—
I’m a father.
I’m still getting used to saying that. Over the course of my life, I’ve called myself many things. Musician, writer, photographer, fanboy, husband and human being. But father? Never that. At least, not until recently.
My wife put up with my misgivings about having a baby for a number of years. It took a lot of soul-searching and self-analysis to find a way to tell her why I wasn’t ready to have a child in a way she would understand and accept. I was afraid of losing my independence and self-sufficiency. I was afraid of losing control of my life as I knew it and losing the relationship with my wife. I liked things the way they were, and as the saying goes, having a baby changes everything.
She begrudgingly accepted my reasoning, but I could still hear her biological clock ticking away with maternal desire. Time passed by as it always does, and as our marriage developed I found myself realizing the only thing missing in our marriage was a child. We set about to make that happen and were fortunate enough to become pregnant after just a couple of tries.
The pregnancy was a whirlwind of hormones and emotions. I have a feeling the term “emotional roller coaster” was coined by the responsible male half of the pregnancy equation. We made it through those 10 long months and wound up in an operating room to have a c-section after 48 hours of labor with no real progression.
Sitting there in the OR next to my wife, decked out in disposable scrubs, I couldn’t help but feel like the hourglass of my pre-fatherhood life was dwindling down to the last few grains of sand. I looked into my wife’s eyes, trying to grasp the reality of what was about to happen.
The doctor asked for a scalpel. For a few moments, it was just my wife and I in the room. The noise of the equipment and the murmur of the doctors and nurses around us faded away to the background. There was an excited gasp, and then my daughter cried out for the first time.
I closed my eyes and squeezed my wife’s shoulders, unable to stop the tears because I finally understood.
When you become a father it’s not about what you lose. It’s how everything you have changes. All my fears disappeared the instant I heard her cry because I knew from that moment forward I was responsible for this child. Worry changes into determination. Fear morphs into love. Apprehension into perseverance. Self-doubt gives way to instinct.
After the doctors cleaned my daughter, I got up from my seat next to my wife and went to see her. They handed her to me and I carried her over to my wife, holding her up so she could see her daughter while still on the operating table. I felt the world change around me. As it turns out, I’m not so adverse to change as I thought.
I’m a father. I think I can get used to saying that.
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
iration in your inbox twice per week.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
The Good Men Project is an Amazon.com affiliate. If you shop via THIS LINK, we will get a small commission and you will be supporting our Mission while still getting the quality products you would have purchased, anyway! Thank you for your continued support!
—
Photo credit: iStock
Such a sweet, sweet post about becomming a parent. The first year is such an amazing time. I remember my husbands face when he came back to the operating table with our first (who is now EIGHT, good grief!). He was positively beaming with joy, after not being all that excited during the pregnancy. It is completely uncexpected, unexplainable, and wonderful. Congrats to you and your wife!!
I can relate to your posts, even though I was the pregnant one. My sons’ father had walked out on us, and I was not mentally or emotionally prepared. I spent so much of my pregnancy worrying that I wouldn’t bond with my child b/c I would be so upset and the remind of his father. But the moment I heard him cry and the dr placed him on my chest (following an unplanned C-section), all my doubts fell away and I fell in love. 5 years later, and he is still the love of my life.
@Brian Wise words, my friend.
@Murray Glad I could help!
@Carolyn Thanks!
@Kristina Wright Sorry about that. =)
@Nicole Gohagen I enjoy writing about it. Thank you!
@Scribe Thank you!
@AmyD Ah, 23 weeks… I remember that time.
This is so beautiful that I am slobbering all over my desk at work. Hey, I’m 23 weeks pregnant…emotional rollercoaster indeed.
Honestly though, your words are lovely and I think The Boss and Baby Badass are so lucky to have such a great guy in their lives. The way you captured the fear and ultimate joy in that OR was brilliant. I totally relate to that.
Damn you Badass, you made me teary-eyed. Damn you and your beautiful family! Congrats on the addition to your family. I’m sure you all will be awesomely equipped!
I have been following your blog for awhile now and love everything you write about. Especially hearing about the Boss and your little bundle of joy and everything you share about your journey as new parents :).
Geez Mike, you are making me cry, again!
Wow does this bring back memories for me. My oldest will head off to college in the fall and lately I have been marveling at that fact. what a cool journey you two have begun. All the best to you!
Dude I know exactly how you feel, I was so uncomfortable letting go some control over the direction of my life but when I realised I had found someone who I knew would make a great mother and partner, it was time to give in.
13 weeks in, and this post made me even more excited about what’s to come.
Thank you so much
Thanks for bringing me back to my kids’ births. The days can be long but the years are short. Trust me!
@Melissa Thank you! And yes, my wife and I are 26 and 25, respectively.
@Amanda Thanks!
Fan for life and can’t wait to meet the little princess!
LOVE the way you write! This was beautiful. But as a self appointed fact checker (annoying asshole), arent you guys like 25?