what the men I talk to see as part of his identity. These men require it for his sense of self, his sense of identity and for him to show up as the man that you instinctively desire. His brain does not play the games you play and yet you make him try until he is conflicted and desperately trying to make sense of his world.
Sex is an immeasurably pleasurable way to honor your relationship. For both men and women, the more times we orgasm, the more love-generating Oxytocin we create in our brains, and the more of that we want.
But where women differ to men, is that the less they have sex, the less they want it and they rate emotional connection and social inclusion higher than sexual connection.
For men, the opposite is true and the less sex they get, the more they crave and desire it. And the less sex they get, the more angry, frustrated and conflicted they become and a cycle of feeling isolated, lost and alone creeps in.
The conundrum for marriage is then she wants to be emotionally connected and he is feeling isolated and alone. You hold the power to make that connection through sex.
There is a point where men appear to ‘give in’. To fall in defeat and resign to living a life not consistent with who and what they truly are.
Women have an off switch that men don’t have. If they were thirsty, would you deny them water?
After reading a recent post by Jasmine and then looking into more of the articles she’s written here, her approach, to me, seemed to be contrary to most traditional counseling techniques I have encountered in the past. I also see on her Facebook page that she has listed no formal education or training post-high school. It was refreshing to see the questions posted here by trained coaches and counselors that have issue with her methods. GMP – are you missing something here?
I have mixed feelings about this post. It almost seems like it is appealing to old gender roles namely where: 1. Men should be in charge because they are men. 2. Their libido is a defining feature of their manhood. 3. Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men have to earn the right to use their “key”. 4. Women should have sex with their guy in order bond with him. Now don’t get me wrong it takes two to keep the fires going so to speak but some of the things you mention seem to invoke some of the… Read more »
I have never read truer words. My wife, she is everything I desire in every way.
Generalize much?
As soon as I see the adverb “biologically”, I completely turn off. There is no “biologically” to gender, and if you think there is, then you need some very basic education. You can start by reading Anne Fausto-Sterling.
Hi Jasmin, Although your article is certainly well written, I couldn’t disagree with you more. On what basis do you determine that sex “is a pleasurable way to honor your relationship?” It is true for many relationships but not all. I’m not certain how you have determined that women pull most of the strings in relationships in 2014. “You say the following: “Dominance is what the men I talk to see as part of his identity. These men require it for his sense of self, his sense of identity and for him to show up as the man that you… Read more »
Hi Dave, Totally agree with you. As a counsellor I work with both men and women. Each is an individual and their issues are unique to them. And yes, I also would never tell a client what they should be doing. Lets work on the issues in the marriage/relationship – sex is but one of them and there is nearly always an underlying problem to work with. While some men may believe that sex is the ultimate issue, and that dominance is what it is all about, maybe Jasmin’s clients need to look beyond this and discover what other challenges… Read more »
Hi Cathy, You hit the nail on the head when you say “… we are the only ones responsible for how we feel about and issue and how we react to it.,,, look at what is working…” All a coach can or should do in my opinion is help YOU flesh out your feelings about a particular challenge/issue, etc. and through adept questioning enable you to determine what is in your best interests in the long run. This is of course a coaching approach. Individuals seeking someone who will make suggestions as to what they should do would be better… Read more »
Thanks for pointing that out, Dave and Cathy.
I think the article could have easily been written about the issue, and made even more powerful, withoutsuccumbing to “biology” and “dominance” rethorical..
I write as a Story Teller, I Coach as a Coach 😉
I am simply putting to words my experiences and those of my clients.
Hi Jasmin, I understand that you write as a story teller and you coach as a coach. However if that’s the case, I’m uncertain where you draw the line between relating individual anecdotal (or collective) information vs making blanket statements relating to what should or should not be done. I write many articles that are coaching related… few pull as much interest as yours:) however the biggest compliment I get from those that no me is that reading what I write is virtually the same as speaking with me. I’m a story teller too, but my approach is one of… Read more »
That should be “those that know me…” the dangers of writing late at night:)))
Jasmin, thank you for your article. As a man, I feel seen and honored when you write about “me”. Regarding the criticism that you are receiving from a couple of people here, I find that to be in the category “everything-can-be-deconstructed” and “how-dare-you-generalize-about anything”. I find that criticism to be quite boring. Yes, you can deconstruct everything if you really want to and yes, you can find many exceptions to any generalization. But to give shape to any important phenomenon, to show people a gestalt of your experience, you absolutely do need to make generalizations and you do need to… Read more »
Sex is a privilege, not a right. To suggest anything else is dangerous and supports the same entitlement-based thinking that abusers and sexually violent criminals have. The key to unlocking the sexual goddess in your wife is both talk to her about how her desires can be met, and to try your best to be a true partner in her life — especially in the daily grind of your home life. Contribute your fair share to the household chores and child rearing, and you’ll be amazed at how much energy and desire your wife has. If she’s doing it all… Read more »
Melissa, I’d like to agree, but you could not be more wrong. The disconnect comes when women turn from wife/girlfriend to mom. It is easy to add to the pile of chores, to add one more home improvement project, child-enrichment activity, etc. Women invent activity without considering cost in time and sanity, they simply say it is for home and child and expect men to have no say in the decision, just to do and support. And as the author said, they put their men dead last in priorities. Men will try to help, but our efforts are often not… Read more »
And surprise surprise, women don’t like being spoken to – in the rare one-off article that criticises them en masse – the way men habitually are on this website, that purports to be about their issues.
Sucks, don’t it? 😉
Not really. I think articles like these have a place. And I think the author makes a decent point even if I don’t agree with *everything* she said. I think a lot of women struggle with feeling sexy and sexual as they get older. Responsibilities, kids, gaining weight, husband is most likely looking at porn of 21 year olds. There is no little blue pill that women can take to fix such an issue either even though I suspect A LOT of women would welcome such a thing. I do think it’s important for women to work on maintaining their… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughts.
Melissa,
Some women may carry all the weight of the household and parenthood on their shoulders in the relatinship, but not all do.
Some women, regardless of having kids or not, and regardless of the workload, just seem content with slumping on the couch in whatever spare time they have after work.
And some women don’t even want to talk about it either, or even try to be a true partner.
Frankly, I don’t see your generalizations as the least bit better than the ones in the articles
A to the men. Thank you.
You are very welcome.
The exact opposite is true in my current relationship. My live-in boyfriend of a year-and-a-half and I have sex once a week. I have asked that we make more time, and he feels insulted, like I am saying he is not good enough, and that I am not happy. I always state that my intention is the opposite of wanting him to feel bad, and instead want both of us to come to a solution. It has been an ongoing issue in our relationship, one in which he has not really made effort to change. I feel frustrated and don’t… Read more »
“His brain does not play the games you play” – this part made me laugh, seriously. Why is this assumption that women in cases of denying sex definitely play mind games? Some do, of course. Some. And many are too tired of daily chores that men aren’t so willing to engage into, many just feel unattractive after gaining kid-weight, many feel like their man looks at them only when he wants sex and etc. Why just not ask your wife first instead of asking the couples counselor?
Exactly my thoughts, Laura. Why does “fault” need to be assigned? Men and women simply differ in the sex dept. Women orgasm less easily, therefore there’s less reason to seek sex as part of their self care. I resent that this article perpetuates the idea that women are the keepers of sex, thus responsible for mens’ well being.
Wow. Bravely and beautifully said.
I am the man husbands share their secrets with – and I can confirm every word Jasmin wrote.
I also get the hear the secrets of their wives. Is there a flip side to this. Of course there is. And it’s just as powerful and sad.
Thanks, Jasmin
Thank you Steve. I appreciate the comments x
In before the “gender binary” comments. God forbid something be true in the majority of cases or we discuss central tendancy.
Can it be? An actual article that holds women responsible for some aspect of the relationship without defaulting to the “women are oppressed” paradigm? On the Good Men Project?
I’m absolutely amazed.
Thank you…I think 😉