Robert W. Lore tells the reasons why he decided to defy convention and give up his last name when he got married.
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When my wife and I got married last summer I decided to take her last name. In some sense it was simply a matter of personal choice in determining a family identity—in most marriages one name is taken to signify their new family and perhaps some could argue that this is all we did in becoming the Lores. Yet, for me, a man, to take my wife’s last name was different and it seems a story worth sharing. The decision and the response from those around us taught my partner and I a lesson in the pervasive power of social convention and of gender-roles, but more importantly it offered me the chance to learn about myself, my values, and the principles I choose to live by.
Grace, my wife, was simply not taking my name—she would not ignore the historical roots, the exchange of women as property and a practice where women became simply their husbands’ wives. But I didn’t want her as property; I didn’t think she was subordinate or the lesser! My wife’s strong and unmoving opinion should not and did not come as a surprise to me, but I did want a family and I did want a shared name for that family. Having rejected hyphenating our names (I wanted a family not a law-firm), I found myself in the position that many women and as far as I can tell virtually no men face—if I wanted a shared family name I would have to change mine.
My wife continued to field the question from friends, relatives, and strangers ‘are you changing your name?’ and while no one asked me the same, I began to consider the option seriously. It quickly became clear that there was no reason not to take her name except that it is something guys just don’t do. In a time where everyone I know believes in gender equality, the convention for choosing a last name seems to maintain an unquestioned double standard.
Before this experience I would say that it was a woman’s free choice to take her husband’s name, but having faced this decision myself, I came to better understand the social, logistical and familial consideration that one faces. “The emasculation will threaten your relationship” said a family member. “It’s simply not done” said one friend; to some extent it’s true, as far as I can tell there isn’t even an English word for my former name– “So you’ll have a maiden name? So…you’re a maiden?”, the same friend said pointedly. Countless others simply asked a very puzzled “Why?”.
As far as I can tell there isn’t even an English word for my former name. As a friend asked, “So you’ll have a maiden name? So…you’re a maiden?”
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Navigating these pressures proved challenging. It is difficult, I was quickly learning, to do something other than what everyone else does. But the puzzled looks and opinions against taking Grace’s name seemed to have the opposite effect in the end; their arguments were based on beliefs that simply did not reflect my values. It was assumed that I had some power or privilege to lose in changing my name that my wife did not and that my masculinity rested in a continuing tradition of superiority over women in general and my wife in particular. But it does not. My masculinity, my own power and strength comes much more from standing up for what I believe in and demonstrating the strength of conviction. Perhaps best of all, I was reminded of a younger version of myself who was interested in challenging the way things were done and living my way in a life that pushed boundaries, made others think, and was inspired by ideals. In the end, I remembered that this is how I want to live my life. So I did it. I took my wife’s last name.
Since our wedding, the response to my choice and our family name has been almost entirely positive. I received many comments from colleagues and acquaintances, mostly women, about how ‘cool’ it was for me to take my wife’s name and how lucky she was. While this offered some feel-good validation and signalled an undercurrent of changing perspective on gendered traditions, the recognition defined me as an anomaly and a rule breaker. It still framed me as doing something ‘different’ rather than offering an alternative that others may consider. I know the decision to taking my wife’s name was a political statement of sorts and I am happy to take on the mantle of male feminist. Truth be told, however, the honour in wearing the Lore name, comes not from identifying myself as a social critic, but from upholding the duty I have to protect, provide for and love my family unconditionally.
I find it interesting that women will not change their name because that means they are property of the man but they’re absolutely fine if the man changes his name. So it’s okay that he’s her property?
I love this 🙂 I am actually thinking of going back to my maiden name. My married name has never felt like “my” name. I thought I would get use to it, but I haven’t. If a woman wants to take her husband’s name, then great. But she shouldn’t be automatically expected to.
Hi Rob,
Thank you for the piece. My fiance and I are currently in the frey of our decision to blend our names into one name. He is more adamant than I am. His famiy is VERY upset and most of my relatives are confused. I was wondering if you or Grace had any STRONG reactions from close family and how you reacted to this? Did it get any better after the fact? How do yo hold so tight to your convictions whle facing that reactiom? Thanks
How can you love someone but hate their name? Taking your wife’s surname seems more like dominance instead of equality.
“My masculinity, my own power and strength comes much more from standing up for what I believe in and demonstrating the strength of conviction. ”
Pretty simple, isn’t it?
Fantastic piece, thanks!
Why do people have to get Married. Out dated relic
Why do people still have to dis other people’s relationship choices?
SO your her property now huh ?
Bachelor name. Problem Solved.
I’ve always felt that if a name change is desired, then it would make sense for both partners to change their name to something other than either of their birth surnames. A new surname that they mutually agree on.
You see the irony about all this is that Her name also just so happens to belong to a Man… #food4thought
This is the point I was thinking the whole time I read this!
Don’t you see that it has to stop somewhere?? I always wondered when I was growing up why women changed their name if they chose to marry. It doesn’t make sense these days because inequality in any form is unacceptable
Before my wife and I married she had been married before. In that marriage her then husband had taken her surname. Her surname was her third one, having changed it to one she chose when she became 18. So, while they were married they shared a name that was neither of their families’ but had been her chosen one. When they divorced he kept his married name. When she and I married I kept my surname. My daughter has her surname. Now we are recently separated. For me I think its cool to change your name anytime you want if… Read more »
When my wife and I married, she struggled with a choice of whether to keep her name or take mine as many women do. I told her to do whatever she was comfortable with. Her last name was Farley and I wasn’t interested in changing my name to Chris Farley. Ultimately she opted to add my last name to hers, but not hyphenated so that she could use either name or both if she so chose. On our third anniversary I decided to do the same thing. I decided my objection to becoming Chris Farley was ridiculous as a reason… Read more »
The way it normally works is that she keeps her name, as you do yours and the kids get your last name, or I suppose they could be her’s, but that’s beside the point. I think compromise is the key here, not getting much sense of compromise from your wife, but hey if it works for you who am I to say?
@Mark Goblowsky: What about all the men who never “compromise”?
I can’t really speak for him, but I think that the point he’s attempting to make, is that, in general, the solution to this type of problem isn’t to switch positions, it’s to meet in the middle.
The way it normally works is that she keeps her name, as you do yours and the kids get your last name, or I suppose they could be here, but that’s beside the point. I think compromise is the key here, not getting much sense of compromise from your wife, but hey if it works for you who am I to say?
It’s funny but my daughter and I had this conversation a few years back when she got married. She loves her last name and hates her husband’s last name. She said that her husband and her husband’s family didn’t have a problem with her keeping her name but I was the fly in the ointment. Needless to say, she’s taken her husband’s name.
I don’t think it’s “funny” that you forced your daughter to do something she didn’t want to do, Tom.
Well, that’s the way it is. Sometimes ya have to do what you have to do …. Ultimate choice was hers.
Hi,
she would not ignore the historical roots, the exchange of women as property and a practice where women became simply their husbands’ wives.
If this tradition of taking the husband’s name is a sign of ownership in feminist PoV, then how does your wife feel about becoming your owner?
I think something to consider here is that there is historical oppression of women and not of straight men. Women were treated as property. They could not go to court and fight their own rights, could not purchase their own land, and further more could not operate as bread winners (historically) because of the women’s identity as the homemaker and child bearer. Not to mention that women have often been married off to men with a large sum attached to their hand in marriage. Doesn’t that scream wedded bliss? As the historically oppressed group, women have the right to want… Read more »
Exactly! I think this quote also gives something to think about: “In a time where everyone I know believes in gender equality, the convention for choosing a last name seems to maintain an unquestioned double standard.” I’ve always thought that as well. There are still people in my husbands family that specifically call him by his former name but unquestionably accept the women in their lives name change if that’s what they chose to do.
I just don’t understand the need that people from the states have to change their name, why can’t you just keep your own name?, what’s wrong with that?
EXACTLY!!! My wife has her last name, I have mine. I have my family heritage and history, she has hers. Asking either of us to lose our name is asking us to renounce that side of the marriage, saying that one is better than the other. Then again, we use both Paternal and Maternal Surnames. The entire “taking up my husband’s name” thing I think was one of those Culture gaps I just cannot get over. You don’t get married with the intention of having a divorce, but it happens some times. So, after you gave up your name and… Read more »
Ok, completely agree with you.
So which name do you choose for the children?
Or even just create a new name for your new family, if its important to you that you all have the same name.
My husband and I were married in 2010 in Indiana (where we were living at the time) and he took my last name. It was an almost immediate decision to come to, actually, because I was not going to change my name, and also wasn’t going to change my name to his, in particular. Not to knock The Husband but he has never been close with his family and doesn’t find value in their chosen lifestyle. Why would I want to take up a name that had no meaning? No history? My grandfather was a genealogist, traced us back to… Read more »
My husband changed his name to my last name in 2009 in Indiana as well. I suppose we both could’ve kept our own last name, but we knew we wanted to have children and wanted to share the same last name while they are young. We thought about changing our name to something completely different, after all both of our last names come from fathers. But after looking into it the expense and paperwork didn’t seem worth it. In Indiana the man actually doesn’t have the same rights to legally change his name when he gets married. He would have… Read more »
Robyn, I had a boyfriend with a very similar story. He was an orphan who married a woman with an impressive genealogy and no brothers to carry on her dad’s name. So he took her name and they had two sons. He kept it after their divorce because of the kids and later gave it to his youngest son from another mother. Had we married I would’ve taken it, too. Funny, complicated, but true to everyone and what they wanted and who they felt they were. If I marry my current partner, I will hyphenate – it’s not my name… Read more »
Is it really that unusual in the states for men to do that? It’s certainly not the norm here (Scandinavia), but I can think of several friends and family members who’ve do so, so it’s not unheard of. I’ve also know a few couples to decide to invent a whole new name for their new family – I actually think that’s kinda cool.
Hi Lars! We are in Canada but, yes, it’s really unusual. Neither Rob nor I have no any one else who has done it – or even considered it.
My ex Fiancee had every intention of changing his last name to mine, for very similar reasons to the OP. I refused to change my last name, and he wanted a cohesive family name. His family weren’t very supportive of the idea, and he planned on not telling his father until after the wedding.