Hugo Schwyzer tries to discern why even after several failed relationships with lesbians or lesbian types, his heart still flutters around short hair and strong jaws.
I enjoyed reading last week’s A Girl Who Likes Boys Who Like Boys: The Joy of Dating Gay Men. I know from my colleagues, students, and friends that “Feminist Dating Blogger” is hardly the only heterosexual woman with a penchant for pursuing gay men. But there’s a male equivalent to this, and it’s one I know all too well. I’ve fallen for more than my share of lesbians, including my second wife.
Lots of people have “types” to which they are consistently attracted. From the time pubescent hormones started surging through my body, I found that I was particularly drawn to female jocks. It’s not as if my attraction was limited to athletes alone; I was a horny teen boy who could be turned on by almost anything that moved. But I tended to get crushes on the same type of girl: the star basketball player, the soccer forward, the swimmer. Some were lesbians. Some weren’t.
In several classes during my junior year of high school, I sat next to “Kendall,” the statuesque multi-sport star. A year ahead of me, Kendall was nearly six feet tall, broad-shouldered, with a jawline that could cut glass. All-League in three sports, she wore her letterman’s jacket almost every day, and would often come to class with her short dark hair still wet from the post-workout shower. Her signature scent was chlorine with a hint of sweat.
I was a nerd; she was a jock. We both liked history. We became fast friends.
It was rumored that Kendall was a lesbian. (This was a homophobic small town high school in the early ‘80s. No one was “out.”) She certainly didn’t seem to date anyone. When I worked up the courage to ask her to the Homecoming dance, she gave me her dazzling smile and said, “Aww, Hugo, let’s not spoil our friendship, okay?” She told me later she didn’t like school dances. “A waste of money, and the music sucks.” Kendall headed off to college on a swimming scholarship, and in that pre-social media era, we quickly lost touch. Years later, thanks to Facebook, we reconnected. And I learned that Kendall was happily married to a woman.
My attraction to androgynous jocks continued in college. I dated a couple of athletes at Cal (a friend labeled me, rather unkindly, a “sports bra sniffer”). At one point I developed a huge crush on Meg, a club soccer player and a freshman year housemate. Meg soon set me straight, as it were, by introducing me to her girlfriend. I knew perfectly well that not every female athlete was a lesbian. But I was developing a pattern of falling hardest for girls who liked other girls—or who, at the least, were far from boy crazy.
What is it that drew me so often to women who were same-sex attracted? It certainly wasn’t the stereotypical male fantasy about what they were doing in bed, and it certainly had nothing to do with a macho belief that I could turn a gay woman straight. And though I dated and slept with women who were straight as arrows and whose interest in competitive sports was nonexistent, I kept getting little crushes (and sometimes much more) on lesbians.
♦◊♦
A college roommate of mine (a psych major headed for a career as a Freudian analyst) offered a theory: perhaps I was scared of being with a woman who would really be in love with me because of the harm I might do to them. As Terry put it: “If you’re with a woman who is primarily attracted to other women, then even if she does sleep with you, you can’t really break her heart. That makes you feel safe, like you’ll never be the truly bad guy in her life.” There was a grain of truth in that, I felt. It was certainly better than Terry’s other theory, which was that my mother was a closeted lesbian and that chasing Queer women was my way of drawing close to her.
Another friend, Sheila, was more inclined to scientific explanations. She wondered if I might be chemically drawn to women with high testosterone levels. Sheila, who was not gay, was convinced that there was a specific “lesbian biochemistry” and that many lesbians had discernible facial features (especially around the jaw) that marked them out from other women. I wasn’t so sure about the specific physiognomy of gay women, and knew damn well that lesbians didn’t all have higher testosterone levels than straight women. But maybe Sheila was right, and this attraction was more chemical than anything else.
But theories only carry us so far. Even if we choose to believe that one of them is true, mere awareness of why we do something is rarely enough to stop doing it. And after college, my pattern kept re-emerging.
After a disastrous and brief first marriage, I met “Courtney,” the woman who would be my second wife. We met at a Twelve Step meeting, and became fast friends. I fell hard. My first wife had been a petite, feminine young woman who hated to sweat; Courtney represented the epitome of “my type.” I figured I needed to revert to form, and Court—a short-haired athlete, hiker, and yoga enthusiast who lived in the flannel that was de rigueur in the early ‘90s—embodied the kind of woman to whom I’d long been drawn. And I was sure she wasn’t lesbian; when I first met her, Courtney was dating a man.
At first, my crush didn’t seem reciprocated. But after months of spending platonic time together (and after my first divorce was at last final), Courtney told me shyly one day that she thought she might be falling in love with me. As far as I was concerned, it was a dream come true; I was ecstatic. Our mutual friends assured us we were perfect together. One, Jenny, remarked, “You guys make so much sense. Court’s just a little bit masculine, and Hugo, you’re just a little bit femmy in some ways. You two are meant to be!”
The sex was, from the start, awkward. Courtney seemed to love foreplay, and she definitely loved receiving oral sex. But she never offered to reciprocate, and when I shyly asked her why, she shuddered. “I just have a weird hang-up about it,” she said. “Can we do other things?” Other things included intercourse, though she always begged me to come quickly once I was inside of her. She assured me it was because she got sore easily, and not because she didn’t like what we were doing. I wasn’t so sure. Eventually, we developed a reliable routine: I would go down on her and masturbate myself while I did so. It was the one kind of sex for which Courtney seemed eager, and I got pretty good at timing my orgasm to hers.
♦◊♦
Sexual awkwardness and incompatibility can mean so many different things. I knew that it couldn’t mean Court was lesbian; after all, she reminded me constantly how in love with me she was. (She was very good at verbal reassurance.) And I was so in love with her that the thought didn’t cross my mind. It crossed the mind of others, however.
After a family dinner to celebrate our engagement, a lesbian cousin of mine called me up and asked if I was “sure” about Courtney. When I inquired why she was asking, my cousin noted that my fiancée seemed to “light up around certain women” but never “lit up” the same way around me. “I just have a feeling, Hugo,” my cousin said. “Has Courtney ever dated a woman?”
I was stunned. I shouldn’t have been. I was already teaching women’s studies; I worked with gay and lesbian students and activists on an almost daily basis; I volunteered with AIDS Project Los Angeles. I was open about my past of sexual experimentation with men. If anyone had exquisite gaydar, it was me! But even as I awkwardly reassured my cousin of the intensity of Courtney’s attraction to me, something about the idea made sense. But it couldn’t be. I told my cousin she was confusing Courtney’s outer androgyny with her inner sexuality. There was no such confusion in the bedroom, I insisted.
But there was.
For our honeymoon, Court and I went fly-fishing on the McKenzie River. She didn’t want a beach in Hawaii; she wanted a rod and reel and a driftboat in the Northwest. I was so in love I’d have worked on a Ford assembly line if that was how she wanted to spend our first week as husband and wife. The sex was the same as always, but Court seemed giddily happy to be married at last.
Two weeks after we got home from the honeymoon, Courtney and I had sex for the last time. I was cut off cold. Bewildered that her admittedly lukewarm libido had turned off so completely, I complained and sulked. I masturbated disconsolately in the shower a few mornings a week.
Outwardly, all was well for a while. Court and I hiked together, rescued dogs together, volunteered together. We held hands and hugged still, but it was clear that everything else was off limits. My wife offered a series of explanations and excuses; sometimes it was that she was too tired or stressed, other times it was that I had been “mean” or inattentive in some way. As in love with her as I still was, I assumed she was telling the truth. Eventually, it just became easier not to try. We joined the ranks of the sexless and married.
♦◊♦
Twenty months after Courtney and I had married, I relapsed on drugs after several years of sobriety. I “used at her,” getting loaded out of hostility and frustration that I couldn’t fully articulate. I went back to drugs in the hope that that might show her how much pain I was in, particularly over the sexless state of our marriage. Court insisted I move out. I rented a room in a sober living boarding house, and soon began an affair with a housemate. After more than a year and a half of fidelity, I cheated with a woman who made it clear she wanted me. It was a cowardly, but understandable, way to get back at Courtney. I told my wife what I’d done, and she instantly demanded a divorce.
The legal proceedings were swift and easy. So too was my quick descent back into heavy drug and alcohol use. My now second ex-wife made clear she wanted me out of her life completely; she couldn’t even be friends with a former husband who was using. We lost touch.
It was only after I got clean again two years later that I learned, from a mutual friend, that Court had moved in with a woman just weeks after our divorce. Her “coming out” had been greeted with a complete lack of surprise by virtually everyone who’d known her. I was overwhelmed with a mix of shock and relief. Shock that I’d missed so many obvious signs, relief that despite my myriad failings as a husband, our complete lack of sexual connection had not all been my fault.
I knew better than to believe that I had turned Courtney into a lesbian through my own sexual incompetence, though it didn’t stop a few people from teasing me about just that. She had come from a conservative family who would have been deeply embarrassed to have a gay child. She may always have known, but did her best to hide it, perhaps hoping that her feelings might change. Or she might have been like more than a few women I’ve known, and only discovered her true sexual identity after already being married to a man.
Of all my exes, Courtney is the only one with whom I’ve had no contact since the divorce more than fifteen years ago. She rebuffed the one attempt at an amends I made, more than a decade ago, and I see no reason to try again. In the Facebook era, I’m easy enough to find should she want to reach out. I’ve heard a few small tidbits from mutual acquaintances over the years, and know enough to know she’s still a short-haired jock who rescues dogs … and lives with a woman.
Nine years ago, when I started dating Eira, the woman who is now my spouse and the mother of my daughter, I had a moment of trepidation. She was a former college soccer star turned triathlete and kick-boxer. She had short dark hair. Physically at least, she was very much my “type.” And as we laughingly established early on in our dating, when I shared the story of my marriage to Courtney, Eira was straight.
I confess that after a dinner where I introduced Eira to my lesbian cousin, I raised a querying eyebrow at the latter. My cousin laughed. “You’re safe this time,” she promised. Nearly a decade later, I’m pretty sure I’m safe for good.
But every once in a while, I’ll be walking down the street and pass a tall woman with short hair, a lantern jaw, and a loud, confident laugh. And for a few seconds, my heart will beat just a bit faster.
—Photo justin/Flickr
I also fancy lesbians. But it’s not about athleticism or mannishness, or a “she-jock” thing. I’m socially empathetic, and shy, nervous people make me careful about what I do and say around and to them. I’m more relaxed around women who are themselves confident, broadminded and sex-positive, and I get a buzz from feeling that way. But in my culture, a landslide majority of those women would rather have sex with each other than with any man.
Im a lesbian, ive never seen anything like this written before. I did not know that there were men who were attracted to women with masculine features, and i think that most streight women do not know it either. I can remember when i first went to a lesbian youth group at 18, i had people asking me if i was bisexual simply because i did not have the right masculine look. Many people seen to think that if a woman looks masculine she must be a lesbian, and because of this idea in peoples minds it becomes in a… Read more »
Okay, your reaction to being rendered sexless wasn’t all that great and it sounds like you weren’t particularly honest with yourself at points in this marriage. But it seems to me (unless I misread this article) that you pen apologetics for this woman. There is no nicer way to put it than that she wronged you: she was dishonest to you and by all accounts to herself (while I allow that she may have been confused about her sexuality, I doubt very much she harboured any doubts as to the issue of not sleeping with you and she should have… Read more »
http://www.henrymakow.com/i_was_married_to_a_lesbian.html
While it’s not really my place to psychoanalyze Hugo’s relationships, I will say that I appreciate seeing a story about relationships involving GLBT people on here. My husband and I are both pansexual (bisexual is easier to say in common social situations, but “pan” more accurately describes our preferences). He’s dated mostly bisexual and pansexual women in the past, had some experiences with men, and dated a straight woman or two. I think he dated one lesbian. I dated a few too many straight men before coming out, bisexual and lesbian women, and bisexual men. We’ve both had trans partners.… Read more »
Your story sounds fantastic, I wish I could somehow get my wife to see it too. We are stuck on a path to a loveless marriage. I am confident that she is a lesbian, but she either does not know it or does not want to admit it to me. I wish that I were wrong, but all it does is lead me to self-destructive behavior on porn sites, and other passive aggressive traits which I despise in myself. I desperately want our relationship to work and make sacrifices to enable her career, but I do not think it ever… Read more »
My husband is bisexual and I’m pan. We also look like your typical heterosexual marriage, but we too “geek out” together and often spend the before/after sexytimes connecting through intimate conversation about who would win a lightsaber battle or discussing what our favorite bands are doing. I’m a very masculine/tomboyish woman, but that’s largely due to the fact that I have PCOS, and that causes my testosterone levels to surge a lot. I am obviously comfortable and happy being female, but I often wonder what it would be like to have a penis and all that entails. I am very… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your story, Hugo. It’s easy for people to say what they would have done not having been in your shoes. I lived in the Bay Area for a little while and I heard constant stories of married guys who would go out and have flings with other men, then come back home to their wives. There were even special places designated for that kind of thing. We aren’t going around telling the wives they’re terrible people and suckers. It’s not easy to leave someone you’re in love with, even when the going gets tough. It also… Read more »
“Who cares if it is? I enjoyed the story from this perspective and it’s one I haven’t heard before.” Well, some people did not enjoy the story for many reasons and have registered their responses accordingly. Is only positive reception relevant? It is strange that you simply say “Who cares if it is?” and then you go on to say “It might be somewhat tacky to post in such detail personal details about an ex-wife, though, so I hope she never comes across this.” What if she does come across this and feels violated and exposed? Would that change your… Read more »
It was a very funny article.
Nice to know the officialy approved form of expressing sexuality (for men) is to perform cunnulingus on a lesbian while masturbating.
Good thing feminists are a tiny hate group in my country.
Another page in the table-bending phone book of Don’t. Pretend. To. Be. Straight.
It’s good though, to see the often missing other side of the equation: Be sure your hetero partner IS hetero.
On a less serious note I’d to see you teach a class on the works of R. Crumb. ;p
I’m not sure what the point of a story like this is, other than trying to get attention in a “woe is me” manner. Look at me! I pick bad partners and stick with them out of misguided allegiances! This relationship was quite dysfunctional from the start. Apparently this closet lesbian just needed a good pal she could share her feelings and activities with, who would go down on her every now and then with a pat on the head and a token in-and-out. Schwyzer seems to be advocating self flagellation in the face of a woman who quite clearly… Read more »
wow….reading this brought up a lot of emotions in me…I’ve had a similar situation with my ex girlfriend… she has had 2 new boyfriends since me…but this article opened my eyes…there are so many similarities. the “fast” sex part…the aparent soreness when having sex…the excuses for not having sex…the looks she gave other women…how she used to talk about other women and their bodies…the lack of interest in men…the “no contact” rules she made in bed…the statements of hate towards men she gave towards me after the breakup…the athleticism and jockyness she has…the interests in “boy stuff”… it all kinda… Read more »
Interesting perspective, Hugo, especially in light of the “marriage defenders” who tell gay men and lesbians they can “just marry people of the other sex if they want to get married.” One thing though, you write: “For our honeymoon, Court and I went fly-fishing on the McKenzie River. She didn’t want a beach in Hawaii; she wanted a rod and reel and a driftboat in the Northwest.” I’m not sure that would imply lesbianism. Is there really a correlation between sexual orientation and a preference for going fly-fishing instead of going to a beach? This is anecdotal (but so is… Read more »
Sorry, Fannie, it wasn’t clear what I meant. Fly-fishing doesn’t connote lesbian. An interest in outdoor activities that limit the time you can be intimate with your new spouse might indicate a diminished level of sexual enthusiasm for him. That was my point.
I just read an article written by her about her homosexual former husband. Very illuminating.
Two weeks after we got home from the honeymoon, Courtney and I had sex for the last time. I was cut off cold. Bewildered that her admittedly lukewarm libido had turned off so completely, I complained and sulked. I masturbated disconsolately in the shower a few mornings a week.
Hugo, you would have had to make ‘amends’ for what precisely?
What your exwife did was not acceptable.
Is there a name to Terry’s theory ?
It is always endearing to see naivete, deception, alienation, recrimination, sexual humiliation, failed relationships and drug addiction get repackaged and resold as sentimental stories of self-discovery and personal growth.
This
*ahem*. Just going put this out there: What if, instead of trying to explain our attraction to certain “types” of people with various theories… we just said we’re attracted to who we’re attracted to? If we let go of gender, and of what we’re “supposed” to like about someone, and stopped worrying so much about sexuality labels, and just said “oh, that’s what attracts me” – would that make things simpler, and yet also more clear? What if we loosened up our distinctions and standards and *allowed* people to just like what they like? Of course, the caveat is that… Read more »
Great stuff Hugo. I wish my first wife were a lesbian. Would make the pain a little easier to take. Or maybe not… I appreciated particularly the honesty of your journey here to find love (and sex) that are satisfying and sustaining. I think as guys we tend to shy away from how desperately we want both and how many mistakes we have to make to get it right. Jerking off in the shower, or to porn, is what so many men seem to end up doing when there is something better out there if they are willing to fail… Read more »
I’m thinking there might be another reason why people are attracted to gay MOTOSes. There’s a certain relaxation in being in the company of someone who decidedly doesn’t view you as a sexual object. You can relax, let down some of the guards and refrain from some of the “preening” (for lack of a better word). That sense of comfort and safety is (to me, at least) very like the feeling of being with an SO you’ve been with long enough to feel secure in the relationship. For me, being a bisexual woman, it’s a comfort being with gay men… Read more »
“I’m thinking there might be another reason why people are attracted to gay MOTOSes. There’s a certain relaxation in being in the company of someone who decidedly doesn’t view you as a sexual object.”
“Decidedly”? There is no guarantee of that. Though such persons may not be sexually attracted, they are not always above objectifying other persons. Remember what Isaac Mizrahi did at the 2006 Golden Globes?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaac_Mizrahi#2006_Golden_Globes
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,1152258,00.html
“I’m thinking there might be another reason why people are attracted to gay MOTOSes. There’s a certain relaxation in being in the company of someone who decidedly doesn’t view you as a sexual object.” For me that’s somewhat less of a problem in being friends with straight guys (I can usually tell the type of guy who sees me as a sexual object) than it is *other* people telling you that a good friend of yours is only friends with you because he wants in your pants. It’s insulting to both of us. Additionally, there’s the girlfriend issue–once a guy… Read more »
Dude, she was dishonest with you (and maybe herself) and refused to have sex with you, her husband. Maybe you’re leaving out some detail but why on earth would it be your job to make amends? Sounds like she is the one who owes you an apology.
Good point.
I was an alcoholic who ended up cheating on her. Regardless of her part in things that was a shitty and cowardly way to end our marriage. Amends deserved.
As a woman who has endured the pain of both been “cheated on” and being treated as if my sexual needs and longings don’t matter (separate relationships) I can say emphatically that I found being cheated on a pain that was far more bearable. It is admirable, Hugo, that you can recognize your ex-wife’s right to be treated with dignity and respect even when you had not been treated in kind. If more people were like that we would live in a kinder, safer and more peaceful world indeed. But betrayal is betrayal. Do marriage vows not include the pledge… Read more »
I don’t think anyone is saying Hugo didn’t deserve an apology too. But that doesn’t mean he has to withhold his own. If he felt she deserved amends, and at least attempted to make amends, what else matters?
Because the reason this elevated into such a mess is that he wasn’t willing to stick up for himself. After a couple weeks of no sex, he should have been man enough to tell his wife, “Hey babe — either start fulfilling your side of the marriage contract, or get the hell out.” Instead he used drugs in the hopes that she’d notice how much pain he was in. That’s very passive-aggressive and destructive… Part of being a Good Man in my book is being willing to stand up for oneself. Now not that I haven’t made my fair share… Read more »
Is this satire? She lied to you by not telling you she was a lesbian and made you go down on her while masturbating yourself. And yet you still blame yourself?
“Twenty months after Courtney and I had married, I relapsed on drugs after several years of sobriety.” By your own admission you didn’t start drinking again until twenty months into the marriage and yet you still blame lack of sobriety for its failure?
You should have cheated on her, but not twenty months in– 2 weeks in.
This is just bad advice for men.
If I’m not mistaken (I don’t know firsthand), making amends to those you have wronged due to substance abuse is part of the Alcoholics Anonymous program (and other 12-step addiction recovery programs). I can’t imagine those programs would encourage you to make exceptions for the people you’ve wronged who have also wronged you. Apologies are apologies, two wrongs don’t make a right (no matter how big the disparity between the magnitude of the wrongs).
You’re right. The point of 12-step amends is to set yourself free from any guilt you’re carrying. People who treat guilt and blame like a zero-sum game tend to relapse, so that’s not recommended.
It’s also usually recommended that you make amends to yourself first. After all you (the addict) were the one who could never escape from the effects of the addiction.
Courtney can go through the process herself if she wants the benefit of making amends. It’s something you do for yourself, not for the person you’re making amends to.
“It’s something you do for yourself, not for the person you’re making amends to.”
Confirms what we already suspected. All these open, conspicuous, florid apologies are exercises in selfishness and self-dramatization.
“The point of 12-step amends is to set yourself free from any guilt you’re carrying.”
Do these 12-step programs tell every participant that they are entitled to be free from the guilt that they are carrying? Even addicts that have killed people?
“People who treat guilt and blame like a zero-sum game tend to relapse, so that’s not recommended.”
Obviously, these programs cannot promise their participants that the people they have wronged will accept their amends or react positively to the attempt at amends. Confrontations are probably inevitable. Does that risk relapse as well?
“I can’t imagine those programs would encourage you to make exceptions for the people you’ve wronged who have also wronged you. Apologies are apologies, two wrongs don’t make a right (no matter how big the disparity between the magnitude of the wrongs).”
Really? So if a drug addicted person stole from another person to buy drugs, the addicted person would have to apologize to that person no matter what? Even if that other person had, say, raped the addicted person during a drug induced stupor, as his own way of settling the score or getting payback?
Like I said, I don’t know firsthand how the program views amends, nor do I have time at the moment to look into it. I’ve seen Hugo mention the amends process before and I get the impression it’s pretty thorough. The scenario you pose is pretty extreme – more extreme, I’d say, than cheating on a wife when the marriage is already broken. I don’t know how the program would advise a recovering addict in that scenario. If Hugo had simply left Courtney in this situation because of how she was behaving towards him, I don’t think he’d have any… Read more »
“The scenario you pose is pretty extreme – more extreme, I’d say, than cheating on a wife when the marriage is already broken. I don’t know how the program would advise a recovering addict in that scenario.” Why would that situation be any different? You said: “I can’t imagine those programs would encourage you to make exceptions for the people you’ve wronged who have also wronged you. Apologies are apologies, two wrongs don’t make a right (no matter how big the disparity between the magnitude of the wrongs).” That “no matter how big the disparity between the magnitude of the… Read more »
Oh, you’re one of those “takes everything literally” people. The quote you pulled from me did not represent my own views, just what I assume those of the 12-step program/amends process to be. The idea is that everyone you wronged through your drug abuse deserves an apology, but nothing in this world is absolute (except when dealing with math) and they probably do have exceptions. You ask how your scenario would be any different – my answer is that going back to that person to apologize might put the recovering drug user at serious risk of harm, so it would… Read more »
“Oh, you’re one of those “takes everything literally” people.” No. I am not familiar with the 12-step ideology or the qualifications on its pronouncements. I just assumed that your words meant what they said. “The quote you pulled from me did not represent my own views, just what I assume those of the 12-step program/amends process to be.” Well, either the problem was with your assumption of the program’s views, or with the program itself, if your initial assumption was accurate. “my answer is that going back to that person to apologize might put the recovering drug user at serious… Read more »
“Like I said, I don’t know firsthand how the program views amends, nor do I have time at the moment to look into it. I’ve seen Hugo mention the amends process before and I get the impression it’s pretty thorough…the process of recovering from substance abuse and addiction is something one does for oneself, but that does not make it selfish.” I was not solely criticizing the “amends” process in the context of rehab. Generally, I was criticizing the trend of maudlin recollections of past wrongs told in memoir fashion with overwrought “apologies,” what you refer to as a “writerly”… Read more »
the guy’s into gender studies, he’s fucked himself up, leave him be.
It’s not cheating if you’ve been abandoned by your spouse. Suppose she packed up all her belongings and left without leaving a note, but you were still legally married — would it be “cheating” if you had sex with someone else? Refusing to have sex with your spouse for 20 months is what the courts call “constructive abandonment” — a refusal to fulfill the basic obligations of the marital contract (i.e., sex) for at least one year. I’m not trying to be cruel — but based on your story, I would have to guess that she was perhaps more relieved… Read more »
I was married to a lesbian for 20+ years, maybe 24. I didn’t know she was gay until she told me, after she said she had left the marriage. There really wasn’t any clues, yet I wasn’t shocked. That speaks volumes about my state of being at the time. I know now that I, and my ex wife, were hiding within our marriage. She in denial, and me from the pain of the emotional and sexual abuse of my childhood. Familiarity has a strong pull. I had created another relationship for myself that was less than I deserved. Now, therapy… Read more »
Hugo, you are a wonderful storyteller, and brave, I might add. I admire you for putting this experience of yours out there.
As a heterosexual woman who adores men, I was appalled with how Courtney treated you sexually. The love you two shared sounds beautiful, the stuff real friendships are made of, but no man (or woman) deserves to be treated (sexually) with such a gross disregard for their needs, rights and longings. Good for you for finding a way out of that relationship, and I’m happy to hear you have since re-married.
I’ll speak to you soon.
Jessica
This was a very interesting article for me. I am a 20 year old college student, straight, and male. And yet, I have a tendency to be attracted to (and have dated on more than one occasion) girls who later come out to me as a lesbian or bisexual (or were already out as bisexual). Granted, it doesn’t help that the vast majority of my female friends at school at lesbian. But as a straight man that seeks to transgress traditional gender norms, how do I deal with this problem? What if my ‘type’ just happens to include many lesbians?
I guess you ask, Ethan. Even then nothing is certain, except that there will be heartbreak. That’s the same for all of us. The cleverer we are, the more plausible the after-the-fact rationalizations for why. This particular one is just a bit more bullet proof than most.
It doesn’t matter either way — it hurts just as much. Focusing on one thing, e.g that you easily develop crushes on people who aren’t into people of your gender, isn’t really helpful in the long run. There are no guarantees. If there were, I’d be first in line.