Jordan Gray says that there is one thing that is all too often overlooked when it comes to improving relationships from the inside out.
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There’s one thing that, whether you focus on it or ignore it, can either be the number one elevator or limiter of your relationship.
With it: you trust people fully, you allow for deep and natural connections to take place, and you feel yourself as deserving of (but not entitled to) a fulfilling intimate relationship with yourself and others.
Without it: you find trusting people difficult, you keep people at an emotional arm’s distance, or you may find yourself engaging in self-destructive behaviours or sabotaging your relationships.
I’m talking about your self-esteem.
Your self-esteem is your self-perceived sense of competence at life and your self-perceived deservedness to feel love and be loved. A bit too wordy? It means what you think of yourself. And if you don’t think much of yourself, you won’t allow yourself to feel a deeply fulfilling love in the context of nearly any relationship. You only allow yourself to receive love to the extent that you believe that you deserve it.
By intentionally raising your self-esteem (regardless of the level it is at currently) you can increase your daily feelings of emotional fulfillment, improve the quality (or existence) of your intimate relationship, and you can have a stronger sense of knowing that you will be a happy, loving, and responsible adult regardless of other peoples influence on your life.
Here are four ways you can consciously raise your self-esteem, and dramatically improve the quality of your relationship in the process.
1. Tell the truth more often
Nathaniel Branden once said that “self-esteem is the reputation that you acquire with yourself,” and it’s difficult to have a good reputation with yourself if you don’t trust yourself.
Make it a point to tell the truth as often as you can (when it doesn’t considerably hurt others) and you will start to feel more congruent in your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
2. Live in integrity with your highest ideals and desires
If you know that you want to be doing one thing with your life and yet you find yourself not pursuing it in the slightest, then your self-esteem will suffer.
Or as my homie Abraham Maslow once said, “A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is ultimately to be at peace with himself.”
3. Say no to things that you don’t want in your life
While saying yes is important to the things that you do want in your life, saying no to things that don’t serve you is just as important.
Whether it’s a draining friend/colleague/acquaintance that you need to cut out of your life, or a hobby, job, or habit that you need to kick to the curb, saying no to things that make you miserable will also bump up your self-esteem. Setting boundaries in your life will give your subconscious mind the message of “I care enough about myself to remove things from my life that I know don’t make me happy. And I deserve to be happy.”
4. Accept full responsibility for everything in your life
One of the greatest concepts in Nathaniel Branden’s book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is the idea that “no one is coming.”
The idea being that no one is coming to swoop into your life and fix all of your problems for you. You are ultimately responsible for your happiness and the circumstances in your life.
While the situation you were born into is 0% your fault, it is 100% your responsibility to do the best with what you have been given (whatever that may be).
While this idea may induce anxiety for you upon first hearing it, if you sit with it there comes an underlying freedom in the idea. You, and only you, are responsible for making your life what you want it to be. The power is all yours.
Self-Esteem Is A Process
Just like most things in life (nutrition, fitness, hygiene, etc.) there’s no way to just get it all out of the way in one go and have it be set forever. Self-esteem building and maintenance are ongoing processes.
But with a little bit of intentionality, you could be waking up happier to be in your body in no time.
Self-esteem, self-love, and self-care are three sexy things that will never go out of style.
If you want to read more on the subject, I would recommend either checking out The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, or How To Raise Your Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Or if you have some particular questions about your situation, you can always reach out and chat with me directly.
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You can read more of Jordan’s best writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos.com
So, I’m a little confused. On one hand, we’re supposed to say no to things that we don’t want in our lives and we shouldn’t do things that we don’t want to. On the other hand, we are supposed to compromise in our relationships and, even if it’s not our thing, support our partner and take an interest in things they like and want to do. Trust me when I say that having one partner do one and the other partner do the other does not net the healthy, loving results that a relationship needs to thrive and grow.. So… Read more »
Hey Jim, You can be a loving and supportive partner by taking an interest in what your significant other does with their time without engaging in it yourself. So the answer is both. Do what you want with your time, and also support your partner with their hobbies. If their hobbies really rub you the wrong way and/or clash with your core values then maybe the relationship isn’t right for you. And you’re right… a relationship will always take two willing participants to invest in each other simultaneously. I don’t see improving your relationship to yourself as antithetical to improving… Read more »
Thanks for the feedback Jordan. After years of seeing the gray areas (compromise) in relationships, I now tend to look at them in terms of black and white.