Can you fix a relationship that has endured betrayal? Danielle Jacobs offers some advice.
_____
As a mental health counselor in private practice, I often get confronted with the emotional aftermath of infidelity.The devastation is obvious when a betrayed partner walks into my office. Finding out your intimate partner has cheated feels like the floor has been swept from under your feet. Nothing seems the same anymore. Normal daily tasks become a heavy burden and the person is on survival mood. Finding out that the person you love has lied to you, kept secrets from you and shared intimacy with others hurts deeply. Trust is now non-existent and this all can lead to a depressed mood.
Finding out about infidelity in your intimate relationship can impact your sense of basic safety and can even cause post traumatic stress symptoms. Nervousness, a knot in the stomach, eating disturbances, sleepless nights filled with nightmares and waking up in panic, recurrent dreams or flashbacks of images seen or imagined, or avoiding situations or places can all get in the way of daily functioning. Being cheated on can make you feel like you landed in a living nightmare. If there are children involved the situation gets even more complex. Decisions to be made will influence not only the lives of the parents, but also the lives of the children. Therefore, making decisions to stay or divorce in a highly emotional state of mind is never a good decision.
Often the hurt party felt or intuitively ‘knew’ that something was just not right, that there was a part of their partner that they just could not comprehend. Sometimes there was a lack of intimacy, a lack of empathy or a lost connection in the midst of a busy daily lives filled with feeding hungry kids, driving to soccer clubs and ballet lessons and meeting work obligations. Often there were arguments that lead to nowhere with accusations and verbal attacks that only lead to more distance between the two people who once where so in love.
My clients ask themselves where it went wrong. What if they had been more attractive, thinner, younger, a better cook, more active and so on… Doubting yourself when the veil is lifted off your eyes and you are now aware that there has been infidelity that contaminated your relationship is a normal, but not a healthy reaction. Even though we are rarely the best we can be in a relationship, this never gives the other the excuse to cheat.
Often the betrayed party wants to know everything there is to know about the deceit. Again, this is a normal reaction in order to try to regain control over the situation. But is this helpful? Does it hurt any less to know that he slept with someone else twice or 50 times? Does it really matter if he chased 10 women or 50? The fact of the matter is that he was not keeping his promise to be exclusive. He was not thinking about the needs and feelings of his life partner when he was doing all these things. For a married man this means he did not keep his vows. Just thinking about the wedding, wearing a wedding ring or looking at wedding photos can cause distress for the betrayed spouse.
I believe and I have seen that healing a relationship is possible after infidelity if the relationship was ‘pretty good’ before the infidelity was discovered. For repair to have a chance to be successful there are three crucial elements.
1. The infidelity needs to stop immediately and the third party needs to be notified that there will no longer be any contact with the cheating partner (no emails, phone calls, meetings… absolutely cutting all ties).
2. Before relationship repair can take place, both partners need to first work on themselves. For the betrayed partner that means healing from the emotional wounds caused by the infidelity by taking good care of yourself, stop blaming yourself, and talking with a trusted friend or therapist, releasing anger and when the time comes… forgiving. Forgiving may seem impossible at first but it is crucial for moving on (with or without the other partner). Forgiving is necessary for yourself not for the other. Forgiving means accepting what happened (not forgetting!) and knowing you don’t like it, but you let go of all anger and resentment in order to move on. Without forgiveness one may stay angry and become bitter (or worse…get sick). For the cheater it means soul searching; examining his reasons for cheating, what is most important for him in life, his beliefs about marriage, honesty and faithfulness and feeling remorse for the pain that is caused by his behavior.
3. After steps one and two, there is room to work on the relationship again. Trying to fix a relationship between two ‘broken people’ is not easy, if not impossible. Only when the unfaithful spouse feels in his heart and admits that he was wrong, shows empathy for his partners suffering and both commit to healing the relationship there is a chance for being happy together once again. It doesn’t mean that a couple who is dealing with infidelity can’t live together while the healing process is happening. For some it may help to see the process the other partner is going trough. For others a (temporary) separation may be necessary.
If you still love each other, there is hope. Remember that time heals wounds. A therapist can help in the healing process and monitor the progression. A couples counselor can help with improving the communications and healthy expression of emotions between the couple. Trust can be restored if both are willing to work on themselves and the relationship. Couples that have survived infidelity have told me that their relationship is different now, sometimes closer and even better than before. It is a long road but it is not impossible.
For information on coping with infidelity, improving communication skills and improving your relationship check out workbook To Stay Or Not To Stay? It is designed to guide husbands and wives step-by-step in the decision to stay married or file for divorce. In each chapter, the reader is encouraged to examine the quality of their marriage and acquire a wide variety of new coping skills through various exercises provided. The reader will feel empowered throughout the book to be honest and introspective to gain clarity of mind. Readers will be able to identify with personal real life stories of people who walked in their shoes.
In some cases, repairing the relationship is not possible, then divorce is a last resort. If children are involved I recommend children’s book Nina Has Two Houses, to help young children and their parents, who are going through a divorce, adjust to the new situation. It can open up the topic and give parents the necessary tools to discuss important issues children of divorce are dealing with. Like the book on Facebook and find helpful tips for parents.
Danielle Jacobs, LMHC is in private practice in South Florida. She is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, A Parenting Coordinator for the courts, and a certified Hypnotherapist. To learn more about current workshops and groups, visit www.PositiveChangeForYou.com
_______
This article originally appeared on Divorced Moms.
As somebody whose spouse cheated seven years ago, I have to say that I’m glad i stuck with the marriage. I feel we got a shock and reevaluated our choices and chose each other again and we’ve been better partners since. It took a lot of work on my spouse’s part to win back my trust, though: total transparency about whereabouts, total access to phone/email etc, and a lot of therapy. And zero communication with the (single) affair partner. It took about two years for the nightmares etc. to stop. I think my spouse got a terrible shock and felt… Read more »
I think the trick here is to never agree to something that you don’t wholeheartedly WANT to agree to. If your partner expects you to be monogamous then that doesn’t mean that you have to be. Cheating is only cheating if you’ve agreed to the rules in the first place.
Add that, never expect from a partner what you yourself are incapable of.
I’m gonna explain what “sexism” means: it means double standards; it means you believe only one sex does this or that; it means generalizations sometimes.
Nowhere in this article the person says only men cheat. It could have used a more universal language, though.
There can be sexism in societal expectations of men……This article was one example of that issue.
The article is from a site called ‘Divorced Moms’.
And because it’s from divorced moms……..it can’t be truthful? Accepting that women are not nicer, kinder, more faithful than men are is a step on the path to equality. If we allow the cultural expectation of men=bad / women=good to stand unchallenged as a society we will never see true equality be realized. We are all human, the good, the bad and the vast grey area of morality, is part of all of us…… there are no saints and no devils….just people…. who happen to screw-up often and who also can go to phenomenal lengths to heal and love each… Read more »
All I’m saying trey is that although this article starts out pretending to be ‘Gender Neutral’ , by the time you get to paragraph 4 and 5, it’s pretty obviously , as you said “men=bad/woman=good”. In my lifetime, of all the divorced couples I’ve known (too many!) where ‘cheating’ was involved, the split is pretty close to ’50-50′ as to who was the ‘straying’ one (in some cases it was both). Having been faithful to my wife for over 40 years, I’m sure I’d be somewhat devastated if I was to find she wasn’t. That’s something that I feel eludes… Read more »
If you look at divorce proceedings and breakups by girlfriends/boyfriends, it is usually done by women and it doesn’t matter whether it was the man who was responsible for causing the divorce or the breakup. Comedian Jeff Foxworthy talk about how many women would look for a better man and then when they become firmly established with the new guy, then they would divorce their current husbands or leave their present boyfriends.
I agree, the “him” “he” and “his” is very sexist.
Why is this only taking about an unfaithful man? Guys get cheated on all the time, too. Let’s not be sexist, please. Not here.
Sadly even here I’ve had thoughtless comments that straight men cheat more…… My question…….With Whom? It’s pretty close to a 1 to 1 relationship……for every straight man that cheats there is the matching woman……simple math. Accept that women are morally no better than men are……..just a bit less honest in this arena………same as men saying they’re not hurt by comments on their looks, weight, height.
Yeah, it looks like women are almost there, cheating just as much… or they are more honest about it, as it seems men still take more “pride” in their cheating than women in general (not that much more, though).
There are horrible people of all genders and social niches that enjoy hurting others and are proud of their work……all in all very evenly distributed across the human race.
Evenly distributed? That would be pretty amazing considering the fact that absolutely nothing else in nature or human history is “evenly distributed” to such pragmatic proportions.
Thats a bold and uneducated claim.
Just the usual “Erin” type comment. Showing her devotion to the “Man=bad / Woman=good” paradigm
I am the author of this article and I would like to explain that this article was in no way meant to be sexist. As a therapist, I am well aware that ‘cheating’ is not gender-specific and I know that the deep hurt associated with being betrayed by a loved one is no different for a man than for a women. The article was originally written for a female audience for a website called http://www.divorcedmoms.com and republished on this website without my prior knowledge. I do thank the people who commented here. Now that I know that other websites can… Read more »