Matt Crowder knows that while patience is key in dating, waiting for “Ms. Right” can quickly turn to complacency.
Lately, I’ve felt a bit like Austin Powers. Like I lost my mojo. Whether it was because of work or everyday life getting the best of me, the result is still the same. Something’s wearing me down. I’ve looked hard to figure it out, and this weekend it occurred to me: I’m lonely. I have friends and the people I work with, but I have this feeling like I’m missing that one piece of the puzzle that will finish things. Companionship.
Last weekend my daughter Amarah had the opportunity to go to New York City with her Mom and Stepdad. I thought this was a great idea for her, she loved it there last time and the weather is getting better. I also saw it as an opportunity to get out and experience some of the local nightlife on a weekend for a change. What ended up happening was me sitting on the couch with my dogs and playing video games on the computer with my brothers. Somewhere along the line I lost my motivation to go out. My mojo is gone.
As I went about the regular tasks of dishes, laundry, and cleaning, the feeling of what was missing became acute. I didn’t have anyone to share those seemingly menial everyday tasks anymore. There wasn’t a wife or girlfriend there to talk to and joke with while we went about marking things off of our to-do list. In the almost two years since my ex-wife and I separated, and the nine months since my last true relationship, I’ve simply missed having someone there with me.
These thoughts led me down the rabbit hole of memories of what it was like pushing a grocery cart around the store or cooking dinner with someone. My absolute favorite part of being in a relationship is relaxing on the couch and talking about our day while we watch something on tv.
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I woke up this morning determined to make a change. I need to be proactive in finding that special woman. But how am I supposed to do that? I’m not into the bar scene (even though I met my ex-wife at one.) I don’t have an abundance of friends that could set me up with someone because all of them are married and move around in the same circle. I can’t ask my exes if they know anyone because, well, that would just be awkward. And I don’t want to be the creepy guy asking a pretty girl at a store for her number. Then it hit me, Online Dating.
It used to be that dating online was seen as a sign of desperation. Over time though this has become more commonplace and more accepted. One of the sites has the catchline that “1 in 5 marriages starts online”. When you think about it that’s a pretty staggering number.
Online dating to me is something akin to reading the dust cover of a book before you buy it. There are pictures and description of the other person which I like, it takes some of the guess work out of the situation. You have at your disposal enough information to at tell you whether or not you want to move along or dig deeper and strike up a conversation. This is a bonus for me because given my painfully shy nature, the first contact with a woman can be awkward and sometimes terrifying. It’s great to get that first contact out of the way while I am sitting in the comfort of my own home instead of when I stand up to pull her chair out at the restaurant.
There are pitfalls to it that I’m trying to keep in mind. Given past experience, the person in the picture may not actually be the person you are talking to. Or it is that person, it’s a picture of them from 10 years and 50 pounds ago. Before the wave of outrage at my being superficial begins to swell, let me just say that while physical attraction is important to me, the matter of someone being honest is much more important. If a person can’t be honest about how they look today, what else are they going to hide?
The same goes for guys who put up pictures of themselves when they had a full head of hair and a six pack knowing full well they are getting a little thin on top and that their six pack is looking more along the lines of a party ball.
So here I am, a nice, decent looking guy who likes to cuddle but doesn’t have anyone to share that with. Given all the options in front of me it looks like it’s time to hit the interwebs yet again and give it another shot. There is something to be said about being patient, but patience can be seen as being complacent. I’m not getting any younger as my ever growing number of grey hairs keep telling me. I’m ready to stop sitting around and start seeing who’s out there. Maybe she’s out there just waiting for my wink on the site, or maybe it will show me that I need look elsewhere or wait even longer. Either way, love isn’t going to come looking for me, I’m gonna have to find it.
Photo of love button courtesy of Shutterstock.
You write terrific articles. Somehow I stumbled upon this site. You sound like an awesome person. You will find the right person one day soon I’m sure! It’s hard being alone but sometimes that’s the best way to figure out yourself & what you want in life. Without the noise of others expectations.peace;)
I’m just loving the “Good Men Project” all together. I think a platform of men, regardless of sexual orientation just blogging about being better men is amazing! A lot of men I meet are very focused on just one thing, especially with me being a transgender woman. I am on dating sites as well, and starting to realize the “investment” as one guy put it, into finding someone. Online dating does make it easier to weed through people, but it still requires an investment of time once you find someone worth chatting it up with, and not bringing things from… Read more »
Hi Angelica, and welcome here! 🙂
I’m glad you enjoy this community.
Regarding past experiences, I think you cannot separate them from what you are; your past is – somehow – the “roots” of your being. It doesn’t necessarily define who you are, but it influences it.
Having said that, I think it’s totally ok not talking about one’s past at the beginning or earlier meetings – if one is so inclined.
Matt, you know my story (cause you’re my big brother!) and how long I waited for God to bring the right person into my life. Online dating worked for my fiance and I but it was total shock that we met each other. To this day Brian still says “I just can’t believe you were still single when I met you!” Be patient. Be yourself (even though you’re a dork!). And most importantly, be genuine. That’s what won me over most about Brian- the fact that he’s himself no matter what situation he is in. I am pretty sure that’s… Read more »
It’s good to know that I am not the only person that is kind of terrified of the dating scene, not just online.
It seems like people are expected to be something that they’re not to “impress” the opposite sex… I’m 31, recently divorced (after 11 years) with a toddler…. it’s not looking too good for me because I’m also painfully shy and I am more of a “what you see is what you get” kind of gal.
Too bad you’re in NY and not WI, Matt. I’d take you out for a beer!
I also read an article that said something like women polled on one dating site thought 80% of the men on there were ugly. That kind of turned me off from it. Sounds like really high expectations.
Jimmy,
You are misinterpreting that poll. Women didn’t think 80% of men were ‘ugly’, just ‘below average’ in looks.
The results of the poll actually were: Men tend to rate most women(the ‘average’ woman) as average in looks, while the tendency of women is to rate most men(the ‘average’ man) as below average in looks. A ‘reverse Lake Woebegone effect’, as it were.
Yea I always thought “less attractive than average” was synonymous with “ugly”
Regardless I just saw it as a trend of women to expect more than the “average” man and I don’t think it’s just limited to attractiveness.
Reading this came at a good time as I feel like I too have lost my mojo. Then again not even so much as lost my mojo, I don’t know that I ever had it, as I’ve lost my will to put energy into anything productive. In the past month or so I have broken up with my GF, been given 2 weeks to find a place to live after the breakup, had back surgery after finding out I had a massively herniated disc and moving every object I own by myself, and then getting a sinus infection 2 weeks… Read more »
Hang in there. I’ve been through times where it seems like the only luck I am finding is the luck I don’t want. The thing that helped me was to find one thing every day that could make me smile or laugh. By finding that each day I figured that it wasn’t all bad. Pretty soon I had dug out of the rut I was in and things got better. They obviously aren’t perfect and I do still lose my mojo from time to time, but it’s not like it was after my wife left and we started our divorce,… Read more »
Steady on, Matt.
Wait for the one that gets you.
And don’t dismiss the possibilities of the real world. The girl next to you at the supermarket, the one at soccer practice watching her daughter while you watch yours. There’s magic all around us if we can find a way to see it.
It’s Friday night,
I’m hearin’ you Matt!
Matthew, good luck with your search. Online dating is just one more way to know and meet people – and even better than many. Just, be smart and follow some suggestions: dating sites offer good advice, or read some articles about good strategies – there are some even here on the GMP: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/online-dating-and-the-real-you/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/top-three-mistakes-men-make-in-online-dating/ https://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/10-tips-for-using-online-dating-sites-to-find-long-term-love/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/five-rules-for-happier-hunting-in-the-world-of-online-dating/ Online dating CAN work, but you have to show your best (true) self, and catch the ladies’ attention. It’s kind of marketing – if you will – but it’s necessary; after all, love is too precious to leave it to chance, isn’t it? 🙂… Read more »
I think the coolest thing about this article is that Matt distinguishes WHY it is such a big deal if a person lies on a dating site about his/her appearance — it isn’t so much about the fact that she may not be at her tiniest, but rather that she is willing to lie or to “trick”…
So many people would say, “Yeah, but you should love me for me!” But it’s like, listen, you are a trickster, or maybe even a flat-out liar.
Nice piece, Matt.
@JS: “you are a trickster, or maybe even a flat-out liar.”
Yes.
Besides, if you lie about yourself, it means you don’t like the way you are, thus of course you don’t love yourself. So WHY should I?
Usually, the ones screaming “You MUST love me the way I am!”, are exactly the ones not loving themselves AT ALL.
(should I mention those are the worst-partner-ever? 😉 )
I have no experience in online dating, but I can’t help seeing the advertising connection. When your profile is an advertisement for yourself, of course you’ll want to put your best photo out there, even if it’s not how you look now on an everyday basis. It’s dishonest – but, advertising typically is. Just think of the way McDonald’s burgers look in their TV spots – juicy, thick, perfectly round bun, perfectly placed square of cheese, lettuce so fresh it still has water droplets on it, bacon that glistens under super-bright lighting – and what you get from the drive-thru… Read more »
You are absolutely right on the advertising connection. That is why I tried to emphasize the honesty aspect. Noone likes a bait and switch. You’re Big Mac analogy is spot on. The food we see on TV is definately not the food we get at the restaraunt. On my profile I have a variety of pictures, because I honestly have a variety of looks. During the week I am clean-shaven (that’s the military’s fault), but on the weekends and when I am on vacation I like to grow out my facial hair (regardless of whether I’m technically supposed to or… Read more »
That may be why I’ve never tried online dating–I refuse to pretend I’m something I’m not. And one of the things I am (only one, mind you) is big and ugly.
Thank you for writing this. It is so refreshing to read that there are men out there that appreciate the beauty of sharing the day to day events. How fabulous is it when you can plop down on the sofa with someone that you love, your best friend and just laugh about something together. It is that same daily companionship that has me back online to meet someone as well despite my not wanting to do so. The way that I am choosing to look at it is this: if I really want to have a loving relationship in my… Read more »
Good luck, buddy. My online dating experience was harrowing.
Day 1: send out 50 emails that just say “hi”
Day 2: see a couple emails from women I didn’t even message
Day 3: set up dates with those women because no one responded to my emails
Day 4: meet girl that is 50 lbs heavier than her picture and missing a front tooth
Day 5: that same girl shows up outside my apartment at midnight screaming my name
Day 6: delete my profile
Thanks Jimmy. I have had similar issues when I have tried before. Fortunately I know a few of the warning signs now and with your steps I have even more to think about.
No doubt, man. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for.
@Jimmy: “Day 1: send out 50 emails that just say “hi” ”
Jimmy, that’s totally NOT working. It’s way too anonymous.
Messages need to be personal and enticing (every dating site suggest this). Of course you got no responses.
Yea I know.
It just seemed so trite and artificial to comment on our “shared interests”.
It seemed too forward and creepy to ask her any questions about herself.
And it seemed too desperate and arrogant to try to somehow “advertise” myself to her.
So I figured “hi” was the best way to start a conversation. It never worked.
Jimmy, like with everything of value, you need to “invest”. Even if it may seem hard at the beginning, I think it’s worth the investment. If I meet 10 girls and just one turns out to be a good match… well, finding her was worth the effort of dating the other nine. 🙂 – Commenting on your shared interests is one of the best points: it shows you two have potential to connect and have fun together (and it shows you took the time to browse her profile). – Asking (polite) questions about herself (related to her profile), shows interest… Read more »
THIS always. I completely agree! I did the online dating thing for years with varying degrees of success. From first dates that were complete disasters to now when I am engaged to an amazing Christian man who had just as many bad experiences as I did. What set him apart was the way we both asked each other questions and had a healthy give and take in our conversation. It’s not about being the most attractive person in the world- it’s about being honest about who you are and what you believe in. When my fiance first saw me in… Read more »
I really like the idea of intentionally dressing down and presenting yourself as is on initial dates. I always wonder why people go to so much fuss to look and behave “perfectly,” when it’s all just an act that doesn’t help you get to know each other.