Marianne Cassidy thinks being a female nerd is trendy. Except when that’s all guys see in her.
I am a female nerd.
Apparently.
I cannot tell you when it became trendy to be a nerd, but it definitely happened at some point in the last ten years. I think it was probably around the same time that all the hip kids started wearing big thick-rimmed glasses (actual vision problems optional) and the pop culture value of retro videogames, superheroes and old school sci-fi suddenly sky-rocketed.
This was a strange experience for me. American TV shows taught me that nerds are bespectacled, calculator-toting individuals who stammer and have severe co-ordination issues. During my teenage years, I was stoically silent on the topic my nerdy pursuits – my Elfwood account, my Pokémon cards, my attempts to learn Elvish – knowing that to advertise would only draw ridicule. However, during my college career, I began slowly to realise that these interests carried currency among my peers. “Wow, you are such a nerd!” was no longer the social equivalent of being guillotined; it was a compliment. This was a fortunate turn of events for me personally, because it allowed me talk intensely about my niche interests for hours and hours without risking exile from all future parties.
At this point, it is probably useful to note that the niche interests that qualify as “nerdy” among my generation are fairly narrow. They are also, thanks to the high value of their social stock, no longer so niche as they once were. By and large, to be deemed a nerd in the trendiest sense of the word, you need an in-depth or encyclopaedic knowledge science-fiction or fantasy as it manifests itself in literature, games, films, television, comics, cartoons and online media, as well as having a wide base of general knowledge pertaining to science and technology. Knowing about Trollface also helps. Wood-whittling or world music could also be considered niche interests, but because they do not fall within the aforementioned realm of popular culture, they do not qualify as nerd-chic.
Gradually, I began to notice that the happy accident of my being a “complete nerd” was no longer merely socially acceptable; it was impressive, particularly among my male peers. Sometimes, it was more than impressive. Sometimes, it was a point of attraction. Often, it was the main point of attraction. I have been asked out on the strength of my comic book knowledge more than once. My ability to hold my own in a conversation about hard science-fiction has earned me more male attention than a push-up bra ever could. “I’ve never met a girl like you before,” a guy once told me, in response to an incoherent rant about the artistic merit of videogames. This is a real thing that someone said to me, even though it sounds like a nerdgasm, a trope that I thought only existed on TV. While I have never deliberately played the nerd card to impress a guy, I cannot deny that my particular set of interests have served me well in this respect. Especially since attempts at flirting are probably on par with those of a drunken Batman (lots of lurking and glaring, but not nearly as mysterious or intriguing as I think it is.)
There is a similar dynamic at play when men are impressed with women who know the basics of plumbing or engine maintenance. Videogames, comics and their ilk are traditionally male pastimes. Historically, girls who pursued them were considered weird and decidedly unfeminine. Now that these pastimes have transcended into the realm of cool, and since cool has little regard for gendered boundaries, it seems perfectly fine, and even desirable, for a girl to proudly display her nerd credentials. This is evident in the fact that the nerd girl has been cropping a lot recently in films and television, usually as a supporting character, as in Fanboys, but occasionally as the main protagonist as in Juno or New Girl. She comes in the form of a sexy tomboy, a sexy scientist, or a more traditional nerd in need of a sexy makeover. This quriky girl is accepted as one of the guys; she’s whip-smart, loves Star Wars/Lord of the Rings/Dungeons & Dragon, she swears and she makes “guy” jokes. Crucially, she is low maintenance; she never wants to go shopping or worries about her nails, and she makes no stressful demands of her male counterpart when it comes to silly things like anniversaries and personal hygiene. She is the polar opposite of the boring girlfriend that Sony was using to advertise the PS2 a while back.
In this, I have identified the root of my discomfort. Obviously, this idealised nerd girl does not actually exist, in the same way the gorgeous preppy bimbo and the bad-ass femme fatale do not exist. Being called a nerd makes me uncomfortable, and I have feeling that this is at least partially Hollywood’s fault. Sometimes I worry that when a guy hears me talking about something nerdy, he starts to tune out my actual opinions on the subject and instead concentrates on – as a friend of mine so succinctly put it – “Great! We can play Xbox and then we can bang! She’s perfect!” I worry that the nerdy girl has become a new stereotype of femininity, a new category of wish-fulfilment that has no bearing on reality. If this is the case, the advantages of being a female nerd are just as shallow and decorative as those created by a short skirt and smoky eye make-up.
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It is currently cool to be a nerd, but being cool is even more fleeting than being physically beautiful; I do not want it to be all someone sees in me and I certainly do not want to found a relationship on it. I have no problem if a guy notices me because of my chest but if he can’t take his eyes off it after a few minutes of conversation, I am going to walk away. I think the same applies to female nerd syndrome.
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These suspicions are confirmed when I see that many men (and some women) think girls are allowed like nerdy things in the same way they are “allowed” to fix cars or play in metal bands. All well and good, as long as they are sexy while they do it and do not threaten to challenge or emasculate the men who dominate these fields. It’s awesome when a woman reads comics, as long as she doesn’t start complaining about the generally awful portrayal of female superheroes throughout the industry. It’s definitely hot when a girl wants to play Halo or Gears of War or any other formulaic testosterone-fuelled first-person shooter, but it’s kind of a turn-off when she wishes that videogame developers take a more unisex approach to design and marketing. Time and time again, I have seen women run into brick walls of male privilege when they raise important issues about gender and equality within their chosen nerdy field. The old who-cares-girls-don’t-even-play-videogames/read-comics/understand-spaceships argument is quick to raise its ugly and irrelevant head the minute a woman offers an opinion that highlights gender disparities. We are welcome in the boys club provide we acknowledge that is unquestionably male space and kicking up a fuss about it is actually not sexy, so you should just stop.
On a personal level, I know that being a nerd does not make me unique or exceptional. It is not a measure of my intelligence, nor does it tell a guy anything about me except that my dad is a science-fiction fanatic and I happened to grow up on a street where everyone had a game console. Being able to speak three languages or complete a triathlon is unique and exceptional. I can’t do either of those things but, for my part, I would prefer if a guy was impressed because I made him laugh or because I have intelligent opinions on important things, not because I can quote Penny Arcade at length or beat the Water Temple blindfolded.
I have been called a nerd many times, so maybe I am one. Nerd is often where I start if you get talking to me at a party, but it is most definitely not where I end. I am a theatre practitioner, a photographer, a reader, a runner, a drinker, a cat-lover, a nail-biter, a shower-singer, a writer and a lot of other stuff in between. It is currently cool to be a nerd, but being cool is even more fleeting than being physically beautiful; I do not want it to be all someone sees in me and I certainly do not want to found a relationship on it. I have no problem if a guy notices me because of my chest but if he can’t take his eyes off it after a few minutes of conversation, I am going to walk away. I think the same applies to female nerd syndrome.
Take your eyes off the All Your Bases shirt. I’m up here.
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photo: cristiano_betta at Flickr
About Marianne Cassidy
Vocalyze
“We are welcome in the boys club provide we acknowledge that is unquestionably male space and kicking up a fuss about it is actually not sexy, so you should just stop.”
So true and so interesting. And now I’m thinking about what might be some examples where men feel this way if their interests lean towards what has been traditionally considered feminine. It’s hard to think of a really good parallel, but I’m sure there are some. Maybe we’ll hear from some men on this. Loved this. Great post!
One of my hobbies is knitting. I occasionally meet a man who knits, but invariably, he’s gay. I can think of exactly one heterosexual man who knits. He and his wife own a local knitting shop. He’s a fantastic knitter. Yet, I can’t help thinking of him as a real oddity. I go to a huge knitting convention every year called Stitches. It’s like 98% women and 2% gay men. It would be interesting to find out from the male knitters (especially the few who are straight) what their experience is with such a female-dominated hobby. They gay knitters, by the way, are often very serious knitters. I wonder if feel they have to be twice as good to get respect, the way women often do in male dominated fields.
Just by way of an additional data point, I know one heterosexual male knitter. He is a hobbyist at it, his other primary hobbies include engine repair and welding, and he is frequently mistaken for an extra from a Mad Max film. Sometimes I think he does it just to be an outlier, but an outlier he is nonetheless.
My thing is embroidery, in a variety of styles. I met an asian guy who was really into Japanese embroidery. The amount of disrespect and shaming people laid on him was atrocious. Especially as this was a traditional, ancient art form held in high honor, and was frequently practised by men.
His work was stunning and the result of real dedication and constant practise. Yet women couldn’t appreciate it for the most part, and obviously he had to be gay. He wasn’t.
Women like to talk about all the history we lost. Did you realize how many men have practised embroidery? In times of war, men (including famous generals) took up embroidery because it was something calming to do while waiting for battle, a pass time for men whod been seriously injured, or simply something that made them feel closer to the women they’d left behind. Sailors are another group of men who spent vast amounts of time embroidering. Crossing oceans on wind driven boats leaves a lot of spare time. It was a much needed creative outlet.
My Swedish great-grandmother taught all her children to knit, including the boys. She came from a family of shepherds and everyone knitted. It was a good way to pass the time, and essential for survival.
Actually I’m a guy who absolutely loves cats. Apparently men aren’t supposed to like cats which is a strange stereotype because it’s utter bullshit. I know plently of other guys that like cats and some of them are quite “blokey”, we’re not effeminate and it isn’t “unmanly” whatsoever. I’ve come across women that don’t like cats and of course some men too although none of them have ever given me a coherent reason why but that’s their business.
In any case it’s quite misleading to assume that liking cats is “girly” or some such nonsense, my cat is a scaled down lioness and it fascinates me how they behave like big cats even when inert.
Fantastic article, puts into words so well something that has been troubling me for a couple of years now. Used to love the attention my nerdier leanings got me when I was an insecure teenager, now I can’t help but find it objectifying.
Being a nerd will always be cool. It just won’t always be fashionable. Keep on with your bad self.
And, respectfully, it should be “All Your Base”. No plural. Still impressed.
Exactly, it will always exist, and if someone genuinely likes that stuff (not just to be trendy), then it doesn’t matter what other people think of it. Those who want shared interests in that domain will keep finding your being interested in that stuff attractive.
My friend just told me about the “manic pixie dream girl” stock character in films/novels. Seems like this is a real-life representation of that. Great read.
Why are there so many articles on this site where women complain at length about non-problems, when there are so many important issues facing men today?
And any woman who uses the phrase “male privilege” seriously is a sexist, full stop.
You don’t believe such a thing as male privilege exists? How about white privilege? How about socioeconomic privilege? Are we really all equal in all ways?
i am female, and i think this idea of _____ privildge is exactly why we aren’t equal. Many women persist in holding up men as an excuse why we don’t do better for ourselves. I work in a male dominated industry, and I outshine my male peers on a daily basis. Its not because I’m female; its because I am smart and more competent. As long as we put up imaginary barriers, we as humans will continue to only be defined by what is between our legs, whom we choose to use said genitals with and the color of our skin. The labels need to go away if we ever expect to be equal.
There is also female privilege.
There definitely is also female privilege, and it’s the duty of one another (and ourselves) to point it out. It’s important to hear everyone’s voices. Sometimes we all need someone to point out to us, “Hey, but remember, you’re coming from a place of privilege on this…” I need the reminder sometimes myself when I get self-righteous about parenting especially. I don’t think it’s intended to induce guilt (I could be wrong, but I don’t think so), but to open our eyes to experiences different from our own.
Respectfully, I find it very difficult to believe that this is true.
Privilege theory is based on a tautological argument. It begins with the premise that “the successful have not earned their success” and works backwards to find an excuse for holding this viewpoint. The excuses it comes up with are often flimsy and outside the realm of empirical testing (it is conveniently impossible to test the impact of bandaids only being available in caucasian skin tones, but that did not stop Peggy McIntosh from adding this to her list of “white privilege” indicators).
The end result is a useless argument that cannot be disproven because it cannot be proven either. Feminists tend to assume that male privilege is superior because men hold most positions of political power, control larger portions of wealth, and are more often cast as heroes in the media. That men achieve this at the cost of shorter life spans, making up the vast majority of the homeless, and being the primary victims of violence, is ignored.
So what use does such a “theory” have when it is clearly flawed and violates even the most fundamental tenets of the scientific method?
It has the use of assigning blame and dolling out guilt, plain and simple.
There really isn’t female privilege (and there really isn’t much male privilege, either).
What there is, and is a lot of, is gender compliance privilege. People who comply with gender expectations are privileged over those who don’t. How you see this breaking down depends on which gender outcomes you’re interested in. But the “tit for tat” who’s the more righteous BS isn’t worthwhile.
No, there isn’t male privilege. The vast majority of men will experience obstacles/oppression due to there gender, which is why some geeky girl complaining because she isn’t perceived down to the brain wave exactly how she perceives herself, while flinging around bogus notions like “male privilege” around is nauseating.
You don’t get to decide what is a “non-problem” for women. Take your sexist opinions elsewhere. You are part of the problem.
I absolutely get to decide whether or not I see someone’s grievance as an actual problem, especially when someone is implying that men, en masse, need to fix something.
My opinions aren’t sexist; they’re fair. YOU are the problem.
“kicking up a fuss about it is actually not sexy”
The fuck it isn’t. Kick it up.
I’m a dude. This post is true, and I hate that it is. When I watch a gameplay commentary on youtube by a female, I feel myself taking them less seriously and judging them harsher than I would a man. And then I instantly say “That’s not right, I know that’s not right, I don’t want to think like that”, but it’s still in my head.
I wish it weren’t.
Everyone has their uncomfortable habits… thank you for your honesty. I respect what you’ve said, and the way you said it, and appreciate that you said it.
This is an interesting use of the term objectification. Previously I thought it referred to instances where there was a focus on a womans’s physical attributes at the exclusion of her mind & soul & personality & needs & wants & hopes & dreams & etc. As if the guy would prefer a barely sentient fleshy fuck-toy. However this is also appropriate since there is still a highly problematic disconnect between what one person wants when they see a second person, and what that second person actually is.
It’s perhaps inevitable that a person will form an image of a dream-mate in their head, and compare their actual mate to that. However it’s even more inevitable one will find differences, always. Both genders do this of course. In the case of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl and the Knight in Shining Armor tropes these dream mates are not only giving you an ideal relationship but fixing everything else in your life too. Which is even less realistic. Actually, with this similarity in mind I wonder why none of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl posts I’ve seen mention the savior knight.
It’s only natural for a guy to want a woman who shares his interests. Though previously the assumtion was this was a lost cause. So naturally the idea of a nerd-girl or girl who’s into sports is exciting, enough so one might get drawn up in the idea, producing a full fledged fantasy.
Of course if one critisizes your favorite things you’ll get defensive. The problem isn’t necessarily that they feel challenged, but rather they’re failure to consider you’re point of view. It’s still pretty bad but different from emasculation.
Male Privilege or Male escapism? As pathetic as it may seem Men are escaping into geek culture out of necessity.
Of course video games are contentious & misogynistic. They’re made for men who have little to no control of their surroundings. Do you really think that we want to hear feminist prattle while we’re trying to save the day?
Give me a break!
Also, Comic Books were the only things that survived the Women’s revolution unchanged since the 1960′s. Alleged “Patriarchal” norms of right and wrong have been immaculately maintained.
For Christ’s sake! Comic Books are a veritable Helms Deep of Masculine Refuge.
Basically, Men pay a financial premium to fantasies and Day Dream, don’t invade their space and ask them to change their fantasies. That’s JUST RUDE!
You have a point, Budmin.
The dream: a woman who likes what we like
The nightmare: a woman who wants to “fix” what we like.
I was a hardcore comic geek and played Heros Unlimited incessantly. I had a job just to buy more comics, dice and role playing books.
Women can complain about how female characters are drawn, but…if you read the comics long enough you find the characters well rounded. And what should be blatantly obvious is how the men are drawn! Seriously, has anyone looked at Magneto?? He’s gotta be pushing seventy and he’s muscled like that???
I agree with the escapism part of comics and sci fi. I think the genre is starting to realize that there are many women who enjoy it too. .As for computer games, it will come around.
Damn you Jim Lee!!! You and your obsession with objectifying Perfect physical specimens of Male and female beauty!
Like porn… feminists should keep their hands off that too.
*applause*
Love this. I think there is a similar phenomenon with women who are obsessed with sports (like the female anchors on SportsCenter who have had to endure so much male attention, much of it destructive). The idea that somehow a woman is just like a guy in interests just with the right equipment to have sex is this twisted wet dream. On the nerd side itself, I think women often are as good if not better than men with technology. I know my daughter and nieces seem more able to do amazing shit online and with their computers. My son and nephews are more interested in pounding rocks.
So I say use it girlfriend. Be a nerd. And the amazing woman you obviously are.
Jesus Christ, you are an unrepentant misandrist. So women are probably better with technology because your female family members are better with computers than your male family members? The fact that men are responsible for almost all technological advances doesn’t account for much, it seems.
“So I say use it girlfriend. Be a nerd. And the amazing woman you obviously are.”
LMAO.
Am I the only one laughing here? The author wants to assert her nerd cred, but she can’t even spell Dungeons And Dragons properly.
Besides, what really is the problem here. You don’t like men taking deciding what goes on in their own spare time?
Well, maybe you shouldn’t have done nothing when the cool guys beat the nerd guys and made their lives insufferable. Maybe you should have stood up for someone yourself, before you demand someone stand up for you.
You have no way of knowing that the author of the post never defended some geeky guy against those “cool guys.” You’re making an assumption because you don’t like the idea that maybe women have a right to call your spare time into question when it’s their spare time too. I woman has every right to call out video games and comics for being sexist if it’s something that she has a stake in. It’s just as much her entertainment as it is yours, and she has every right to have an opinion on it, even if it’s not perfectly flattering.
By the way, someone shouldn’t have to do the right thing for you to do the right thing. Even if she hadn’t been defending geeky boys in her childhood, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help women the same way. It’s called being a kind and enlightened human being.
“You have no way of knowing that the author of the post never defended some geeky guy against those “cool guys.””
I am making a prejudiced assumption, just as the author.
“You’re making an assumption because you don’t like the idea that maybe women have a right to call your spare time into question when it’s their spare time too. I woman has every right to call out video games and comics for being sexist if it’s something that she has a stake in.”
That doesn’t mean that criticism is justified or even legitimate.
“It’s just as much her entertainment as it is yours, and she has every right to have an opinion on it, even if it’s not perfectly flattering.”
She can have any opinions she likes, that doesn’t mean anyone else have to listen to them or change according to them.
“By the way, someone shouldn’t have to do the right thing for you to do the right thing.”
As you give, so you shall receive. And I am still waiting for people like the author to actually give instead of demanding.
“Even if she hadn’t been defending geeky boys in her childhood, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help women the same way. It’s called being a kind and enlightened human being.”
Sort of like the sympathy feminists have never been known to show for someone not of their own kind?
“Being able to speak three languages or complete a triathlon is unique and exceptional. I can’t do either of those things but, for my part, I would prefer if a guy was impressed because I made him laugh or because I have intelligent opinions on important things, not because I can quote Penny Arcade at length or beat the Water Temple blindfolded.”
Then go in venues where people appreciate laughing and intelligent opinions on important things.
As a trans woman nerd, I like that I can be with my boyfriend who plays videogames, and play videogames myself (not necessarily the same, and I prefer single-player RPGs a lot). This is much superior to me, to what he thinks of PETA, or his particular brand of humor. We’ve been together over 2 years, and still going.
I want us to share interests and have compatible sexuality and opinions (we can disagree, even a lot, but it has to remain liveable and agree-to-disagree on irreconcilable points).
Also “being a nerd” doesn’t necessarily means going into big gatherings of 12-15 people. I much prefer going in gatherings of 2~5 people, or stay home and have my brother come over (which makes 3). As for MMOs, I pick who I associate with. Very picky about it given I know there are a lot of immature people, especially in free-to-play stuff. I know I can’t eradicate the immature people, or revolution gaming so they don’t exist. I just work around them, and ignore them.
I experience this a lot… I’ve also had the awkward comment, “You’re just like a dood with boobs!” This was supposed to be a testament to how cool I was as a girl, but didn’t quite hit home. :\ Regardless, 9 times out of 10 this is the behavior you will get, but its the same behavior that you’d get in a non-nerd situation, too. A guy finds he can relate to you on a grade-school level of similar interests and mistakes that for chemistry.
As a married woman I can tell you that the rare guy comes along who sees you as a woman and an *equal*. Does he appreciate the fact that I can occasionally kick his ass at shooters? Yup. But he also assures me my butt never looks big in a dress, even if it does. We discuss politics and dinner, and raising cute little nerdlings together. Whether you’re a nerd, a jock, or any of the other breakfast club flavors, it all comes down to maturity.
I am a card carrying nerd. I have been readig sci fi since grade school, I made my own Ren Faire dress, I can argue with you about all the problems with the LOTR movies (don’t get me started!), I played D&D, I’m addicted to WoW (lvl 85 arcane mage, totally geared up), and I will happily play a game of Hansa or Caylus with you (and probably beat you). Also, I live in Silicon Valley so I can’t leave my house without tripping over fellow nerds. Do nerdy guys sometimes think it’s weird to meet a nerd girl – yes. Do they find it sexy and develop crushes on me – sometimes. Do I mind – no. I’ve mostly dated nerdy guys (my significant other is a typical code monkey slaving in the start-up salt mines) and actually I think it’s great if a guy is attracted to me because of the stuff I like and the things I can do. That doesn’t seem like objectification – in fact, it seems like the opposite of objectification. Most nerdy guys are very smart and they appreciate a woman who is smart AND sexy. Also, if man meets a woman who he likes and who is reasonably attractive, he will have sexual thoughts. That is true in any context. But I’d rather a guy like me primarily because of my mind than my boobs.
Is there an element of nerd culture that is anti-woman– I think there is, in the sense that some nerdy guys have poor social skills and flounder in the dating world, and as a result they have little interaction with women and their social networks become boys clubs. That’s unfortunate.
Will nerdy guys appreciate a serious discussion about sexism in video games – no, they won’t. On the other hand, I’ve found I can joke about it, like how silly my avatar looks (“could she wield a sword in that outfit?”) Most guys realize the inherent ridiculousness of a boobilicious elf slaying giant crocodiles and looting them for coppers and apples.
Really? ‘Cause my guys friends don’t mind having an intelligent conversation about sexism in video games. The issue for us is that we aren’t in the gaming industry and cannot fix these. The heart of the problem with sexism in video games is that if you have primary characters of either sex that isn’t attractive or funny, no one will buy the game.
You are right, bottom line, it’s all about money — sex sells!
Essentially, we are allowed to exist in the boys club because we are witty eye candy, or in the case of MMOs, ear candy. However, I am still myself and have found a space where I am allowed to be so. I wouldn’t trade my guy friends in for nothin’, I love those bastards like they are family; their friendship is well worth every creeper that comes my way. Truth be told, a few bold words pointed at an over-attentive nerdy boy fan usually has them scurrying back where they ventured out from. I am far more annoyed by the obnoxious girls who wield their nerdy aura like a magical net intended to snare all the attention they never got in high school. To me, their forced wit and endless babble of sexual innuendo are like nails being drawn down a chalk board.
Your narcissism is blinding.
Hey Hugo..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-N6j699vzA&feature=relmfu
“We are welcome in the boys club provide we acknowledge that is unquestionably male space and kicking up a fuss about it is actually not sexy, so you should just stop.”
Well of course. Imagine if I showed up at your house and started haranguing you about what was wrong with the things you liked. I might be right, but it would be pretty understandable if you became exasperated with me and told me to get out. By all means, challenge whatever sexism you find in nerdy niches. But it’s not really reasonable to expect that everyone you’re calling out will simply repent — especially if you’re in a space that has traditionally been exclusively theirs. Some will, and those are probably the kind of guys who are worth spending time with. That some nerd who’s been rejected by women hates women or at least isn’t particularly interested in their experiences which don’t overlap his own should surprise no one. That doesn’t make woman-hating OK, but that does make it seem reasonable to me that people might be a little territorial about you entering their space.
No, not “well of course.”
Comics are not anybody’s house. Videogames are not anybody’s house. I am not going into anyone’s house and haranguing anyone. If anything, I am sitting in a public area wondering why the hell it’s covered in crude and offensive images of women, and asking if there’s anyway we could get them taken down, or at least make them a bit less crude and offensive? And while I am there, asking these questions, a group of guys descend on me and tell that I have no right to be here because they own this place, and while they can’t actually make me leave, this is their space and I’m being really rude because I won’t just shut up and put up.
No one owns these spaces. It is unreasonable to get territorial when someone enters a space that you DO NOT OWN. It is totally unreasonable and sexist for a man to get territorial when a woman raises issues of gender equality in a traditionally male space, especially since these are the spaces in which inequality is most prevalent. Equally, it would be unreasonable and sexist (and hypocritical) of me to get territorial if a man raised an issue about gender equality with regard to fashion or baking or any other past-time traditionally gendered female.
I do not expect everyone to “simply repent,” because no issue is ever that simple. Unfortunately, I am no longer surprised when gender issues in these areas are met with disinterest, ridicule and outright hostility. In fact, I’m pretty much resigned to it. But, idealist that I am, I still expect at least to be listened to and to be taken seriously as a gamer/reader/fellow human. That would be a great first step, and I’m going to keep barging into non-existent houses and stating my case until it happens.
It’s not really about being a nerd. It’s about objectification, or labeling, or whatever you want to call it.
We all want to be seen and respected for who we are, not for some label somebody else has placed onto us. Even though I self-identify as a male geek, I’m not comfortable if the only reason a woman is attracted to me is because I’m a geek. I’d rather she think I’m a good guy, with nice qualities, and a unique personality, topped off with different hobbies.
Bottom line: I don’t want attention because I’m a geek, I want attention because I’m unique.
Really well said. Shame it got so much hostile criticism. On a not-completely-unrelated note, here’s a slight quibble with one bit.
“This quirky girl is accepted as one of the guys; she’s whip-smart, loves Star Wars/Lord of the Rings/Dungeons & Dragon, she swears and she makes “guy” jokes. Crucially, she is low maintenance; she never wants to go shopping or worries about her nails, and she makes no stressful demands of her male counterpart when it comes to silly things like anniversaries and personal hygiene.”
“Obviously, this idealised nerd girl does not actually exist,…”
Actually, she kind of does exist…well, except for the not caring about men’s personal hygiene part. But, the quirky, whip-smart, swearing, “guy-joking”, low maintenance, etc. nerd girl is likely to be a nerd girl who can hang out with nerd boys as friends and co-workers, because she doesn’t care about impressing them and isn’t thinking about them as romantic material. She doesn’t think about them any more than most of them think about each other that way. On the other hand, her interest in Xena and Gabrielle was personal.
At least in my case, this nerd girl (programmer/tech nerd, car mechanic, home-maintenance DIYer, math problem geek) is way more interested in that hot, sometimes-nerdy *girl* who loves aesthetics, art, words, music, food, philosophy, political theory, and a hundred other things we may have in common! If she can share, or at least tolerate, my rhapsodizing about my latest tech interest, great. But, either way, at least I know she’ll be able to hold a serious (non-nerdy) conversation, will know reality from fantasy, and will be a damn fine kisser!
I know you’re not saying that if a girl has these qualifiers she HAS to be a lesbian, but my husband would be terribly disappointed if you did