Because if you don’t, can you blame me if I believe what I see?
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Throughout my childhood, I tried to be the son my dad never had. I played sports, refused to cry and fought every boy in my first grade class. I learned to suppress my tears better than most girls, but on the rare occasions when I did cry, no one looked away embarrassed or called me names. After I fell and broke my arm, not one of the neighborhood boys responded to my tears by rolling their eyes or telling me to “man up.” To this day, I have never had anyone raise an eyebrow when I said I was too scared to walk outside alone at night.
I saw little outward evidence of any sensitive male emotions; and I assumed that was because they didn’t exist.
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Despite my best efforts, I’ve never really gotten to taste what it feels like to be a man. My only understanding comes from observing those around me. I rarely saw boys my age cry, but I saw girls cry all the time. I never saw my dad cry. My male cousins confidently offered to beat up anyone who threatened me; and didn’t seem scared of anything. I saw little outward evidence of any sensitive male emotions; and I assumed that was because they didn’t exist.
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As a child, I relaxed when my dad was home because I was certain he wasn’t scared of any danger that might confront us. I consciously looked for a strong man to marry. Even when I was working as a high school teacher, I remember how much better I felt when one of the football players noticed another student’s erratic behavior and said, “Don’t worry, Mrs. Walker, I got your back.” It sounds so silly now, but it never occurred to me that any of the guys I relied on might feel fear too.
Then I had a baby boy, followed by three more baby boys. I learned every flick of their eyebrows and every twitch of their lips and I learned, as well as any woman can learn, that boys do feel fear. They also feel sadness, disappointment, discouragement, and the same depth and variety of emotions that girls feel. It saddens me that at some point they start feeling the need to stifle these emotions, but they do. One by one, I’ve watched all of my boys grow and slowly start turning off as many emotional cues in their behavior as they can.
I think the thoughts that went through my head were probably something along the lines of “No, no, no! You don’t get to act like a girl. Pull yourself together!”
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I married a good man, but he wasn’t immune from these pressures either. In the early stages of his career, my husband had a series of difficult bosses; both men and women who seemed to enjoy berating, intimidating and threatening their employees. While I was at home drowning in all the bodily fluids that accompany the early years of parenthood, my husband was at work drowning in all the proverbial bodily fluids being lobbed at him. He didn’t complain, so I was only vaguely aware of his struggles. One night after a particularly brutal stretch, he couldn’t hide it anymore. He walked into our bedroom after we’d gotten our boys to bed and broke down. I was surprised, irritated, and not very supportive. I think the thoughts that went through my head were probably something along the lines of “No, no, no! You don’t get to act like a girl. Pull yourself together!” I only have a few regrets in my life, and this is one of them.
Fortunately, my husband was strong enough, even in that moment, to let me know my response wasn’t helpful. He insisted on being treated with dignity and respect. I can’t say I responded with compassion right away. It took some time for my paradigm to shift, but eventually I understood he was right.
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It’s been almost a decade since that night and I’ve grown a lot in that time, but I still don’t know what it feels like to be a man. I undoubtedly still have many mistaken assumptions lurking below the surface. So if I treat you unfairly, don’t resent me because I haven’t been a man and I don’t understand. Instead, teach me what is true and show me what is real. Increase the accuracy of my observations by owning your right to feel and rejecting social stereotypes that make you feel you shouldn’t. Insist on being treated with dignity and respect; and help me learn to love and support you better.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Men have been genetically programmed and culturally conditioned to ultimately provide for and protect their families. This is perhaps my first, most and singular overriding thought. Rightly or wrongly, well, there is no rightly or wrongly, that is the way it has been since man and woman came into existence. This thought provides the basis for most of my actions. I will make the grand assumption that I am not all that different from other men, intelligence and cuteness notwithstanding. Even though I have been known to share my emotions or express them to others, I feel more of force… Read more »
In large part, I agree with you, Jeff. The drive men feel to provide and protect is real. Expressing vulnerability often seems counter to that, and in some cases I’m sure it would hurt more than it would help. I’m not advocating falling apart whenever something goes wrong. What I’m suggesting is being clear about how you feel when you’re around people you trust. When my husband and sons are clear with me, it makes it so much easier for me to respond with compassion and love. I’m pretty good at reading their cues, but I can only wrap my… Read more »
Men have been genetically programmed and culturally conditioned not to express emotions. Consider the previous 50,000 years of human existence. Or more, I honestly don’t know how long people have been around. But, my point is before 50+ years ago, did anybody really care if men expressed their emotions since they were busy hunting or planting food or making a living? My most basic core thought is to provide and protect my family. I have been given the physical attributes, via size and strength, to do that. Showing emotions is really not helpful if it prevents me from that. However,… Read more »
Gym, gun range, motorcycle. none of them give a sh*t about your ‘feelings’ – tis why I will always find myself at one of them when the social justice sh*t gets too deep and thick. My “feelings” are that too many are worried about some damn imagined offense to get shit done. So beyond sick of that – “Let’s just hug it out” bs or the “get in touch with your feminine side” wtf. i have a sister that can cry on command, if anybody needs to take a look at their emotions, i suggest a mirror, meanwhile, my new… Read more »
Nobody suggested any of those things that you’re accusing people of and your retort is an example of escapism, you’re drawn to things that won’t expose you as vulnerable. I appreciate guns as much the next guy (looking to get a 300blk upper for my AR), but honestly, everyone has feelings, even you, and as horrifying as it might sound, people sometime care about them.
“…everyone has feelings, even you, and as horrifying as it might sound, people sometime care about them.”
🙂 This response made me smile. Nice one Nolan.
Yes, Nolan. People may sometime on an odd occation care about my feelings. But vastly more often than not, they just won’t give a rat’s a$$. And if they do, they are usually trying to sell me something
Interesting comments. Seems more people want to talk about women than men. Maybe that’s just another aspect of the dynamic. Don’t ask me to be vulnerable or tell my secrets. I will say this though. A lot of times men do tell. It’s just that people aren’t used to listening. If men don’t use the communication style they’re comfortable with then the man hasn’t opened up in their minds. That’s why on another article here I mentioned communication styles. Let’s say your husband is normally outgoing and suddenly he’s quiet. That’s an indication that something may be going on. If… Read more »
This reminds me of a section in Warren Farrell’s Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say. Men remain stoic as women are attracted to men that make them more secure. When a man shares his vulnerability, it makes her less secure and she immediately resents feeling this way, becoming less confident in the relationship. This turned out just okay for the author’s husband. He demanded dignity and respect from her, which is all we’ve been doing for the past thirty years. Most of the time it simply gets us laughed at, and the author even admits that she still didn’t… Read more »
“What I’ve found is that as long as you are confident as to who you are as a man, then expressing vulnerability openly and honestly will connect you more to the people in your life.” There in lies the rub. The old chicken and egg thing. There was an article here about men not hurting. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/men-get-scared-too-james-gummer-jrmk/ Basically, unless women create the safe space men need to discuss their feelings, the only men who would be willing to discuss their feelings (and to be clear these usually tend to be expressed as needs) are those men who are emotionally invested enough… Read more »
John A,
In other words, the only men willing to discuss their feelings, are the ones who are emotionally secure enough that they don’t have to. Lest they experience a sudden and rapid decline in their girlfriend’s attraction for him.
“n other words, the only men willing to discuss their feelings, are the ones who are emotionally secure enough that they don’t have to.”
Yup.
“No, No, No…! You don’t get to act like a girl…!” Men under duress express themselves differently from women… It also seems that they provide support for other men in ways different from women …. Or sometimes they don’t seem to know how to support other people…. I have told stories about my troubled past in a mainly masculine arena and received almost no support… If anything, I felt like I was attacked or accused of exaggerating or misrepresenting the past events as I experienced them…. When I joined a female forum (professional mom forum), I suddenly received a ton… Read more »
This is a classic nature vs nurture question, isn’t it? How much of the gender differences are the result of biology and how much are the result of social structures that give men fewer opportunities to learn these valuable social support skills? I’m sure some of both, but in my experience, men can be every bit as empathetic and supportive as women, when they make the effort to learn how. So whether these are skills that come naturally or not doesn’t matter as much as the fact that they can be learned. An important question in response to your comment… Read more »
“An important question in response to your comment is how do we make learning the social support skills you mention appealing for men?” it is not an option for men anymore Christine. Unless we grow in the emotionally intelligence department, we are going to continue to experience social ills and self-destructive behavior. Much like Leia….I have seen several therapists over the years…Only one man. That was enough. His approach was: 1) OK what’s your problem…2) OK let’s fix it!!!, 3) why do you try this…he heard me. But he was not listening to me. Now, i only deal with a… Read more »
Well, it’s always an option, Jules, but I agree with you. Men who resist developing emotional intelligence are going to continue to experience social ills and self destructive behavior. Fortunately there are more than a few emotionally intelligent men out there proving it can be done. I’m sorry the male therapist you ran into wasn’t one of them!
Leia,
Perhaps we, both men and women, just are wired to easier provide empathy and support for people with whom we share more of common experiences?
As you see by Christine’s reaction to her husband’s vulnerability, there wasn’t all that much of empathy and support in her initial reaction, was there?
One of the things I fail to remember often enough when thinking about the world women live in–which sucks, by the way–is the size differential. One of the reasons men don’t understand what women experience is because men are used to being physically equal. My wife is 7 inches shorter and weighs a bit more than a hundred pounds less than I am. How often do I encounter someone that much bigger than me? Once a year? Honestly, probably less. When people are physically intimidating because of just their size, you don’t want to be in a position to have… Read more »
Your wife sounds a lot like me. I’m 8 inches shorter than my husband and half his weight. There’s no way he can ever appreciate what it feels like to be me. But even though he may not experience what I experience, he can still be compassionate if he accepts my reality, just like you clearly are. I may not ever experience what my husband experiences, but I can still be compassionate if I accept his reality.
“…….he can still be compassionate if he accepts my reality,…” Before he can accept your reality he mist first understand it. Once he understands it, he can then empathize and hence accept it. This is an area where we men can really do a much better jib. We just need to try!!! As a man, I could never understand how many men could say the things they said to women, how they could talk about women, how they could do some of the things they did to women. Especially, with most of us having mothers. aunts, grandmothers, etc. Still it… Read more »
True, and I agree. I worry about the women my sons are going to find. I hope and pray they find the kind of true partners you describe, or at least some committed to the long haul and willing to learn.
@ Michael Lombardi I’m not a very big guy and I have rarely felt fear when talking to much larger men. I’m 5′ 7″. Not much taller than the average size woman and up until my early 20s was about 140 lbs. which is right about what the average woman weighs and might have actually been a little lighter. At the dojang, I was routinely picked to spar with the women if only one showed up to class as I would be closest in size. After about my 15th birthday, I don’t think I’ve ever been afraid of any man… Read more »
Michael Lombardi,
One girlfriend of mine was 3 inches taller than me, and ultimately broke up with me because I wasn’t “manly enough” for her.
Another girlfriend, although 4 inches shorter than me, outweighted me by some 15 pounds.
And unlike John Anderson, I’ve never been able to beat up even anyone of my own size.
So please enlighten me some more about the size issues that women face and that I need to emphatize with.
Read Men On Strike by Helen Smith for more on this.
Will do. Thank you for the suggestion.
I think the thoughts that went through my head were probably something along the lines of “No, no, no! You don’t get to act like a girl. Pull yourself together!” I only have a few regrets in my life, and this is one of them. Fortunately, my husband was strong enough, even in that moment, to let me know my response wasn’t helpful. He insisted on being treated with dignity and respect. I can’t say I responded with compassion right away. It took some time for my paradigm to shift, but eventually I understood he was right. Its nice to… Read more »
You’re right, Danny. True compassion is a multi way street. But change is never easy. Early women’s suffrage leaders suffered when they tried to initiate change and encountered resistance. I get criticized every time I suggest women should be more compassionate towards men; so I have no doubt that there will be men who suffer when they insist they have a right to feel a full range of emotions. This makes me sad, but it doesn’t mean the idea is wrong, or that the change will never happen. Everyone needs to decide what they are personally willing to do, but… Read more »
@ Christine Walker, “….but I hope more men will stand up in the face of accusations of: misogyny, hatred, etc. and insist that they have a right to be loved, supported and treated with compassion.” YES!!! I am so disappointed that so many men have been shamed into silence. The people who are really speaking up for hetero men these days are gay men and women. So sad. It is as if we have surrendered.. I can remember last year telling a woman who asked why I divorced my ex wife, “I did so because I needed to feel loved… Read more »
Yep, we like to think we’re emotionally evolved, but women clearly have a lot to learn too.
If you can’t create as safe a space for the men in your life to be emotionally vulnerable as you can for women, it’s not the men who need to change.
True.
Actually, I think it’s up to both partners to create safe places for emotional vulnerability. I think both women and men struggle with that in relationships. So yes, men do need to change sometimes. But so do women.
Exactly.
And I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman. I never will. Failing to recognize what should be obvious is often the reason women and men misattribute motivations to each other. Max Wolf Valerio wrote a book called The Testosterone Files about going from a radical lesbian feminist to coming out as a transgender man. He wrote that his feminist education failed to prepare him for the realities of the male role. Norah Vincent, with the help of a makeup artist and acting coach, passed as a man for a year. Her book Self Made Man is a… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more, Dave. Sounds like a fascinating book. I’m going to have to read it, in the very near future.