J.R Reed discusses his less than fond memories of High School and how that affects his anxiety over raising a teenage daughter.
I need to go find a way to accomplish that. Somehow.
Yes. That’s me in 1984. I’m not sure where to start mocking myself. Is it the hair? The glasses? How about that shitty wanna be porn ‘stache I was trying to grow? Maybe the fact that I was 6 ft 180 pounds and a stick? Just don’t mock the pink oxford and argyle vest. If you do, we’re gonna have a situation. Just be happy that you can’t see the navy and creme colored saddle shoes I was wearing. I will happily join you in mocking them.
Tomorrow my daughter is supposed to play her violin at Disneyland. But she’s not. Let me explain….
Drama Queen’s high school orchestra was invited to play at Disneyland and when I found out about this a couple months ago, I was very excited. So was she. But not anymore. Why? Daddy pulled the plug on the Happiest Place on Earth. Why did I pull the plug? School.
Before Christmas break I sat down with my daughter (a freshman) and my mom to discuss her grades. She’s doing really well in most subjects, but is having some difficulty in English and Biology. Both classes are easy fixes and it’s really just a matter of putting in the right amount of effort, but she apparently didn’t want to go bad bad enough. Because of that, last night I told her I was pulling her from the all day trip to Disneyland.
I’m bummed that I had to do it, but I don’t have second thoughts. I know I did the right thing. She needs to learn that everything has a price. Of sorts. Anything good in life costs something and it’s not always about dollars and cents. The stuff that really matters is paid for with something far more precious than the almighty buck. It’s paid for with effort, commitment and desire.
I see a lot of my high school self in my daughter and quite frankly it scares the crap out of me. I didn’t like high school much because I felt like I never fit in. I was the preppy dude rockin the argyle like a mo-fo, but I didn’t fit in. I’m kinda pimp now, but I wasn’t like that in the 80′s. Really.
I felt socially awkward in high school and was made fun of. A lot. I know the guys who made fun of me are complete tools, but somehow that didn’t help much at the time. I had no self esteem and I was so sick of hearing the word “potential” that I do my best not to use it on my daughter.
My high school years were filled with getting blown off by people and listening to my classmates tell stories about the awesome parties they went to and the fun things they did as a group. I rarely dated because I was sure the girls would say no. I never experienced a swirly or got stuffed in a trash can, so I have that going for me. Through the magic of reconnecting with a lot of my former classmates I found out that had I only asked, a lot of the girls would have gone out with me. That’s info I needed 25 years ago. Oh well.
Don’t think I was a friendless loser, because that’s not the case. I mean, I felt like a huge loser, but I had some great friends. I don’t talk with them as often as I should, but I still consider them to be friends and I’m fairly sure they consider me one.
I want Drama Queen to enjoy her high school years and to have more fun than I did. I’m not saying I want her to be one of the ‘popular kids”, because I don’t. I’ve never pushed my daughter to be popular or the best at anything. All I ask her for is effort. That’s it. I just want her to be able to relax, enjoy these years, get good grades, and get better at tennis so she can get a scholarship and save me a few bucks.
I really took notice of Drama Queen’s stress last week and it started bringing back a ton of memories. Most of those memories sucked and I remembered the stress and worry I constantly felt in my teen years. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’ve lived more than 30 of my 46 years carrying a ton of stress and that way of life is getting passed to Her Majesty. I don’t want that for her or for me.
I’ve been making a conscious effort to try and relax more. I tend to constantly worry about stuff I have no control over and I know it’s not healthy and that I should stop, but for some reason, I don’t. At night I can’t get my brain to slow down or shut off and it kills me to think that my daughter may be doing the same thing. I need to stop this not only for my health, but to make sure my daughter has a long, happy life.
I told Drama Queen that missing a full day at Disneyland so she could stay at school is a “Life Lesson” and she understood. I asked her how many people (relative to the entire population of the world) get to perform at Disneyland even once and she said, “Not many.” My daughter took it well and didn’t argue with me. She completely understands that the reason she’s not going is all on her and that I gave her every opportunity to go. For that I’m both happy and proud.
Now I’m faced with a dilemma. I’ve spent several years trying to deal with my stress and to find a way to relax and I haven’t been successful. Now I have to figure out how to take my daughter, whom I love a lot, and help guide her towards the path of a happy, stress free, worry free life. I don’t suppose Mapquest can get me there, can it? I didn’t think so.
I guess I’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way and figure it out for myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go come up with a plan to accomplish that. Somehow.
—Photo saransimons/Flickr
Originally appeared at Sex and the Single Dad.
About J.R. Reed
Vocalyze
Thanks guys. The fact you wanted ti reprint my stuff means a lot to me and I want you to know I appreciate it.
That was awesome! Great to hear from a guy with such great 80′s hair! You essay was really honest and refreshing….not at all what I had expected…!
The lack of respect shown for your daughter is sad. I hope she never sees this article and I hope you don’t refer to her as “drama queen” or “her majesty” in real life. Hopefully you were just trying to be funny for the sake of the article.
I agree fully and have commented on that segment. When we are abused and fail to fully face it and recover from it, we perpetuate it in one form or another. As men, we have the great opportunity here to reach out to one another and hope that we are heard and that we can listen and grow.
MBC,
Now I’m really confused. How exactly was I abused and how am I abusing my daughter. Think long and hard about your answer because so far you’ve only insinuated that I’m abusing her. I’m really anxious to hear this one. Excuse me for saying this, but your credibility is shot with me. Good luck in life and once you enlighten me about my abuse, please stay out of mine.
MBC,
By your lack of response I can only assume that you can’t figure out how I was abused and that I’m not really abusing my daughter. I’m guessing you were somehow abused and if so, I’m sorry that you had to go through that. Just because you were doesn’t mean everyone was. Insinuating that I was is hurtful and insinuating that I abuse my daughter is one step short of criminal. I hope you get the healing you need and that you stop projecting your pain on to others.
Lela,
Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed the surprise.
ABC,
First off, let me commend you on the name you’re using. It shows a lot of thought. I’ve generally found that when someone rips on another person without revealing their identity, they don’t back up what they say. With this in mind, can you please tell me specifically what I said or did that shows a lack of respect? Was it that I didn’t let her go to Disneyland because school was more important? I look forward to your response. Hopefully with a real name next time, though I’m doubtful you have the courage to come clean.
Mr. Reed, you refer to your daughter as Drama Queen on more than one occasion and that is shaming her and degrading her. You may think it is cute, but it is hurtful. You appear defensive rather than receptive, and I am saddened by your reply to ABC, in attacking him rather than hearing what he is saying to you.
The old male model from which we are all striving to rid ourselves, is to attack rather than listen and receive. If ABC does not give his name, that has nothing to do with the content of his valid sharing with you. I am not giving my name. I do not have to. Your lack of courage is showing in your inability to take responsibility for putting down your daughter and calling her names.
To me, playing the violin at Disneyland was more important and I would have let her go. What I see is you abusing your power and authority over her and then wanting approval for it.
Somehow I am unsure this will reach your heart. I send it anyways so we may all learn and grow together.
MBC,
I’m sorry you thought I was aggressive towards that ABC person. I’d ask you to go back and re-read it. What I see is a comment about how people who make negative comments without saying who they are generally don’t back up that comment by showing examples. All I asked that person to do was please tell me why they think that.
I’m not perfect. Nor are you. If this person wanted to truly show me the error of my ways they would have given examples. If they (or anyone) would like to tell me specifically what they have a problem with I would look at it and evaluate whether or not I may have mis-stepped. So far the haters haven’t backed it up and I want to know why, Maybe I was wring in how I handled it, but simply making comments isn’t constructive. Now on to your comments.
Do you know my daughter? The reason I ask is because you say it’s hurtful to her. I assume you’ve had a conversation with her to know this and I’m wondering when it was. She knows of the name and sometimes when she starts to get overly dramatic I make a quick, playful reference to the drama queen and she realizes it’s time to back up. But I’m sure she told you that during your conversation. Maybe next time you should say “I think” rather than “it is.”
It’s odd that you call me irresponsible considering the fact that I’ve had full custody of my daughter for nine years and the first five I did 90% of the raising. If wanting the best for his child is being irresponsible, then yes. I am. Moving on. I’d love you to explain how playing at Disneyland is more important than her grades? She knew before Christmas break that she had work to do that the trip was in jeopardy. I offered to help her study but she didn’t need it. We talked about it again two weeks before the trip as well as the week before and the Monday the week of the trip. I’m sorry you don’t see my reasoning.
Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment. I do look at comments people leave me and if they’re negative I look at the comment and the incident and evaluate. I can’t do that if all I get is “the lack of respect is sad.” Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for using examples for your opinions. I’m being serious.
Mr Reed, I thank you for your response. I have re-read ABC’s comments per your suggestion and find that he did use examples – that of calling your daughter Drama Queen and Your majesty. Once again I appeal to you to listen to what is being said. There is no hate coming from me. I find your reply to me and to ABC is sarcastic and angry , and belittling.
I have had no conversation with your daughter and your remarks that I had a conversation are angry, hostile, blaming, belittling and defensive, as I feared they would be.
I find your approach to me and ABC off putting and unbefitting a man of your knowledge and experience. I understand how this can be from the terrible background you had and the sorrows in your heart.
I, too, suffered enormous abuse as a child and in turn became a very abusive, self-righteous man, tormented and it was much later in life that I realized I had become my abusers.
Perhaps your relationship with your daughter is excellent, I have no idea. Maybe I am coming from my own place of hurt and reacting to being called names and hated and abused by my mother. Maybe your daughter has no problem with being called drama queen. For me, it is disrespectful and a sad reminder of my own life of being judged and condemned.
My purpose here is to share and grow and to learn without hostilities. Perhaps we can continue this towards that mutual goal. I have two children and I was not always a great dad. Only later in my life and after an enormous amount of ashes work, have I been able to recover some semblance of sanity and create a truly loving relationship with my children. It was worth the journey if for no other reason than that.
Towards our mutual healing. MBC
MBC….
What terrible background would that be? I’m not trying to be an ass with that question, I’m simply not sure what part was terrible. I know you think I was making fun of you or putting you down because I’m not at all. That tone probably comes from making mistakes (as any parent does) and hearing people make comments like, “That’s why dad’s shouldn’t have their kids full time.” It’s also from the fact that for almost nine years I never received a dime of child support and now that she is giving me a little (emphasis on little) it’s on her schedule and the amount fluctuates depending on how much she spends on herself.
You know as well as I do that once a guy hits three months late the cops would put out a warrant and by six months he’d be sitting in jail. I don’t mean to sound bitter because I’m really not. 99% of the time when someone makes a comment about something they disagree with, they never identify what exactly they thought I failed at. That’s what gets frustrating. That and the fact that in many people’s mind “single dad” means “deadbeat dad” and I am far from being a deadbeat dad.
Anyway, I wasn’t trying to mock you and if it came off that way I apologize. If I’m making fun of someone, they’ll have no doubt in their mind. I’m not completely proud of that, but at least they know where they stand, right?
Just ask yourself this, What if instead of a biologist or author she becomes a very popular/successful violinist? Is the chance to do something rare, inspiring worth less than her failing in some subjects and being a lil slack?
“I told Drama Queen that missing a full day at Disneyland so she could stay at school is a “Life Lesson” and she understood. I asked her how many people (relative to the entire population of the world) get to perform at Disneyland even once and she said, “Not many.” My daughter took it well and didn’t argue with me. She completely understands that the reason she’s not going is all on her and that I gave her every opportunity to go. For that I’m both happy and proud.”
How does a “Drama Queen” take losing a very rare opportunity well?
Archy,
Thanks for the comment. She’s not going to become a professional violinist trust me. It’s not that she can’t. She doesn’t want to. Earlier in the school year she asked if she could transfer out of orchestra for the second semester and take drama. For her, the violin stopped being fun in seventh grade but I made her continue it in eighth and ninth. To answer your question, How does a “Drama Queen” take losing a very rare opportunity well? This particular Drama Queen is growing up. I’d like to think as the person that has raised her (I’ve had full custody for nine years) that I had something to do with that maturity.
Ah ok, well if she didn’t care that much for violin then I can understand. Good luck with it all.
I am a little confused.
The feel of the article is that you sort of stepped in on the last day and told her she couldn’t go. But I can’t imagine that is how it happened. I think what happened is that a few months back you had a family gathering and both you and Drama Queen and her grandmother together decided that her grades were slipping on a couple of subjects. I imagine you might have such a meeting regularly and regardless of Disneyland, but perhaps not. So the deal would be that if she did some more work she’d get to go. Presumably she realised that hadn’t happened, which is why Drama Queen (such a cute nick-name btw) was anything but when you told her what she already figured?
So that’s my guess.
My question if that lot is mostly true then is, why did you feel it was all on you? I guess you’re the single parent. Sure you’re ultimately responsible. But you’ve got it set up to spread that load so well. And I think that’s exactly why it all worked so well with no fuss. It sounds like you have a system worked out that many parents would see as an ideal.
But you still felt like you were being a hard ass?
David,
Thanks for the observation. You’re right that this wasn’t the first conversation about this. We talked about it a week before Christmas break and a week before the Disney trip. I talked with the two teachers in question and they gave me some ideas on how to get the grade up. As far as being a hard ass, in the back of my mind I kind of felt like i was being one even though I know I wasn’t. Thanks again for the comment.
@J.R. Reed: “Now I have to figure out how to take my daughter [...] towards the path of a happy, stress free, worry free life.”
There’s no such thing as a “stress free, worry free life.”
And I presume you already got it.
I think you’re doing a good parenting job: finding the balance between loving dad and setting limits is hard, especially nowadays.
Loving is not “always saying yes”, it’s being able to say the right “Yes” and the right “No”. And even accepting that someone would think you’re a jerk, when you are saying the right “No”.
Thanks for the good article.
In your picture, I’d say you look a bit like a slim John Holmes.
Thanks bro. I’m not saying I’ve been compared to John Holmes in other ways, but I’m not saying I haven’t. I appreciate the affirmation and I invite you to subscribe to the blog so you can check out more.
Try to not worry so much about your daughter not fully “enjoying” her teen years. I sort of just drifted through high school, not as a friendless loser, but definitely not as a super social butterfly, and really came into my own when I went to college. Implying to your daughter that she should be doing this or that will only make her feel more awkward and different. My father would say things to that effect on many occasions in my teens and at that age you don’t want to hear them. Her “what if” thoughts about her high school may end up just like yours, but they will be part of what helps her grow into a woman who will embrace situations she may not have previously. You can’t shield her from growing pains, it’s much better to just be there to support her when she needs it.
Thanks Em! I don’t worry so much about her popularity or anything like that. I would prefer she not be one of the ones everyone picks on and I want her to be able to have a few friends she feels comfortable with. Thanks for the advice.
I’d like to make an observation here:
1st- I see nothing wrong with what JR said in his piece. I don’t understand why some of you are trying to throw him under the bus for trying his best to raise a daughter on his own with minimal help. I find it refreshing in this day in age that a man will step up and take care of his kid when many fathers coward off.
2nd- MBC… Yes, it is obvious that you have been abused in your early life. You are throwing accusations at someone you do not know personally in order to make yourself feel better about your life and your own past mistakes or issues. In the psychological world, this is called transference. This is a red flag for someone who has dealt with abuse in their early years and if you are not currently seeking the help of a qualified therapist, please go find someone. http://Www.goodtherapy.org is an excellent site designed to help you find a qualified person in your area to help you with these issues you are having. Please consider going. And please, make it a rule- unless you know someone in real life and understand their situation, do not make any assumptions about them or their lives. Because you were abused does not mean everyone else was too. Please remember that.
3rd- my own daughter has been coined “drama queen” and “the princess” by many members of her family. She adores the name. On the back of her practice jersey for the sport she plays, she had drama queen embroidered on it. Maybe JR’s daughter thinks it is cute or just maybe she understands that her father saying that to her means she is starting to get out of line with her attitude and she needs to take a step back. If you were out in public and saw a teenage girl mouthing off at her dad and he said “that’s enough, drama queen.” wouldn’t that be better than a man threatening his girl or callig her names? It’s much better for her and her self esteem the way JR is doing it.
Finally- every man is different. Every man will raise his children as he sees fit. And unless it is extremely obvious that he his physically and mentally scarring his child, then don judge. Realize he does things differently than you do and leave it at that.