She thought she was simply meeting a friend for drinks. His confession of cheating with prostitutes led to this revelation.
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“What does Resistance feel like? First, unhappiness. We feel like hell. A low-grade misery pervades everything.
We’re bored, we’re restless. We can’t get no satisfaction. There’s guilt but we can’t put our finger on the source …
Unalleviated, Resistance mounts to a pitch that becomes unendurable. At this point vice kicks in. Dope, adultery, web surfing.” ~ Steven Pressfield
Location: Sky Bar– Bangkok, Thailand
A couple of years ago, a friend and I met for drinks to catch up. We hadn’t seen each other for a few years. A few minutes into the conversation he said, “I just had my second child.”
As I said congratulations, I was also wondering why he’s out so late with me and not at home with his newborn?
My curiosity led me into a lengthy discussion about his family life. My first question was, “how’s your relationship with your wife?”
He looked down, paused for a few seconds, and said it’s not that great, “she misses me and tells me that I am never there.”
I asked, “why are you never there?” He responded, “because, I no longer want to have sex with her and haven’t since she got pregnant.”
I asked if he had a mistress?
He said No.
I asked if he was practicing celibacy?
He said no.
He took a deep breath and said, “I go to prostitutes, and sometimes on a weekly basis.” He couldn’t believe he just told me this and asked me not to tell anyone.
I didn’t judge him. I simply listened and kept asking questions because he’s my friend, and I care about him.
As we continued chatting over a delicious glass of Rosé, he admitted he’s NEVER been faithful in any relationship.
I asked if he ever took the time to question his behavior, he replied, “I haven’t given it much thought.”
♦◊♦
I’ve met many married men over the years that are in the same predicament, and while most situations are unique, they all have commonalities.
In my friends case, it was obvious that he was using sex as a tool to fill an empty part of his life. I asked if he was hiding from himself? He didn’t understand what I meant.
I said, it sounds like you are continuously distracting yourself with a cheap and easy fix instead of working on yourself to create a strong foundation.
I told him, “I think you are using sex as a tool to fill an empty part of your life because you’re possibly in a situation where you are craving love, companionship, validation, or all of the above.”
Most men I’ve met don’t cheat because they want to; they cheat because they are bored, they are looking for something, and they don’t usually know what that something is.
Often, they are disconnected from themselves, and their behavior becomes a never-ending habit. They go through life living a double existence and constantly hiding in secrets.
There is an exception to every rule, and there is no right or wrong answer to this because I’ve also met men who no longer have the passion they once did with their wives.
Yet, they still choose to stay and do nothing instead of changing their circumstances and being honest about what they do want. The only person you are protecting when you lie is yourself, your made-up self.
I was hoping I was making a difference when I asked, “Is any of this making sense?” After a big sigh, he said maybe, but what do you mean, I am hiding from myself?
Feeling I was on a brink of a possible breakthrough, I said, “well, you are searching outside of yourself and giving someone else the responsibility to give you love, attention, pleasure, confidence or whatever it is you are seeking.
By constantly going to prostitutes, you are giving up your power, freedom, and connection with yourself.”
♦◊♦
He asked what he could do to understand himself?
I explained, it’s when you stop searching outside of yourself and stop giving someone else the responsibility of giving you whatever it is you are looking for.
It takes commitment, presence, and vulnerability to open up. When you can fully integrate and accept all aspects of yourself, you will then experience love, connection, intimacy, and satisfaction.
But, you have to be honest with yourself and question your behavior patterns and understand why you are doing what you are doing. Again, there are no right or wrong answers.
The best investment you can make is to get to know yourself by opening to new discoveries without fear or lies.
This will take some time, and you have taken a giant step once you realize your worth and what you have been doing is robbing yourself instead of giving to yourself.
Don’t become anxious, don’t be impatient, realize where you have been and most importantly where you are and where you want to go. Take the road of truth one day at a time.
This article originally appeared on Confident Lover.
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Photo: Flickr/ danbruell
Christina,
I have a question for you…. Which do YOU view as more intimate?: holding hands OR sexual intercourse?
LOL, I simply agreed with what somewhat had posted and it never made it past m’ation
Excellent, thank you.
Strong, I believe as humans we crave closeness and intimacy. The question is what does Intimacy look like for you? Every time I ask this question, most people don’t really have a clear answer. There are many definitions of the word depending on who you ask, kind of like being rich or happy, what’s your definition of intimacy?
Exactly. And if you were to ask me that 10 years ago, I’d probably stammer just as much as any other. Truly understanding how you prioritize your love languages helps. Understanding what really makes “connection” for you helps even further – I found mine again through astrology and understanding my core self. For those like me, you’ll resonate, as someone who’s first is clearly touch, and an air sign (mental thinkers) combining these two finally touches into a part that many of us keep closed off – even to our intimate partners: our spirituality. When we share THAT together, for… Read more »
It surprises me that I cannot find anyone who gets the true simplicity of the matter – although this piece hints at it. Men NEED intimacy. True, loyal, sustained intimacy. When we do not get this in our primary partnership, we seek it out elsewhere. Period. This is really the beginning and the end of the conversation, yet we seem to enjoy every other conversation but this most important one. Men need intimacy just as much as we need water, air or food. We can go for a few minutes without air, a few days without water, and a few… Read more »
For me anyway, sex is a huge part of that intimacy. It’s a pretty constant desire. When someone’s not open to that part of me, however else they try to connect, it falls pretty flat. Which is not to say that I’m demanding and can’t hear, “not tonight, honey,” without losing it. Any particular, “no” is fine, for almost any reason. But a pattern of “no’s” is hard to deal with. It’s the pattern, whether it’s frequent rejection, lack of interest, lack imagination, just plain lack of effort in bed, that is a killer. It is a pretty clear message… Read more »
Bingo. Except one thing: we (men) have a hard time for calling it what it really is: making love.
Isn’t “making love” the only thing we (men) are allowed to call it? Can’t be just fucking, just for sport or fun or variety. Can’t be just physical, just the raw attraction and lust. It has to be “making love” for it to be ok.
I wish I’d found someone honest enough about sex to see it for what it is. Which is not love.
It can be anything you want it to be, Titles are not important, what’s more important is that YOU are getting what you are looking for at then end of the day.
It might be a geography thing, but in most of the uber-metro cities I’ve lived in, it’s everything but. Just like love (I love my parents, my friends, even my ex, most certainly my kids, etc) – it comes in different flavors, but the most intense and satisfying comes from making love with a woman you are in fact in love with – because you’re opening up your heart, mind, and soul to this person. Of course there is sex, BJ’s, bangin’, and all of it’s lesser forms (my own personal opinion), but like carbo’s without protein – that satiation… Read more »
Love this!
Strong: “The overwhelming majority of women I have met are horrible at giving intimacy.”
Strong, if the overwhelming majority of women are “horrible at giving intimacy”, can you give women some advice on good ways to build intimacy?
Also, as a man that clearly has a superior understanding of what intimacy should be and is, can you also explain what you do to encourage and build intimacy yourself?
Thanks in advanced for taking the time to answer my questions.
😉
I agree with who ever said that there is no excuse for anyone stepping out behind his wife’s back.
Nothing justifies going behind ur partner’s back. If they don’t give u intimacy there are ways of fixing it. If u choose to go sleep with another, that’s YOUR CHOICE. There are men who r loyal u know. Now u may say its because they have better wives. This might be hard to accept but shockingly YOU control your life. You have a choice always and you and only you are responsible for your actions.
I couldn’t agree with you more.
Your comments are “spot on”. Each adult partner is responsible for the choices that they make. You can’t force someone to get married and you don’t just end up having sexual affairs–these are choices.
Strong
You say women are horrible at giving intimacy.
I guess the women you talk about are your former girlfriends and all your ex wifes?
Do you mean they gave intimacay in the beginning but after a short time in a relationship with you when they got to know you they turned away from you, and no longer wanted intimacy with you. All they wanted was to have sex with you.
typo: ?
I forgot the question mark ?
@Strong, “The overwhelming majority of women I have met are horrible at giving intimacy. This is just an American cultural norm. No judgments. Men keep repeating this by the millions, but it falls on deaf ears. Women seem to be free with closeness, affection, and sex in the beginning, but this shuts down over time for some women.” Well, I think you are wrong when you say the overwhelming majority of women are horrible at giving intimacy…..All people love connection and intimacy Strong, unless one is a sociopath.. I think the issue you are speaking of has to to do… Read more »
Men may need intimacy, but it takes a self-aware, emotionally healthy man to acknowledge that need and accept intimacy when it’s offered to him. I’m not saying this is you by any means. I don’t know you or your history. But I will say that I’ve been with more than one man who was completely unwilling/unable to accept intimacy, and this refusal left me feeling drained, unloved, disrespected, and completely hopeless. And in each of these situations, the guys complained that I wasn’t trying hard enough. A gal can’t carry a relationship by herself.
Becca,
Is a mismatch always someone’s (i.e. someone else’s) fault, or is it simply a non-corresponding set of needs and desires?
In almost any relationship I’ve been in, my girlfriend’s focus has mostly (like, 95%) been on matters outside of our relationship, ex. her job and co-workers, her parents, siblings and their families, other friends, any perceived flaw in the state of our home, etc.which has left very little room for me (us) to develop our intimacy. And as you say, it leaves one drained, unloved, disrespected, and hopeless…
What about attraction?
I’ve never been in a relationship were I’ve felt that my partner was actually attracted to me, or even appreciated me all that much, and that our relationship was actually a priority.
Even if we are content in ourselves and don’t seek desire or validation from our partner, if there is no love, no attraction or even connection between the partners, what’s the point of being in the relationship in the first place?
Exactly, if there is no attraction why be with that person?
“The best investment you can make is to get to know yourself by opening to new discoveries without fear or lies.”
Christina, I want to thank you for such a wonderful piece.
I am coming to the realization that what you wrote above is so true. No matter how much we seek love, desire, validation, etc from others, we must learn to not place this responsibility in the hands of others. More often than not, we are going to experience profound disappointment.
Great piece.
Jules, thank you for your kind words. We will always experience disappointment if the other person doesn’t meet all of our expectations…
“It’s when you stop searching outside yourself and stop giving someone else the responsibility of giving you whatever you are looking for…”
Wow– that is deep….! Great essay!
Thank you Leia 🙂 I had that revelation when I went to India and experienced a very deep meditation. Everything became so clear after that.