Dating is more trouble than it’s worth. Here’s why I gave it up — and what I’m doing instead.
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When I first turned 30, I knew I was entering a decade of high expectations. Sure, I knew it was a milestone age, and I had accomplished most of what I set out to do — except find love.
I still dated while fielding the occasional questions from my peers and elders about why I had to yet to find love.
They were curious about what I desired in a romantic partner. I told them I had no particular standards and just desired someone who would make me happy and who I would make happy in return. For me, it all came down to compatibility.
I had interesting encounters in the dating field that began to make me question the whole process and its intended purpose.
Dating started off as a hopeful adventure that began to deteriorate the more I pursued it, which eventually caused me to stop.
There was no major event that led to my decision to stop dating; rather, it was a long process that only grew as the experiences began to tally up.
I eventually stopped to think, and along the way, I had an epiphany: Dating was more trouble than it was worth. Here are some reasons why:
The gamesmanship
I remember once being at a friend’s for a guys’ night when a woman I was interested in became a topic of discussion. She was friendly and displayed an outgoing personality, which I found appealing.
It was easy to discuss my interest in her, as it was guys-only party; yet, there was a catch: Other guys knew her, too, and they also expressed interest in her. They plotted their strategies on how to court her.
They fed each other intel on their encounters with her and how they could, perhaps, win her over. To them, she was an elusive catch who would require a unique strategy in order to capture her heart.
I just wanted to get to know her to see if we were a match, but my peers saw her as a competition that ultimately turned me off.
It wasn’t peer pressure that led to the turn off, but rather, the fact I felt locked into a game I knew would only lead to more problems down the road.
The superficiality
I have never been one to place a strong belief in the power of first impressions to accurately gauge what kind of person one may turn out to be.
As I’ve learned in the past, looks are deceiving, but in the field of dating, that never turns out to be the case.
Those who win the so-called “genetic lottery” are said to have their pick of the dating field. They have the right height, zero body fat and, perhaps, a nice income.
Their potential partners want to be seen with such a catch in public to the point that personality is pretty much irrelevant.
The often overused, outdated rules
I understand we, as a society, need rules in order to function. However, the so-called rules of dating have become so astutely followed, one mistake means the end of what could be a meaningful relationship.
A person could have a great date only to follow up too soon, or maybe, too late, or perhaps, an innocent slip of the tongue ruins his or her chance for a second date.
When I was in the dating field, I could never crack the enigmatic code of what it took to score the second date. Heck, just getting to the first-date phase was challenging enough.
I was told there are rules to follow, but are they that important in today’s world?
Dating doesn’t always bring that much happiness
When I was in the dating field, I saw it as adventure filled with limitless opportunities. I was enticed by the possibility of finding “the one.”
Ultimately, I saw myself as a dog trying to chase a speeding Ferrari. I had a few dates that were wonderful experiences with women who truly impressed me and still do. Yet, for multiple reasons, most of which are unknown, relationships never developed.
During this process, I had multiple online dating profiles and messaged potential matches. I kept track of my progress and looked for areas of improvement, as if I was running a business, but it never made me happy, especially when I had dates that never panned out.
By the end of the process, the Ferrari was far away with the chasing dog extremely exhausted.
Men ruined dating
Yes, I’m a guy, and yes, I’m saying men ruined dating. Why? Well, for the most part, men are devoted players with phobias for commitment and settling down. They’re devoted to the method of being pick-up artists while tallying the number of times they scored along the way.
For many, mobile apps designed for hookups have become their hunting grounds. They scout the nightclubs in search of their latest one-night conquests. They study the field, armed with their well-crafted pick-up lines, designed to enchant their selected targets.
If successful, they achieve what they set out to do only to have no interest in seeing their selected targets ever again.
As a guy who has seen such men in action and heard them tell me of their one-night stand stories, I can’t help but agree that men did, in fact, ruin dating with their hook-up philosophies.
This isn’t to say all men are bad, as some are superb gentlemen; it’s just that the bad crowd polluted the dating world.
What I’m doing instead:
As a result of my newfound resolution to discontinue dating, I decided to try something different, to live my life by learning new life skills, which became easier when I stopped focusing on dating.
I made a list of the things that always interested me and I committed to them. I take Argentine Tango classes on Tuesday nights; I learn to salsa dance on Wednesdays and Friday evenings; I study for an upcoming exam for a new career.
I pursue my writing, and I plan to start stand-up classes. In my downtime, I enjoy a craft beer while watching my latest interest on Netflix.
It’s not that I’m not interested in marriage and the prospects of having a family; I feel there’s a much bigger part of life I need to live, and I’ve only been scratching the surface.
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I no longer feel awkward about dining alone, even in a restaurant filled with couples. I don’t feel obligated to date in order to be part of society’s “mainstream.” I take walks through my city in solitude and I enjoy every second of it.
I deleted my online dating profiles and mobile apps from my phone. Going forward, I intend to continue this while keeping dating in the past.
It’s not that I’m not interested in marriage and the prospects of having a family; I feel there’s a much bigger part of life I need to live and I’ve only been scratching the surface.
I’m also aware love may, someday, find me. Perhaps, Ms. Right and I will cross paths.
I just have no intention to pursue dating, as I’m disenchanted with the whole process. I don’t feel bitter toward or resentful of couples; I’m very happy for them and I hope their relationships flourish to everlasting love.
For those who continue to seek love, I hope you find it and value it once you do.
As for me, I feel liberated and enjoy the feeling and focus it allows me to have. I’ve left dating in the past and I look forward to what is to come.
By Brandon Montgomery
Originally published at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Brandon Montgomery is a contributing writer based in Sacramento. He graduated from Ashland University in 2009 with a degree in journalism. He loves baking, cooking, writing, craft beer, and exploring California. He’s also planning a new online radio show.
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Photo: Shaun Dunmall/Flickr
Isn’t crazy even the overwhelming amount of hunting men even ruined it for you?! They have become so accustomed to hunting that even when they want to settle down, once they caught the chase there is no more interest. So crazy. So sad.
Hi Brandon, I’d like to thank you for writing this wonderful article. I’ve learned so much from this.
Going for strolls and having dinner by yourself – a fine idea! Learning new career skills – tremendously valuable. And learning to partner-dance – fabulous! Learning to dance has value on so many levels. It helps you stay in shape, it helps you connect physically with a woman, and it teaches you to LEAD. But giving up on dating and Going Your Own Way will ultimately leave you unsatisfied and wanting more from life. It’s not really the answer, and it doesn’t fit with the rest of the man who comes through in this piece. You don’t need to stop… Read more »
All this article did for me was make me want to date the SH*T out of this guy. The sexiest thing you can do is to better yourself and focus on personal growth each and every day!! Love this article, love this guy’s point of view. I wish everyone would ‘stop dating’ to become a better version of themselves. In fact, I’m inspired to do the same.
Love this 🙂 thanks for writing! There are so many facets of life out there waiting to be explored
Sorry but this is such a defeatist article. Particularly the ‘What Am I Doing Instead’ part. Why were you waiting to ‘stop dating’ so you could do these things? There’s a very high possibility this was one of the main reasons you failed so miserably at dating – it became your life goal, whereas it should have been only a small (albeit significant) part of your life. I’m sorry for being so harsh but this is a more articulate version of the rants you hear from men with low self-esteem and ugly bodies. I was almost tempted into giving you… Read more »
You say you have “no intention of pursuing dating”, but I notice that those skills you say you intend to acquire tend to be the ones which are likeliest to bring you into contact with women, unlike, say, those which can be acquired and practiced alone. Wood carving, fly fishing, etc., etc.
This is what Men Going Their Own Way, or MGTOW is about. And it’s not just for men. Women can choose to GTOW if dating isn’t working out for them. You always have other options.
Brandon, I admire you for taking yourself out of what has become, to my mind, a pointless, time-wasting game. I met my last ex online. I thought we had a good thing going. I couldn’t know that in the back of his mind, he was thinking about all of his other options. As soon as the relationship lost it’s newness, he was out and back online looking for someone else within a couple of weeks. People are not commodities, and yet we are treated as such. And moreover, there’s nothing you can do to prevent this. I don’t know if… Read more »
1. No body forced those women in the club to become another one night stand, so Men and women ruined dating and relationship with the hook up mentality – this isn’t just men doing it, but everybody. 2. I just think that technology and online dating have a big part as well. It is so easy to find matches with minimum effort just click away and find your “perfect” person; unfortunately there is never a perfect person and people spend thousands of dollars and valuable time just to be part of the chase. 3. People do not want to put… Read more »
I agree, the online ‘dating’ thing is a complete waste of time. I’ve only gone so far as to going to one group meetup with a dating site and ended up sitting alone at a table for 2 hours while the men huddled together in the room. That was the deciding factor for me that just going out to purposely meet strangers to date is a horrible idea. I’ve always found that meeting someone through people you already know or at work,etc. is the best way to do it. The pressure to DATE is awful, so why put yourself through… Read more »
So in short, this guy just GAVE UP. Nice way to tell the whole world about it. NOBODY cares if you gave up. What’s the point of this stupid article?
Intelligent and prudent people (men and woman) understand the difference between quitting/giving up and stopping an activity. Knowing when to stop an unhealthy activity is a sign of prudence.
He did not give up in my view. He chose to stop participating in an activity that clearly was not working for him.
He should be applauded for his decision.
This is a silly premise. It’s not original or novel. NOBODY likes dating. Especially introverted, rubinesque women who have to go out in the world, when all they want is a man to curl up with and watch Banshee, or Homeland with. It’s a means to an end. A necessary, pain-in-the-ass process.
Brandon, you’ve pretty much summed up the way I feel – my experience, the conclusions I’ve reached and the path I’ve chosen to walk instead. Except I am a woman. I may add that by deciding to cultivate my skills and focus on improving as a person, instead of wasting energy and time in the unfulfilling, time-consuming activity of dating, I’ve found countless opportunities to benefit others and actively contribute to the well-being of those I cross paths with. I have time to volunteer, develop projects, create ripples that have had effects on many and will be multiplied by them.… Read more »
Brandon, you’ve pretty much summed up the way I feel – my experience, the conclusions I’ve reached and the path I’ve chosen to walk instead. Except I am a woman. I may add that by deciding to cultivate my skills and focus on improving as a person, instead of wasting energy and time in the unfulfilling, time-consuming activity of dating, I’ve found countless opportunities to benefit others and actively contribute to the well-being of those I cross paths with. I have time to volunteer, develop projects, create ripples that have had effects on many and will be multiplied by them.… Read more »
men didn’t singlehandedly ruin dating. Its mainly the fault of the women who allow men to treat them as one-night stands, who let guys get away with not having to earn their way into a physical relationship. We have conditioned men to know that if they cast the line out far enough, someone will bite. It’s depressing.
@Lucy — I find it amusing that you start out your comment by saying that men didn’t single-handedly ruin dating….and then figured out a way to blame men for it anyway. Here’s a thought: not all men are rouges and players and not all women are innocent, blameless victims that are naively duped into bad relationships. If you truly believe that ‘men didn’t single-handedly ruin relationships’ then perhaps you should start by suggesting women take responsibility for their own actions and choices in partners instead of just regurgitating some stupid stereotype of mindless men that just think only with their… Read more »
Thank you! I wanted to say this but when a woman says it it is taken more seriously. I never pursue or expect sex on the first date and apparently in this new dating world that means never getting a second one. The women out there seem to deliberately select against the men who are looking for something more than just sex. They play games and throw out tests that only a man solely interested in “scoring” would pass. I’m quite disillusioned with the whole thing.