Sami Holden provides input on how to go after the independent woman.
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I’m a man in my early 30’s who is looking to be in a relationship. So many women seem like they’re completely fine with being independent and happy without a man in their life. How do I gauge their interest in dating without coming across as pushy, rude, or creepy?
Sincerely,
Needs Help with the Approach
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Dear Needs Help with the Approach,
So you want one of those independent ladies? I cannot speak for all ladies. I can only speak for this lady. I would consider myself independent in an “all the ladies who truly feel me…throw your hands up at me” early 2000’s Destiny’s Child sort of way. Even independent ladies need a back-up crew. Beyoncé had Kelly and Michelle. Have I lost you? I’m not qualified or licensed for this, but I would be really good at any kind of pop culture trivia game. For now, I’m an independent advice giver.
Let’s sort out a few potential misconceptions to start with. What does an independent woman look like to you? Here is what I consider independent… the person has done work on themselves. They know who they are. They know what they are looking for. This is not saying they are without flaws or quirks because we all have those. They are comfortable with who they are and where they are at in their life. That doesn’t mean that they never depend on other people. In life we are not lone wolves. We all benefit from having others in our lives.
For me, I don’t need to be around a significant other all of the time. I’m an introvert. I enjoy being alone at times to recharge my batteries. That doesn’t mean I dislike being in a relationship. If I lived with someone, my friends have joked that I would need my own room so I could get away. I don’t need someone else to entertain me all of my time. As a kid I didn’t need constant attention. At recess I would wander off to braid grass into baskets. Yes, that’s probably a little weird, but my independent nature started early. Extroverted independent ladies probably have a different time-away need such as time with friends. Independent women are happy knowing they can do their thing while the other person is off doing their thing as well. We want to be a part of someone’s world, not everything in it.
The independent woman likely has goals and dreams that they work extremely hard on. Are you OK if your independent lady is a high achiever? I’ve gotten a lot of “you are extremely intimidating” which has lead me to question in the past whether I could fully be me. I don’t sit and list off my resume, but if I feel like I can never talk about my day-to-day projects, that would be a problem. My number one biggest relationship fear is that someone will want to change me. Independent in my world means that I travel a lot for various projects and currently for graduate school. Do you know how many dating problems have occurred for me directly following a business trip? If I can’t be gone five days, that’s a problem.
What does the independent lady need? She will appreciate being in a space where she can be unapologetically herself. Independent women are not without wants for a relationship and those will vary by the person. I still like cooking. I like cuddling in front of the TV. I’m not business and serious 24/7. The independent woman will be in a relationship with you because they want to be with you and not because they fear being alone. It’s not that they “don’t’ need a man”, but most likely are looking for a partnership out of a relationship. That sounds a lot better, doesn’t it?
Now that we’ve cleared up how being an independent woman doesn’t necessarily means someone who wants to be single… just ask them out. I hate the word creepy applied to men because it feels similar to when women are called crazy. Again, it’s not that independent women don’t want a relationship – they just don’t need one to feel complete. You’d gauge their interest in the same way you would in any other situation. Send her a message on an online website asking about something you find interesting in her profile. Approach her on a night out.. We’re not rare unicorns. If she seems into you, there’s no special protocol to follow. All I ask is you don’t try to change her. Let her be her and she’ll appreciate that more than you know.
Here’s for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
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This post has been republished to Medium.
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We have condition to impress and/or please someone. That’s is the problem; however, bad/evil people don’t seem to have a problem not to impress or please anyone except when they tried to please the boss in order to get that covet assignment or get a promotion.
You don’t need to “impress” anyone, ever. That mentality is part of the problem.
My two cents, as a man. Reading Sami’s response chimes with exactly where I’m at. I’m cultivating a relationship with myself, having recently exited a relationship of many years. I am off the market until I’ve arrived at a place where I’m satisfied with my internal and external lives. I can’t expect someone else to be responsible for my happiness nor will carry that responsibility for someone else. But down the line, companionship with a like minded, harmonious independent woman definitely appeals 🙂
My advice would be “don’t do it.” Chances are good that a women who insists on “independence” has a good reason for avoiding relationships. The chances that you’ll be happy in that relationship are very slim. Hell, the chances that she’ll be happy are very slim.
Women who are completely happy alone are not women you want to be dating, they’re asexual. No one is truly happy alone if they are a sexual being desiring a partner, especially desiring kids and family.
Asexual is not the same as wanting to be alone. Companionship and wanting companionship has nothing to do with sex drive. Again, a healthy relationship is made up of two whole people and not two halves of a whole. Knowing who you are separate from your significant other, and not depending on the other person to define that are what makes an independent man or woman.