Sonika Tinker wants you to take a look in the mirror and ask a very simple question.
How are you just like that?
This is one of the questions we ask couples in our relationship workshops.
Judgments are GREAT windows into our selves. Whatever I am thinking and judging about you is telling me something about ME. I stand to receive great insight into the shadows of myself by exploring simply how I am just like what I see in you.
Try it. Take out a piece of paper and write down all the judgments that flow through your mind about your partner. Here are some examples: He is selfish. He doesn’t listen. He never helps. He is lazy. He is insensitive. He is not in touch with his feelings. He never shares himself.
Let it rip. Don’t censor. If you are like most people, there is an entire flood of judgments that arise when you think about someone with whom you have a troubled relationship.
After you have made a list, set aside some reflection time. Explore one judgment at a time. Once you have decided on one to explore, say it out loud: He is selfish. Then ask yourself, How am I just like that? Allow all of the ways that you are selfish to arise. Say the same judgment aloud in reverse: I am selfish. How am I selfish? Keep asking and allow the answers to reveal themselves to you.
You might at first notice your mind wanting to jump in and say that you are not like HIM at ALL. But rest assured, you are just as selfish as he is. Your selfishness may look differently than his does. For example, you may be more generous with helping the kids with homework than he is. But as you look deeper, you may see your own selfishness showing up in your anger at him because HE is not helping YOU with the homework job. YOU want him to do what YOU want instead of what HE wants – selfishness. There it is, masked in the shadows, but there all the same.
You can also broaden your exploration out even farther if need be. For example, you might see selfishness in your unwillingness to allow a homeless person to move into your house or to donate all of your savings to a starving family abroad. You can always find the quality you abhor in another in yourself if you look honestly and squarely at yourself enough.
Here is another tack to take when exploring the mirror of judgments. Sometimes we judge in another some quality we lack. For example, if exploring the judgment of selfishness, you may be the kind of person who has a hard time taking care of yourself and saying no. Perhaps you always put other people first and end up feeling resentful and drained because of this habit.
Sometimes our negative judgment of another is disguised envy that they allow themselves to be in ways we don’t allow ourselves.
So another great question to ask when exploring judgments, is How might I benefit from being more like what I am judging? In the example of selfishness, you might ask, How would I benefit if I were more selfish? Allow answers to arise: I would ask for help. I would do what I feel like doing instead of always putting the kid’s needs first. I would take a walk after dinner.
Do this practice with every judgment you have. Keep going until you can see where you exhibit the same quality in yourself that you judge or where you could benefit from having more of that quality. This practice will elicit compassion, connection and understanding where none exists prior.
A great phrase to repeat whenever you are overcome with judgment: I know you. You are just like me…
Ready to take some action to improve your relationship? Join Sonika and her partner Christian in a free 70 minute webinar called the Relationship Challenge. Learn more.
– – –
Sonika Tinker, MSW, and Christian Pedersen, CLC, loving husband-wife team, are Relationship Experts, coaches, mediators, trainers and authors with over 35 years combined experience coaching and leading courses helping hundreds of singles and couples to dramatically improve relationships. They are the creators of the RISC Online Relationship Course sponsored by the ManKind Project USA.
– – –
image: DollarPhoto.com