Men are creatures who love so infidelity can be the most devastating betrayal.
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It’s a big part of what makes us who we are..
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We are all looking for love.
It’s a big part of what makes us who we are. Being creatures who love, we are also beings who can be betrayed and can betray those we love. Infidelity is, perhaps, the most devastating form of betrayal.
It sounds so benign when I write about it: “My partner was unfaithful.” But those few words cover a whole world of pain and suffering. Most everyone I know has had to deal with infidelity in their lives:
I saw my best friend’s husband with another woman. Should I tell her what I saw and what I suspect? We’ve known the couple for years. They are, perhaps, our closest friends. Now we find out he had an affair and is planning to leave his wife. I feel devastated myself. How could he do that to her? What does it mean for our relationship?
I don’t know if I can ever forgive her.
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I just found out my wife had an affair many years ago. I feel such rage I want to kill someone. She says it is in the past and she never meant to hurt me, that she loves me and it’s all over. I don’t know if I can ever forgive her. Why did she do this to us?
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeMy father had numerous affairs when I was a child. I’ve had a few during my 24 year marriage. Is infidelity hereditary? Will it happen to my kids?
A year later I found text messages on his phone and confronted him.
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I never saw it coming. I knew something was wrong, but he denied it over and over again. A year later I found text messages on his phone and confronted him. He admitted he had an affair. He says it’s over. He wants me, he wants our family. But how can I ever trust him again?
My spouse is out of town a lot on business trips. Things haven’t been great in our marriage and I worry about an affair. I know they all socialize after work. Where is the line between “we’re just friends” and something more?
We feel our own attractions and wonder “what I?” “Could I?” “Is it worth the risk?”
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We rarely talk openly about infidelity. We all worry about a lover or spouse being unfaithful. We feel our own attractions and wonder “what I?” “Could I?” “Is it worth the risk?” But things we can’t talk about often come out in destructive ways. One of the people who has talked about it and written about is Helen Fisher, one of the world’s leading experts on the nature of romantic love.
Fisher has written a number of highly informative and popular books including Why We Love and Why Him, Why Her. Based on her wide-ranging research, here are some important facts about infidelity:
Infidelity is widespread.
Current studies of American couples indicate that 20 to 40% of heterosexual married men and 20 to 25% of heterosexual married women will also have an extramarital affair during their lifetime.
Our brain wiring contributes to infidelity.
Human beings have three primary brain systems related to love.
- The sex drive evolved to motivate individuals to seek copulation with a range of partners;
- Romantic love evolved to motivate individuals to focus their mating energy on specific partners, thereby conserving courtship time and metabolic energy;
- Partner attachment evolved to motivate mating individuals to remain together at least long enough to rear a single child through infancy together.
These three basic neural systems interact with one another and other brain systems in myriad flexible patterns to provide the range of motivations, emotions and behaviors necessary to orchestrate our complex human reproductive strategy. This brain architecture makes it biologically possible to express deep feelings of attachment for one partner, while one feels intense romantic love for another individual and while one feels the sex drive for even more extra-dyadic partners. Understanding how the brain works can help us answer the questions “how could you?”
Infidelity happens in all cultures all over the world.
It was also common among the classical Greeks and Romans, pre-industrial Europeans, historical Japanese, Chinese and Hindus and among the traditional Inuit of the arctic, Kuikuru of the jungles of Brazil, Kofyar of Nigeria, Turu of Tanzania and many other tribal societies.
When we’re on the receiving end of an affair, we wonder “why me?” A better questions may be “why not me?”
There are different kinds of infidelity.
Researchers have broadened the definition of infidelity to include sexual infidelity (sexual exchange with no romantic involvement), romantic infidelity (romantic exchanges with no sexual involvement) and sexual and romantic involvement.
I remember attending a conference a number of years ago and got very close to a woman I met. We had a lot in common, both personally and professionally. We spent a lot of time together over the course of the four day conference and shared deeply. I felt some sexual attraction, but restrained myself. When I came home and told my wife about her, she was furious. She acted like I had had an affair. I insisted that “nothing had happened.” Of course, I meant nothing “overtly sexual.” She was picking up on the romantic involvement.
There’s nothing simple about infidelity.
The more we learn about infidelity, the more there complex it is. At first it seems simple. He/she is disloyal (or we’re afraid he/she might be) and it should never happen. But as Fisher reminds us, “infidelity is a worldwide phenomenon that occurs with remarkable regularity, despite near universal disapproval of this behavior.”
Often infidelity is a final betrayal, but other betrayals may precede it.
When I counsel couples I often find that both members of the couple were feeling betrayed long before the affair occurred. He felt lonely and cut off from their partner, feeling their needs were not being met, and attempts to connect had been ignored or rebuffed.
Mate poaching is an increasing trend.
In a recent survey of single American men and women, 60% of men and 53% of women admitted to “mate poaching,” trying to woo an individual away from a committed relationship to begin a relationship with them instead. Mate poaching is also common in 30 other cultures.
Infidelity doesn’t necessarily signal an unhappy relationship.
Regardless of the correlation between relationship dissatisfaction and adultery, among individuals engaging in infidelity in one study, 56% of men and 34% of women rated their marriage as “happy” or “very happy,” suggesting that genetics may also play a role in philandering.
There may be a genetic component to infidelity.
Infidelity may, indeed, run in families. Certainly family upbringing can contribute, but so can genetics. In a study by Hasse Walum found there was a genetic component in pair-bonding. Those who had a specific gene complex were less likely to form stable bonds with a partner.
Infidelity can be prevented and an affair doesn’t need to signal the end of a marriage.
The more we know about infidelity, the more we can prevent it from happening. We can also better learn how to recover from an affair if it should occur. It’s good to remember that although infidelity is not uncommon, most spouses are true to their commitments. Talking about it and sharing our experiences can help everyone have more loving and joyful relationships.
I look forward to hearing your experiences. If you’d like help dealing with these issues, feel free to contact me at www.MenAlive.com
Photo Credit: Getty Images
As a private investigator, I’ve seen my fair share of infidelity cases. I have to say, every time I do, it’s just as heartbreaking as the first. In my profession I have to remain professional, but if I’m being honest, it’s very hard for me to deliver the news once I find the proof. I know how badly it’s going to hurt the person, but I try to always think that I am helping them to start on a new path that they have to start on eventually, and the sooner the better in cases like these.
I have recently exlerianced this. For me it wasn’t the sexual connection my wife experienced that bothered me. In the end it was the lie and the rejection of me, as her partner of 15 years. If she had cine and talked tk me, and said I’m feeling this need, what can we do about it, I would at least have had a choice. We could have opened our relationship, or tried swinging, or even just an affair, but instead I lost everything all at once right when I need her support most. It was not sex with another man,… Read more »
An affair doesn’t have to end a marriage, but typically (from what I have personally seen), the marriage often fails after the fact because the problems in the marriage that caused the affair to happen are never resolved. Think about how disconnected you’d have to be from your spouse or partner to cheat on them. Really, just think about that. For most married people I have known — and this includes my own ex-husband — the disconnect had been going on for a long time, even a number of years. I suspect that the adult children of philanderers are operating… Read more »
Hi Jed I am European, Scandinavian. I grew up with a mother that often said “there is not forgiveness for infidelity”. A weird thing to say for a woman that called herself a Christian! But my father walked in on his first wife with another man ,so I guess she said so to signal she will never betray him like that. Still it looks to me that you in US react to sexual infidelty differently from Europens in general. It is like you are more religous about the whole thing? For me it has never been a dealbreaker. I hurts… Read more »
These types of articles always make me think, “why bother being in a relationship?” Apparently no one can be trusted.
I feel like, if your partner isn’t meeting your needs, you should move on. I would much rather be dumped than be cheated on. I know I’m not perfect and there are many more women who are more beautiful, sexy and fun than I am so… if that’s how you feel…. then have at it. Just don’t expect me to stay in your life.
I totally agree with Sarah.